AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

Could you compromise on a holiday cottage?

I personally could not move out of London and stay sane!! Remind him you are not just a wife and mother.

Sounds like he needs to do more parenting rather than just trying to be fun dad

I strongly recommend, if you can afford it, renting a property for 6 months, with part of it falling over the winter, and spending as much time there as you can in that period (i.e. not just weekends but all school hols etc).

I think this is really good advice

I think it's terrible advice.
6 months will seem like an extended holiday to this guy and the boys. He will fill it with activities and fun ousuirs. He and the children will love it. And then what? The OP doesn't went to move. Doing this suggestion is just going to give him leverage.

What's in it for you ? Bugger all, that's what.

And I say that as someone who would personally hate to live in London.

YADNBU.
How about a static caravan in Dorset if a holiday home is too steep?
If his focus were on being on the coast, he'd be offering you e.g. Brighton as an option. He's only thinking of himself.
If you want to work, tell him, don't ask him, taht you want to have a job by [dealine that makes sense considering your workload in the home]. Then just start applying.

There are lakes in London for sailing and climbing clubs.

Whereabouts in Devon is he thinking about? North Coast not that good for learning - Appledore's tides make life difficult for novices, as does South Coast Devon such as Budleigh Salterton and Teignmouth. Dartmouth, Salcombe are good but housing, if available, is horrendously expensive. Plymouth Sound is good as well. Bringing up kids in Plymouth is like bringing them up in any City in the land.

Rail travel from the West is expensive.

One of our families lives in small Devon village. We looked after three grandsons at their house for a week whilst Mum and Dad had a break. In one week I drove 250 miles (school runs, football etc.) and no journey was longer than twenty minutes.

There are no shops, anything you want needs a car.

As does getting to a doctor, hospital, dentist etc.

Make sure you choose somewhere that doesn't flood.

How nice to have a boat and ties to Devon/Dorset coast. I'm sure your boys will grow up with lovely memories of summer holidays down there. Remember your opinion is just as valid as his, and you would not be keeping him somewhere but making a decision together for the good of the family, including you. Imo the priority is surely your return to work, and stability for your sons.

he needs to realise that your presence and accommodation of his lifestyle have enabled him to live this life of moving around, having kids etc.

If you divorced him he'd have the kids half the time and need to sort his own bloody laundry out. He's treating you like an unpaid staff member. You're important in your own right. These big decisions need to accommodate everyone- sometimes you have moved places you've hated , where's the payback for you? Where's the recognition that you're an important part of the family? Where's the recognition that you're all a unit?

All I'm seeing is that the kids are an inconvenience to be packed off boarding so he can have a nice house, the job he wants, still pop up to London for funsies and bugger around on his boat.

I'm afraid I'd be a little more than pissed off. It's not easy moving countries all the time - I've done it a couple of times and it takes its toll.

He's treating you like the housekeep and nanny, not an equal member of the team. Is he always such an inconsiderate bastard?

Haven't read all the replies.. Remind him who he married and that being a Mum to children at boarding school is not who you were or have any desire to become.

Yes, the diplomatic service is full of trailing spouses but there are compromises that can be made so that wives can continue their careers too.

This is the stuff of Jilly Cooper novels, kids at boarding school, male partner at his club week nights in London and wife flower arranging and shagging the hunky gardener. It is definetly not real life.

If he is stressed (work?) he needs to find ways to address that: uprooting everyone is not the only option!

If you lived in the south west, what would be his plan for work for the foreign office? Commute to London part time, work abroad while you all remained there? Leave the DC in school and you move with him? None of those would work for me.

Sounds like he doesn't wish you to WoH, unless you also carry on covering the domestics and parenting as you do now. In his mind things work well with you AH and being a trailling spouse, whereas you want to change "the deal".

What sealed it for me was realizing that until DS passed his driving his test and had a car of his own, there was virtually nothing for him as an older child/teen that he could get to without us giving him a lift.

We live in a small city now. There is a bus stop at the end of the road and in a few years DS will be taking himself off to friends' houses, cinemas, whatever. And the biggest indoor climbing facility in Europe.

He has always said to me "Family is everything and as long as we stick together and stay strong, it doesn't matter where we are". Well, I'm sorry, it does matter actually, especially as the boys are getting older.
He says if we're going we should go now before DS1 gets into his CE, but I just don't need any of this.

We could buy a holiday home yes, but he says the locals hate London families doing that as it destroys communities. Also, I like to feel like we can go to more varied places, rather than feeling obliged to go there. We have a place in my country already and we don't get there much as it is.

In general DH does a very good job of saying the right thing. He can be super charming and persuasive, but at times like this I just question his whole attitude.

It's not even the relocation that's the issue is it? It's what he's revealed about his attitude to you, your life and your role when he's talked about the relocation. I think he's showed you how much he values you and that's not very much at all.

YANBU. You have every right to dig your heels in after years of following him around the world.

The children can sail every weekend within the M25. Loads of reservoirs and the river (check RYA for places near you). As pp said Lymington not that far either or Bosham / Chichester / West Wittering less than 90 mins from London.

There's a big difference in the way children live their lives in a city vs the country. As the kids get older in the city, they become more independent much more quickly, take public transport, make their own plans. In the country, mothers (and sometimes fathers) still spend the teenage years as nothing more than a taxi service, doing exactly what you say - driving up and down country roads in all weathers.

Also, no-one seems to have mentioned that there are three dcs here who have been moved around for years and now have the chance to settle. Presumably they wouldn't be too happy about being uprooted.

And, it seems, perhaps you could afford a second property. Would that be an option?

Sorry, x-post, you answered the second home question.

