To not be prepared to make changes

[AngelThursday]

OH and I (really can't call him DH ATM as I'm still reeling from my discovery a few months ago that he'd been having an ongoing affair) are currently working on our marriage as a result of his 4 1/2 year infedilty. Which he blames incidentally on my lack of interest in sex and intimacy (we haven't slept together in ten years). I am really trying to work on my issues with intimacy and to be fair he is being v patient and understanding about this.
However as part of the process of reestablishing our relationship he is putting pressure on me to make some other changes. ATM I am a sahm to our 15 year old DS. I have some help in the house such as a cleaner who also does some ironing, a dog walker once a week while I'm at my hobby/course and a gardener. OH is suggesting that we either reduce the help or I get a parttime job.
I feel the current set up works well for our DS (OH works long and erratic hours) and that he is only asking to make a change because of recent events. Also, we really don't need a second income as he earns very highly.
I have discovered that the OW is a career woman with three DC and can't help feeling he is comparing me to her.
So I'm therefore inclined to dig my heels in and refuse to make the changes he requests - AIBU?

pigtails good for you, it worked for you. Not for us all. I loved toddler groups!

I think you're missing the point made.

But the point isn't really whether it was a hard subject or not, my point was more to do with the fact that, other than one painting class, the OP doesn't really seem to do much with her days and her time.

If you consider Maslow, her set up puts her right up there in the position to acheive self actualisation; to realise her full potential as her unique self. And instead, she has described a hollow, unenviable existence.

I just think it's sad more than anything.

I think this is the only time I have EVER thought an affair was excusable.

Tbf i would accept what the Op gets in lieu of a wage.

House, staff, hobbies, holidays, access to plenty of money, food.....all paid for.....for taking teenager to school and cooking meals.

Okay, so it isn't about money per se, it's about free time. But you would spend your free time doing things that make other people's lives better.

I wasn't being horrible when I said 'what is the point of her' - I was being honest. We all need to feel that our presence in the world is of value to someone. Right now, the OP is making it all about her son. But when he doesn't need her any more, what is she going to do then? As I said, I've met lots of women who are very comfortable financially, don't/can't work and are bored out of their minds.

I've read several of the OP's threads. She really isn't happy, however much she protests

user1493022461 "I think you're missing the point made." Was that to me?

We are on page 18, many points have been made, which one am I missing?

Pigtails "the OP doesn't really seem to do much with her days and her time. " Really what is that to do with anything?

Do you think the Queen comes in and tells Prince Philip off for not chopping wood? (Forgetting for a minute he is 90 something!). Different couples arrange their lives differently.

This is an emotional and sexual issue, and not a financial one. Which is why it is odd the husband has focused on a part time job, but I do still understand where he is coming from. I am actually on his side as I think the OP has been unfair to him, but not for being a stay at home mum or having a cleaner etc. Not if that was agreed between themselves.

pigtails "...she has described a hollow, unenviable existence. " Sad? You really need to read a bit more about the world is you think that is sad. You seem determined to judge her.

ThreeLeggedHaggi "I think this is the only time I have EVER thought an affair was excusable." I think it is one of the times I can understand it.

JigglyTuff "Okay, so it isn't about money per se, it's about free time. But you would spend your free time doing things that make other people's lives better." Because I enjoy it. Now do you see why I feel some of these comments are based on jealousy!

"I wasn't being horrible when I said 'what is the point of her' - I was being honest." I am afraid your comment was completely offensive, if you think it is honest so be it but it was really offensive still. Do you say that to all people who do not have jobs outside the home?

Whether the OP is happy or not is for her to work out, not for your to judge. It really is very pompous to think you know what makes people happy. I am guessing your job is pretty nice and fulfilling. There, that's me making a judgment!

You might not think she is being paid in the formal sense but is it fair to say she is an unpaid housekeeper/nanny? She seems to be doing quite well to me. I pity the poor bloke, I suspect he has put up with this for his son and as son leaves for uni he will be on his way as well.

I can accept that 16 years ago they had a chat about her being a SAHM but I wonder if he realised that was going to include paying for domestic help and her hobbies for 15 years plus. I don't think many people would think that was going to last for so long. Regardless he has decided the holiday is over she either does some housework and walks the dog or gets a job. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me and isn't an obvious ploy to stop paying maintenance or it wouldn't be either or it would be "Get a job."

