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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to never have DP's friend of 30 years in our house ever again after this behaviour?

260 replies

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 16:54

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. DP is 15 years older than me, DP's friend is 20 ish years older than me. For the sake of brevity I'll call him Bob.

We have a thing where we alternate going to each other's house for dinner each month, which has previously been fine as although I get the feeling that Bob can be a bit dismissive of my opinions, his wife is really lovely and very funny so we generally have a nice time.

Last time we had them round to ours a day out involving gin was suggested.

On Saturday we went out for our afternoon of gin. It finished around 5pm and we were a bit tipsy, so we thought we'd go for early dinner.

Finding a table for 4 anywhere decent on a Saturday evening in our city is a challenge, so we rang round a few places and finally got a 6pm table somewhere not super posh but nice.

During this process Bob nips to the loo, and is quite put out that he has not had final say on the booking, and declares he is not hungry.

We all say that as we last ate at 10am, we will be starving by 6/6.30 plus we are a bit drunk.

He begrudgingly comes to the restaurant, sits down and immediately complains that it's too dark, the seats are not comfy and the girl who brought our drinks is fat (!).

Starter comes and mine is gorgeous, he gets waitress over to complain that his is not what he ordered as there is an ingredient in it that he wasn't expecting. Waitress is very polite and shows him where it says on the menu that the dish includes this.

Then the mains come. Ours are all gorgeous, but bigger than we were expecting. He stirs his around his plate til it's all mushed up like a toddler, calls the waitress back and tells her he "can't eat that, it's disgusting."

Waitress asks if she can swap it for something else, he just says, "no, just take it away."

The bill comes. He asks his wife for a pen and starts circling the things he's not paying for, including his wife's chips as she hasn't eaten them.

He then calls his wife a fucking hypocrite for saying she liked her dinner she just couldn't finish it.

I say, in a calm way, that he really shouldn't speak to her like that. I found out later from the wife that as I turn away he mouths "stupid fucking bitch" at me.

My DP hates any picking at the bill in restaurants, so offers just to pay for everyone. Bob isn't happy with this either, he wants to have a strop about the food. His wife gets her card out and offers to pay. He won't let her. The waitress is standing there not knowing what to do.

I have an outdoor, low paid job (this is relevant) and by this point I am monumentally pissed off, so I say, still quietly and calmly, "shall I just pay the bill, because I'd rather stand outside in the pissing rain for 14 hours and earn the money than sit here and listen to you for one more minute."

At this point the poor waitress asks what she should do, and he says:

You'll do as you're fucking well told

Waitress goes off crying, the manager comes folllowed by a bouncer, Bob pays the entire bill by himself and flounces off, leaving his wife sat at the table.

DP thinks we should just put it down to drink and keep having them over. WIBU to say no, never again?

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 09/05/2017 21:28

Has you dp ever seen this type of behaviour from Bob before ?

NoSquirrels · 09/05/2017 21:29

Well, Bob's wife sounds like she might need a friend, and if you do generally get on with her and like her when you do meet up, even if it is usually arranged by the menz, I think you should offer an olive branch.

Presumably, you will no longer be socialising as a 4, and your DP will also presumably be seeing Bob alone, so it's his wife who is going to be the loser in the friendship stakes, really, if you guys are a regular fixture in their diary.

Friend her on FB, or text her (if your DP has her number) to say "Would you like to meet up without the blokes for a drink/film/coffee?" and then the ball's in her court. If she feels exposed she won't take you up on it, but you have offered the opening if she wants to. Or send a card (addressed just to her) saying nothing much controversial but adding your mobile/email?

If I were her, and I liked hanging out with you as much as you seemed to have enjoyed her company, I'd feel like shite that my shitty 'D'H had made such an arse out of himself that he'd ruined a friendship, even if it hadn't progressed to seeing each other solo for whatever abusive husband reason.

ptumbi · 09/05/2017 21:37

OP - i know you say you don't need your DP to 'fight your battles' but any badtempered twat who called me a stupid fucking bitch would be instantly removed from my Dp's friendship circle, by him! I wouldn't need to ask him to, he would drop Bob like a hot stone.

And I'd never see Bob again, in any way shape or form.

You could do with some support from your DP. Not confrontational, just solid.

ptumbi · 09/05/2017 21:39

Queenofpentagles why 'should they all stay off the Gin'? Because one of four is a cunt, with and without Gin - why should the other 3 not drink?

BeeThirtythree · 09/05/2017 21:41

Tazerface Yes and yes! Being drunk is an excuse and just masking real feelings when sober. Waiting staff/anyone providing a service should be treated with respect, a lot of people forget their manners when dealing with waiting staff especially.

