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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to never have DP's friend of 30 years in our house ever again after this behaviour?

260 replies

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 16:54

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. DP is 15 years older than me, DP's friend is 20 ish years older than me. For the sake of brevity I'll call him Bob.

We have a thing where we alternate going to each other's house for dinner each month, which has previously been fine as although I get the feeling that Bob can be a bit dismissive of my opinions, his wife is really lovely and very funny so we generally have a nice time.

Last time we had them round to ours a day out involving gin was suggested.

On Saturday we went out for our afternoon of gin. It finished around 5pm and we were a bit tipsy, so we thought we'd go for early dinner.

Finding a table for 4 anywhere decent on a Saturday evening in our city is a challenge, so we rang round a few places and finally got a 6pm table somewhere not super posh but nice.

During this process Bob nips to the loo, and is quite put out that he has not had final say on the booking, and declares he is not hungry.

We all say that as we last ate at 10am, we will be starving by 6/6.30 plus we are a bit drunk.

He begrudgingly comes to the restaurant, sits down and immediately complains that it's too dark, the seats are not comfy and the girl who brought our drinks is fat (!).

Starter comes and mine is gorgeous, he gets waitress over to complain that his is not what he ordered as there is an ingredient in it that he wasn't expecting. Waitress is very polite and shows him where it says on the menu that the dish includes this.

Then the mains come. Ours are all gorgeous, but bigger than we were expecting. He stirs his around his plate til it's all mushed up like a toddler, calls the waitress back and tells her he "can't eat that, it's disgusting."

Waitress asks if she can swap it for something else, he just says, "no, just take it away."

The bill comes. He asks his wife for a pen and starts circling the things he's not paying for, including his wife's chips as she hasn't eaten them.

He then calls his wife a fucking hypocrite for saying she liked her dinner she just couldn't finish it.

I say, in a calm way, that he really shouldn't speak to her like that. I found out later from the wife that as I turn away he mouths "stupid fucking bitch" at me.

My DP hates any picking at the bill in restaurants, so offers just to pay for everyone. Bob isn't happy with this either, he wants to have a strop about the food. His wife gets her card out and offers to pay. He won't let her. The waitress is standing there not knowing what to do.

I have an outdoor, low paid job (this is relevant) and by this point I am monumentally pissed off, so I say, still quietly and calmly, "shall I just pay the bill, because I'd rather stand outside in the pissing rain for 14 hours and earn the money than sit here and listen to you for one more minute."

At this point the poor waitress asks what she should do, and he says:

You'll do as you're fucking well told

Waitress goes off crying, the manager comes folllowed by a bouncer, Bob pays the entire bill by himself and flounces off, leaving his wife sat at the table.

DP thinks we should just put it down to drink and keep having them over. WIBU to say no, never again?

OP posts:
JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 20:12

Hi, sorry, had dogs to walk and dinner to put on.

To try and answer some questions, we have had a text on Sunday morning saying sorry about last night. That's it, literally those four words. DP replied, before I'd had a chance to see it, saying don't worry, we'd all had a bit to drink, sorry for any provocation.

I went mental, obviously. His stance is that they've been friends for such a long time and this is the first time he's been this bad.

He obviously has form, but I've only been with DP 2 years so obviously haven't seen as much of him.

I also suspect no one really calls him out on his behaviour.

We stayed in the restaurant for another drink after Bob had left and apologised to everyone. Then we spoke to the manager and bought a £100 voucher for her specifically (their tips are split apparently)

I have never thought so until now, but I don't think Bob's wife has a very nice time. If my DP had been even a tenth of the cunt Bob was I would have bollocked him then sent him home. Bobs wife just sat there in silence, hence why I felt like I should speak up.

Thankfully DP is not one iota of a cunt ever, however he had a dysfunctional abusive childhood and hates conflict. He is genuinely an amazing man and I generally don't need rescuing so I can understand why he didn't kick off on the night.

