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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have 'humiliated' my MIL

999 replies

ImALurkerNotAFighter · 07/05/2017 11:22

MIL has an awful tendency to do 'penis portions'. I'd avoided staying with her for a few years, as when breastfeeding she'd served up a tiny inadequate meal, then told me she hadn't done a plate for DS as 'he could just have some of mine' This was on top of sly little digs about my weight.
So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. DH usually goes alone but apparently as I'm free this weekend it would be rude for me not to come. They very kindly babysat the asleep DC while we went to the pub. This morning MIL does breakfast for us and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. DH, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no.
I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet DH to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.
MIL feels I have humiliated her, and 'at your size you clearly don't realise that was a proper breakfast '. I'm a size 18, so yes, fat.
I'm fuming and want to leave now. DH wants to stay and take them out for lunch as planned.
I know there are mumsnetters out there who believe the wimminz should subsist on a lettuce leaf and a sniff of meat, but sensible people of mumsnet WIBU? AIBU to pack the DC and leave?

OP posts:

TFPsa · 08/05/2017 11:03

The NHS recommends that men eat about 25% more than women so the portion discrepancies described by the OP do look a little odd.

But with family it's really important to de-escalate potential conflict whenever it rears its head. Getting "very cross" or "fuming" over breakfast portion size doesn't sound like textbook relationship management to me.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 08/05/2017 11:23

Wow, a lot of people with food issues here!

Back to the actual point of the thread - your MIL was incredibly rude and inhospitable, can't believe your DH didn't stand up for you! Not surprised you snapped and pinched his food.

Don't go there again, I wouldn't want to eat with someone who'd been rude about my weight. It is NOT her place to comment, as she is neither your GP nor someone you'd requested an opinion from.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2017 11:30

I do think this isn't so much about overweight people overeating or rude hosts dictating portion size, but more 2 people who don't like each other making passive aggressive points. Not much in it really

I agree with this but not that there is not much in it. I think they don't like each other and the mother in law was being deliberately aggressive.. Her comment to the op about her not knowing a correct portion size due to her dress size is beyond outrageous. It's so rude. And doubly so , plus highly ironic and lacking in self awareness considering she gave the men mega portions and is also over weight. So spiteful.

I don't know who started it, but based on this thread and what the op has said, the mother in law doesn't like her and is and always has been deliberately goady towards her. I wonder if she does the same to the other woman, the sister in law. As the two younger women sat at the opposite end of the lunch table and had a full roast and pudding, I'm going to guess yes, the mother in law treats neither woman well whilst treating the men like kings.

Bambambini · 08/05/2017 12:32

Today 08:52 Gwenhwyfar

" "As if it's up to her how much someone wants to eat."

It's her food to dole out though isn't it?"

seriously? Some folk are just making stupid arguments for the sake of it. Some if the statements here have been just too irrational and goady.

Chloe84 · 08/05/2017 13:14

Navy

If a man had done this there would be uproar and cries of LTB and that he was abusive.

So MIL wanted us to stay this weekend so she could spend time with the DC. This morning MIL does breakfast for me, my wife and SIL and BIL. I get 1 small sausage, 1 half piece of bacon, 1 egg and a small slice of dry toast. MIL and SIL have similar. My wife, FIL and BIL get 3 large sausages, 2 bacon, 2 eggs, beans and black pudding. I asked MIL if there was any more, she looked shocked and said no. I was very cross at this point and walked round the table, took half the sausage, black pudding and beans off a very quiet wife to even it up (we were both left with pretty equal quantities) and sat back down.

I've switched the sexes in OP's post and I still think OP was being reasonable.

NavyandWhite · 08/05/2017 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GwenStaceyRocks · 08/05/2017 13:44

I think there's a cultural and generational clash here. I have a friend who always plates up for guests. His DW doesn't. They have a big age gap and come from different cultures.
My DM would always plate up because we didn't have much and she was trying to ensure everyone got enough.
I don't really understand all this PA nonsense and scenes at the table.
If you're close enough family to make a big deal of taking food from your DH, you're close enough to help plate up and get the portion size you want.
If you feel like enough of a 'guest' that you can't help to plate up then I don't know any guest who would comment on their portion size.

reetgood · 08/05/2017 14:20

It's not a generational issue to plate up something three times smaller for those of the female gender at the table, and then make comments about people's weight.

