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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to never have DP's friend of 30 years in our house ever again after this behaviour?

260 replies

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 16:54

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. DP is 15 years older than me, DP's friend is 20 ish years older than me. For the sake of brevity I'll call him Bob.

We have a thing where we alternate going to each other's house for dinner each month, which has previously been fine as although I get the feeling that Bob can be a bit dismissive of my opinions, his wife is really lovely and very funny so we generally have a nice time.

Last time we had them round to ours a day out involving gin was suggested.

On Saturday we went out for our afternoon of gin. It finished around 5pm and we were a bit tipsy, so we thought we'd go for early dinner.

Finding a table for 4 anywhere decent on a Saturday evening in our city is a challenge, so we rang round a few places and finally got a 6pm table somewhere not super posh but nice.

During this process Bob nips to the loo, and is quite put out that he has not had final say on the booking, and declares he is not hungry.

We all say that as we last ate at 10am, we will be starving by 6/6.30 plus we are a bit drunk.

He begrudgingly comes to the restaurant, sits down and immediately complains that it's too dark, the seats are not comfy and the girl who brought our drinks is fat (!).

Starter comes and mine is gorgeous, he gets waitress over to complain that his is not what he ordered as there is an ingredient in it that he wasn't expecting. Waitress is very polite and shows him where it says on the menu that the dish includes this.

Then the mains come. Ours are all gorgeous, but bigger than we were expecting. He stirs his around his plate til it's all mushed up like a toddler, calls the waitress back and tells her he "can't eat that, it's disgusting."

Waitress asks if she can swap it for something else, he just says, "no, just take it away."

The bill comes. He asks his wife for a pen and starts circling the things he's not paying for, including his wife's chips as she hasn't eaten them.

He then calls his wife a fucking hypocrite for saying she liked her dinner she just couldn't finish it.

I say, in a calm way, that he really shouldn't speak to her like that. I found out later from the wife that as I turn away he mouths "stupid fucking bitch" at me.

My DP hates any picking at the bill in restaurants, so offers just to pay for everyone. Bob isn't happy with this either, he wants to have a strop about the food. His wife gets her card out and offers to pay. He won't let her. The waitress is standing there not knowing what to do.

I have an outdoor, low paid job (this is relevant) and by this point I am monumentally pissed off, so I say, still quietly and calmly, "shall I just pay the bill, because I'd rather stand outside in the pissing rain for 14 hours and earn the money than sit here and listen to you for one more minute."

At this point the poor waitress asks what she should do, and he says:

You'll do as you're fucking well told

Waitress goes off crying, the manager comes folllowed by a bouncer, Bob pays the entire bill by himself and flounces off, leaving his wife sat at the table.

DP thinks we should just put it down to drink and keep having them over. WIBU to say no, never again?

OP posts:
Ravenesque · 09/05/2017 18:47

StrugglingHuman, I'd be prepared to give him the benefit of that doubt if he was a young man, but once you get past a certain age and you're able to behave like that when drunk, then there's some nastiness going on that you've never bothered to deal with because you really don't care. And I agree, that the truth that comes out is often mangled, but it's part of us, even if badly expressed, and when it's hideously expressed to the extent of a bouncer being called to get rid of him because he's upset a waitress so much, then chances are that he's at the very least not very nice at all.

Also we don't know if this one time in thirty years. It's the one time the OP has seen the full force of it, but he might be like this a lot for all we know.

hackmum · 09/05/2017 18:48

You can always tell what someone is really like by the way they treat waiting staff.

Siwdmae · 09/05/2017 18:53

The guy's a twat. I wouldn't want to see him again.

MadisonAvenue · 09/05/2017 18:54

His poor wife, and the poor waitress!

What a horrible man, that would be it for me. I wouldn't spend another second in his presence.

Maybe you could contact his wife and meet just her for lunch or coffee on occasions though.

ssd · 09/05/2017 18:56

definately go back to the restaurant with bob, give the waitress the chance to spit in his food

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 09/05/2017 18:59

I would not want to be around that man for any reason in the future

eddielizzard · 09/05/2017 19:01

the end.

i would however ask his wife for a coffee. i wouldn't bring it up with her though, and talk about it only if she mentions it. i'm sure she's fully aware that her dh is a dick.

yorkshapudding · 09/05/2017 19:04

I would have nothing more to do with him.

I would be concerned about his wife though. If he thinks it's acceptable to be so verbally abusive to women in public, god knows what he's like behind closed doors.

DoItTooJulia · 09/05/2017 19:14

@Gallavich - bang on.

I wouldn't want anything more to do with Bob. His poor wife though could probably do with a friend like you.

PotPlantAddict · 09/05/2017 19:19

I had a friend who was hard work, at times rude and obnoxious, but I had known her for several years and sometimes with friends you put up with the quirks.

What really broke the camels back was a dinner out with a couple of other friends where she was incredibly rude to the waitress. Completely uncalled for, so much so that myself and another friend went back to apologise.

Pulled her up on it and haven't spoken to her since, life is too short to have such negativity and unpleasantness.

KC225 · 09/05/2017 19:31

You say it's usually fine but does he have form? For instance, not having the final say over the restaurant and being snippy to his wife and rude to staff etc. Surely this type of behaviour would have surfaced before now
I would struggle to see this person socially and make out nothing happened. I agree with the others, see the wife and let your DH pay with his friend

ShiningArmour · 09/05/2017 19:35

Bin Bob!

dailystuck71 · 09/05/2017 19:37

Please come back OP.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/05/2017 19:39

I would be ringing his wife to see if he is ok because that evening sounded to me like it was winding up to him laying into her and not just verbally. :(

I wouldnt be having him anywhere near me again after that little display.

user1471545174 · 09/05/2017 19:41

Gin is a horribly depressing drink and can really make people act badly.

No excuses for Bob but I'd get him on the wine or something next time, if there is one.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/05/2017 19:42

OP YWBVU to tell your DH that he was not allowed to have a friend of 30years in his home.

RhiWrites · 09/05/2017 19:45

Got to wonder why your partner wants to blame the drink not Bob. His dislike of causing a scene is making him an enabler.

Bob is a Missing Stair.

pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/missing-stair.html?m=1

StealthPolarBear · 09/05/2017 19:46

Yes I'd have no hung to do with Bob again and yes I'd expect dh to come to the same conclusion!
Bob's wife must have been dreading going home :(

faithinthesound · 09/05/2017 19:49

IMO tho you shouldn't have commented on the way he talks to his wife as that's not really someone else's business

If everyone thought that way, then there'd be a whole lot more unchecked domestic abuse in the world. Maybe that's what's happening here, maybe not (probably not) but that "it's not my business" mentality has seen a lot of unnecessary deaths of women who could have done with someone speaking up.

kali110 · 09/05/2017 19:49

Not a chance. He'd have got a drink in his face.
Can't believe your dp wants to still be around him!

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 09/05/2017 19:50

LTB (that's 'Leave The Bob' in case you were wondering)

Whocansay · 09/05/2017 19:52

Your husband isn't about to win any prizes for gallantry is he? He just sat back and said nothing did he? He thinks it's OK for his friend to abuse you his wife and a waitress just because he had a drink? Doesn't say much for his character either.

And Bob is clearly a cunt and I would have nothing more to do with him. I hate people who are rude to waiting staff and this guy was a real bully.

OkPedro · 09/05/2017 19:54

Where did op go?!

nickelbeingnormal · 09/05/2017 19:57

I think Bob's a total cunt too.

muckypup73 · 09/05/2017 20:00

Where is the op??