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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepmum is getting upset about dds hair

284 replies

mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 20:53

We are a blended family. I have 2 DDs and 1 son. My husband has twin DDs and 2 sons. One of my DDs is the same age as the twins. We have a shared custody agreement with his kids where he has them for one month, their mum has them for the next. I get on well with their mum in general, she's a nice lady. However, yesterday the twins and my DD had a party to go to with a friend of theirs from school (all children attend same school) and I took all three girls because she was busy. Whilst getting my DD ready for the party, I did her hair in space buns with glitter in. Her twins saw what I was doing and asked for the same thing, I did it on them and had a nice time doing it with different colours of glitter and everything. Today I received this message: Hi mamasita11, I'd be very grateful if you didn't do the DDs hair again as I don't like the hairstyle and think it's too old for them. Please let DH do their hair from now on as they're our children and I'd rather their parent did their hair than you.

Is it just me who thinks that's really off or should I just nod my head and agree?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 10/05/2017 22:14

Well there is nothing to suggest that the ex is regularly interfering though Katie. Her daughters live with the OP for a month at a time and OP herself has said things are friendly. So why on the one occasion where the mother seems upset would you advocate the OP arguing back and causing a row? How would that be in the interests of the children?

TheRealPooTroll · 10/05/2017 22:14

I also suspect that if mum had already got the dd's ready for the party - outfit/hair etc then changing it may have looked like criticism of how she did it so making it clear that they asked would probably be a good idea.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:16

Cricket you misunderstand me. It is the Mum's month with the twins, yet she has asked her ex's partner to have them for the evening to get ready for and take to a party, which she can't do. It isn't anything to do with being happy with the arrangement, as she must be happy enough with it to give up one of "her" evenings to ex's partner when it is not ex's month.

KatieB25 · 10/05/2017 22:16

I also didn't say argue. It took two people to make the children why is it solely up to the mother who can style their hair?

stitchglitched · 10/05/2017 22:16

She probably wouldn't be territorial about hair if she wasn't spending every other month away from her young children who were being parented by another woman. She probably finds it bloody hard and had a bit of a wobble, felt the need to reassert her role a bit. She's only human.

Lottie991 · 10/05/2017 22:17

Needsahalo there's friction there already created by the mum from the text message. I know you can't see that as you are always on threads stating your case against step mums but that is the reality here.
I also don't believe she wouldn't have agreed to that sort of contact especially as she can get so worked up over hairstyle that someone non blood related has done..

pictish · 10/05/2017 22:17

I've given this some thought - it's one of those scenarios that make you think about something from many angles.
I think the twins' mum is out of order to write that message. She has obviously been really annoyed by the hairdo, whether it's simply not a style she would have her daughters in or because the glitter was hard to get out...or something that runs deeper than that...but it's not on to put up barriers and obstacles to good relations and care for her dds while they are at dad's.

Besides that, she should have approached your dp if she wanted him to obey her rule. After all, he's the person being instructed in practical terms as all hair care is now supposed to fall to him.

Personally speaking, I think your dp should reply to her instead of you. He should say that you are both sorry she was annoyed by the party hair but he won't uphold the rule because he can provide parental care as he sees fit.

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:18

Really - the younger care staff at my dd's nursery used to do the little ones hair if they asked for it- one of then actually taught me some great styles for taming dd's massive mane! It would never occur to me that no one else is to touch her hair.

CookieLady · 10/05/2017 22:21

Agree with pictish. Your husband needs to deal with this.

quencher · 10/05/2017 22:25

@TrinityTaylor I would be cross at anyone who pulls their daughter's hair like the one in the pic. That is not healthy and the edges will be damaged. It's not necessary at that age at all. I can feel the pain already. Think about the hair follicles. The comments is for the pic if that's your child.

Please stop using the words like taming and managing. Your daughter is not wild nor is her hair. You just have to find the right product.

Op, I would go with what @NorthernLurker said. It's very balanced.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/05/2017 22:25

FGS the Mum cannot dictate who brushes her kids hair when they live with their Dad for a month.

