AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

[canoso77]

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

Your DH is selfish.

Say no and repeat until he accepts it. He certainly appears to be a very selfish individual.

Yes I wouldn't want my kids stuck in boarding school while I was isolated in a rural house. Your DH having chill days or away.

However I totally understand where he's coming from because with the right set up, you could provide an amazing swallows and amazons childhood. Lots of countryside and sea to explore. And you can choose to integrate into your local community. The trick is finding the right place, the right fit.

However your feelings are just as important as his. You've followed him from placement to placement for years. You're within your rights to put your foot down.

Why not suggest weekends and holidays in his ideal areas.

You aren't caging him anywhere. If he said that kind of thing to me I would suggest he wasn't worried about 'caging' me for 10 years and we can discuss it again in 18.75 years or of course if you didn't mean any of that family is everything , it doesn't matter where you are then you can leave. It matters to me and my children. Seriously op I can't get over the patronising. I'd be looking up jobs and meeting a careers coach just to make a point. Also schedule this meeting sometime when he would have to look after the boys.

*19 years! Not 10

OP - it's kind of worrying you say that 'he lets me go off at him, I get emotional, then he calms me down.' My experience of childhood was a variation on this, I would sit and listen to the ranting, get inconsolable, then it'd be all, I'm only doing this because I love you, if I didn't love you and didn't care that would be worse. So alarm bells are slightly ringing. It's almost like he thinks, let her have her moment, I won't say a thing which will wind her up more, she'll cry, then I'll hug her better and make her realise she's the one being irrational.

I wouldn't want either DC boarding either, they're only children for a short space of time, you want to embrace that, before you're pretty much an addendum to their lives.

I totally understand the boys feeling like Daddy has made a fantastic decision, how can we possibly say no. Like they're bullied into the idea he makes these big sacrifices for us, we should be grateful.

I don't see that he has an argument for, you've trapped me in a city when I'm a country person. How did you come about moving to London. He can still do his hobbies, you're not stopping him doing anything.

And another thing ... I would be very very cross if my husband started announcing things to my children getting them on board about a move without me having agreed to it. It is certainly an effective negotiating tactic if you just want your own way but not a nice thing to do and not a way things should be done in a family. He really does think he has only to say the word and it becomes reality with you trotting after him.

On reading your subsequent posts, I think you should get a job and make enough money to buy a country house support him taking on the nightmarish and obviously much harder task of being a SAHP somewhere idyllic. Why should he have all the fun.

It sounds like you'd probably be happier that way around.

YANBU I love London as well. I was an expat for most of my life and speak seven languages. I love being able to find everything and anything in London and it is very easy to get around. There is also plenty to do. I wouldn't want to move either.

Don't.go.at.all!

What an arsehole!

He's using his diplomatic training to make you feel irrational.

You've moved a lot! No one is caging him and he needs to think about you and his children. They're settled now and it's not easy for some kids to settle.

If he's in London most of the week he won't be living the dream that'll be left with you. Living his dream. He will probably then decide he wants to live elsewhere.

Struggling - OP said that she's European, she's does the whole isolated beach thing. If they move to the country DH has plans to send DC to boarding school, he said but you'll have a nice big house to look after, like she's some glorified maid. She's just got the boys settled in London, now hubby wants to move again. But he'll be away at work, OP will be stranded in a possible insular village/town, that don't take kindly to new people. Especially those from the City who fancy playing at the country ideal.

Being European, OP feels at home in London, with its mixed diversity. She can consider working and doing hobbies. The current school is amazing. She doesn't want to be left out in a rural potentially insular place.

OP - has DH been watching too many Grand Designs, where the wife loves being PM, renovating somewhere? Can you afford a holiday home in the SW and a London pad?

Maybe a compromise is you have both, then come the summer / other holidays when the boys are off, you spend the odd week away. Another option is the Scilly Isles, for your get away bolt hole.

I am currently a "trailing spouse" very far away from home. It's hard and something your Husband will never understand unless he has been in your shoes.

You have already made huge sacrifices for your family so to my mind you are allowed to take your life a little more into focus now. If you are happy and the kids are happy and in a good school then what's the rush? Give yourself some breathing space to just enjoy where you are now.

Can't you go and spend weekends/hols down where your husbands boat is?

Sounds like there has been a lot of upheaval for everyone, just let everyone settle for a while. Stand your ground OP, I made the mistake of being talked into moving out of London before we moved abroad and I regretted it hugely.

Ah yes. I know the charming, well educated British man with superb negotiating skills OP. I married one

He's long since realised that his charming, well-reasoned arguments get absolutely nowhere with his wife as I refuse to engage, react or back down, ever. He's given up now and subsequently talks to me like a normal adult and not some smarmy diplomat from a mildly hostile country

I love the coast, but no way would I leave cosmopolitan London for full time living in a small village. Good luck, we are all pretty much on your side here!

