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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' Angry This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:
EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 12:16

Ah, but maybe she is being made to feel fat, because her MiL constantly implies it, Worra. In any event, that is not the issue. OP is an adult, and therefore perfectly capable of deciding upon how much she chooses to eat. Had she said "Please, only plate me up a very small portion" then that would have been her choice. To have it foisted upon you when you are hungry, and told that you don't need to eat any more, is bloody rude. How I would hate to be such a host. It's controlling behaviour

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 12:16

Her dh has repeatedly let hiss wife go hungry at his own mothers house.

This. Her MiL was withholding food when the OP was breastfeeding FFS and simultaneously telling her to feed her DS from her small portion. Her DH didn't defend her even in that scenario.

In a normal scenario with normal people then taking food off someone's plate would be rude. The MiL lost any claim to high ground by restricting food and commenting on OP weight on this occasion and previously.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2017 12:18

That's what I thought *C8H8, that was unacceptable, and op dh should have said, op needs a bigger portion as she is breastfeeding, or no, ds can have off my plate, as there isen't enough on my wife's plate. You need to talk to your dh about this.

DesertSky · 07/05/2017 12:18

She sounds very sexist too. I expect she thinks men are the hunter gatherers and should be obeyed, and that women should know their place and do as they're told.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2017 12:19

He is not coming to his wife's defence, op had enough of this treatment by MIL.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 12:19

Your dh isn't coming out of this smelling of roses tbh

BlandWallpaper · 07/05/2017 12:19

You are obviously not being unreasonable but I have a little teeny weeny bit of sympathy for your MIL , shocking huh!

My adult DDs and I are all slim and don't eat big meals and my adult DS's and DH are also slim but eat big meals. The difference is quite stark. One of my DSs has a lovely girlfriend who is very overwieght and who also eats large meals. I don't see how I can plate up food to everyone when she is here without potentially causing upset. If I give her a big meal while giving myself and my DDs small meals it could look bad and if I gave her a small meal then it could also look bad. It's a lose lose situation. I deal with it by avoiding it and only making meals where people help themselves. I literally don't care what she eats, I only care that I don't upset her.

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 12:20

It's true, you weren't polite taking the food from your DH but I think after years of being given half rations I might crack as well. I'm normally on the side of politeness on these threads but not on this case.

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 12:21

Even from Lurker's opening post - who on earth cuts a piece of bacon in half to dish up on someone's plate? Would it even be worth the effort? Who got the fatty bit, and who got the lean bit? Utterly bizarre

ohtheholidays · 07/05/2017 12:22

Would I fuck take them out to lunch!

Your DH needs to be shown that this is not normal,though plenty of us that grew up in weird homes with parents who's behaviour was disgusting manage to grow up and act like normal adults and expect our DH's/DW's and DC to be treated the same as us and with respect,so I would challenge that being his reason!

After all are you willing to allow his Mothers behaviour towards you to carry on for the rest of her life because your DH chooses to ignore and accept it?!

Life is to short for that shit,he chose to marry you,I'm sure you didn't choose to live with his Mothers crap for the rest of your life.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2017 12:22

Yes I don't understand the half a piece of bacon either.

I assumed the OP just means a very small rasher.

FelineEleganza · 07/05/2017 12:23

The MIL and DH are both very U

Taking food if you didn't ask is also very U.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/05/2017 12:23

Cutting bacon in half is mad.

Surprised she didn't separate the eggs and give the man the yolk and the women the white.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 07/05/2017 12:25

Please update about the lunch op!!

AhYerWill · 07/05/2017 12:26

YABU to storm off home. You said your piece and made your point. Yes she is being unreasonable to feel humiliated and to serve such massively differing portion sizes, but you aren't going to starve on the portion she gave you by any means.

Perhaps the reason you're so offended is that there is a grain of truth in the fact that she has (very rudely) pointed out you eat too much. Yes she was wrong to police your eating and comment on your size, but this didn't start out as a personal slight did it? She and SIL also got the same portion. It's obviously an ingrained attitude rather than anything directed at you.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 07/05/2017 12:31

Even though as my pp I rarely serve myself as much as DH the difference in the amount served was staggering.

The men's portions were just ridiculously huge (3 sausages, 2 slices of bacon, black pudding, 2 eggs and beans). Giving the OP half a slice of bacon (I can't get over that) a sausage and a small bit of toast is just extreme.

If she cares so much about weight and health then the heart attack on a plate she served to the men ought to be more of a concern tbh.

The healthiest items available were the black pudding and beans - of which the OP got neither.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2017 12:32

When you have guests either let everyone help themselves and decide how much they wish to eat or give everyone the same size meal if you don't have enough to let them help themselves and need to portion it out.

You don't do what your mother in law did, it's really obnoxious and controlling behaviour and fair enough calling her out on it. However I agree, you've made your point, let it go now.

I don't think you should go out to lunch and act the pig, that's just silly and petty, eat what you please.

Itsnotmesothere · 07/05/2017 12:35

I don't agree that serving men slightly bigger portions is misogynistic. Generally speaking, they do need more food. However, serving a man a massive portion while the woman only gets a mouse portion would be. At home, I serve my significantly taller, bigger and more active husband a fair bit more than myself. I serve guests the same, regardless of gender but let everyone have option of seconds.

Sylvannas · 07/05/2017 12:36

*A 5'11" person at size 12 would be slightly worrying.

I'm 5ft11 and a size 12. I'm also a normal bmi.

I do get what you are saying though. If you are a healthy weight for your height, who cares what size you wear? Size 18 isn't necessarily fat if you are extremely tall.

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/05/2017 12:36

Ywnbu

But you will be thoroughly unreasonable by not posting various pics of your up coming lunch op
I need to eat vicariously through you this afternoon 😬

adfreesociety · 07/05/2017 12:36

A person who lacks hospitality can't expect visitors, except in a dire emergency. YANBU.

justkeepswimmingg · 07/05/2017 12:38

Well that's rude of her! It's absolutely none of her business how much you eat, and what size you are. Hate the old fashioned sexist portion sizes, sounds like she ever much lives in the past.

I have quite the opposite actually. I'm a size 10, and I find MIL gives me huge portions. I always comment saying how large it is, and that il never be able to eat all that. She still insists on serving me these huge meals. I try and eat as much as I can so not to be rude, and end up feeling so sick I can't move for an hour! I think she's trying to fatten me up.

Batteriesallgone · 07/05/2017 12:40

The problem is with your DH.

As far as I can see you suck it up and take secret snacks, or don't go. It's not worth all the PA shit, it's his family not yours.

MaQueen · 07/05/2017 12:41

I agree with navyandwhite.

I find your behaviour quite childish OP, to be honest. Why on Earth didn't you sort this out in an adult way???

In your shoes, I would already have praised your MIL's cooking ( a little charm does no harm), but explained that you have a healthy appetite and would it be okay for you and your DH to get a similar portion.

Simply no need for all this posturing, and teenage stropping and huffing and puffing.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/05/2017 12:41

I don't agree that serving men slightly bigger portions is misogynistic.

It is if you assume it on the woman's behalf rather than asking them what they want.

The difference in average food requirements for men and women in the UK are not very great - could easily be addressed in a single meal. The difference between individuals is much greater.

Feeding women less just because they are women is misogynistic. Giving a woman a smaller portion because she has asked for less is not.

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