AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

If family is everything why isn't he considering his?

If it doesn't matter where you are why not London?

He's a selfish man OP as I suspect you know.

As a fellow European, there is NO way that I'd permanently move anywhere in the UK outside London, and certainly not to Dorset or Devon (even though they happen to be my favourite two counties to visit in England). London is one of the most global-thinking, cosmopolitan places in the world and a wonderful place to raise a multi-cultural family. Many of our close friends here are British, but with an outward-looking attitude (often, but not always, with some non-British components).

On the contrary, as beautiful as Devon and Dorset are, and as friendly as the people there generally are, it's still Little England heartland, as highlighted by the Brexit referendum (with Exeter and South Hams the only notable exceptions). There is no way that I'd be able to feel at home there the way I do in London, regardless of the fact that there are of course other Europeans there too. And without career prospects it would be mind-numbing to say the least.

My experience of semi-rural Devon (from friends who moved back there from London and that we regularly visit) definitely echoes PPs view of driving everywhere along country lanes. Yes, our friends are within 15 min drive of a beautiful beach and of a decent town - but at the cost of having to drive their teenagers everywhere, including to school, until they pass their driving test. We live near one of Greater London's amazing parks where we take long Sunday walks and we walk our dog off the lead every day. Our Devon friends have a huge garden, fields even, for their dog to roam in - but it only ever gets walked on the lead, along country lanes with cars zooming past, and as a result isn't socialised with other dogs. Same with horse-riding: our children ride in a large park, theirs have their own ponies but ride on roads, again with cars driving past (usually slowing down, but not always).

Brilliant email MrsDashwood. Thankyou!
As people have said, I'm feeling quite disconcerted about his attitude towards my future, particularly as I don't think it's ever occurred to him that I might have plans to return to work. Even if not now, at some point. He has never asked me in all these years what my plans might be and that in itself is odd enough, come to think about it.

OP - I know it may seem awfully formal to send an email, but I get this feeling that when it comes to how you feel, he's pretty much made up his mind, being a good wife you'd never argue against him would you. I mean he's afforded you all these opportunities you've had, how can you complain when he's the one out grafting. (I'm not being serious about those comments, but he does appear to have a warped view of where your preference comes into anything.)

I don't know what kind of things you enjoy, but an idea could be a family journal, where you keep track of everything you are up to. Everything you do in the day time. Then say he's got a flight somewhere, hand him the journal and say this is why I love it here. This is what we do as a family, this is what I enjoy, this it what we all enjoy.

You can add in Hubby taken boys to this place, get a little print of an OS map and stick it in. So he's included as well.

Maybe I'm being selfish asserting you should put your foot down, but I've lived too long in a marriage where Hubby grew up with the man in charge. So it's pretty much mirrored in his adult life. I don't get asked I get told. Thus it's come to a head and he can live his dream life by himself with hopefully shared custody.

In a way you can look back dreamily to the 1950's when men were the head, the women did as they were told. But also bear in mind, more for him than you, community life was different. You had neighbourhoods and villages where everyone knew each other, you were never really alone.

If you move to the SW you've got to go through it all again, laying down the foundations. You might find that they're not your kind of people at all, that you have very little in common, that there's very little to do that you enjoy. You are important.

I meant to add that our friends have a wonderful life in Devon and it was definitely the right decision for their family to make the move as they have family and background there, both their careers were "portable" and their children blended right in. Totally different for someone just making the decision to come there from "outside" - I really wouldn't do it.

Wonderfulworld - we live in a strong "Remain" area and I love London for so many reasons.

Sorry just driving or would respond more fully. Thankyou!

I have friends with a holiday him in sw- they spend some weekends and big chunks of school holiday there. They've never had a problem with the locals because they are respectful and get involved with life there.

Ultimately, it will be you who will have to make the bonds and settle the family in while he works away. That's a big ask.

YANBU. AT ALL. His attitude is a bit distressing - he sounds a bit too used to you 'trailing'.

He has always said to me "Family is everything and as long as we stick together and stay strong, it doesn't matter where we are"

Eh...if it doesn't matter where you are, why does he want to move?? Clearly it does matter to him, what doesn't matter is your life or opinion.

I think what you're experiencing is actually very very common. It happened in my marriage and happens in marriages up and down the country. Men are so conditioned to see themselves as being the centre of the universe that it doesn't even occur to them that their wives are real people with their own thoughts and wishes. They expect everyone to 'compromise' (ie sacrifice) for them, but they totally balk at the very idea of sacrificing anything themselves.

It nearly ended in divorce for my marriage. Luckily DH got it, eventually, and we're sorted now. I hope the same happens for you.

also, you have followed him about, uprooting schools, friends, countries for years, without complaint, because it was job led.
This is his personal "dream", unfortunately it is not yours.

