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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be prepared to make changes

504 replies

AngelThursday · 07/05/2017 16:19

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 08/05/2017 16:50

I wouldn't be surprised if the DH is quietly putting all his ducks in a row until the right time for a divorce, at which point the OP's vacuous, entitled life will come crashing down around her ears. I don't condone affairs but feel very sorry for both the DH and DS. I hope he has an ace financial adviser - and that the OP enjoys flipping burgers, about the only job she will get after not working for 15 years

YouWouldntLetItLie · 08/05/2017 17:04

Poor dog. Owner is at home all day, every day, and still can't be arsed spare the time to walk it more than 4 times a week. Confused

Babykoala1 · 08/05/2017 17:12

He's an arsehole and you sound lazy.

SafeToCross · 08/05/2017 17:22

No, you don't have to change, but are you happy to divorce if he is not happy with the status quo? What would seperation mean for you? It seems he has reneged on the agreement you had, both in fidelity and in changing the goalposts for you. That sucks. But there is no repair without changes (not all yours).

heateallthebuns · 08/05/2017 17:41

Obviously yabu! It's up to him if he finds your lifestyle and he's not happy doing it anymore, you haven't really got any choice!

HappyAxolotl · 08/05/2017 17:51

The adults have made their choices. The child is 15 and he is the one I feel sorry for. He should be out and about with friends and social stuff, taking his first steps towards developing his own life independent of his parents. And he can't take a bus and never gets any time left alone. Uni in 3 years? He'll be lucky if he can get to the corner shop by then.

Makes you wonder if that was the meal ticket game plan all along. Sad

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 08/05/2017 17:56

Rorty, I suspect he is. He won't want his son to believe that's how life works and now he has had a taste of happiness and equality I suspect he will want more.

OP will be in for a huge shock when she has to work and support herself.

Stormtreader · 08/05/2017 18:07

You just want to keep painting and scratching your privileged arse with your equally idle rich friends.

^^this.

rookiemere · 08/05/2017 19:28

I hope the OP is a troll as some of these comments are now moving firmly into the being horrible rather than helpful category.

Some households are perfectly happy to have one parent not working even when the DCs are older or have grown up. Let's face it by being out of the workforce for so long, you've effectively decimated your chances of getting a decent paying job, so if the other partner is earning shedloads ( in the career that the other person helped to facilitate by them not having to do childcare when DC younger) then it's hardly sin of the century not to want to stack shelves for minimum wage.

I feel sorry for OP and her DH and most of all her DS. Doesn't seem like an ideal situation for anyone to be in.

rookiemere · 08/05/2017 19:29

Also we're all ascribing rather noble reasons to the DH wanting her to get back to work. I suspect it's more likely the OW has told him to do this so the settlement is less.

PoorYorick · 08/05/2017 19:54

I'd be inclined to believe that if he hadn't also suggested her simply having less hired help as an alternative. It sounds as though he is fed up of feeling taken advantage of. If OP either works a bit or does more around the house, either way he will feel that she is actually contributing something and not just using him.

But I also think there's a good chance this marriage isn't fixable (certainly it isn't if OP refuses to take any responsibility or make any changes) and he may well walk when the kid leaves home in 25 years.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2017 20:14

I think folks should stop attacking the op. I suspect she's got the message now and it's turning a bit nasty. The poster who said this isn't s happy home is right, it's two people co parenting, and one is resentfully subsidising the other to enable that.

A lot of people don't like change, I can see why she doesn't want it when it's being forced upon her. However that doesn't really explain why she won't take the doing more at home option and "reducing" the help.

I suspect it's difficult for her husband, he probably has quite a stressful job and fully understands some women hold down a succeful career and raise kids, More than one of kid too, and he sees his wife just fannying around making dinner, ferrying the son around and doing an art class. I guess he probably finds it hard to respect after a hard day's work.

I suspect he's not rich rich though as some folks are guessing. I know some rich rich men and all they care about is there wives are occupied and not on their case. They don't want their wives working down the local Tesco, although most of them would reduce the spend on home help if they could and have their wives do it instead, so maybe he is rich. 😂

corythatwas · 08/05/2017 21:10

rookiemere Mon 08-May-17 19:28:26

"Some households are perfectly happy to have one parent not working even when the DCs are older or have grown up. Let's face it by being out of the workforce for so long, you've effectively decimated your chances of getting a decent paying job, so if the other partner is earning shedloads ( in the career that the other person helped to facilitate by them not having to do childcare when DC younger) then it's hardly sin of the century not to want to stack shelves for minimum wage."

Did you miss this bit out of the OP: "OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job."

