AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

Civil service / public sector employers won't allow the kind of work you describe to be done full time from home IMO, he'd probably have to be in London at least 3 days a week.

The kids will have a much healthier lifestyle out of London with pollution levels as they are and surely you can make friends anywhere?

super, the lower pollution may be mitigated by the kids having to be driven everywhere instead of walking/public transport.

As for surely you can make friends anywhere, have you read and understood the whole thread? Not that friend networks aren't important, but this issue is rather more complex than that.

Surely the DH can make friends anywhere too?

i moved out into the sticks thinking it woud be idyllic and whilst it is nice as I'm a country girl and I'm not really into London it isn't idyllic.
In winter it can be very isolated, jobs for you would be very scarce unless you work in the NHS.
It's harder to make friends, shops are limited, museums and entertainment are hard to find.
Your husband needs to look at the reality rather than the imagined dream.
Would he perhaps think about having a holiday home there for a while rather than taking the plunge straight away.
Summer here is great but winter is awful and after a few years you start taking it for granted. I live a mile from the sea and haver been there twice this year, becasue its the sea and I've seen it before!

Thankyou. We live within walking distance of the Thames and it doesn't feel hectic at all to me. It feels quite "villagey" in a way and I think there's lots of areas in London like this. I want the boys to gain the kind of independence that comes from growing up and learning to negotiate a world city, not in the bubble of some school campus.

The whole school system here has been a steep learning curve for me to say the least because I had no idea. In the school the boys currently attend, at least half will board somewhere at 13. I think that's a very high proportion. When we went for a meeting with the head about future options for the eldest DS, he asked if we were considering boarding- to which I replied a firm no. In spite of this, DH and him ended up talking about a particular school anyway which, surprise surprise, is the one they both boarded at It's all very insidious. I know a few mums who were dead set against the idea, who are now saying things like, "Oh it's only Mon-Sat. It's worth it for the facilities". It's individual choice at the end of the day, but I'm determined not to get pushed down that route. DS2 would probably be the type to go and not be phased in the least tbh, because he's very matter-of-fact like DH. I just think there is no need.

Thankyou for the "negotiating" tips. It is very difficult and over the years, I've tended not to bother trying to change his mind, but I kind of go round him instead. I just do what I need to do with the boys regardless, and see if he notices. He is difficult, though most people would have no idea if they met him because he is very friendly and engaging in general. He is never rude and it's hard to work out why I'm stressed with him sometimes. This thread has been so helpful. Thankyou.

I think these things have to be mutually agreeable to both parties. One of you will have to compromise. My reading of it is that he is giving you a veto, am I right? So as long as he means that, he wasn't wrong to ask you consider it (even if I think he has an overly rosy view of the whole idea). Although he shouldn't have mentioned it to the children yet.

I understand when you say you have moved around with him due to work- so multiple moves solely because of his job. But that was a choice you made as you wanted to be with him. You could have decided that you no longer wanted to do that and had a home base where he came back to when able or (perhaps more likely) ended the relationship. You didn't and decided to marry and then start a family with him. None of this was enforced- it was a choice you made both as an individual and as a couple. I don't think that I agree that he "owes" you because you moved around a lot.

However, he certainly is being unfair with regards to this proposed move because he is still intending to be away from home a lot (working in London, working away) while you would have to be at this new rural location full time. If that genuinely is what he wants to do/has to do, then I think you would be within your rights to point out that as the one who will be at home with the DC most, your needs have to be considered most closely. So if you are dead against it, then he needs to either alter his work plans (or find a new job) if he wants you to reconsider the move. For me, that is the nub of this problem- he wants you to move to his rural idyll whilst also continuing to be away a lot, with him coming back for the fun bits. I think the moving around a lot previously because of his work is a bit of a red herring as I feel this was also a choice you made and he doesn't "owe you" because you chose that life too.

Don't JADE - justify, apologise defend or explain.
It's up to you so the answer is no. No you're not moving. Not you're not going to uproot the kids and send them to board. Just no.

Honestly op absolutely nothing you're mentioning about your husband is giving him any redeeming features at all. I've known plenty of men like this - they are well educated and charming but at heart they care only about themselves. You are there to provide offspring and keep the home fires burning. There's not a whiff of concern or love for you in his opinions. It's all about him, the master of the universe.
Frankly, sod that. Stay in London, get yourself a job.

Oh and if you ever do divorce him get your ducks in a row and present it as a fait accompli - men like that get nasty when thwarted.

You are right, you have always followed willingly. Why would you stop now ?
He is envisaging doing the commuting shlep 3 days in London, & 4 days on his boat in the SW. ... He probably will sail year round. He probably does envisage sailing, climbing, surfing etc with the boys at w/e when they are home for boarding school, (which he loved & thinks is a good thing)
However, as PP have said, this is not taking into consideration You as an individual, & not just wife/mother/part of the scenery.
What becomes of your life Mon to Sat, (Sunday will be laundry, while the boys are off with Daddy.)
He is going to have to realise that You are digging your heels in this time, & it may well be a big shock

YANBU. He sounds selfish.

