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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to never have DP's friend of 30 years in our house ever again after this behaviour?

260 replies

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 16:54

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. DP is 15 years older than me, DP's friend is 20 ish years older than me. For the sake of brevity I'll call him Bob.

We have a thing where we alternate going to each other's house for dinner each month, which has previously been fine as although I get the feeling that Bob can be a bit dismissive of my opinions, his wife is really lovely and very funny so we generally have a nice time.

Last time we had them round to ours a day out involving gin was suggested.

On Saturday we went out for our afternoon of gin. It finished around 5pm and we were a bit tipsy, so we thought we'd go for early dinner.

Finding a table for 4 anywhere decent on a Saturday evening in our city is a challenge, so we rang round a few places and finally got a 6pm table somewhere not super posh but nice.

During this process Bob nips to the loo, and is quite put out that he has not had final say on the booking, and declares he is not hungry.

We all say that as we last ate at 10am, we will be starving by 6/6.30 plus we are a bit drunk.

He begrudgingly comes to the restaurant, sits down and immediately complains that it's too dark, the seats are not comfy and the girl who brought our drinks is fat (!).

Starter comes and mine is gorgeous, he gets waitress over to complain that his is not what he ordered as there is an ingredient in it that he wasn't expecting. Waitress is very polite and shows him where it says on the menu that the dish includes this.

Then the mains come. Ours are all gorgeous, but bigger than we were expecting. He stirs his around his plate til it's all mushed up like a toddler, calls the waitress back and tells her he "can't eat that, it's disgusting."

Waitress asks if she can swap it for something else, he just says, "no, just take it away."

The bill comes. He asks his wife for a pen and starts circling the things he's not paying for, including his wife's chips as she hasn't eaten them.

He then calls his wife a fucking hypocrite for saying she liked her dinner she just couldn't finish it.

I say, in a calm way, that he really shouldn't speak to her like that. I found out later from the wife that as I turn away he mouths "stupid fucking bitch" at me.

My DP hates any picking at the bill in restaurants, so offers just to pay for everyone. Bob isn't happy with this either, he wants to have a strop about the food. His wife gets her card out and offers to pay. He won't let her. The waitress is standing there not knowing what to do.

I have an outdoor, low paid job (this is relevant) and by this point I am monumentally pissed off, so I say, still quietly and calmly, "shall I just pay the bill, because I'd rather stand outside in the pissing rain for 14 hours and earn the money than sit here and listen to you for one more minute."

At this point the poor waitress asks what she should do, and he says:

You'll do as you're fucking well told

Waitress goes off crying, the manager comes folllowed by a bouncer, Bob pays the entire bill by himself and flounces off, leaving his wife sat at the table.

DP thinks we should just put it down to drink and keep having them over. WIBU to say no, never again?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 09/05/2017 23:59

Alcohol disinhibits. It lets loose the character hiding beneath, behind the artificial social veneer. Violent drunks have violent tendency. Obnoxious drunks have obnoxious tendencies. Soppy drunks are just big teddy bears.

So someone who behaves like a fucking cunt when drunk has pretty high odds of significant underlying cuntedness.

AbernathysFringe · 10/05/2017 00:24

Bob's real name isn't Jeremy Clarkson is it?
Immature little twonk.

BlondeB83 · 10/05/2017 00:33

Don't give Bob gin again...

Notmyrealname85 · 10/05/2017 00:44

Which one of these shtty instances do you want to use to never ever see him again?!? Oh lord you have stronger will than me - can we start a fund to free Bob's wife? Poor poor woman, that's horrific

Notmyrealname85 · 10/05/2017 00:45

And no! Never ever see him again! You sound like a really fun group without Bob. Bob the knob

differentnameforthis · 10/05/2017 01:12

might give him a second chance Thing is, he has second chance, and he called the op a "stupid fucking bitch" then he had a third chance, and he told the waitress "You'll do as you're fucking well told"

Then when the MEN came out, he was a tame as a little kitten, paid his bill and left his wife behind.

