To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

Italian - people have earned her that she may face divorce and extreme difficulty getting a job, not from a sense of schadenfreude, but from concern that she really is not capable of seeing more than her own very blinkered pov here. This is after all a woman who wants to know if she is unreasonable to dig her heels in and say no to all suggestions for change, believing that her husband's affair means he will be chained to her forever and that he has no choice but to grovel at her feet until death doth part them.

earned = warned.

I'm not defending the OP.

I am shocked at how some like to be really cruel to a stranger under the cloak of anonymity, and I do think some are enjoying it.

I think it's more the incredulity than cruelty, tbh, that someone can, for example, not work at all, have a dog and a 15 year old and still need to pay someone else to walk said dog.

Why have a dog if you're not even going to walk it? Why not walk it yourself for those 4 times each week if you're not working? Why not get the 15 year old to walk it?

I know a few people who don't work who have dogs. Either because they are SAHMs or retired and I am imagining the response i'd get if I asked them if they ever used dog walkers. It's one of the things they love about not working, being able to walk the dog a couple of times every day.

I don't know anyone who doesn't work who also has a cleaner.

Depends who you know. I have at least 2 friends who don't work and have dog walkers, gardeners and house keepers. They get them to walk the dogs on the days that they are busy out to lunch

To be fair to the OP, she did say she has a dog walker on the one day a week when she's doing her painting course. If she didn't do that, the Doghouse would totally be on her back

pigtails I think what you are describing is jealousy not incredulity. I don't mean you personally.

Apart from the lack of intimacy I think sounds like the OP has a great life. sadly not a great marriage. But some comments see. intended to be cruel.

Absolutely agree with everything Italiangreyhound has said.

A privileged rich woman has made a thread and everyone is out for blood. No one knows why the OP has intimacy issues, and yet there have been personal insults chucked at her regarding her sex life.

On a previous thread the OP said she had a miscarriage years ago and went off sex. The DP stopped asking and they hadn't slept together since.

I think what you are describing is jealousy not incredulity

Do you really think so?

Taking the sex/intimacy issue out of it for a second, I don't really think the OP describes a lifestyle that many people would aspire to or covet for themselves.

Of course, I wouldn't believe anyone who said they didn't wish for a bit more money and a bit more time to pursue their own hobbies/interests, and she might be very lucky in that respect.

But her life does seem to be very empty and, having worked part time and done a brief stint as a SAHM, I can honestly say that they were some of the most boring times of my life!

I studied towards a diploma on maternity leave because I was worried about being bored. I work full time, volunteer and have hobbies because I get bored if my time is not being used well or 'productively'.

As much as anything, I can't see how anyone would gain any fulfillment out of a life that contains so little.

But I guess we're all different.

I think the OP's life sounds utterly miserable

JigglyTuff I think it sounds bliss. Each to their own.

It doesn't really matter if we would choose her life or not. The point is, she doesn't live it in a vacuum that affects her and nobody else. Her husband has to pay for it with, it seems, little to no return. Should she have this very comfortable life funded by a spouse who gets demonstrably little in return? I think most people would say no.

I'm sorry that she has a trauma around intimacy but I don't think it's fair to expect a man to live like a monk while bankrolling her when she's not working, parenting or homemaking. If she cared about his feelings and needs she would presumably at least TRY to deal with the intimacy issue, or perhaps allow him to go elsewhere if she doesn't want to lose her lifestyle. I could not be with someone who just expected me to be celibate for my entire married life, and didn't care how I felt about it.

See I think you're seeing it through the lens of all about the money Italian. What's blissful about it? Sure, the OP doesn't have to work or do much. But what's the point of her? She's smothering her only child to give herself a raison d'etre. She and her husband have no intimacy, no kindness, no communication. She doesn't even seem to have any friends. She sounds lonely and scared to me.

Maybe it's because I knew a lot of women like the OP when I was growing up that I have seen at firsthand how utterly miserable the life of a wealthy trailing spouse can be.

JigglyTuff "See I think you're seeing it through the lens of all about the money Italian."

Well, if I did not have to work, I would not work, despite the fact I quite like my job.

I would probably volunteer on interesting committees and for interesting groups.

"What's blissful about it?"

Not having to go into work. Not having so much to do work-wise and not enough time to do it.

Not dealing with two children one with special educational needs (I would not be without my kids but they can be hard work).

"But what's the point of her?" That is a massively rude and offensive question, we are more than our earning potential. I really cannot believe you could ask such a thing!

She is a mum and a homemaker, who knows what else she does in her spare time.

"She and her husband have no intimacy..." I said that is the bit that would bother me.

"She doesn't even seem to have any friends." How can you know that?

"She sounds lonely and scared to me." maybe but she has not said so.

"...how utterly miserable the life of a wealthy trailing spouse can be." I would love to be supported to find things to do that do not require me to sit in an office and earn money.

PigtailsAndPosies massively judging others by your own 'standard' of what you would find fulfilling. Can you not see life through another's eyes?

I can but then , as you say,we are all different.

Well all of our opinions on this, and any other, thread are based on our own perspectives and our own 'standard', surely?

I cannot imagine why anyone would want to live a life that contained so little, no.

As you said yourself, if you didn't have to work then you would probably volunteer on interesting committees and for interesting groups. Which is my point exactly.

You've been his unpaid housekeeper/nanny for many, many years and now, I fear, he wants out of this relationship, and is asking you to take on a part time role that you don't want and which will make negligible difference to the household finances. I would really question his motives for this.

Hillarious, she is hardly a housekeeper she has staff for that, how many years is it since the son needed a nanny? He is 15. Unpaid? Well I guess she has been housed, fed, has a car, money for hobbies and I would guess holidays. If you add it up it isn't a bad income for what? Getting a 15 year old to school and back, I can't think of anything else.

pigtails can I ask. you don't need to say...regarding....

"...studied towards a diploma on maternity leave because I was worried about being bored. I work full time, volunteer and have hobbies because I get bored if my time is not being used well or 'productively"

Was it a difficult topic or easy one, what was it, if you can say without outing yourself?

You see I don't think many people could do that. Not many people would want to buy actually could. Do you are starting from a different position from many people on maternity leave of you did manage to do that.

Granny only summed it up if a wife is a paid worker, which we all know, she is not. Not in this instance, in any instance.

She seems pretty well paid to me. Home, all bills, food, staff, all her hobbies paid for, holidays, everything. And what did he get in return? Fuck all.

Just in case anyone is confused, I don't think the OP has treated her husband well regarding intricacy issues. Which may well be for reasons etc we do not know.

However, the domestic arrangements they came to together until now (presumably) are not a paid work situation.

Italian It was a music diploma. I hated maternity leave the first time round. I'm not hugely sociable so going to mother and baby groups was my idea of hell and all of my friends worked so no one to meet and have lunch with. I was bored and lonely.

I'm just not very good at not having stuff to do.

That may be how you view it user1493022461 but when I cook a dinner (often not from scratch) for Dh and out kids I am not paid for it!