Fundamentally he's saying that he wants you not to be in London. You are to be out in the country keeping his country house for him. In the meantime, he'll continue to spend time in London, just not with the inconvenience of a wife and kids. Selfish is indeed the word.

However, no point arguing about what he's up to, even when it's as plain as the nose on his face. But it is worth thinking about his selfishness when you're doing the broken record routine.

GAWD op, I am pleased you started this thread as you could almost have sleepwalked into moving away and having your DC board

I know this might sound like inverse snobbery (and I have another friend who suffers from it, but different issues) but I do find it how scary this type of man is, as they are just tsunami like in how they get their own way.

I think I know where you are based, and I know the type

and this Oh and if you ever do divorce him get your ducks in a row and present it as a fait accompli - men like that get nasty when thwarted, is very sadly true - hope it doesn't come to that

It's very confusing because when he's at home he can be lovely and he helps out with some things. He'll make spaghetti for the boys, that kind of stuff. He can be so thoughtful, like when I came home after knee surgery, he'd decorated the whole living room with flowers and put blankets and chocolates on the sofa. At times like that, he's amazing. He loves being outdoors and I know that, but I've never stopped him doing anything. He's going mountaineering quite soon I think and I'm happy for him. I just want a "normal" life - not him in London half the week. It's not that I'm worried he'd be up to anything. I do trust him. I just don't see the need to live like that at all. I hope he can see that he's got quite a good deal here as it is and in terms of his hobbies, I'm fine for him to do whatever he likes.

He'll make spaghetti for the boys, that kind of stuff.

That flowers and blankets in the room shizzle is nice but what about the other 99% of the time??

YADNBU. London and it's surrounds will offer your boys a uniquely exciting, vibrant upbringing. There are also literally thousands of outdoor activities. Why does he not just go spend say 3 nights per week on his boat every week, work from there? Better than uprooting the whole family. Again.

And out of interest do you yourself have non-family time? Hobbies? Especially important if you don't work outside the home.

Sapphire, a few car journeys in the country side hardly equates to the illegal levels of air pollution in london. And as for making friends, I have friends who are non English and have moved away from London to the country side and they love it!

Yes flowers, blankets and chocolates sound nice as long as that also meant he took care of all the child care, home work, cleaning, washing, cooking whilst you were recovering.

You never stopped him doing anything, does the same courtesy extend to you?

Your DH's views about boarding school discussion reminds me of the Bridget Jones film:

'the Darcy men have been going to Eton for five generations'

'well my son's not going to be sent away from home, especially to some fascist institution where they stick a poker up your arse that you're never allowed to remove again'

super, sure, some people would love it. However, horses for courses and the OP is pretty clear that she wouldn't.

As for 'a few car journeys in the country side', it isn't, is it? It would be, as described by the OP and posters who live/have lived rurally, a case of the kids having to be driven EVERYWHERE until they could drive themselves. Sitting in cars constantly rather than walking to places or to and from bus stops etc isn't very healthy.

Posters have also talked about the experience of living in the country and having to walk/cycle/ride along roads with cars roaring past all the time. Hardly avoiding pollution.

Sapphire Yes I know - that was just me trying to put a positive spin on things

I do get my own time in the sense that I do a gym class most weekdays and I'm also doing a language course. I don't take myself off at weekends or evenings really, but I don't mind him doing that because that's when he'd needs to do it. I don't really need him to do much round the house tbh and I'm not bothered about that. It's more that I feel he makes me doubt my own mind sometimes and this needs to stop. I know what I need to do and I hope I can follow through with it.

I love London because you can just walk out if your door and there's every type of food from all over the world right there. In Italy there is nowhere near the variation. I like that people don't bother you, but it's very friendly nevertheless. I like the British sense of humour and I admire the sense of fairness. Nowhere is perfect, but when you've lived in the sticks you appreciate the open-mindedness of this kind of city. I felt at home straight away here.

Me too, OP! I'm British, although not a born Londoner, but GOD I love it here for all those reasons let's see what Brexit does to it though

I think I would go for a breezy "I've thought about it and I think staying where we are is definitely the right choice for me and the boys right now."
Meet any arguments with a puzzled look and "but I don't understand, I thought you said as long as we are together as a family, it doesn't matter where we are? The boys are happy here and so am I, that's the important thing, isn't it?"

When you're debating with someone who does the "let you get worked up and explode so they can take the high ground" approach, the important thing is to give them very little to not respond to. Don't get emotional because you feel you're not being listened to, give him statements instead of trying to argue a point. If you let there be a lot of silence, you may find that its HIM getting worked up trying to fill that silence rather than you.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for all the brilliant advice on here. Thankyou!