So he thinks it is acceptable to upset both females in his party, and upset the waitress, yet the men are to be respected and listened to. Because both the op and his wife offered to pay the bill in full..but no, as soon as men suggest it it's a good plan!!

And a kick up the arse for your partner, op for not saying anything to his bully of a friend.

Any chance he's got bipolar disorder and heading for a manic episode? really??? And what...had an amazing moment of clarity when the bouncer and manager turned up?

Italiangreyhound · 10/05/2017 01:47

JasmineBuckles please do get this other woman's number and befriend her, she sounds like she does need it.

OP I would not want that man in my home. And I would be very reluctant to see that person again socially. However, if I got a formal apology, something like a letter and a big bunch of flowers. Then I would start small, just go for coffee.

in your shoes I'd pursue a friendship with the wife, as she sounds like fun and you like her.

I'd encourage your dh to let this man go, I think previous poster was right, the friendship is because Bob the nob wants it. Maybe encourage your dh to let this friend go if this is what your dh wants.

If you do want to go out with him again, then I'd make it clear that his behaviour was unacceptable and any sign of future trouble I would ask the waitress to separate my part of the bill and pay it separately. I would tell my dh this was my plan and I would expect him to join me!

Has your dh had counselling for his childhood issues?

The important thing to remember is that although your dh has been friends with this man 30 years, and may wish to hang onto the relationship, you do not need to ever see him again. But get the wife's number first. I think she needs you.

Offyougo "IMO tho you shouldn't have commented on the way he talks to his wife as that's not really someone else's business and if it was me I would be pissed at someone behaving like I needed someone to stand up for me to my husband."

Women are not some sort of property of their husband, of course you can stick up for a friend if their nob head husband is being rude to them! If a woman is not sticking up for herself when being verbally abused by a man then I think it usually means she is too scared or intimidated to do that, not that she simply likes listening to the abuse!

Italiangreyhound · 10/05/2017 01:49

cross posted with differentnameforthis - excellent post.

Wando1986 · 10/05/2017 07:04

Bobs needs to take a long walk off a short cliff 😏

emmyrose2000 · 10/05/2017 07:22

Bob is complete and utter scum. What you saw that night is the real Bob. Bob would be dead to me from now on. That poor waitress.

Remaining friends with Bob reflects very badly on your husband. Obviously he has has some very serious issues if he thinks this is okay.

I don't care who my DH is friends with, and have never had any need to make comments about his friends. But if he was friends with someone like Bob, and something like this happened, I would absolutely be telling him to drop this shithead pronto. As for him apologising to Bob - WTF?? THAT would send me over the edge, and DH would be left in absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he was wrong and had a lot of making up to me to do. I'd be ashamed of my husband if he behaved like this

ptumbi · 10/05/2017 07:33

they have been friends for 30 years and this has not happened before - that you know of, OP. You say yourself your DP has issues regarding confrontation - he's also going to have problems with boundaries in that case - letting people walk over them, ignoring issues, looking the other way and not noticing Hmm this behaviour. (and as a man it would not be directed at him?)

PLUS - you say you've only been with DP for 2 years - maybe you haven't been paying close attention to Bob the Nob's views?

Definitely ditch. You don't need an explanation - he called you a fucking bitch! - and that's plenty in my book.

Gabilan · 10/05/2017 07:44

and as a man it would not be directed at him?

That's a good point. My brother's best friend married a woman that his group of male friends thought was absolutely charming. I didn't like her. Not through jealousy but I saw a different side because the charm that got directed at men was not directed at women. About 5 years after they married they went through a very nasty divorce. When my brother asked me how I'd spotted how nasty she could be I told him part of the answer was that she was different with women.

Likewise with people who bully - they can be charming with people they consider their seniors or equals. People they've put in the "lower" category experience a very different side to them. If you're "senior" your instincts have to be spot on to realise what's happening and it sounds as if the OP's DH doesn't have a chance there.