The dh is not insisting she should go back to work. He would be happy with her staying at home and reducing the paid help, in recognition that the nature of her role as SAHP has changed now that their only child is growing up.

Isn't that what we all have to be prepared to do- redefine our job descriptions as the nature of the work changes?

corythatwas · 08/05/2017 21:11

But do agree that some of the language used of the OP is disgusting.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2017 21:24

I'm assuming this is all nonsense.

If it's not... when you have a small child, it's reasonable that some household work is outsourced. Cleaner is a godsend if you have an active toddler. But a 15 year old? Having a cleaner, gardener and dog-walker and not working outside the home means masses of free time. And I believe in equal free money and equal free time in a partnership.

Is there any reason the OP's DH is entitled to vastly less free time?

And, although having an affair is dreadful (because of the trust issues) you having an open marriage would seem to be a solution to his want for sex and yours not to.

JustMumNowNotMe · 09/05/2017 08:27

Bloody hell! Of course he stopped asking for sex; you can only go on asking for so long before the constant rejection becomes completely demoralizing!

Yes cheating isn't great, and he should have left first but i can totally get why he did!

I'm with the others and agree he has stayed for his son, and will leave as soon as he goes off to uni.

Imagine being in such a cold, loveless and affectionless marriage Sad

strugglinghuman · 09/05/2017 12:57

Ten years of no sex? So however many years of rejection and being made to feel like an utter piece of shit, then however many years you both checked out for, presumably while you expected him to do an otherwise normal relationship... that's one hell of a divorce he's lived through already.

I often feel sad that people say this and feel like I'm alone in disagreeing, but for a lot of people it seems they cannot reconcile themselves with just living without affection/sex until they die.

strugglinghuman · 09/05/2017 12:59

^ to clarify what I disagree on is that this is grounds for cheating. It may be grounds for divorce then finding someone who loves you to spend the rest of this short life with someone who actually loves you, but not cheating.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/05/2017 13:04

Wtf, he's blaming you and you are taking all the blame. 4 1/2 years is no blip. Yes, you probably don't need the help as a SAhM but I also think this marriage is dying.

yerbutnobut · 09/05/2017 14:34

If this was all the other way round and it was OP going out to work and supporting H and DS, and H was home doing bare minimum then everyone would be LTB, the lazy so and so...
I'm sorry but I can see why he's sought comfort elsewhere. He probably has no respect or sees OP as his equal how can he when she's happily being financially supported by him but isn't happy to engage as most married couples do?

Somerford · 09/05/2017 17:21

Wtf, he's blaming you and you are taking all the blame. 4 1/2 years is no blip

Yep. He's blaming her because she deserves a proportionate amount of the blame. He should have left her rather than having an affair but OP's attitude is absurd. I have never encountered such a sense of entitlement, I can't imagine the mentality you'd need in order to live your life this way and maintain an ounce of self respect.

The idea that OP is in any position to "dig her heels in" and not agree to any changes, when her husband has only asked that they reduce the amount of butlers and servants meaning that she may have to lift a fucking finger once in a while, is utterly ridiculous. Remember, he hasn't insisted that she gets a job. He's said either get a job and contribute financially or do some house work. OP is living in a fantasy world if she thinks this is an unreasonable stance from her husband I'm afraid.

A 4 and a half year affair is pretty shocking but as I say, he should have just left her. She won't offer any intimacy, she won't contribute financially to the household and in addition to supporting her, he has to pay for all manner of staff to maintain the house while she does fuck all. Many others have said it already but reverse the genders in this scenario and every single reply would consist of "LTB" with a lengthy diatribe about what a sponging low life the husband is.

OP - restore some dignity and get your life in order. It is a matter of time before he leaves you, I suspect that you'd be ok with that as long as your current lifestyle could continue but I don't see that happening. You are going to have no choice but to be independent when he leaves and if I were you I'd start preparing for that now.

Italiangreyhound · 09/05/2017 21:09

Some of these comments to the OP are utterly disgusting. You should be ashamed taking glee in telling a woman what you think will happen negatively for her and her work opportunities etc.

It's a very sad situation but these cruel comments are just awful.

doubleshotespresso · 09/05/2017 21:24

Agreed ^

Bambamrubblesmum · 09/05/2017 21:28

I agree with Italian. If the OP isn't actually troll then remember there's another human being on the other end of the screen.

mathanxiety · 09/05/2017 21:46

Tomorrowillbeachicken, if you read the OP's words, you can see that she has identified the affair as the only problem in her marriage, meaning that she is either refusing to accept any responsibility for the current state of play, or sincerely cannot understand what a normal human being wants from a marriage.