Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised by this level of overprotectiveness!

225 replies

IrishTwin · 10/05/2017 19:03

My colleague at work just told me she doesn't allow her 9 1/2 year old son out alone in their back garden!! I actually didn't know what to say! Her son hasn't got any additional needs or problems,is Nt ( Neuro-typical) and goes to a mainstream school Im actually pretty shocked at this! Am I wrong to this this is is beyond overprotection!

OP posts:
MissDallas · 11/05/2017 09:59

No SN, I just like to keep an eye on him.

Ceto · 11/05/2017 10:00

So does she have no faith in her own discipline? I wonder if she interrogates his school on what they do to prevent escapes on school trips etc?

ZilphasHatpin · 11/05/2017 10:01

Oh wow! Me and DSIS were lost to the countryside from around 6/7 years old. It sounds like an Enid blyton book but we genuinely did throw crisps and jam sandwiches in a back pack and clear off for the day every chance we got. There was a fast flowing river too and we used to hide in the tunnels under the bridge. (It was Only crawling space!) I have always considered my mum to be quite over protective but maybe she wasn't!

InfiniteSheldon · 11/05/2017 10:03

Zilphashatpin are you my dsis? Nine Wells?

averythinline · 11/05/2017 10:03

Maybe he was a 'bolter' as a toddler or still is ? i know a young girl who is and it is so stressful for her -dd is now 10 and still will just go off in her own world or run off if she gets upset (is at mainstream school but is being assessed for ASD) so there maybe more to it ..

sometimes kids grow out of it but it stays with the parent

TheVeryThing · 11/05/2017 10:05

Wow, I've just started letting my 9 year old walk to school by himself. In fairness, the school is very close buy and we cross our road with him first. He's definitely been pushing for more independence lately.
I feel sorry for the children of over-protective parents.
Surely it's better to give them a little bit of independence gradually, otherwise how will they learn?

ZilphasHatpin · 11/05/2017 10:06

No ininite not your sister! Grin But glad to hear we weren't the only ones!

SheRasBra · 11/05/2017 10:07

I knew a kid when I was younger who wasn't allowed in the back garden AT ALL in case 'the foxes got him'. He was 9 Confused

ZilphasHatpin · 11/05/2017 10:08

Having said that, my youngest DS is coming 8 and there is no way in hell you can let him out of your sight! He has very little impulse control and has previously gone missing twice because he fancied going for a walk Hmm

jojo2916 · 11/05/2017 10:08

It's hard to be a perfect parent and we probably all do things that are detrimental to our children (however unintentionally) but that is going to mess a child up massively why would you do that, as pp said he will either rebel at a very young age which can have dire consequences or never leave home and do normal things friends relationships career travel why would anyone do this to their child to placate their own anxiety, there's selfish parenting and there's abuse and I think this is much closer to the latter.

dollydaydream114 · 11/05/2017 10:10

@missdallas Why you like to keep an eye on a 12 year old in the garden? What do you think he will do in the back garden, at the age of 12, that might be a problem?

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 11/05/2017 10:11

My 2.5 year old goes in the garden by herself...

User24689 · 11/05/2017 10:13

I was in the library last week with my DD who is almost 2. There is a big cuddly 'hungry caterpillar' in the children's section that DC always like to play with / fight over. I asked my DD to let another girl have a turn (she was hovering nearby and looking longingly at caterpillar) and when DD handed it over the other mother screamed (literally screamed), ran across the room and yanked it out of her DDs hands, then told her she knew she shouldn't be touching it because they didn't know where it had been and might have germs. I was a bit Confused

I also know a mother who won't let her DC Play on any park with sand in it (which is all of them round here) in case there are buried syringes.

I actually feel sorry for people with such high levels of anxiety around their DC it must be exhausting.

brasty · 11/05/2017 10:14

Sounds like one of my relatives. No previously bad experiences, just an awful over protectiveness. They were known as the weird family by other kids locally as a result.

purplecollar · 11/05/2017 10:14

Mine aren't so bad. They do as they're told. But they definitely have friends who don't. One of her friends is prone to just walking off on her own, leading to numerous people looking for them. Another of dd's friends does stupid/reckless things. She's broken several bones from jumping off shed roofs, falling out of trees. Another one, tried to strangle dd at school, just to see if it worked.