As for this...I would however ask the mother of the twins if she could have a chat with them and explain in child-friendly terms that it is daddy who does their hair from now on

NO. They live in the OP's house for a month at a time. You don't let 5 year olds tell you who can and who can't brush their hair because Mummy says so. The adults in the house where they live, make day to day decisions for them while they live there. End of.

SweetLuck · 10/05/2017 22:25

Month on month off?

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:28

Quencher its not my dd, my dd is 9 and her hair is red, I would never get it that tight because im not good enough, plus it would hurt her! She does ballet and it does have to be slicked for that, nice and neat as that's uniform. I say tame the same way I'd say tangle tamer which is a hair tool! And she is rather wild actually, in the greatest way.

nightswimming1 · 10/05/2017 22:29

Just totally ignore the email. Rise above it. Job done.

Original poster
mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 22:29

I sent poo trolls message. I suppose the glitter may have been hard to rid of for someone not used to it. And as for the month on/month off arrangement, this happened before I was on the scene and as far as I know, both parties insisted on having more than one week at a time with their children. Month on/month off was the only way court managed to resolve it. My own children see their dad every other weekend so it's new to me too. They are happy with the arrangement as both parents get to spend time with their children and both get a break. I'm a bit miffed but I don't want to wind her up.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/05/2017 22:31

She probably feels like you're lining them up with your dd's hairdo making them all 'sisters' and resents it. I'm not saying that's what is happening btw - I can tell by your posts that it's not so.
She is bu though. Even if she is feeling a little threatened by the cosy family set up with you in it, she still has no business introducing random rules that affect the running of her ex's household. This is her issue and even if I do feel for her a bit, she shouldn't be permitted to make it everyone else's.

slithytove · 10/05/2017 22:32

Nursery do my dd's hair, apparently all the little ones are sat in a production line getting their hair done. I appreciate it because it normalises hair brushing and bobbles, something dd struggles with at home. I think it's part of the 'self care' teaching along with hand washing and teeth brushing etc.

Most of the time her hair is put into 'space buns' because she has a funny parting and it's the easiest to do to keep it all off her face. She looks her age, 2. It's not a mature look at all.

pictish · 10/05/2017 22:33

I agree - good reply pootroll (there's a sentence I never thought I'd write).

TrinityTaylor · 10/05/2017 22:33

@Quencher just to add it is a stock pic from pinterest that best represented the kind of hair OP was talking about in relation to how I do my own dd's. She is Dominican & Scottish and therefore has quite a different texture of hair than I am used to doing although I too have very curly hair. Anyway massive thread hijack sorry OP! Ps: carry on with the buns if you can't wear em when you're five when can youWink

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 22:33

there's friction there already created by the mum from the text message. I know you can't see that

I can see that perfectly well. There are ways of not letting it get worse. The ramping it up to deathcon4 which so many are suggesting isn't going to help. As a one-off, it is what it is. It can be nipped in the bud if the OP makes that choice.

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 22:35

Wow. It's been to court and she still manages to be reasonable most of the time? Be grateful OP!

headinthecloud · 10/05/2017 22:36

My daughter would be horrified if her dad had to do her hair!
Seriously though rise above it.

Original poster
mamasita11 · 10/05/2017 22:37

There has never been a problem before. It may sound surprising but we have a really good relationship. She can be a bit uptight sometimes but is normally down for a laugh. Maybe she just had a bad day?

OP posts:
TheRealPooTroll · 10/05/2017 22:39

Hope that is the end of it mamsita. It seemed like she was trying to get a bit of a rise out of you so I think it's good that you didn't reply with anything arsey.
Just think of it as saving you a job. And if the twins start trying to get dad to do fancy hairstyles she will probably find that you doing their hair wasn't so bad.

pictish · 10/05/2017 22:40

Sod's law they'll insist that dad does glitter buns. You'll have to teach him.*

*sexist comment but yanno

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