That is called being rude.

Daytona79 · 08/05/2017 14:29

I don't think it's unreasonable to serve males a larger portion as there calorie intake is greater than a woman's , maybe she is worried for your health etc being overweight. If I had a family member who was overweight i wouldn't openly serve up a huge portion I would give them a normal one and to me what she served you was a suitable amount of food for breakfast.

reetgood · 08/05/2017 14:31

But why? Why would you get to control what someone eats, because of their appearance? Is there any other occasion where it's acceptable to do this? Should restaurants only serve smaller portions to their guests who they believe could lose a few pounds?

BaronessEllaSaturday · 08/05/2017 14:33

I don't think it's unreasonable to serve males a larger portion as their calorie intake is greater than a woman's

A small amount more for men is not unreasonable but when the men get three times as much it is incredibly unreasonable.

EvansOvalPies · 08/05/2017 14:40

This thread is going round in circles. My conclusion is that some people are simply too stupid to realise that the MiL was being rude. It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with whether she thought OP was overweight and was 'trying to help'. It is all to do with MiL being rude, controlling and an exceptionally poor host.

OP may be overweight (as she suggests herself). BUT she was hungry that morning, and it is not up to ANYONE to decide what another adult would like to eat. Most especially a host telling a guest.

I might invite some friends round for dinner next Saturday. I will set up the weighing scales, organise a height chart and ask them to wear a Fitbit, but tell me in advance what their TDEE (or whatever it is) values are. Then I will calculate what I think they should eat according to their age, gender, culture, weight, size, level of exercise - not forgetting to ask what the size of their breakfasts or lunches were. I wonder how that will pan out.

Alternatively, they will come round, they can eat however much they choose, regardless of all of the above, and we will all have a jolly old time.

I think I know which of those two options I will plump for.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/05/2017 14:44

The crux of it is, not the differences in calories and builds of males and females, but what MIL did was rude. And her constant jibes on op weight. Its op decision on her calorie intake, it is rude of MIL to comment on her weight, and to serve grossly disproportionate portion sizes for the males and females. Fair enough dish up your own plate like that, but have the manners to ask what guests would like.

Roomster101 · 08/05/2017 14:44

I don't even think a small amount more is reasonable. Just because some women are a lot smaller than their spouses and have much lower calorific requirements it doesn't mean they should extrapolate that to everyone. DH probably needs a couple hundred calories more than me a day but he gets that from a pint of beer and/or a snack. There is certainly no need to have different meal portions and it is definitely not something a host should do.

NavyandWhite · 08/05/2017 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomster101 · 08/05/2017 14:48

Yes, the MIL was probably just being rude and controlling. Given the fact that she is also overweight, I think her behaviour may also stem from the fact that she wants to share her diet misery. My mother used to do that to some extent as we all had to eat "diet food" when she was trying to lose weight but at least she didn't treat my brothers differently to me.

AgitatedGuava · 08/05/2017 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chloe84 · 08/05/2017 15:15

AgitatedGuava

Your indignation that a woman could go to the buffet at a carvery to help herself to food after her husband had already helped himself made me properly laugh.

What else is the point of a buffet?

AgitatedGuava · 08/05/2017 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENFJ · 08/05/2017 15:35

Did the OP come back!?

How did the lunch go?

Personally I think it'd be funny next time she invites the MIL over, to put everybody's plate down and then put a plate of lettuce in her MIL's place, but then 10 seconds later say ''joke, joke! I wouldn't" and produce her real plate. Keep it light.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 08/05/2017 16:58

Blimey it's all kicking off. Again

BeeThirtythree · 08/05/2017 17:03

If you had a guest in your house you would not serve half cups of tea/coffee, you would not make them sit on a certain sofa/armchair only...don't do it with food! It's rude, your Mil is rude and YANBU OP.

Chloe84 · 08/05/2017 17:04

Agitated I don't think that's what you said. Read your post. Maybe it was unfortunate wording. Thanks for the laugh. Genuinely.

EmpressoftheMundane · 08/05/2017 17:52

I don't think the Op needed to have exactly the same as her husband. I think the gluttonous portion the men were given vs the inadequate portion the women were given was the point.

JudeeLevinson · 08/05/2017 18:05

A half cup of tea would probably be alright with some people, and definitely not stupid. ;)

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