To be surprised by this level of overprotectiveness!

[IrishTwin]

My colleague at work just told me she doesn't allow her 9 1/2 year old son out alone in their back garden!! I actually didn't know what to say! Her son hasn't got any additional needs or problems,is Nt ( Neuro-typical) and goes to a mainstream school Im actually pretty shocked at this! Am I wrong to this this is is beyond overprotection!

Ive just packed my 9 year old off to the park to find someone to play with!

NavyandWhite She has a tracker on her adult DD's phone without her DD's knowledge?! Surely there must be laws against that kind of thing

I can remember, aged 11, in the 1970s feeling really frustrated with a friend who couldn't come to the town on a Saturday without her father having to drive her. But then my DPs always made me go everywhere alone and even tho we had a car wouldn't come and get me. I walked to dance class after school on my own, aged 6.

BUT I was recently talking about it to my DM and remembered the feeling of absolute terror aged about 9, waiting for a bus in the dark over the other side of the city on a completely deserted road. It couldn't have been that late, probably only 7pm.

I walked to school on my own from 5 as well, but there just wasn't the traffic there is now.

For my 10 yo DD to walk to school on her own she would have to cross the dual carriageway via 2 pelican crossings, a number of side roads and a main road that is supposed to be 20mph but no-one sticks to it and drivers often don't stop. Her teacher doesn't let them out of class unless she can see a parent, although the Y4 teacher just lets them go . They are only allowed to be unaccompanied in Y6.

Her siblings had a complicated school journey so DC1 was driven to school until 6th form; DC2 walked to secondary with friends; DC3 (SEN) I took to secondary for first term then after that I drove him to my work and he walked from there; DC4 walked to secondary with DC3.

Actually none of them went out on their own until they were well into their teens (purely logistics of getting around) but they are all adults and totally independent, so I don't think it did them any harm.

She must have some serious m/h issues. It's very sad.

That is a very unfair assumption to make. Just because she parents her DC differently from you, does not mean she has 'serious MH issues'.

My ex's stepMIL was insanely overprotective of his younger half-sister. Held her hand crossing the road till well into her teens and she also carried her sanitary towels for her aged 16 and had to ask her mother for one when she needed one.
I'd been living independently since age 18 and was beyond horrified.

No SN, I just like to keep an eye on him.

Other than babies, toddlers and children with SN, I think it's slightly abusive (and controlling) to never allow another human being any time to themselves.
It can't be nice to be watched 24/7.
Surely it's a basic human right to have some time to yourself? Without being watched constantly.

I am very over protective. I don't care what other parents think of me for it. I do let them do some things but a lot of stuff I will not or it's supervised.
I was one of those kids on the street from age 4, in a large group of neighbour kids with little adult supervision and little to no real boundaries. When I was a teenager I just had full independence wherever I wanted to go. Great I thought at the time
I can look back on the highlights and still fathoming out what any of them have benefitted me:

Stealing things from skips
Playing chicken with cars
Getting into abandoned buildings
Underage drinking, smoking and sex
Being sexually assaulted
Being flashed at
Having my bike stolen
Being beaten up by other kids
Irritating neighbours by being noisy mini hooligans

Maybe this made me 'streetwise' and my mental scars will be terrible for my DC. I let my DD15 go out with her friends for 2 hours yesterday middle of the day. An hour after I collected her someone was stabbed in the place where she had been with her friends. We live in an area and time when it is more dangerous to be a teenager than any other demographics (I look at the local crime stats).

It's not going to kill him to have his Mum in the garden with him and it's not the worst parenting in the world.^

Exactly. People in here are so judgey

MissDallas, not so much judgey and bemused.

Out of interest, what do you think will happen to your 12 year old son if he goes out in the garden without you? You haven't given a reason.

My mum was extremely over protective, so I learned to lie. I got myself in far more dangerous situations as I felt I had to keep my whole life secret as she couldn't cope with the idea of me doing normal teenage things so I went much further and when I got into trouble I didn't confide in my parents because there was no trust between us; I had got so accustomed to lying and concealing everything. Her panic and anxiety whenever I left the house created huge barriers of resentment and deception between us and it took years and years to resolve. Looking back, I didn't know how to stay safe because she saw so much danger in the everyday that I didn't see the difference between normal activities and far riskier ones - everything was dicing with death in her eyes. As an adult I have compassion for her anxiety and the mental health problems it has caused her, but as a stifled and self-centred teenager, it was absolutely disastrous.