Well of course he is good at saying the right thing, that's his job, so that shouldn't surprise you. Dig your heels in and stay where you are. I've been there, done that, moved for his job, not been happy at all with the situation and am still in it!

If it doesn't matter where you are then why is he pushing to leave London?

Surely the thing that matters is you all being together rather than fulfilling a wish to be on the coast where the DC apparently will be weekly boarders and he will be AWOL half the time.

Sounds like his plan is about anything other than all being together.

Point out that the locals will nit want a flash git among them and wish him well in his new home

Seriously Devon is beautiful but if you want to be in London it will become a prison in the arse end of nowhere, I speak us someone who came home from years of exile growing up on the south coast I will never leave London again.

YANBU. Stay in London for all the obvious reasons. He can go and be with his lovely boat in yachty-land.

He has always said to me "Family is everything and as long as we stick together and stay strong, it doesn't matter where we are".

Does he also say "Family is everything and as long as we stick together and stay strong, my career doesn't matter"? I doubt it. That family is everything schtick is just for you to suck up the bad bits - not him.

And like you said, of course it matters where you are. Stick to London OP. And don't get sucked into 6 month rentals or trying it out or trying it for a summer and seeing how it goes. that will just be the thin end of the wedge

It's OK to think differently, OP.

You grew up near a beach, you've been there done that and don't want to repeat it. Where did your DH grow up - what sort of setting, urban or rural? Is he trying to recreate a childhood he had, or give his children the childhood he wishes he had?

If I were you, I'd stay in London. You should have the deciding vote - you are the one at home more, if he travels internationally a lot, and thus all the children's wellbeing and social life falls primarily to you. So you need to be happy and fulfilled where you live, with a good social network.

In addition, your DH is already in the fortunate position of being able to afford a boat somewhere already, plus a home in London, plus a holiday house abroad. This means you have the means available to you to at least live some of the dream - your DH can go off for weekends every summer with the boys if he wishes, he can afford to have a toe in both worlds.

London is a great place to bring up children. As, no doubt, Devon and Dorset are. But they are very different, and if you actively would not enjoy the sort of lifestyle moving to a smaller more rural place would give you, then you shouldn't go.

He puts pressure on the family in subtle ways because at weekends he has a strong preference to be "out". The boys do enough sports as it is, but he seems to think that his activities should not be affected. So he will go paragliding all day sometimes, because he has to clear his head. Or he'll insist on taking the boys on some mega hike out of town, even though they have homework. It's this kind of thing all the time. He doesn't stop to think that other things need doing.

If family is everything, then he should be willing to consider and give equal weight to the needs and wishes of his fellow family members, especially you as his partner.

No need to buy a holiday place, plenty of fun to be had for much less money and commitment by renting places for the weekend, if it's the hobbies etc that are really an issue.

If he's in such a hurry, what are his plans for the next 10 years of DCs' education and your working life?

It sounds like he has a very warped view on reality, possibly because you have dedicated so long to travelling with him. You're the dutiful wife and your job is essentially to nod your head and smile at his every command.

You have differing views about the children's education for a start. This needs addressing. Or when they turn 13 will you be happier if they boarded?

You have a house in the country and you very rarely visit, I'm guessing due to commitments etc. Do you rent that out to get extra income?

As a compromise I'm guessing you're not all that far from Southend. There must be somewhere within driving distance he can do his sailing. I'm sure in the Olympics they had a lovely sailing place, where the water looked fresh etc.

You need to possibly write an email, not the best form of communication, but you could put it a bit like:

Dear Hubby,

I don't think you've noticed, but the discussions this last weekend have left me feeling pretty unhappy. I have travelled around with you, helping our children settle into a new routine each time, we've just settled here and you wish to move again.

I really love where we are at the moment, I've looked into it, you can do the exact same activities here, without uprooting to Devon or Dorset. My problem is, you mention DC going to boarding school in the week, so I'll essentially be home alone. Such communities are very insular, people being born and bred, with those who move from London being viewed from a comedy perspective, especially those who decide to bring animals into the equation, it's like a full time job in itself. You'll be working, the boys will be at school, I'll be lumped with all the not so glamorous jobs.

I really enjoy life in London, I have friends here, there's so much to do, so many opportunities. The DC are in a fantastic school. If I'm honest I really am happy with how things are, I'm not all that happy that you want to up and move again. I really want some stability, I really want to settle down and make somewhere home. We have the holiday home we rarely visit. I worry that as soon as you get bored of the country life, it'll be something else.

I was just starting to relax now everything has fallen into place, I was considering working. I don't think that many opportunities will be afforded me SW as there would here.

As I said there are many places you can go sailing round here, if you fancy selling the other getaway place and finding one in Devon or Dorset, maybe you can take the DC of a weekend, I can come depending what I have planned. I don't really care how the locals will view us, we lived in a country where security was needed to leave the house, do you honestly think I'm the least bit fussed how others think that we have a second home in the SW. It also affords us to maybe let friends go and stay should they want a break.

I honestly hope you can see where I'm coming from. I know you work very hard and have worked very hard for the family. It just seems like you consider it about what you've done and not the impact it's had on me or the DC.

Maybe in the future we can look to retiring in the SW if that would be a compromise. Right now I really am happy with where we are. I really hope to stay here, look for a job, continue building on the foundations I've laid. If SW is really important to you then a weekend get away could be an option. I honestly don't buy that you're overly bothered what people think, you'll be out sailing and exploring. I don't think they'd be at the front gate with pitchforks ablaze because we choose to spend our weeks in London.

Now I've said what I think, you can consider it and get back to me. Over suggestions that I'll have plenty to do with the upkeep of a place, whilst DC are boarding and you are away. Do you have any idea how isolating that sounds.