To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

The OP said what she does in a much earlier post.

She cooks dinner, does a painting class and sometimes walks the dog.

I didn't say people's lives have no value. Everyone's life has value. That's why I don't understand why she doesn't want to do any more with it!

Well that reads like you do a lot, actually, high6 and presumably you and your partner (I'm assuming you have one, sorry if not) are happy with the situation? The OP's partner is not. And presumably if your partner expressed discontent with some aspects of your joint lives, you would consider what he/she had to say and proceed together. You wouldn't outright refuse to consider any change whatsoever?

Italian I have little experience of people who don't do much with their lives. I like people who have things to talk about. That's all.

I can just see why the OP's husband has become disatisfied with her over the years given her own description of her life.

Plgtails yes I have a DP and yes he's very happy with the situation but I do do a lot in the house and don't have a cleaner (but do have a gardener). He works abroad a lot and has a very stressful job, we decide donkeys years ago that it would make life a lot easier if I didn't work. We do discuss it though from time to time unlike the OP!

I talk about lots of things though with regard to your liking people who have things to talk about, plenty to discuss re current affairs, bloody Brexit etc. I love to read about all that is going on in the world and we always have loads to talk about, have lots of friends and go out a fair bit.

Mini she'll be back. But on a new thread. Asking the same question and hoping for a different answer.

Have been reading with interest as I am in a similar situation to OP's H (only without the affair & celibate marriage ☺️)

I work long, unpredictable hours. DH is the SAHP for two boys currently 11&9. I doubt he'll go into any form of paid work outside the home when they reach their teens - they'll still need ferrying around, someone at home to hear about their day, someone to make sure they have packed lunches & school stuff. They could probably make their own lunches at 15, I suppose.

We also have a gardener and cleaner. DH walks the dogs with the boys - and does laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, DIY, general Family Organising, cooking if he has to (I love it and I'm better at it!), family and our business finances (including all 3 tax returns) - I don't think we'd manage as well as we do if he got a paid job outside the home. I also don't think the house would be as lovely to live in if we didn't have the gardener & cleaner, he doesn't have time to do that plus sort boys out.

I'm lucky (?!) in that the affection / intimacy / companionship isn't an issue but if it were I don't think my first response would be to have an affair. I'd be talking to DH to find out what was wrong and see how we could fix it. Maybe OP's H has done that, I don't know. But I don't think she deserves quite the kicking she's received.

OP is future batshit bitter MIL from hell

We are veering into very murky territory when we start assessing the value of someone's life based on their level of activity or concrete contribution.

You might find someone boring or whatever, but that is your own feeling, not a reflection on the other person. The OP doesn't owe anyone here anything.

She owed her H a good deal more effort to walk a bit in his shoes though, and she can't hold the affair over his head forever.

" bullied her into getting a job so that she wouldn't be able to claim spousal maintenance when they split."

And why should a man be expected to financially support an able bodied woman of working age?

Because in many cases the sahp (usually the woman) has given up a good career for a number of years in order to look after their dc. With greatly reduced pension and advancement opportunities, even if she manages to get back into decent paid work again later. I can't believe this needs pointing out. It's generally men (like my oblivious oh) saying the career break makes no difference to final salary/pension /ability to support oneself financially, when that is quite obviously bullshit in the majority of cases.

straw and what responsibility does she own for that?

Or is only the man responsible?

Maybe she should have thought about this earlier? Maybe he should have wondered if her dh was happy? Instead of burying her head in the sand because at least SHE got what she wanted.

You know what Leda, that's a real dick comment. For various reasons one partner is usually largely responsible for childcare in a family - out of necessity. Of course they (and any others in the situation) will have thought about it. It will have best fit their family at the time, whether the PC continued to work or not. I doubt many ppl have the initial thought that they'd better not change a thing about their work /career when kids arrive because they may split up and be reliant on that original wage and pension. If both partners have been lucky enough to be able to stay in their jobs full time without any changes, and their dc are able to fit into this, good for them. But I doubt that's the norm.

And I was generalising in my comments re spousal maintenance and careers. Yes, OP is capable of working now, but her earnings will be significantly reduced due to time taken out to care for dc. It seems unfair (generally) that this is not recognised in a divorce. (Afaik, I'm no expert)

ItalianGreyhound, no you didn't say she was an unpaid housekeeper, I didn't say you did but it was said.

I said about it not just being about her being happy because you said she was happy and it's great that she is happy and if her husband was happy as well then it is no one else's business to say if her life is OK or not, but it is his business to say he isn't going to fund it all anymore.

mylaststraw, the husband in this case is happy for things to continue as they are but with less paid staff to reflect the fact that his ds no longer needs the same level of care

the OP otoh thinks she is entitled to have the same status of SAHM while not actually doing anything much

how many of us would last in a job if we insisted on never taking on any new tasks when old tasks became redundant?

is it likely that the dh is able to support the family through an attitude like that?

Cory as I said, I was replying to the general statement about spousal maintenance, not this particular situation. In this case I agree that OP should make changes, it still doesn't change the fact that I think time out of work to look after young DC (and it's consequences on future earnings) should be considered and compensated for in a divorce.

No Straw its not a dick comment.

The Op chose to be at home. I am talking about this situation. Because what happens in other families isnt relevant here.

THIS Op chose to carry on the status quo. She holds some responsibility for her position. She is an adult with an almost adult child. She has choices and refuses do any that inconveniences her. Her other thread was reflective of that.

