To be surprised by this level of overprotectiveness!

[IrishTwin]

My colleague at work just told me she doesn't allow her 9 1/2 year old son out alone in their back garden!! I actually didn't know what to say! Her son hasn't got any additional needs or problems,is Nt ( Neuro-typical) and goes to a mainstream school Im actually pretty shocked at this! Am I wrong to this this is is beyond overprotection!

I leave my 4 year old in the garden and half watch from the kitchen
She has a great time
Works off some energy and makes homes for snails

My daughter is friends with a child like this - she's not allowed to do anything that all of the other girls in the class are doing becacuse of her parents' anxieties. Last year when they were all doing cycling proficiency she wasn't allowed to do it as it was "dangerous". She is driven everywhere as walking is so risky. She's not allowed to do dancing/guides/drama because it's a well known fact all volunteer leaders are paedophiles. Her social life consists of inviting other girls to her house to watch DVDs under parental supervision. Unsurprisingly a lot of the girls are fed up with this when they'd rather have the option of swimming, or going to the park, or walking in a group to McDonalds for ice cream.

The 11 year old is very neurotic herself - which is hardly suprising when you've had 11 years of being told everyone and everything is out to get you.

And what about our parents? That generation was far less protective. Were we neglected?

I just don't agree with that as a blanket statement. My own experience was much the same as my children are getting.

That is a little over protective, garden alone yes but I'd not allow School or the shops alone at 9 and neither would most I know.

Some parents are far to too lax, some far to strict.

It's not going to kill him to have his Mum in the garden with him and it's not the worst parenting in the world.

Exactly. People in here are so judgey.

corythatwas, I am talking about 'parenting fails' like giving your kids chicken nuggets... to me that is far, far worse than being a bit overprotective.

I have a colleague whose husband has switched to permanent night shifts purely so that he can (covertly) follow their son to the local shops during lunchtime at school. He's 12!!!

And don't get me started on the time they wouldn't allow their 17 year old son to the cinema because there wasn't a parent available to drop them off and collect them.

I have a ten year old, it amazes me how protective some of the parents in her class are. They all stand around in the yard waiting for them to go in and are eagerly waiting for them right in the school yard after school. It's not changed since reception, but theose poor kids are going to secondary school soon.
A fair few will not be going on the 4 day school residential as its "too long". I think it's too long for the parent not the child.

The parents are panicking something written about secondary school and how the after school club won't be able to pick them up. None allowed to play out. How are they ever going to manage if they are so wrapped up.

My DS had a best friend in his old school whose mum was extremely overprotective. She admitted it was her anxiety. The kids were driven everywhere, were never allowed out of the house without supervision. We used to have playdates where we'd collect each others kids from school. It was frankly dangerous taking them back to my house, because they had absolutely no road sense. I ended up doing the same as her, driving to school half an hour early to get a parking spot right outside the school, chucking them in the car and keeping them in the house until it was time to go home. I'd have to supervise them in the garden too. It's more dangerous in the long run not to expose them to any danger, then expecting them to know what to do when they come across it.

Well, I have never heard of anyone's parents escorting them to uni or work, so I guess they must sort themselves out eventually. Just a bit later.

Out of all the overprotected kids I knew growing up, none of them have ended up delinquent and all would be considered 'normal', so I don't know what you're all on about really.

That really is quite overprotective, poor lad. My 6 year old is currently out in the unenclosed garden, building a den with rocks and planks and an old door, I feel no need to supervise her, she'd find it a bit odd really!

An interesting survey that I read a while ago compares children's independent mobility (i.e. going out and about without parents, travelling to school etc.) in various countries including England and Finland (where I live) and Finland is the top-performing country, while England lags behind. It stresses how important independent mobility is for children saying:

Children’s independent mobility matters for a variety of reasons, including the ability to be autonomous and safe outside the home, staying physically fit and reducing the risk of obesity, and developing social and practical skills. Losing this independence can leave children less self-sufficient, less healthy and less free. It is therefore vital to understand the ways in which the ability to travel independently have changed and what this implies for society and future policy.

The report can be read here www.psi.org.uk/children_mobility

This is what I love about my DD growing up in Finland -

The degree of independent mobility granted to Finnish children is striking. At age 7, a majority of Finnish children can already travel to places within walking distance or cycle to places alone; by age 8 a majority can cross main roads, travel home from school and go out after dark alone, by age 9 a majority can cycle on main roads alone, and by age 10 a majority can travel on local buses alone. Overall, Finland is the top-performing country across almost every independent mobility indicator in this study, coming second only to Germany for children’s self-reported freedom to travel on local buses alone

At parents' evening DS' teachers asked why I was still walking him to school. He was 6.
To be honest I agreed with them (small village, live very close to the school) so now he goes on his own.
He's 7 now and goes to the park on his own, can wash up, cook an omelette, bake a cake, hoover etc.
Surely our job as parents is to teach our children all the skills they need to be independant adults, whilst keeping them alive in the process?

Another important point for parents to consider, especially those that think secondary school starting age is the right age to allow more freedom and independence -

Withholding independent mobility at a young age may expose children to greater risk later in their childhood. The granting of gradually increasing independent mobility from an early age allows children to develop and consolidate skills of independent mobility over time as parents allow them and in progressively more complex environments. The delay in granting independent mobility may result in the exposure of children to greater risk when they are older. The transfer to secondary school with longer more complex journeys is often being allowed without children having gained the earlier experience to help them. In the UK a spike in pedestrian road casualties accompanies the move to secondary school

It does seem very extreme, but.
You don't her past though. Something could have happened to cause her to act this way.

Past trauma gives a reason for excessively overprotective behaviour, but not an excuse. It's our responsibility as parents to try to address those kinds of anxieties and deal with them without disadvantaging or children, as hard as that may be. Giving into irrational fears and letting them restrict children to an unhealthy degree will only cause more problems and entrenches the anxiety more deeply in the parent.

I think it's very unfair on the kid not to allow him that independence. My DD has just turned 7 and has been playing unsupervised in the garden since she was 5. Our new garden doesn't even have a gate on it yet (only leads to a footpath). She's always been sensible and risk-averse, but still! I have to spend my time stopping the kamikaze toddler from falling on his head, if I didn't let her go off by herself she'd be bored to tears trailing round with me. I'm trying to get her road savvy so that in another year or so she can start taking herself to the park.

I have an anxiety disorder myself and I do see how people can get worked up about safety, but I also know it's my responsibility not to let my MH issues bugger things up for the kids. If I need to, I seek treatment. I don't deny my children necessary life skills because it makes me feel better.

@MissDallas ...feeding them chicken nuggets is abusive?

Mine have been allowed out to play since they were two, unless there is a paddling pool out. I keep the Windows open so I can hear what is going on, but get on with house work etc while they entertain themselves. They are good at knowing their limits, e.g. if DD (3) wants to do the monkey bars she asks me to come and help her. (She Climbs all over the rest of the climbing frame quite confidently though!)

YANBU, overprotectiveness is stifling. And I agree that we can't let our anxieties cause our children to suffer.

One friend is anxious to the extreme and is incredibly controlling with it. We are starting to avoid hanging out with them TBH as her constant shouting at her kids to e.g. stop running on the playground equipment because it's dangerous (not because of there being other little kids around, which would be considerate - the playground was empty) is stressing me and the kids out. Playing with them isn't fun because they aren't allowed to do a damn thing.

She must have some serious m/h issues. It's very sad.