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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to never have DP's friend of 30 years in our house ever again after this behaviour?

260 replies

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 16:54

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. DP is 15 years older than me, DP's friend is 20 ish years older than me. For the sake of brevity I'll call him Bob.

We have a thing where we alternate going to each other's house for dinner each month, which has previously been fine as although I get the feeling that Bob can be a bit dismissive of my opinions, his wife is really lovely and very funny so we generally have a nice time.

Last time we had them round to ours a day out involving gin was suggested.

On Saturday we went out for our afternoon of gin. It finished around 5pm and we were a bit tipsy, so we thought we'd go for early dinner.

Finding a table for 4 anywhere decent on a Saturday evening in our city is a challenge, so we rang round a few places and finally got a 6pm table somewhere not super posh but nice.

During this process Bob nips to the loo, and is quite put out that he has not had final say on the booking, and declares he is not hungry.

We all say that as we last ate at 10am, we will be starving by 6/6.30 plus we are a bit drunk.

He begrudgingly comes to the restaurant, sits down and immediately complains that it's too dark, the seats are not comfy and the girl who brought our drinks is fat (!).

Starter comes and mine is gorgeous, he gets waitress over to complain that his is not what he ordered as there is an ingredient in it that he wasn't expecting. Waitress is very polite and shows him where it says on the menu that the dish includes this.

Then the mains come. Ours are all gorgeous, but bigger than we were expecting. He stirs his around his plate til it's all mushed up like a toddler, calls the waitress back and tells her he "can't eat that, it's disgusting."

Waitress asks if she can swap it for something else, he just says, "no, just take it away."

The bill comes. He asks his wife for a pen and starts circling the things he's not paying for, including his wife's chips as she hasn't eaten them.

He then calls his wife a fucking hypocrite for saying she liked her dinner she just couldn't finish it.

I say, in a calm way, that he really shouldn't speak to her like that. I found out later from the wife that as I turn away he mouths "stupid fucking bitch" at me.

My DP hates any picking at the bill in restaurants, so offers just to pay for everyone. Bob isn't happy with this either, he wants to have a strop about the food. His wife gets her card out and offers to pay. He won't let her. The waitress is standing there not knowing what to do.

I have an outdoor, low paid job (this is relevant) and by this point I am monumentally pissed off, so I say, still quietly and calmly, "shall I just pay the bill, because I'd rather stand outside in the pissing rain for 14 hours and earn the money than sit here and listen to you for one more minute."

At this point the poor waitress asks what she should do, and he says:

You'll do as you're fucking well told

Waitress goes off crying, the manager comes folllowed by a bouncer, Bob pays the entire bill by himself and flounces off, leaving his wife sat at the table.

DP thinks we should just put it down to drink and keep having them over. WIBU to say no, never again?

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 09/05/2017 20:46

Doesnt matter If it was thevdrink or not his behaviour was bad to start with and he sulked like a spoiled brat and went out of his way to spoil the night for everyone. His behaviour was all aimed at women which shows his true character. I would have stepped in when he was making up crap about his food to the waitress and told him to grow the fuck up.
If I had been his wife i would have walked out and left him in disgust.
The manager should have thrown him out long before it got to the bill.

I wouldnt let him near me again as I would not be able to forget what a misogynist, cowardly appalling excuse for a man he is. Bet he didnt speak to the bouncer like that.

Your dp sounds nice but he should have stepped up when he saw a grown man talking like that over a load of made up twaddle and upsetting you , his wife and the waitress.

MadMags · 09/05/2017 20:48

Your dp apologised for you?

Fuck that! Knob.

Sprogletsmuvva · 09/05/2017 20:49

It is possible for someone to display a moment of arsiness while drunk without being fundamentally an arse.
BUT. Only if it's fleeting. From OP's description, this all took place over hours. Even if Bob was drunk at 5pm, then unless he continued to drink he shouldn't have still been drunk by the time the bill came (and detailed looking at the bill certainly doesn't suggest someone who's temporarily lost their mental faculties).

Floggingmolly · 09/05/2017 20:50

Ballache Bob Grin

Patsy99 · 09/05/2017 20:53

I suppose it's not particularly surprising that a man with an abusive dysfunctional childhood has ended up with an abusive dysfunctional friend.

user1472298115 · 09/05/2017 20:53

Until BtheK speaks to you, in person or by phone, & states that he is truly sorry for his abysmal behaviour, then he has not apologised.

To apologise is to acknowledge & take responsibility for the hurt or insult made, to admit to being wrong. It's not supposed to be easy, delegated to others or relayed by text.

Txting your passive bystanding mate is not an apology.

Suggest your OH txt back something along the lines of 'Oh she may be a SFB, but she's my SFB. So man up & apologise to her, mate x' or words to that effect ;-)

Arkhamasylum · 09/05/2017 20:55

Sorry for any provocation?

Shock
user1472298115 · 09/05/2017 20:56

Oh, BTW Bob thank you for the lovely dinner. It was sweet of you to pick up the bill. Buckles x

Manners!

honeysucklejasmine · 09/05/2017 20:57

Provocation?!

