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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH I am not moving out of London?

436 replies

canoso77 · 08/05/2017 10:03

I am very upset with DH's attitude and I actually can't believe it. We've been married 12 years and have 3 young sons. For the duration of this I have been a "trailing spouse" because he's been involved in the diplomatic service. We've lived in some restrictive places and it's not always been easy with young children.
We returned to London 18 months ago and by a fluke chance, managed to get the boys into a great school where they can remain until 13. I love being back in London and have made lots of friends via the school. I'm European and feel comfortable in this area. Generally it's a wider range of people than when we were abroad and I'm enjoying that.
DH is now in a different role which will still involve travel but he doesn't need to physically be in an office most days.
Now he has announced that he wants to move somewhere nearer to his boat and where he feels the boys can have more space and we can "chill" as s family more. In other words, Devon or Dorset! I told him that I'm happy where we are now. I don't want to uproot the boys again. I know Devon isn't the middle of nowhere, but it might as well be as I know nobody there. Also, if I was thinking about returning to work in the future, this move is drastically limiting my options. He said he's sure I'll make a go if it down there and I'll be busy anyway with a larger house to run, plus the boys and there will be no time to be bored!
What annoys me most, is that he was making promises to the boys about going sailing or rock climbing every weekend and this kind of thing - making it sound like one long holiday.
The way he has left it now is that it's up to me, "of course", but could I please give it serious consideration? Well I don't need to think about it, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm keeping him here when he'd rather have a different lifestyle elsewhere. Sorry if this is all garbled. AIBU to say I'm not moving for the forseeable future?

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 08/05/2017 19:25

better for family life

What family life would that be with OP in the house by herself whilst the boys are boarding and the husband is away in London or abroad.

Atenco · 08/05/2017 19:38

It sounds like he is using his diplomatic training to "win" arguments with you. Whereas a marriage should not be conducted like international relations and discussing problems and making decisions that affect the entire family should not be about "winning".

Original poster
canoso77 · 08/05/2017 20:04

I actually think he believes I should be delighted at the prospect of a bigger house, or something like that. What more could I want? Hmm He also thinks I should be delighted that he can now work more flexibly and embrace it with him. He tells me how much he loves me, but I'm not sure he has any concept of me possibly wanting anything different to what he has decided I want.
He can't force me to move, but what I'm worried about is that as the years go by he'll make make me feel responsible for "caging" him in London. Maybe he'll feel differently if DS1 gets a great senior school offer? I don't know. I want him to feel settled and happy just to be with us.

OP posts:
Blinkyblink · 08/05/2017 20:14

You've married a "grass is always greener on the other side" kind of guy.

So you either accept that and allow him to continue to uproot you all (not saying necessarily a bad thing, some families thrive on that) OR you put your foot down and yes, you run the risk of him blaming any future stress or problem on fact that he wasn't allows to move to Devor OR you leave him.

It really is that simply. Awful but simple.

RoboticSealpup · 08/05/2017 20:25

YANBU. I know people go on about how 'cosmopolitan' other UK cities and towns are but in my experience, London is the only place you feel like you don't have to justify your presence as a European. Especially these days. I've lived in Hampshire, Dorset, Hertfordshire and London. It's so hard to make friends outside London as a foreigner. People accept you, but you're very much expected to assimilate.

Secondly, the weather is not nearly good enough to justify moving somewhere with beautiful nature and potential for outdoor activities. You can only do stuff outdoors for about three months of the year anyway.

Spoog1971xx · 08/05/2017 20:25

YANBU. You are European and he wants to move you to brexit land? Sod that. It's not safe to leave the M25 these days

strawberrypenguin · 08/05/2017 20:30

The more I read OP the more it comes across that's it's all about what your husband wants and that he hasn't actually stopped to consider your (or your boys) feelings at all.
I think you should write down how you feel and give it to him because he can't interrupt you then. You sound happy where you are and after moving so much for him he should be pleased with that not trying to force you into another move you don't want just so he can do his hobbies more.

PoochSmooch · 08/05/2017 20:31

YANBU. A lot of what you've written resonates with me - I'm another trailing spouse who would dearly love to be the one towing the trailer for a change...it's not happening for me, though. Good luck with getting your message across - don't let yourself get talked out of what you want.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/05/2017 20:32

It's so hard to make friends outside London as a foreigner. People accept you, but you're very much expected to assimilate.

Seriously? There are many other cities were you can.

Sod that. It's not safe to leave the M25 these days

Absolute rubbish.

Dozer · 08/05/2017 20:36

But HOW would he work more flexibly? He is a civil servant for the foreign office in London!

KarmaNoMore · 08/05/2017 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 08/05/2017 20:48

That's a good point about Brexit/Leave.

We (British/European) feel better in the cities. In the very nice pretty towns/villages that all voted Leave, not so much, walking past the UKIP posters, being avoided at the school gate where we used to live. It is hard work being foreign in some part of the UK, possibly more so now, but always quite hard work. I wouldn't rush to do it, anyway, if I had the financial means to live a good life in London.