ItalianGreyhound, I don't think its just about if she's happy, her husband has got rights as well.

I do think it's sad.

Yes, there are people in worse situations for all sorts of reasons. People who would love to spend their days doing more than they do and yet are unable to do so for reasons beyond their control.

But the OP has no limitations or restictions placed on her, she is choosing to live a restricted life. So yes, it is sad that she, as an individual, doesn't wish for more for herself and her son than this.

It isn't a financial issue for me. I don't value myself or others based on income or wealth.

Given that it doesn't seem to be a financial issue for the husband either, perhaps it is more about self fulfillment, contributing to society, being a rounded individual, having plans and being passionate about something. Perhaps he would have more respect for his wife if she had more about her than... well what? One painting class a week and a couple of dog walks?

He has said to her that if she doesn't want to get a job, then he would like to reduce the 'staff' because there is no need for her to be at home all day and have a cleaner/gardener/dog walker.

He doesn't respect her. And I can see why.

And yes, I don't really think the OP's situation is comparable to that of Prince Philip!

Italian - actually my job isn't nice and fulfilling. It used to be but I had to give up full time work because of my DS's SN.

I think the OP is unhappy because this is about the third thread she has posted this month.

But maybe her life is perfect, except for the pesky detail of her husband having an affair because she and he haven't had sex for 10 years and he's been having an affair with someone else for half of that time ...

Jiggly and Pigtails I think that you are both being immensely patronising and offensive towards the OP and by inference any other woman who aren't 'fulfilled' in your eyes.

I don't work and haven't done for 15 years, I couldn't be happier and I do have to raise an eyebrow when people just don't get that and insist that you must work in some capacity to be happy. We are all very different and I respect other people's need to work so why can't you accept that others don't particularly want to work if they don't have to?

High5 - I'm delighted you're happy. I think you've got me wrong actually. I have a friend who hasn't ever worked - she's very happy indeed. She's very fulfilled and has loads of interests and hobbies

I don't think the OP is happy because she's posted several threads saying she isn't.

high5 if you read my posts I haven't actually said anything about working, per se.

If she wasn't working but was involved in local politics, or was on the board of trustees for a charity, or volunteered listening to readers in a local primary school, or campaigned for local issues, or mentoring teenagers, or at university for the 3rd time, or anything, I'd be supporting and championing that all the way.

It really isn't about 'working' for me in the sense of earning and defining yourself by your job. It's about developing and challenging yourself. Setting yourself goals and targets and self improvement. It's about being fired up and passionate about something in the world and engaging with it.

Or are you saying that you don't do any of this either? Because i find that hard to believe.

Granny of course her husband has rights.cwhen did I deny that or say she was an unpaid housekeeper?

Pigtails I think there might be many people I don't respect but I think you have no idea about how much or little the op does.

Francise I was just trying to think of someone rich. Bad example! I do sympathise with the husband. Just not the people determined to weigh a woman's worth on how much dog walking she does!

Jiggly so you do see it is about the sex. Not the housework. And I am sorry your job ism't fulfilling. Sometimes I'd like mine to be more so too.

Jiggly maybe I am your friend !

Pigtails I am not involved in politics particularly and am not at university. My passions lie with horses, running, walking, cycling, swimming, gardening, yoga all that sort of stuff - children too yes but possibly nothing that would set the world on fire. My goals are all sports driven so not very altruistic you might say but they keep me very happy and fulfilled.

pigtails can you really not see how your desire to categorise lives of value and those that seem to you as of no value is highly offensive?

Why is everyone still arguing about this when the OP clearly has no intention on returning and stopped responding days ago ??😊

I am very selfishly talking about myself and haven't mentioned the OP at all mini !

Mini why do you care! Maybe it is the theory that is important, what is the worth of a person, is it just the tasks they perform etc!

Anyway, I am taking a break from this thread as I am just getting frustrated by it! But OP returning or not, I do think it is an important discussion, what makes people of value. I can think of massive swathes of society we could write off quite easily, but I don't want to. I do hope the OP finds the answers she needs.

high5 high five to you.