Floggingmolly · 09/05/2017 20:57

Yes, apparently op was being a stupid fucking bitch and needed to be called on it, Ark. I can't believe op thinks Bob is the biggest thing she's got to worry about Hmm

ShiningArmour · 09/05/2017 20:59

I have no time for people who are so fucking rude to staff in restaurants/bars. LTB leave the Bob, pmsl Grin

xFreePeaceSweetx · 09/05/2017 20:59

I always challenge shitty behaviour and commend the op for doing so. A few years ago me, dh and our 3 kids went to a family organised BBQ. For a long time bil had been subtly goading dh about various aspects of his life but dh never rose to it. However at the BBQ in front of everyone they started throwing punches and not caring who was in the way. The kids were cowering together at seeing their dads hurting each other. I've done bar work for years and have split up many fights so I got between them and told them both (not just bil) that they are both dads and should be ashamed of themselves for their behaviour. Dh was remorseful immediately and apologised to everyone. Bil just ran off. We were there another 5-10 mins packing everything up (I was starving too :( ) and we left. As soon as we set foot through the front door dh received a text from bil telling him to tell his fat cunt of a wife (me obvs) to watch my back and who did I think I was to shame him in front of his family? (A large proportion are aged Muslim men who to him equate masculinity with the ability to put women in their place - he just stood there slack jawed and only found his voice thumb rage after I left). His words bounced off my 3 week post partum saggy belly. He embarrassed himself. His brother (dh) apologised to all concerned immediately. We took wine (copious amounts) and left it there. Years later dh and bil made up after bil was almost left permanently disabled by a horrific work accident. Dh made the first move and all was forgotten. He did eventually give me a full apology 6 years late and nearly dying made him change his ways. I did ask him though what his deal was. I'd never (other than BBQ Day) done or said anything to him but he was always very frosty and rude to me. He said he didn't know why and no I'd never done anything to him. Big of him to admit it.

xFreePeaceSweetx · 09/05/2017 21:01

Sorry for waffling. [shame]

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 09/05/2017 21:03

Myself and my husband have been drunk in the past and we would never speak to anyone like that. Disgusting! Alcohol is not an excuse. He's an arse.

QuintessentialShadow · 09/05/2017 21:08

I am expecting a massive drip feed. That you were out dining with Trump.

But seriously now, I would give dinners / drinks with Bob a miss from now on.

warguiltandguile · 09/05/2017 21:15

O.M.G

As a lifelong people pleaser and hater-of-kicking-up-a-fuss, your OP has just sent shivers down my spine!

MissBax · 09/05/2017 21:16

I'd be expecting a significant apology for putting everyone in such an uncomfortable situation. If not, cut him off.

spankhurst · 09/05/2017 21:19

There's a very true saying that you get to see someone's true nature when they're dealing with someone they don't have to be nice to, like waiting staff. Also, in vino veritas.

GoatsFeet · 09/05/2017 21:20

A sexist pig of a man is still a sexist pig of a man, even if he's drunk.

In vino veritas and all that.

I'd not want to socialise with him again.

Ratatatouille · 09/05/2017 21:21

It's strange that a lovely, respectful man would be friends - and not just friends, but close friends for 3 decades - with somebody so repulsive. Obviously you know your DH better than us, I'm not doubting you. Genuinely just remarking on how unusual it is. People usually align themselves with friends who have similar values. Maybe not similar hobbies or likes/dislikes, but at least similar morals. Bob is not a good man. Good men do not suddenly turn into abusive, sexist, aggressive arseholes because of a bit of gin. So why is your DH friends with him? There is no way in hell that this is the first time Bob's mask has slipped in 30 years.

AnUtterIdiot · 09/05/2017 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/05/2017 21:24

Gin. I know you said he drinks it all the time, but how often does he drink as much as he did that day?

I'll have the odd G&T, but never more than a couple. The once I drank a lot of gin I wasn't 'me' at all. I was stupid & emotional and caused a bit of a fuss between my Ex & my (then) current boyfriend. I vowed (the next day) never to drink Gin again and didn't for years. No other alcohol has ever made me act so out of character.

He's been your DH's friend for 30 years, I'd carry on with the dinner thing and see how it goes. I'd also cultivate a stronger relationship with his wife and let her know his behaviour was unacceptable and there's MN help out there if she needs it & that she can always come to yours if she needs to.

I know what you said about her maybe feeling like she's accidentally let you see how shit her life is. Maybe she will feel like that, but I expect that actually she'll be relieved that she has one person she can be honest with now.

QueenofPentacles · 09/05/2017 21:25

I think you should all keep off the gin. End of.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/05/2017 21:26

I suspect that they are friends because Bob decided they should be. The same with the regular meet ups. The OPs DH struggles to stand up to people because of his past so probably does as he is told because that it is avoidance tactic learned in childhood so that the aggressor isnt provoked :(

I hope that he finds strength through the OP to finally say No.

Patsy99 · 09/05/2017 21:26

I don't find it strange Rat.

Given the DP has been brought up in an abusive home as op says it's his benchmark for normal.

If he hates conflict he is probably hopeless with proper boundaries.