See - I'd keep any emails to your DH quite short OP. It sounds like that may better suit his attention span...

It's been some time since I've read something that's made me crosser.

It sounds to me like there is also a clash of cultures here and that he comes from a particular set of British culture where what he's asking is pretty normal, if not what his parents and grandparents experienced, what his colleagues may. This may make it both harder and easier to settle.

Are you in the position to start looking for a job now, in fact? Because, this is what I would personally do before I did anything else.

See - I'd keep any emails to your DH quite short OP

Me too. I'd simply say "I've thought about it very carefully and I want to stay in London".

My guess is he will be quite surprised at you not caving in. He will undoubtedly make some arguments but it is enough for you to say "I would like to stay where we are right now so that is what I am doing".

So he will go paragliding all day sometimes, because he has to clear his head. Or he'll insist on taking the boys on some mega hike out of town, even though they have homework.

He really does think the world revolves around him. You'll be stuck in a house in Devon without friends or a job driving your kids everywhere while he spends his weeks in London and his weekends sailing etc.

I actually am getting crosser and crosser at him saying to you that as long as you are together as a family it doesn't matter where you are - completely dismissing what it has meant to your life to trail as a diplomatic spouse.

Completely agree with itsawonderfulworld.

I also have friends who have moved permanently to the South West as a family and they are still seen as outsiders by many locals (they call them DFLs - Down From London).

My mother was a "trailing spouse" (though not diplomatic corps). Getting to a jurisdiction where she had the right to work coincided with a particularly bad period in their marriage (not the first such period, either), and she was finally able to leave him, after nearly 20 years.

YANBU. Rural living is great if you like it, like I do, but not for everyone and you know your own mind well enough to know it isn't for you.

Tell him to buy a holiday home and you can go down for weekends and holidays. Or he can go for weekends and take the boys while you see your friends

He said it was your decision. Excellent. Tell him you are pleased he recognises that this has to be your decision this time. You have made your decision. You have decided to stay in London. Any objections "I've made my decision. Maybe talk about it again next year?"

Maybe you should say, by the way it got me thinking about work and balance of responsibilities at home. I've decided to start putting some feelers out for work in London, obviously that means you will have to be more involved in family life, I am so glad you said that's what you want.

Don't negotiate or debate with a professional diplomat!

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. but short & decisive.
To be fair, this may have been his ideal for years, & now he can see possible time to enjoy his life... & may feel he is entitled to de stress.
which is all well & good, as long as everyone enjoys theirs.

The reason why it strikes a chord, is that I am guessing your DH is of a certain class of men that are very well educated, well schooled and sound completely charming, reasonable and intelligent. aka they don't come across as thuggish brutes!

all this self confidence and education, and entitlement can be quite intimidating to argue with or go up against. but he is wrong

what working Mum would fuck off most weekends doing their hobby sans kids!

I see it with a friend of mine, its hard to explain but she gets dragged into his hellishly social upper class bohemian life, and its so hard to say NO

I agree that you need to be very definite and brief about telling him you want to stay in London. He sounds like the bullying type who is charming on the surface but will twist every argument to get what he wants. Make it clear that you will not change your mind about this.

He sounds like he is used to getting his own way, as others have said, and I think he will be surprised if you take a contrary view. That doesn't mean you shouldn't!
The thing which would annoy me most is him trying to get the DC onside with a move before you have agreed to it. That really is an unpleasant thing to do. And I am stubborn enough for that alone to make me dig my heels in and remain in London.
I would also be upset about his casual assumption that the boys will board and that you/they will agree enthusiastically with this. I am not anti boarding (my DD boarded, but for sixth form only) but that is a very important decision that the child and both parents should buy into before assumptions like that are made.

Is one issue affecting his thinking that in some circumstances his employer won't continue to subsidise the cost of private school fees?

Thankyou for all these responses. Yes it's very difficult to argue with him because he never gets aggravated and he's always very measured, if that makes sense. I get worked up thinking about it actually. Sometimes what he does is he basically says nothing and just lets me go off at him while he just kind of stares at me and then when I get emotional, he's the one who calms me down and looks like the caring, reasonable person. He has a way of presenting his opinions as facts as well and sometimes I feel like I'm up against a wall. I don't know how conscious of this he is or if it's the way I respond that exacerbates things. He doesn't ever get angry with me which is good in a way, but it's hard to deal with people when they don't react. Plus he is very charming and kind most of the time so I feel like I'm being aggressive and provocative if I challenge him or push him on things.

He's not worried about the school fees. I've told him they're not going to board, even for the week. He says I don't understand boys properly. Well if I don't understand my own children, who does? Who has been with them day in day out?

I know the fucking type OP

that's why these fuckers rule the world, they get very good training

so write him a letter then, that's the only way to get your message across and make sure he reads it when you are not around either