'parenting fails' like giving your kids chicken nuggets... to me that is far, far worse than being a bit overprotective.

Yes, feeding your child is often considered to be a parenting fail

Good post, PookieDo. I was thinking about this earlier. I had loads of freedom as a child, like most kids where I grew up. And me and every single one of my friends was sexually abused outside of the house. Every. Single. One.

TipTop333, don't be a dick, you know what I meant.

You still haven't answered the question.
Why will you not let your 12 year old son play in the garden on his own?
What do you think will happen to him in the garden?
To Dallas.

I think it is unreasonable of you to judge. There may be very deeply emotionally traumatic reasons she is so over protective.
My aunt for example, was only ever able to have one child. She had a still born almost full term baby (who would have been just a few weeks younger than my Dsis) and then one further miscarriage. As such, she was incredibly over protective of my cousin, her only child. He wasn't allowed chewing gum or nuts in case he choked, even as a teenager. And he was banned from ever heading the football in case he caused damage to his brain.
Your colleague clearly has a fear, however rational or irrational it may be, about her childs safety alone in her garden, so doesn't allow it.
A bit more empathy and a bit less judgey wouldn't go amiss, and gossiping about it on MN is out of order, it's none of your business and there was no reason at all to share this so other people could judge her too!

And me and every single one of my friends was sexually abused outside of the house.

A high percentage of sexual abuse takes place inside the family home. Statistically, children are probably safer outside the house than inside

I think it is unreasonable of you to judge. There may be very deeply emotionally traumatic reasons she is so over protective.

Whatever the reasoning, It's still not fair for the parent to project their own insecurities onto their children.
Being over-protective stifles childhood.
It's possible to have empathy towards the overprotective parent, whilst at the same time recognizing that it's not the best of environments for a child to grow up in.

That is a very unfair assumption to make. Just because she parents her DC differently from you, does not mean she has 'serious MH issues'.
Unfair? Its certainly NOT HEALTHY. Poor kid. No wonder she's afraid he'd try to escape. Its not overprotective. Its abusive.
BTW, if someone on MN says their child has a late bedtime or is allowed to play GTA, people would say call the SS.

I agree that being overly protective does amount to a form of abuse. My parents were over protective in the 70s when all my friends were playing out in the street or in the fields behind the estate I was not allowed. I used to watch them all having fun out of the window. They used to knock for me but I had to say no. In the end they stopped calling. I feel that I missed out on so much fun and there's a lot of resentment towards my parents for stopping me having fun just to reassure themselves that I was safe. It's incredibly selfish and takes away a hugely important part of childhood. Children only have one childhood and its selfish and cruel to deny them the freedom to enjoy it.

In my limited experience, the kind of sexual abuse I am talking about is of young girls by older men/young adult men. And every single one of my friends with unlimited freedom was sexually assaulted or abused too. controlling relationships and teenage domestic violence too

Mollycoddled kids often go wild at university. They make up for lost fun times then. One of the people in my hall fell into this category. She was lovely but notorious. She settled down a bit after the first year but she'd got herself into some pretty hardcore situations that she hadn't been equipped to avoid.

I have massive anxiety issues that I direct at my children (especially the first two) probably triggered by my brother being killed when I was a teenager. I got much better when the eldest started Senior school. I feel really sorry for her if she's struggling in this way.

Oh and my eldest has just started Law at Uni. He's fine and very grounded. What a sweeping statement to make tree.

Good for you (and your DC) MommyBear. I hate this notion that if your kids are not going out unaccompanied by the age of 9 that they'll all gonna be messed up adults. It's ridiculous.

Sorry to hear about your brother, MummyBear.

Completely and totally ridiculous that a 12 year old can't go in the garden by himself. Why are you so invested in stifling your child?

Failing to build independence in your child is far worse than the occasional chicken nugget.