Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
MommaGee · 08/05/2017 00:43

I love a good baby shower and I've also talked friends out of organizing one for a friend who I KNEW would just walk out of it. Telling them all top by her a present anyway might be week intentioned but really does come across as the most grabby.

"Guinesses BFF doesn't want to spend a few hours with you but she likes presents so let's am randomly buy her one"

emmyrose2000 · 08/05/2017 00:44

and it worked out ok-ish

What does that mean exactly?

Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 00:49

emmy she wasn't offended I wasn't there and she had been talked down A LOT from her original plans. She knew from my reaction that I wasn't impressed but she didn't have an audience so wasn't humiliated like she would have been if it had been in front of everyone.

OP posts:
29Palms · 08/05/2017 01:39

Someone once organised a surprise birthday party for me. At my own house, with a BBQ in my garden. I didn't know a thing about it until people started turning up. Of course I looked a mess and so did the house and garden.

Later I discovered that the organiser had "banned" my neighbour from inviting certain of my friends.

The truth of the matter was that the organiser had used my garden to host her own party as she does not have a garden of her own. Is it possible to sink any lower?

NightWanderer · 08/05/2017 01:49

I think you handled it perfectly OP! Glad you got it all sorted.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 08/05/2017 06:47

I think you were quite nasty to drop her like that. The time to make your feelings clear to your friend was after attending the party.
Would you have died to just attend for an hour and then leave? You sound like a child who didn't want to go and kicked up a tantrum and got your way. Seriously hope she never does anything nice for you again.

C0untDucku1a · 08/05/2017 06:52

What did you do about the gifts op?

virtualinsanity · 08/05/2017 06:52

Well done OP. I was worried that the radio silence meant you had just gone. You handled it well, especially telling her but not making a scene about it in public. Hopefully she will think again before trying to pull a stunt like this on someone in the future.

To all those defending the friend, she had been told, repeatedly that OP didn't want this and would hate it. Why would she go ahead anyway?

I made it clear that if any sort of stripper appeared at my hen do I would be out the door. (Not a prude but I used to see them at work for other hen dos and it's always cringey and just awful). My friends respected that.

FrancisCrawford · 08/05/2017 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/05/2017 07:28

You've got a choice. If you really don't want to go you could let on that you've found out and you're not happy about it, tell all the people who you feel would be invited, "I've said that I'd hate this and I will not be attending," and give the the organiser a right ear-bashing, "How dare you", and stamp your feet.

Or you could give in gracefully, smile politely and you never know, it might be more enjoyable than you think.

The middle way would be to make sure that you are nowhere near the venue, go out incognito so that your whereabouts aren't discovered until the event has passed. Either way, your friend has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this, would you really want to put her out?

dudsville · 08/05/2017 07:30

Well done op!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 07:43

Good, sounds like you handled it well. YOu didn't have to put up with it, and you got to tell her that you weren't happy that she had planned it, without publicly humiliating her.
Hope she's learnt that people can't be coerced into "enjoying" themselves in a way that they actually hate.

LadyPW · 08/05/2017 07:45

Good stuff OP!

guinnessgirl · 08/05/2017 07:50

Well done, OP. Sounds like you handled it just right. I'm glad you didn't have to go through it.

To everyone calling me names and handing me my are on a plate - thanks. OK, yes, it was completely batshit, inappropriate and rude. I'm a fucking selfish cow. Happy? Ffs. I was just trying to do something nice for my friend. I fucked up. Now please lay off me as you've made me cry.

noeffingidea · 08/05/2017 07:56

appleofmyeye what's nice about throwing someone a surprise party when you already know they don't like them?

SunnyCoco · 08/05/2017 08:00

So you didn't bother seeing your friends and just got hold of the gifts afterwards 🤔 Nice

PunjanaTea · 08/05/2017 08:05

Well she did have an audience who saw her gesture being rejected you just weren't there to witness it.

I know there are a lot of people on here who think you did the right thing, maybe this is just an area I lack empathy in,or I'm a doormat but I'm not sure why hurting someone who is trying to do something nice for you, just because they are being nice in the wrong way, to stop you being a bit uncomfortable deserves a pat on the back.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2017 08:06

So you didn't bother seeing your friends and just got hold of the gifts afterward

This. Did you write that correctly? You didn't go but then organised later go go get the presents people had brought you? Surely not?

Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 08:06

Sunny they're in my DMs and not with me and I have been told who got what so I will be thanking them today. I will be seeing the people who were there in the next week or two anyway so can talk to them all individually. They knew I didn't want it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 08:07

No No No I didn't arrange that, sorry if it came across that way! I sorted seeing Dsis and it was meant to be just her, organiser tagged along to 'surprise' me!

OP posts:
Garlicansapphire · 08/05/2017 08:09

I'd go to see all my friends. And have fun.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 08/05/2017 08:09

**Guinness - Ignore the awful comments. Some people can be so rude to someone they do not know and should be ashamed of themselves for not thinking about how their comments could impact others. I don't think what you did is as abhorant as these anonomous warriors make out. Personally, it is not something I would do... but then I do not have friends who do not like to be centre of attention at pregnancy times. Plus you know your friend, and the others had a choice to say yes or no to your offer. Anyone who gave you a present and then moaned about it afterwards is the batshit one in my opinion. Go wash your face, have a drink and try to forget about it. If it is still bothering you in a day or two, have a chat with your friend and see what she says. Chin up!

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 08/05/2017 08:12

A non-alcoholic drink...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 08:14

But it WASN'T "trying to do something nice for the OP", was it, because the OP didn't want it, would have hated it and had made that clear to the "friend" who then went ahead and organised it ANYWAY.

THAT is not anyone's definition of "nice", surely?!

SunnyCoco · 08/05/2017 08:16

You're Happy enough to accept the presents then!
I think you've behaved pretty terribly but you don't seem to care so no point to the thread really.