The wife and I aren't big friends, we see each other because the menz arrange it. I think she would feel a bit exposed if I got her number from DP and phoned her, like she'd accidentally displayed her shit life.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 09/05/2017 20:14

Hang on, you got that he mouthed insults at you from his wife afterwards? Have you spoken to the wife since this occasion? Why would she tell you that?

April229 · 09/05/2017 20:15

It would be the end for me when he mouthed stupid fucking bitch, let alone such horrible behaviour in public I wouldn't go out in public with him again.

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 20:16

Also, I don't think he can blame the gin. He loves gin, drinks it all the time. Gin day was his idea.

I am drinking a g and t right now. So far it has not turned me into a cunt.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 09/05/2017 20:18

Your DP said 'sorry for any provocation' - does that mean you?!?!?

If he's apologising for your behaviour in this, I would go ballistic. You were not at fault.

GallicosCats · 09/05/2017 20:18

You got the name wrong. Should have called him Dick.

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 20:19

Spoke to the wife after Bob had left the table. I apologised for the second thing I said about the bill, as it was only afterwards that it registered that I might have caused huge problems for her. As she was the one who had to go home to him.

That was when she told me that after I'd asked him not to speak to her like that he mouthed stupid fucking bitch behind my back.

OP posts:
Offyougo · 09/05/2017 20:21

faithinthesound because a rude word in a couple on a evening put is the same as being killed by your partner/ex partner. Of course something really bad needs someone else to intervene but not anyone else business how two people talk to each other. If that was me I would be angrier with the one that did intervene then my partner, because of the assumption that I couldn't defend myself( even if that would have been in private).

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/05/2017 20:23

He loves gin, drinks it all the time

I bet he fucking does.

Sounds like he surrounds himself with enablers and yes-men because he doesnt countenance the idea of ever being told "no" or that he is being unreasonable.

I suspect that from now on he will either be lovely infront of your DP and his wife but make nasty comments when they are not around if he gets chance and deny it if you call him on it infront of them. Or he will get nastier to force a confrontation where he can cut you both off for being unreasonable. Either way, nothing will be his fault. Ever.

ProphetOfDoom · 09/05/2017 20:24

Well the next dinner party is going to be a doozy! Hopefully the chill in the air will shrivel his balls. Definitely Arctic Roll for dessert.

Liiinoo · 09/05/2017 20:25

IF he had made a proper, contrite, fulsome apology to you AND the waitress the next day I would be inclined to overlook it. As he hasn't I wouldn't want anything more to do with him.

There is a saying 'we teach people how to treat us'. If you carry on regularly socialising with him now you are giving a tacit message that what he did was ok with you and you will probably see that side of him more often in the future.

If DH and him carry on being mates you may well cross paths with Bob again in the future in which case I would suggest being formal and polite but not friendly.

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 20:25

Offyougo I'm sorry but fuck that. If my partner had called me a fucking hypocrite more than once in public and I hadn't felt like I could tell him to get to fuck, I would want someone to point out how shitty his behaviour was.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 09/05/2017 20:26

YANBU. I'm different when I am drunk, but whereas I'm quite reserved, I become a bit louder, my fundamental personality doesn't change, I just let go a bit more.

He is a wanker. I certainly wouldn't want to socialise again because I'd be worried about him acting like this again.

Ratatatouille · 09/05/2017 20:28

Sometimes I am gobsmacked by people's attitudes on here. Honestly.

Maybe not treating friends like helpless little things would help more?

Are you actually blaming Bob's abusive and aggressive behaviour on the OP for calling him out? Just wrong in so many ways. Bob is capable of choosing the way he interacts with people. He cannot be made to behave in a certain way. His terrible behaviour is on him and him alone. Besides which, he was already being a nasty bastard before OP got involved. Do you just stand by like a wet lettuce when you witness abuse then? Or do you think that somebody challenging abuse when they see it is such a heinous crime that it completely vindicates the abuser themselves?

OP YWBVU to tell your DH that he was not allowed to have a friend of 30years in his home.

