Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to never have DP's friend of 30 years in our house ever again after this behaviour?

260 replies

JasmineBuckles · 09/05/2017 16:54

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. DP is 15 years older than me, DP's friend is 20 ish years older than me. For the sake of brevity I'll call him Bob.

We have a thing where we alternate going to each other's house for dinner each month, which has previously been fine as although I get the feeling that Bob can be a bit dismissive of my opinions, his wife is really lovely and very funny so we generally have a nice time.

Last time we had them round to ours a day out involving gin was suggested.

On Saturday we went out for our afternoon of gin. It finished around 5pm and we were a bit tipsy, so we thought we'd go for early dinner.

Finding a table for 4 anywhere decent on a Saturday evening in our city is a challenge, so we rang round a few places and finally got a 6pm table somewhere not super posh but nice.

During this process Bob nips to the loo, and is quite put out that he has not had final say on the booking, and declares he is not hungry.

We all say that as we last ate at 10am, we will be starving by 6/6.30 plus we are a bit drunk.

He begrudgingly comes to the restaurant, sits down and immediately complains that it's too dark, the seats are not comfy and the girl who brought our drinks is fat (!).

Starter comes and mine is gorgeous, he gets waitress over to complain that his is not what he ordered as there is an ingredient in it that he wasn't expecting. Waitress is very polite and shows him where it says on the menu that the dish includes this.

Then the mains come. Ours are all gorgeous, but bigger than we were expecting. He stirs his around his plate til it's all mushed up like a toddler, calls the waitress back and tells her he "can't eat that, it's disgusting."

Waitress asks if she can swap it for something else, he just says, "no, just take it away."

The bill comes. He asks his wife for a pen and starts circling the things he's not paying for, including his wife's chips as she hasn't eaten them.

He then calls his wife a fucking hypocrite for saying she liked her dinner she just couldn't finish it.

I say, in a calm way, that he really shouldn't speak to her like that. I found out later from the wife that as I turn away he mouths "stupid fucking bitch" at me.

My DP hates any picking at the bill in restaurants, so offers just to pay for everyone. Bob isn't happy with this either, he wants to have a strop about the food. His wife gets her card out and offers to pay. He won't let her. The waitress is standing there not knowing what to do.

I have an outdoor, low paid job (this is relevant) and by this point I am monumentally pissed off, so I say, still quietly and calmly, "shall I just pay the bill, because I'd rather stand outside in the pissing rain for 14 hours and earn the money than sit here and listen to you for one more minute."

At this point the poor waitress asks what she should do, and he says:

You'll do as you're fucking well told

Waitress goes off crying, the manager comes folllowed by a bouncer, Bob pays the entire bill by himself and flounces off, leaving his wife sat at the table.

DP thinks we should just put it down to drink and keep having them over. WIBU to say no, never again?

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 09/05/2017 17:54

And as for whether his behaviour to his wife was any of your business - he MADE it your business when he was so shitty to her in your company.

Any publicebehavour is the business of anyone and everyone wo witnesses it.

HappyFlappy · 09/05/2017 17:54

*who, not wo

Patchouli666 · 09/05/2017 17:55

Well, if it is a one off, it may be the gin. My nana used to go mad on gin! Even punched her 6'2" hubby (my lovely granddad) she was normally firm but fair and was only 5'0.
If he doesn't have form, I'd give him another chance. Avoiding the gin!

HappyFlappy · 09/05/2017 17:55

*public behaviour, not publicebehaviour

MadMags · 09/05/2017 17:55

You say he's always been a bit dismissive of you.

He treated that waitress like the scum of the earth.

I mean, would I expect dh to end a 30 year friendship over it? Perhaps not. But would u want to count someone like that as a friend? Absolutely no fucking way.

dailystuck71 · 09/05/2017 17:56

Nope, I'd never see him again.

Has he been in touch since?

Leeds2 · 09/05/2017 17:56

If it was the alcohol which made him behave as he did, I would've expected him to have apologised to you and your DH by now.
I would keep very quiet, and wait for him/them to make the first move. I wouldn't be wanting to socialise with him either, and would probably try to see the wife separately.

HappyFlappy · 09/05/2017 17:56

I bet you notice a lot of little snipes and spiteful actions that went under your radar before, if you do continue to socialise with him the smarmy bastard

TheExuberant1 · 09/05/2017 17:57

Sounds like gin is not the drink for him and brings out the worse in him!

SheRasBra · 09/05/2017 17:57

If he'd been pissed and outrageous - propositioning you and the waitress, making filthy jokes, spilling drinks etc. then a shame-faced apology the next day would cut it for me but this type of really nasty behaviour and aggression, no.