I'm a bit suspicious of when the friendship developed as well. As adults a five year age gap makes no odds but if DH was 15 and Bob was 20 when they met that allows for considerable manipulation.

OneGreyElephantBalancing · 10/05/2017 08:14

Well experienced people like this can hide this shit from people. They are masters of manipulation and control. Sounds like the booze turned off the control bit of his brain.

Bet bobs wife would have some more stories to share like this. No way will this be a shock to her.

My exH is a nightmare twat for this stuff and I'd put money on his oldest friend having never seen this side of him.
Which pisses me off because they don't understand why I've left. I'd like them to know for sure.

QuintessentialShadow · 10/05/2017 08:17

I think I'd lose all respect for my DH if he wanted to stay friends with someone who had called me a stupid fucking bitch.
The text message he sent to Bob seems to imply he is blaming you.

This ^

You seem to think that Bob is treating his wife badly but your DP is not treating you brilliantly either

This absolutely! ^

If I were you, I would have seen my dh/dp in a new light after this evening too.
He is more concerned with placating his friend than standing up for you.

I cant believe he just sat there and accepted the behaviour towards the females in his party, and the waitress.

He blames drink? That he has never been so bad before?
Fuck that. Do you really want to be with him?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2017 09:15

I'm sorry, your DP apologised to the misogynistic scumbag for your "provocation" of him??! What? What the actual fuckety fuck??

Oh dear me, no. I'd be texting Bob back and saying something to the effect that I wasn't at all sorry that I'd said what I did, whether it provoked him or not, and that I was glad he'd shown his nasty side now as it meant I never had to see him again.

DP can go and see Bob if he wants to, elsewhere, but he'd not be crossing my threshold again.

I would say that "I'd leave him if he ever saw Bob again" but that's unrealistic, a wee bit controlling, and your DP might call your bluff.

But he sure as be damned would not be setting foot in my home.

My own "dear" BIL called me a fucking bitch in front of my face and my then 3yo, on my own property - I've told DH I'll not be in the same room as him ever again, and he will not ever cross our threshold. DH is a fucking hopeless sap in terms of keeping him away from our actual property, but he doesn't ever get into the house and I won't speak to him. Bit harder when it's your loser dropkick alcoholic BIL though, especially when his brother and mother have been his apologists his whole adult life Angry - if he was just a friend he'd be out on his arse.

sxround · 10/05/2017 09:17

Awful. Never again if it was me. I believe in the theory that has to date never let me down, that you can get a good judge of people by seeing how they speak to service people.

SapphireStrange · 10/05/2017 09:28

sorry for any provocation.

I'd hand him his arse on a fucking plate for that.

MommaGee · 10/05/2017 09:39

IMO tho you shouldn't have commented on the way he talks to his wife as that's not really someone else's business

And that his abuse continues to happen. Because everyone looks elsewhere and pretends it doesn't matter as long as it isn't us

streetface · 10/05/2017 09:45

IMO tho you shouldn't have commented on the way he talks to his wife as that's not really someone else's business

Are you Bob?

Italiangreyhound · 10/05/2017 10:01

OP do you know the provocation comment was directed at you?

Notonthestairs · 10/05/2017 10:08

Here's what will happen next time you go out. You will feel uncomfortable and borderline pissed off because of his crap apology and your DH minimising, Nob will pick up on your vibes and he will get defensive and either try and jolly you in to thinking he's great (annoying) or he'll pick an argument with you to make himself feel better (See! She is a fucking bitch!).
Another evening will end badly.
I'd steer well clear - let them go out alone if needs be.

HectorPlasm · 10/05/2017 19:37

Bob is a prize twat, your husband just marginally less so

Dreamscomingtrue · 29/11/2018 21:10

I find “Heads up” really annoying. How about a different comment?

IceRebel · 29/11/2018 21:18

ZOMBIE THREAD

Thread is from May 2017

Blanchedupetitpois · 29/11/2018 21:26

I would never see him again. What an absolute cunt.