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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:

EatsShitAndLeaves · 07/05/2017 12:01

I think the issue here is one of enforcing portion sizes for people, and references to weight rather than "man portions".

DH works out and eats like a horse. A typical cooked breakfast for him would be 3 rashers of bacon, a sausage, black pudding, a pile of scrambled eggs, beans and 2 potato cakes.

Personally I simply couldn't eat that much. I'd have a couple off slices of bacon, a sausage, a small portion of eggs and a potato cake (I don't like beans but if I remember I'll grill myself a tomato ).

The kids like beans, potato cakes, eggs and maybe a sausage if they feel like it.

However if we have people to stay I ask what they would like from what's on offer and how much they want. I wouldn't automatically serve up "male/female" portions. I certainly wouldn't put someone on an enforced diet - and who the hell serves half a rasher of bacon .

katedan · 07/05/2017 12:01

I would always serve a man more food than a women. Generally men require more calories than women. There is a few comments about your mil being working class and definitely years ago a man would get the lions share of any available food as he would be doing manual work, maybe your MIl is still in that mindset.

I do think her comment about your weight is very rude though and acceptable.

itsmine · 07/05/2017 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 12:01

She sounds like a witch. Well done.

Roomster101 · 07/05/2017 12:03

I don't. I think its odd to plate guests food up for them. However if its this one thing in isolation that the mil does, give the women smaller portions I think its a stretch to want to pack up and go.

It wasn't the only thing she did though was it? She also made the bitchy comment about OP not knowing what a "proper breakfast" was because of her size.

honeylulu · 07/05/2017 12:03

Good for you!
This sounds just like my Grandma who thought men "needed" to be stuffed and women should eat like little birdies. I agree and accept that men do generally need more calories than women but it's only about 500 cals different a day - a slightly smaller portion at each meal would do it. Men do not need different food!
One particular memory stands out. We were staying with our grandparents (sis and I were early/mid teens) overnight and in the morning the men were served up a full English. Females were offered toast or muesli and served themselves.
Then at Elevenses we all got given a cup of tea/coffee and the men were given a huge slab of Victoria sponge cake. I asked (was always very hungry and very slim) and was told no, as "we ladies have to watch our figures!".
An hour later grandma asked if we were having lunch before leaving and my bloody dad said "Oo no I don't think we will, I'm so full up from your lovely breakfast"?!?
By the time we got home it was 4pm and too late for lunch. I was nearly fainting by dinner!!
The other odd thing is that grandma was obese. I reckon she was one of those "secret eaters" as she just picked at tiny meals in front of people.

FrancisCrawford · 07/05/2017 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 07/05/2017 12:04

OP stay and go out for lunch and ask the server for a man's size portion of your starter and a woman's size portion of your main. When they look at you like a crazy loon say you're sorry, your MIL thinks that is normal.
Either way enjoy your lunch. FWIW my MIL used to comment on how much I ate, and how she couldn't possibly manage as much as me. Then she would stuff her face in the kitchen lol. It used to annoy her so much that I didn't put on weight but I was young and had a fast metabolism then. I have to work at it to stay at a size I'm happy with these days.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 12:04

She sounds incredibly rude. I would want to leave immediately but you probably should stick around and go for lunch. And enjoy every mouthful.

But it would be a cold day in hell before I went back to see her.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 12:05

OP, is MIL perhaps short of money?

She gave the three men massive portions, not just larger portions. If she were short of money then equalising the portions was possible without spending an extra penny.

There is no excuse for penis portions - its just misogyny. Give people the same or ask them what they want but don't impose arbitrary limits on women to give excess amounts to the men.

AppleAndBlackberry · 07/05/2017 12:06

She was very rude to comment on your weight. I'm not a big breakfast eater but I eat the same as DH for a main meal, neither of us are overweight. I do give FIL a larger portion than the rest of us when they visit but that's because we've know each other for 15 years and I know he's a bigger eater.