Yanbu. Your happiness matters too! The importance of good local friends should not be underestimated when you have small children.

"Caging him": dramatic eh!

His job is in London, with options (and pressur?) to live overseas. Seems v unlikely to be that his employer will be fine with him homeworking for the next 20 years. So he's talking bollocks about work life balance etc IMO. He might have plans he's not sharing.

Buying another holiday home would just be pandering to his unreasonableness and a big financial commitment: if he truly just wants time in the country/activities, he can easily arrange that.

Also, agree with MissEDashwood about slight alarm bells.

And it's not on to announce stuff like this to the children before you'be agreed it as a couple!

Honeybee is right. He's basically blackmailing you and making you into the 'baddie' and killjoy if you stand your ground. That is really not on. If my DH tried a trick like this I'd be livid (and ditto if I tried it with him he'd be justifiably very upset.)

And watch out for him selling the 'joys' of weekly boarding to them. You need to get him to understand how upsetting and confusing it could be to the children if you are not presenting a united message. Which means something you both agree about. Not his message!

(Hopefully he doesn't want to have to say to the kids 'mummy thinks I'm wrong but she's not entitled to an opinion so we can ignore her'. If he does think that's ok, you have a much bigger problem of course....)

Yes, you need to make clear to him that discussing these matters with the DC is not on. If he continues, that's unacceptable and would be a "deal breaker" for many.

I got that dashwood. I do think it's being forgotten that laying on a house in the country and the means to basically retire in it is not necessarily selfish, it is an unattainable dream for a lot of people and takes work to provide - including perhaps having to be in an environment you find utterly soul destroying and want to get out of/get your kids out of for years. So it isn't necessarily the act of a total bastard to be suggesting it - and honestly it does sound like they might be happier if they swapped. He and his kids could do what his soul is yearning for and OP could do what her is too. If it's practical.

Thankyou so much for all the perspectives. I have a lot to think about really. We are UK based now for the forseeable future because he's involved in policy consultation and writing papers on certain issues. We came back because DS1 is nearing senior school age and needs stability. I would not consider leaving any of them in a boarding school here and going elsewhere with DH. He knows I don't want to go back to the ME and he does accept this.
Whenever I've mentioned going back to work I feel like he doesn't take me seriously and it's hard enough anyway when I've been out of employment for over a decade. I need to take a step back and figure out what I want for myself because for so long the whole context has been driven by him and obviously the boys too.
Thankyou so much again!

Beyond an expensively polished surface gloss, your DH sounds insufferable.

Don't debate with him, he'll be better at it than you. However, he doesn't have the power of mind control so what you should do is keep very clear in your mind a short list of basic facts:

1. I do not want to leave London.
2. Making me leave London when I don't want to will harm the family.
3. My plan is to start organising getting back into work in 2018 and I have decided this will be in London.
4. You're now trying to browbeat me, stop it.

The fundamental thing is that you're not trying to persuade him. No matter what you might say, he will always be able to persuade himself you're wrong. Stick to the simple fact that you're now done with all your trailing and you'll be staying in London.

Even if it takes writing your list into your mobile and whenever he tries to drag you into a debate reading from your list like a parrot would be better than trying to persuade him.

One of the most difficult things for me is the lack of training courses and jobs here. In London there is a massive choice. Here, there's one college, which doesn't offer very much in the way of courses. They're frequently cancelled due to lack of numbers. And the teaching can be dire. I'm very restricted in what I can do.

I'm currently looking for a job. By that I mean I'm not working, waiting for one I can possibly do, to come up. I expect to be waiting around 3 months to find one I could do. Even then I might not get it. And have to wait another 3 months to apply for another. It's a totally different situation outside cities. You have to compromise a lot with training/jobs here.

If that is a priority for you, I would at least check what is available in that sense.

The bottom line is that your husband sees you and your children as props for the stage show of his life. He doesn't even recognise that you are actual real people with your own needs, feelings and ambitions. He wants to go on the next stage of his own grand tour, and he doesn't expect his props to argue about it.

When he's needed to move for work, you've followed- the children have settled in new schools , you've made a new home, but you all had to do it.

Now he expects you all to be uprooted, the children to move schools again, you to be tied to the kitchen sink - just to make his hobbies more convenient? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Maybe he will feel caged and blame you, if you stay but you will definitely feel caged and blame him if you move. Why should his feelings of resentment trump yours?

YY to just getting on with figuring out what you want for your life, irrespective of them. I highly recommend using a life coach. There are some great ones in London.

Could you delay the conversation until you've had 2-3 months thinking time? Don't say no yet, just delay the decision, kick the can down the road, while you get your own goals sorted (he doesn't have to know that's what you are doing).