Sorry, in who's home? It's not 1950. DP is not lord and master. OP is quite within her rights to refuse to host in THEIR HOME (i.e. her home too!) a man who called her a "stupid fucking bitch". And to be honest she shouldn't have to because any partner or husband worth his salt would not entertain the idea of socialising further with somebody who called their wife such a disgusting name. At least not without a massive and heartfelt apology and some discussion with their wife first.

OP I don't want to rag on your DH because as you say he's not good with conflict but he really isn't demonstrating much loyalty here. The fact that Bob apologised to your DH and not to you directly kind of proves that he is a sexist pig and the 4 word message isn't very sincere. Your DH shouldn't be accepting such a weak apology on your behalf. What would you do if it were your friend who had treated DH appallingly? I'm guessing you'd be a lot more hurt and you wouldn't let them off so easy. So why would you not hold DH to the same standards as you hold yourself?

Naicehamshop · 09/05/2017 20:29

Have you decided what to do OP?

I would honestly never speak to him again, and definitely not let him in my house. If your dp wants to see him outside the house, then that's up to him.

People who are making excuses for him - you should be absolutely fucking ashamed of yourselves. The bile and hatred that's been turned on the waitress and the op (and probably Nob's wife) are examples of misogyny at it's worst. Men like this should be called out on their behaviour EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Dozer · 09/05/2017 20:30

Agree with PPs: I would never be socialising with Nob again. Feel sorry for his wife.

Your DP's text to Nob was pathetic: were you the "provocation" he referred to?

LaLegue · 09/05/2017 20:31

Bob is a knob. I don't care if it is just down to drink. If drink makes him behave like an obnoxious cunt then he should think about quitting.

I would be telling DP that he can see him on his own in future.

SheSaidHeSaid · 09/05/2017 20:39

There's no way I'd socialise with Bob/Dick again.

I wouldn't be impressed with my DH making the apology for any provocation either, whether well meant or not. You don't need him to (wrongly) apologise on your behalf just as the poor wife of Bob/Dick shouldn't feel the need to apologise for his disgusting behaviour.

Beeziekn33ze · 09/05/2017 20:39

Glad you left a hefty tip for that poor waitress. The way he spoke to her shows his attitude to women. I bet he's been using and abusing them all his life.

Floggingmolly · 09/05/2017 20:40

Sorry op, but your DH is as big a dick as Bob. He apologised to Bob for any provocation on your parts which caused this behaviour? (which included calling you a stupid fucking bitch). Hmm
Forget about Bob and concentrate on your DH's reaction.
That's your real problem.

WateryTart · 09/05/2017 20:43

Nope. Never see him again. Awful creature.

Gabilan · 09/05/2017 20:44

I think she would feel a bit exposed if I got her number from DP and phoned her, like she'd accidentally displayed her shit life

Well she told you that bob mouthed "stupid fucking bitch" at you. I think she wants you to know there's an issue. Maybe I'm reading too much into that but it sounds like a cry for help.

Patsy99 · 09/05/2017 20:44

"Sorry for any provocation"? Wtf does that mean?

It sounds like your DP has issues with standing up for himself (and you).

Butterymuffin · 09/05/2017 20:45

I'd be saying to your DP that he can choose whether he sees Bob alone or not, but the day Bob returns to your joint home will be the day you leave it. Plus I'd be asking him straight what he meant by 'any provocation'. He's not out of the woods there.

As for 'gin makes people do bad things', bollocks. Alcohol can lift inhibitions that mean a hidden part of someone's personality becomes visible. Not the same.

Casschops · 09/05/2017 20:46

Having had a drink is never an excuse for being so vile. EVER. So don't make any for him. I would have stuck up for his wife as he made it your business when he spoke to her like that in front of people. Definitely wouldn't seeing ball ache Bob anytime ever again. I would try to stay in touch with Mrs. Bob but wouldn't want to go out with him again. It reflects badly and you don't want people thinking you're all like him Angry

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