Moussemoose · 07/05/2017 12:06

When you are a host you look after your guests. You ask them how hungry they are and cook accordingly. This isn't men/women this us just plain rude. To serve a guest too little food is bad manners.

I would be mortified if someone left my house hungry. Be it man, woman, child or small furry alien!

You don't get to judge!

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 12:06

I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.

I have to say though OP. That ^ was also really^ rude.

Did you honestly just go and raid your husband's plate, without asking if you could take some of his food?

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 12:08

So if you're 5'3" , size 18 is probably fat then. But if you're 5'11" , size 18 is commensurate with your height. Surely? OP (to my knowledge, unless I missed it) nor I, mentioned our height measurements.

A 5'11" person at size 12 would be slightly worrying.

In any event - I'm in my late 50s, so care not a jot. It is not for someone else to dictate what another person eats. And if my MiL tried to do that to me, she'd find herself sitting there with a sausage stuffed up her nose.

SecretNetter · 07/05/2017 12:08

There's very few women who would require the same sized portions as their dh. I'm 5'5 and dh is 6'3 and twice as broad (well not quite twice but ykwim). So I think you are bu to generally expect Identical portions to be dished out to the men as the women by others, even if that's what you do at home.

However, it's not just the portion in this case but the content...the women were completely denied some of the food (beans and black pudding) which the men had which was really unfair and would piss me off.

In that situation, I would have asked where our (the women's) beans and black pudding was. And then asked dh over the table if I could share some of his as there was no more left...but I wouldn't have got up and raided another plate without asking.

Overall your MIL is being very ur with her penis portions but you were also rude in your handling of it IM opinion.

IloveBanff · 07/05/2017 12:08

I think the OP was extremely rude to her husband to just get up and take food off his plate and put it on her own. Who does that? It would be different if he'd said, "Oh I can't eat all this, especially as we're going out for lunch" and then asked the OP if she would like any, but to just get up and take the food off his plate is bloody rude and how must he have felt?

SoulAccount · 07/05/2017 12:09

She certainly didn't mean well, or not once she was challenged, anyway.

She may well just be thoughtless in her plating up, because everyone should be asked. Whatever my sex I would be revolted to be served all that stuff on a plate that the men got, for example.

But her comments were outrageous.

You could have handled it assertively while holding on to more moral high ground, and your DH needs to tell her that commenting on your weight is unacceptable.

Sayhellotothelittlefella · 07/05/2017 12:09

lurker A suggestion for going forward would be inform DH that every time MIL serves food you and he will swap plates. She will soon catch on to this and will either a) give DH a smaller portion and you larger in which case you don't swap or b) she will give you equal amounts to make sure he gets enough food. You will then have the moral high ground of not being, in their eyes, the unreasonable one who refuses to visit

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 12:11

Evans the OP didn't need to state her height, because he already stated she was fat.

Then you informed her that she wasn't.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 12:11

*she

PurpleMinionMummy · 07/05/2017 12:12

I don't think it's rude. Her dh has repeatedly let hiss wife go hungry at his own mothers house. I'd have swapped plates

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 12:14

The DH should definitely have offered

But it's really rude that the OP just got up and took his food, while he sat there silently.

It's not like he plated it up himself.

Moussemoose · 07/05/2017 12:14

Who cares how fat anyone is?
You have a guest in your house. Your guest is hungry. You feed them and then ask if they want anything else.
These are the basic rules of hospitality across the world! "Please have some more". It's basic bloody manners.

Roomster101 · 07/05/2017 12:15

There's very few women who would require the same sized portions as their dh.

I don't think that is true. DH is only about half an inch taller than me and maybe a stone and a half heavier. Whilst he does eat a few more calories than me overall, he doesn't necessarily eat more at each meal and certainly not at breakfast. The extra calories may come from more food at one meal (i.e. not all meals), or a beer in the evening or between meal snack.

StandardNameHere · 07/05/2017 12:15

Just to add - I can't believe you actually got up, walked around the table and took food off someone else's plate. IMO that is really rude.
It's bloody breakfast and you are going out for lunch, it wasn't your last meal.

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