Other peoples situations and wether they can afford childcare or not is not relevant. Because the OP can.

She has chosen to contribute very little to her marriage in recent years.

I think most people think about the longterm impacts of giving up work. Marriages often dont last forever and most people are aware of that.

Erm, ues it is Leda most families make the decision together for one parent to stay at home. Even if OP gets a job now (or even if she had one five years ago) her total earning capacity and pension is greatly reduced from what it would have been if she hadn't taken a career break. That is what I was referring to as unfair, as I have clearly stated.
Maybe if you find yourself divorced after a career break looking after dc, subsequently earning much less than previously, with reduced pension prospects and worried about your future, then you will find the understanding and empathy you clearly lack.

My mum was a SAHM and I would be horrified if my dad expected her to go out and get a low paid part time job! She spent years doing the drudgery of childcare and household management. Now her children are older her SAHM work is done and she's retired!

She did decide to do some volunteering and start up a small business but that was (I hope) her own decision.

It's something I'd discuss with my partner before he or I ever became a SAHP. I think it's different when the partner has a high powered well payed career and can support their spouse.

My mum was a SAHM and I would be horrified if my dad expected her to go out and get a low paid part time job

But that's not what the ops husband expects either is if? He expects her to either do more round the home so he doesn't need to pay for domestic staff or get a job, her choice. He's not even saying stop all home help, he's just saying reduce it.

The OP can mitigate the loss by getting a job now, if she continues to be a SAHM she is just getting further and further behind.

My understanding from friends who have divorced, admittedly a few years ago, is that they did get a share of husband's pension and they also got a bigger share of the house. Even though they are friends I often thought the man actually seemed to get quite a rough deal, I can think of a couple who went from a nice family home to a grotty bedsit in one case and his parent's spare bedroom in another while the wife continued to live in the house for years and then got a bigger share of it when it was sold.

None of these women had small children and I guess that will make it alot harder but the women I know did progressed in their careers after the divorce but not all of us have careers as such, some people have jobs and taking a break for a few years won't make alot of difference.

I only know one woman who took as long off work as the OP and she did very nicely in the divorce and with a daughter in her 20s continues to be a stay at home mum. I pity her daughter.

I don't know what the OP did before having children, I don't know if she has said and I missed it but the loss of her career progression and pension will depend on, as an example, if she was a high flying something or other in the city or an office junior with no qualifications or prospects.

My mum was a SAHM and I would be horrified if my dad expected her to go out and get a low paid part time job! She spent years doing the drudgery of childcare and household management

Did your mother have just one child and household staff? Did she treat your dad badly?
i doubt its analogous.

My mum was a SAHM and I think it's a real shame that my dad didn't expect her to go out and get a part time job (or do voluntary work, or study or ...).

It really did neither her nor any of her DC any favours.

Maybe if you find yourself divorced after a career break looking after dc, subsequently earning much less than previously, with reduced pension prospects and worried about your future, then you will find the understanding and empathy you clearly lack.

You understand and know anything about my life? Or anything i have done with my life?

Even if OP gets a job now (or even if she had one five years ago) her total earning capacity and pension is greatly reduced from what it would have been if she hadn't taken a career break. That is what I was referring to as unfair, as I have clearly stated.

And in the last 5 years she could have closed the gap OR contributed more to her own household and marriage.

The OP got a lot out of being a sahm. It wasnt something she had to do. She did it because it suited her too.

Now her children are older her SAHM work is done and she's retired!

How many years is thete between her work being done and his work being done?

I can't believe your husband has stayed with you so long with you contributing so little towards your marriage

My mum was a SAHM and I would be horrified if my dad expected her to go out and get a low paid part time job!

The OP isn't your mum. Your mum presumably didn't also have a load of paid domestic help and also had a relationship with your father.

At any rate, the OP's husband isn't expecting her to go to work. He obviously feels that he's been used as a cash cow for years (because he has). He would stop feeling used if OP basically just does a bit of work and contributes something. Could be salaried employment, could be housework, it doesn't matter. The point is simply that she should DO SOMETHING so that their relationship (for want of a better word) consists of more than him simply pouring money into her largely idle lifestyle.

Even if OP gets a job now (or even if she had one five years ago) her total earning capacity and pension is greatly reduced from what it would have been if she hadn't taken a career break.

Ok, fine. So the husband has suggested just reducing the hired help as another equal option. Walk the dog, do some cleaning and laundry. Is it really so difficult when you have six hours a day to yourself?

She's come on here asking us if we think she is unreasonable to refuse to make any changes and to expect her lifestyle to continue exactly as it had before, with the added bonus of her husband being in permanent penitence to her. She's not prepared to take any account of the circumstances surrounding his affair - namely that he had no relationship with his wife, and she didn't give a stuff as long as he kept pouring money into her lifestyle. She claims she needs to be at home because her 15 year old son needs her, and yet when the kid is actually off school sick, she still expects her husband to upend his working day so she can do her hobby.

I honestly don't know why the husband has put up with it for as long as he has.

I think you are being unreasonable. You won't even consider what your husband is saying.

To me it reads like he is setting you up for independence so you can support yourself when he leaves. Possibly when your son leaves.

My children are 17 and 14 and get themselves home and on my work days are maybe here 30 minutes after I leave and possibly 30 minutes before I get home. I don't work every day but I also don't expect my husband to support us all by himself.

I do think you need to think to the future. He may well have a future with the other woman.