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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 07/05/2017 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 11:51

So your MiL gave you a very small portion, you asked if there was any more, she makes rude comments about your weight in front of everyone and yet she feels humiliated?

How does that work?

In all those months/years when she was doing the same whilst you were breastfeeding and telling you to feed the children off a small portion as well where was your DH? (or his BiL by the sound of it). Why was he not standing up for you?

Roomster101 · 07/05/2017 11:51

Is it an age thing? I'm 50 this year so pretty old but I've never done this. Everyone gets exactly the same portion size and gets told if you want more to just help yourself. I can't get my head around deciding how much food someone is allowed.

Same here. My in-laws much bigger than me and do eat more but the polite thing is to either put food in the centre of the table and let everyone help themselves or give everyone the same amount and then ask everyone if they want more. i.e. treat everyone the same whether male or female. I am amazed that so many posters seem to feel otherwise...

Moussemoose · 07/05/2017 11:52

Your MIL attempted to humiliate you not the other way round. Good hosts look after their guests. She was wrong on several counts.

My MIL who is 80, always comments on my weight, I am not overweight, but still find it humiliating. My MIL comments on the weight of every woman she talks about.

WorknameJimEllis · 07/05/2017 11:53

Actually I've changed my mind

YAB massively U

Because now I want a cooked breakfast and we have nothing suitable in the house

Grrrr

(That is my stomach rumbling) enjoy your epic pub lunch. :)

user1491572121 · 07/05/2017 11:53

Evans with all due respect size 18 IS fat. It's ridiculous of you to say that when OP has clearly mentioned that she is in fact, obese.

But it's by the by. What matters here is the OP's feelings have been hurt by MIL. That's what the thread is about. OP feeling judged.

flippinada · 07/05/2017 11:53

Lurker you handled it perfectly imo. She's not humiliated, she's angry that you called on her on it. Let her get on with it.

I can understand why you want to leave but do like the idea of going to out to lunch and ostentatiously ordering extra!

Notmyrealname85 · 07/05/2017 11:54

Is there a money issue? My parents used to do this simply because they couldn't afford getting food in, so the girls so as not to offend would agree to take smaller portions (is shit, I know). Ok probably unlikely...

The irony btw of serving you teeny portions of a fry up! If she's arsey about people's weight i'd suggest she switches everyone to bloody fruit! I would've gone with four bits of bacon, beans, hash browns, an egg or two... Toast with jam after :) fresh coffee!!

Also stayed with relatives who serve up nothing - this is when I was a size 8 - I thought I was going to die after a few days of it Shock

ENFJ · 07/05/2017 11:55

evansovalpies The OP has gone it seems but size 18 is fat Confused
MIL still a bad host but telling yourself that size 18 is not fat comes off a bit delusional.

itsmine · 07/05/2017 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 07/05/2017 11:55

But, itsmine, the host has humiliated the OP over her weight. It doesn't matter that she served the same portion to herself and sil, the OP asked for more and was told no.

StandardNameHere · 07/05/2017 11:55

Your mil sounds a bit ridiculous but I think it would be slightly dramatic to leave over an argument about food.
It's just a meal, none of you are going to starve because you had a small portion.
I wouldn't have eaten a big breakfast if I was going for lunch but lots of people do (everyone's appetite is different!) so if it bothered me I would have expected DH to split his or say something to his mum, not just sit there.
I personally would just keep drumming it in that both you and DH have equal portions so please could you plate up extra. Next time, offer to help cook so you can do portion control

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 11:55

I've had a word with DH about him being more supportive. The problem is he grew up with this shit so doesnt see it as wierd.

That's no excuse. You've already explained to him that it's weird.

Anyway, most normal people would look at their DP's plate and ask if they have enough, if the food difference was that great.

You've made your point now, so I'd go for lunch if I were you.

But if you don't, I don't think it's fair to drag the kids into it. Let them go and enjoy lunch with their Dad and the rest of the family.

CherylVole · 07/05/2017 11:55

you were rude - you needn't have done that. IMagine your kids partners doing that to you in 20 years time

I never have the same portion size as my H FWIW, if i did, i too would be a size 18

Notmyrealname85 · 07/05/2017 11:56

Equally... I agree with a much earlier poster. As shit as MIL is being, you need to sigh and sit with her and spell it out (maybe you already have?). Don't need to justify it, just that you need more food. If she's arsey in future "and here's the bigger portions for the men...and OP" I'd smile and grab my damn food! She'll be the one looking increasingly mean in this, just be indifferent about her until you get your food!! Damn I'm hungry now...

grannytomine · 07/05/2017 11:56

I don't know how the men would enjoy lunch unless that was a very early breakfast. If we have a big cooked breakfast we would have a light lunch and our main meal later.

Having said that it isn't up to her what you eat or what size you are.

Original poster
ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:57

DH doesnt see it as weird. I have pointed it out to him before that its unusually old fashioned and IMO bloody rude. We had a huge row after the breastfeeding incident which resulted in us not staying there for a long time.

At home we have equal portions usually. He snacks more, i don't tend to.

OP posts:
user1491572121 · 07/05/2017 11:58

Plating food up for people is a habit if you're working class. It comes from making sure there's enough to go around.

It's all very well people saying "Just put it out so everyone can help themselves"

But that's no good when you're eaking out what you've got and trying to make plates look full.

OP, is MIL perhaps short of money?

MadisonAvenue · 07/05/2017 11:58

She says that you humiliated her? Yet she made that comment to you?

Leave.

ENFJ · 07/05/2017 11:58

Ah lurker, apologies, I didn't read your updates! Annoying to have an H who can eat what he likes and stay thin! But you MIL is a bad host. Stay calm and don't give her the satisfaction of flouncing. It'll be used against you if she's the type to turn this round and make it about HER humiliation then you must act like sweetness and light as that is the best only way to make her look bad.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/05/2017 11:58

Why are people saying the DH gives his plate of food? Like hell I'd swap my full plate of food for a smaller plate. But that's just me l.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 11:59

You're making excuses for your husband now.

He doesn't have to see it as weird, to glance over at your plate and ask if you have enough.

You had considerably less food than him. What's weird is that he wasn't willing to do anything about it.

grannytomine · 07/05/2017 12:00

We are about to have a fried breakfast for lunch, just waiting for GC to arrive as they love it. Had a slice of toast for breakfast.

rookiemere · 07/05/2017 12:01

All the women were offered this portion size - it says so in OP. Doesn't make it right, but does mean that it's not about the MIL singling out the OP.

I do feel that the OP was looking to be offended by the MIL. It would perhaps have been possible to ask DH nicely if you could have one of his sausages and a bit of bacon [ooh err missus] without stomping round and taking food off his plate.

I'm sorry to say this as well EvansOvalPies as I'm genuinely not one of those posters who decry everyone over a size 10 as lardy, but size 18 is by any normal standards "fat" as you're unlikely to be within the BMI limits which are fairly generous.

FWIW it seems as if MIL served up too much to the men rather than too little to the women. Why would they need 3 sausages at breakfast - the mind boggles - particularly if they are going out at lunch? Also does sex impact on taste? Baked beans are filling and low in calories ( shame I hate them) so surely the wimmin should get some of those.

rararaa · 07/05/2017 12:01

I could get over the portion thing but I don't think i could stick around after she claimed to be humiliated and made that comment!

If she makes any more comments I would respond a shocked look and "wow that was rude!" .

I also couldn't stand my OH not sticking up for me. The penis portions thing I can understand being part of his upbringing/ lack of observation skills but to let her speak to you like that is out of order!

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