KarmaNoMore · 08/05/2017 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2017 20:58

YANBU, especially in relation to your employment options.

It does seem like it's all about his hobbies TBH. I'm personally not in favour of the trailing spouse thing for a prolonged period, or indefinitely, because your left in a vulnerable place if your OH decides they want out of the relationship.

Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them...

amicissimma · 08/05/2017 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eolian · 08/05/2017 21:02

I'd a million times rather live in Devon or Dorset than London, but that's not the point. It sounds like you've done more than your fair share of trailing after him. It's time you had a say.

Jupitar · 08/05/2017 21:05

I live in Dorset by the sea and some of you are making it sound like it's in the far outback. Several of my neighbouring houses are holiday homes for Londoners the majority of which the wives would love to make the move permanently but their husbands are against it. And there's loads of Londoners who have made the move in a permanent basis. If you are going to move it's better to do it whilst the kids are young and you have the opportunity of making friends at the school gates, once the kids move up to secondary school it's a lot harder to meet and make friends with people. Why not go to Dorset or Devon for a holiday and see how you feel then. And yes sailing is done during the winter

Intransige · 08/05/2017 21:05

In your position I would start to seriously plan your re-entry to the workforce eg book some time with an executive coach who can support you in thinking through your career options. It will focus the mind, both his and yours.

I'm fascinated by the "you don't understand boys" comment. Does he seriously think that half the population is the same? People are people, personality is by far the greatest determining factor in what suits someone, not whether they're male or female.

Fink · 08/05/2017 21:15

I'm with the small holiday property idea. And there's plenty of sailing within reach of London.

There are good things to be said for both locations, but this is about him listening to you and you both finding a solution that will work for the whole family.

Atenco · 08/05/2017 21:32

Jupitar

But the OP doesn't want to move and as for the school gate, the plan entails sending her children as weekly boarders.

I love the countryside too, but why should she and the kids give up their networks of friends and interests to pander to her DH's dreams, when they have had to do this consistently because of his work commitments.

As for the idea of housework being a good substitute for friends and an interesting job, words fail me.

GladysKnight · 08/05/2017 21:34

On phone so can't easily rtft but as rural parent of teenagers - ah god i wish we lived in a decent sized town with good schools and first class public transport. And so do the kids. And i really wish it took me less than 3 hrs to get to work events in london!

MsHooliesCardigan · 08/05/2017 22:01

OP, I agree that you really need to put your foot down and go for the broken record technique rather than being drawn into an endless debate. He's told you that the choice is ultimately yours - just tell him that you've made your choice and you want to stay in London. End of discussion. I have lived in London for 25 years. I moved here to do my nurse training and really hated it to begin with. Then I began to slowly warm to it and moved on to completely falling in love with it and have stayed in love with it ever since - more so since I've had children. My children have had an absolute ball growing up here, my 14 year old DD spends her weekends swanning off to Camden market, Oxford Street, the South Bank, going boating on the Serpentine, free gigs in Trafalgar Square, endless free festivals etc. When I was her age, I was completely dependent on my parents to drive me to the cinema 40 minutes away.
It's your turn now.

grannytomine · 08/05/2017 22:24

Jupitar, exactly and Devon is the same, I think people on here think the West Country is full of The Wurzels, we all wear wellies and say Ooh Argh all the time.

That doesn't mean the OP needs to move here but it really isn't a fair picture. People can choose to live in a small village or in a city I don't understand why people assume it would have to be a small village. From the middle of Exeter you can get a train to Starcross in 8 minutes, so you could live in Starcross and 8 minutes on the train to Exeter or live in Exeter and an 8 minute journey to go sailing at Starcross. Obviously plenty of other places but just an example.

Exeter voted remain.

38cody · 08/05/2017 22:35

My DH tried this too. He wanted to leave london and stick us in a big house near the coast in Hampshire whilst he still worked in London! - He works odd hours so would commute against the traffic and he wanted the big house and garden that we can't afford in London. I meanwhile would be stuck all week in the back of beyond sobbing my way around the big house with all the kids rather than having coffee at the Tate!
We went and spend a winters weekend down there - GRIM- he never mentioned it again!
London is without any doubt the finest city in the world, I would NEVER leave, dig your heels in...tired of London...Tired of life.

OverOn · 08/05/2017 23:26

Canso - but you are not caging him in London. All you are saying is that now is not the right time to move. This could change later (or not), but you can only live your life for the stage you are at. There is no point worrying now about how he might feel in the future.

Don't get into a debate about why you want o stay in London. Be factual if pushed - you are settled and have made good friends, the boys are settled, you don't want to live a rural idyll, you are happy where you are. If he brings up you moaning about taking the kids to events and matches, just laugh and say that would be much much worse in his rural idyll - at least in London there's plenty of transport for the boys to get themselves round when they are older.

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