Elphaba99 · 09/05/2017 21:41

ptumbi Exactly. Just thinking what my DH would do if he found out that a friend of his called me that. 😱😱

OP If I were you I would def still meet up with Nob's wife. If your DH wants to see Nob he'll have to do it without you because no WAY would I spend one more minute in the company of such a nasty shit.

missymayhemsmum · 09/05/2017 21:49

You need to have a calm talk with your DH about why he wants this friend in his life when he behaves so appallingly. If he has really good reasons/strong feelings why he values Bob's friendship then I guess your loyalty to DH is greater than your dislike of Bob the knob. YANBU to have called him out on his behaviour, though. What a brat

littletwofeet · 09/05/2017 21:57

I think I'd lose all respect for my DH if he wanted to stay friends with someone who had called me a stupid fucking bitch.
The text message he sent to Bob seems to imply he is blaming you.

You seem to think that Bob is treating his wife badly but your DP is not treating you brilliantly either Sad

StealthPolarBear · 09/05/2017 22:01

Presumably op's dh will still see bobs wife. If I were the op I'd be staying well out of it all.

PenguinOfDoom · 09/05/2017 22:01

A former friend of DH's called me a fucking bitch behind my back but in front of DH (the last in a long line of Bob-like behaviour) from him. DH suggested to him that he should have the balls to say it to my face and they are now no longer friends.

Bob sound appalling. I wouldn't have anything more to do with him either.

roundaboutthetown · 09/05/2017 22:10

Any chance he's got bipolar disorder and heading for a manic episode? I have a friend with bipolar who can become seriously obnoxious when becoming a bit manic (drinking heavily, rude and aggressive, thinks he can control everybody...). He can be great fun when more rational/in control of his behaviour.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2017 22:10

I think as your partner and him have been good friends for 30 years I would still see them if my partner asked. He knows if this is out of character and I'd assume they are friends for a reason.

Yes he behaved terribly, but as it was the first time this happened and a one off so far, I'd accept the apology graciously and move past it. If it happened again. Yes that would be different, but as a first time I'd trust my partners judgement and respect they have been friends for 30 years and this has not happened before.

SheWhoMustNotBeTamed · 09/05/2017 22:13

Bob is a nasty misogynist - I bet he didn't speak down to your husband.

Honestly unless he's really apologetic I really wouldn't fancy his company again.

3luckystars · 09/05/2017 22:17

When the drink goes in, the truth comes out.

SlothMama · 09/05/2017 22:22

He sounds like a bellend I'd refuse to spend time with him ever again. Feel sorry for his wife she seems like she's actually a decent person

BeardofZeus · 09/05/2017 22:27

Utterly outrageous behaviour.. yanbu

ChasedByBees · 09/05/2017 22:28

Bon is an arsehole. How did you leave things with your DP after he apologised for you?

Gabilan · 09/05/2017 22:30

but as a first time I'd trust my partners judgement and respect they have been friends for 30 years and this has not happened before

The partner's reaction on this occasion has been to apologise for any provocation. Thus actually, I wouldn't trust his judgement on this since he doesn't seem to realise how bad it is. As the OP has said, he was brought up in an abusive environment so has normalised such behaviour. The OP has only known this friend a couple of years. My bet is that he has been like this before and her partner hasn't realised. Possibly he's kept a lid on it for a while and it's coming out more now.

Sure, we all balls up from time to time. But IMO this shows a very nasty and disrespectful side to Bob.

Willow2017 · 09/05/2017 22:32

bluntness
This isn't the first time though according to ops partner. It's just the first time she had seen it. He has form for this.

Should she wait until he kicks off again in public and ruins another Evening, maybe calls her worse names?

GabsAlot · 09/05/2017 22:51

sorry your dh excusing it and aplogising is out order-if he wants to bee friends with this twot let him but i wouldnt have anything to do with him

does he know bob called you a stupid fucking bitch

rightwhine · 09/05/2017 23:14

I would bow out and let DH do his own thing. I'd also pull him up for the provocative comment. I appreciate that you don't want to see the wife on her own but is there a way to let her know that you think she should seek counselling or something as you are cncerned for her?

SugarnetMum · 09/05/2017 23:28

Can't stand people being unnecessarily nasty to whether its waiters, shop staff, bartenders. Its funny really and when you're one of them you laugh at them for being such a low prick!

C4Envelope · 09/05/2017 23:31

Never again!!!

Giraffey1 · 09/05/2017 23:36

It doesn't matter how much you have had to drink or what a shit day you have had in the office, this kind of boorish behaviour is never acceptable. I feel sorry for the wife (good for you, OP, for standing up for her and shame on the poster who said it was none of you business. Treating people badly is not acceptable and should be everyone's business).
A four word apology? I think that tells you all you need to know about this rather unpleasant bully.
I would not be in a rush to see him again.

user1493059174 · 09/05/2017 23:53

Oh my goodness that is terrible behaviour and you should never have to be in his company again. His poor wife. Whatever must go on behind closed doors. She needs to get out - now!