It's not very safe here. We have a lot of antisocial types congregating in the daytime on the streets (drug users, drunks). But I do let mine out in the garden on their own and into town with a friend. A couple of their friends, I'd probably watch in the garden, even at age 11.

So my point is, depends on the dc.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 11/05/2017 10:14

She wouldn't allow her dc on the grass in the garden in bare feet

Well my DH once stood on a bee. That was highly unpleasant so I must admit I make mine put their shoes on although they often take no notice.

But yanbu OP, that is ridiculous.

Oblomov17 · 11/05/2017 10:18

Why are parents allowed to get away with this? It makes me cross. Mind you, who is supposed to point this out to the parent, that their overprotectiveness is not good parenting?
It's damaging to the child. But there's nothing that can be done about it.

ems137 · 11/05/2017 10:19

He might escape?! Eh? He's not a toddler 😂

And pp 12 years old and he's not allowed in the garden by himself. I think you need to start giving him a bit of freedom before he turns 15 and you still hold his hand to cross the road!

My 10&9 years olds play out on the street, walk to school (round the corner) and even go to the shop for me by themselves!

Sleepdeprivedredhead · 11/05/2017 10:19

I have a friend who is disturbingly over protective, her 8 year old is not allowed to drink from a glass, play without her / husband supervising in a room/ garden. She is home schooled, normally I'd be all for that but in this case that means she is with a parent whenever she is awake - all the time. It's not Attachment Parenting, it's posessiveness. Actually, I say friend but I have been avoiding her because of this and her judgemental "concerns" over my parenting - I have failed to "bond" apparently. I've never raised concerns over their decisions but it becomes increasingly hard to spend time with her as normal activities; letting our 8 year olds do a climbing frame alone and have a chat together for eg; are impossible.

MissDallas · 11/05/2017 10:21

I grew up in the US, so probably have a different perspective on certain things. DS is tiny and I am protective of him. I try to do it descretely though, if that makes sense.

Interestingly though, DS has flown alone for years. We will put him on the aircraft and GPs will meet him at the other end.

I would be interested to hear from those who let their kids in the garden alone, would you let your child fly alone? No right or wrong answer, I am just curious.

RhodaBorrocks · 11/05/2017 10:22

My just turned 10yo DS never liked to play outside alone when we had enclosed gardens but he has ASD and high anxiety. Nowadays we have a shared garden in a flat complex and the garden is not enclosed. He still doesn't like going out alone, but more because 'it's boring' than anxiety. When the other kids in the flats come and knock on the door he's happy to go out. They go out of sight, but only to ride bikes near the garages or use chalks on the paved area where the sheds and washing lines are. At his age I would be streets away!

I now drop him at the top of the road and he walks down to school each morning. His secondary school is actually much closer so he'll probably walk alone from then. I also have no qualms with him walking to my DParents house after school when he's at secondary, but they're horrified by the thought. It's a mile and I used to do it twice a day from age 11!!! I think a mile walk to their house and company is safer than a hundred yards walk then being alone until I get home at 6.

I think some people forget how much they did as kids, and let their anxieties dictate what they let their kids do. DS is HF ASD but I want to make him as independent as possible. He also cooks and cleans - my DM thinks I'm waaay too harsh on him. I think she was too soft on me and DSis! Grin

Oblomov17 · 11/05/2017 10:22

We cant give all prospective parents 'Anxiety checks' and 'parenting classes'. So, what other way round it, is there?

Dishwashersaurous · 11/05/2017 10:23

Wow that's just weird.

corythatwas · 11/05/2017 10:23

MissDallas, what will you do when he is suddenly a teenager who insists on going out to parties and taking a job in the next town?

Aren't these the years when you should be gradually building up his independence and confidence in his own risk assessment skills? Or are you planning to suddenly throw him in at the deep end when he turns 16?

To me the years between 9 and 14 (or thereabouts) is the ideal time for teaching them practical independence skills while they are still relatively sensible, before they are hit by the pressures of the mid-teens.

Soubriquet · 11/05/2017 10:25

My 2 and 4 year old are currently outside.

I'm sat in the kitchen in ear distance.

I can see onto the patio but not any further

The garden is secure, the gate is by the kitchen door, im happy, they are happy why not?!

The only time I will sit outside to supervise is if we have the paddling pool out