Arkhamasylum · 09/05/2017 17:57

And is not the sort of thing that trips out of a normally nice person's mouth, regardless of the gin.

AmserGwin · 09/05/2017 18:02

Has he tried to apologise?

Gabilan · 09/05/2017 18:08

And is not the sort of thing that trips out of a normally nice person's mouth, regardless of the gin

Indeed. Of all the many people I've known get drunk over the years, none of them have moved into being a completely different character. Generally they're just disinhibited versions of themselves.

Bob is a sulky, tantrum throwing misogynistic bellend.

expatinscotland · 09/05/2017 18:09

I would never speak to this person again in my entire life. Your partner's a wet lettuce, too.

kittytom · 09/05/2017 18:11

YANBU. We had a similar friend. We arm's lengthed him and made new friends. Life is too short!

Our ex-friend's wife is lovely too. It is an abusive relationship though. (As this one sounds to be)

Ravenesque · 09/05/2017 18:19

When I was in my twenties and drank a lot, I found that I started to become a really horrible drunk, quite nasty at times, not every time I got drunk (which was basically every night of the week), but at least half the times I got drunk.

The reason I was nasty was because I was massively messed up, hating myself, hating everything, being horrible when drunk to make people hate me and sometimes I succeeded. Anyway, I realised that it had to stop, because much as I hated myself, I hated drunk, nasty me so much that if I carried on I'd probably end up in the gutter or a park bench. These days I don't drink much and haven't been full on drunk for about five years, I've been a bit drunk, but blah. and full on drunk or a bit drunk me, is a soppy idiot these days.

Anyway, the horrible drunk me, was just as much me as any other part of me and I decided to change it. In my twenties. Given that this bloke is 20 years older than you, and you can type and go out for gin, I'm guessing he's a bit older than I was when I realised that I needed to sort my life out. Also, even when I was a horrible belligerent drunk, I was never horrible to waiting staff, bar staff, etc.

Bob is a horrible man baby. And a cunt of the highest order.

TinselTwins · 09/05/2017 18:24

Bob is scary, I would by physically scared of someone who is unashamed at showing that level of mysogyny and agression in public - that will be his better behaviour than what he could be like 1:1

I am worried for Bob's wife

it's not "the drink", it's Bob. Drink won't make you like that unless you have it in you in the first place

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/05/2017 18:25

As a few other people have said:-

Unprompted sincere apology (including flowers for the waitress) then I'd forgive for dh's sake (although not be willing to go to anything involving alcohol again)

No apology / half hearted apology - life is too short to waste my precious spare time with someone so unpleasant.

Justanothernameonthepage · 09/05/2017 18:27

Bob is an idiot. Well done on standing up to him and the way he talked to his wife. Pity your DH wasn't able to stand up for you. I wouldn't be in a rush to see him again. If he apologised to you and the waitress, I probably would at least try a dinner with him. If he didn't, I wouldn't want to spend any time with a person who treated others like that.

Plipplops · 09/05/2017 18:30

If someone called me a fucking bitch that would be enough to never hang out with them again, add in his attitude to everything else and I'd definitely not be friends any more.

But I agree that if you can manage to see the wife that would be really nice?

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 09/05/2017 18:30

Good on you for standing up to him. I'm with the general consensus...Bob is a knob.

You can tell a lot about the way people treat waiting staff and I would want nothing further to do with Bob the knob after this event. However if you can I would probably try and keep in touch with the wife as with such a twat for a husband she is likely to need all the friends she can get. And yes, shame on your DP for not backing you up.

strugglinghuman · 09/05/2017 18:31

When I think of the people I have known for many many years, I can think of worse out of character drunken nonsense than this from nice people. In 30 years you can allow being a dick once but boy there had better be the biggest apology ever. It's difficult to say without knowing you all how repairable the situation is, and we weren't there, but I think YANBU in putting your foot down about such disrespectful behaviour - it's apology time or FO.

Also drunkenness doesn't always reveal somebody's "true self", sometimes the disinhibition just lets the truth of what they think come out, or even just untapped emotions or "ironic thinking" in the form of unhelpful/self destructive behaviours. Feelings of sadness, powerlessness, grief, being cheated on, losing your job, there are all sorts of things that can be the Truth in the vino, it doesn't necessarily mean the man secretly has a core of solid 9 carat wanker.

NellieFiveBellies · 09/05/2017 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

viques · 09/05/2017 18:40

In my experience drink only brings out what is there already, people do not change their behaviour, but they do reveal their flaws and nastiness, which is what Bob has done. his behaviour toward the op and his wife was appalling, towards the waitress it was monumentally unacceptable.

McTufty · 09/05/2017 18:45

If you can't get drunk without behaving like a complete bully then don't get drunk. Alcohol is no excuse.