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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 08:18

What's the OP supposed to do, Sunny? Say to each friend - "thanks for your gift but I don't want it?" Don't you think that would be SPECTACULARLY rude?

The Op doesn't want to jinx anything by having presents and celebrations prior to the safe arrival of her baby. I know other people who would feel that way, and with really good reason, so it's pretty fucking rude to ride roughshod over that.

WomblingThree · 08/05/2017 08:19

Yeah I think it's fair enough to hate surprise parties, and even not to attend, but to accept the gifts is beyond tacky.

PunjanaTea · 08/05/2017 08:26

She could say thanks I'm going to store these at my mums because I'm superstitious. Which is exactly what she has done!!

guinnessgirl · 08/05/2017 08:28

Thank you where Flowers I truly can see that what I did was pretty bonkers and bad form, I can. It just hurt to have people telling me so bluntly and calling me nasty names. I will indeed go on with my day and keep my head up Smile

Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 08:29

I didn't think the gifts would be there, I (stupidly maybe) assumed they would be taken home by people and if they wanted to give them after the birth receive them then. I didn't know organiser would take them up to hand over!

OP posts:
diddl · 08/05/2017 08:40

So everyone knew that you wouldn't want it but went ahead anyway? Why??

If they thought that lunch then quietly handing over gifts would work then why didn't someone do that?

Or leave stuff at your mum's & meet for lunch?

Seems a shame that you missed a lunch with friends.

ohfourfoxache · 08/05/2017 08:47

I'd distance myself from the organiser in a massive way tbh.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 08:47

I have to say I can't understand why your friends brought gifts if they all knew you didn't want any part of this, Rugger. What were they thinking?

Ceto · 08/05/2017 08:50

Of course accepting the gifts isn't tacky. It would be much nastier to reject them. If any of the donors was so offended that they didn't want to give anything after all, obviously they would have taken them back.

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 08:51

Glad its all sorted Rugger.

I hope your friend realised that trying to force someone to do something they would hate is not doing them a favour as all your other friends seem to appreciate more than she did.

It's not your fault your friend collected all the presents. I would have told her where to go and that I could give you my present myself thanks.

If any of my friends had organised something I specifically said I hated and didn't want I would wonder if they cared a jot about me at all. When someone does that it's all about them not the person they claim to be doing it for its purely selfish "look at me" actions.

Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 08:53

Thumb I think everyone was just in a awkward position of not wanting to annoy/upset either of us and being stuck in the middle.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 08/05/2017 08:54

I don't understand some of these posts. Pre baby showers people were given presents. Is there a law now that you must attend a baby shower if you are to receive gifts ?
as for surprise parties no, just no

diddl · 08/05/2017 08:54

"I can't understand why your friends brought gifts if they all knew you didn't want any part of this,"

I know!

Seems as if they were more concerned with not upsetting the "organiser".

biffyboom · 08/05/2017 08:57

I really feel for you.
I have always made it clear i hate being the centre of attention, and would detest a suprise party, or any party, held for me, although i love to attend parties for other people.
My horror at turning up to a pub for a quiet drink with close friends, seeing balloons through the windows, had me stood outside tearing up and wanting to run past. I didn't because i'd feel too guilty, and i put on a smile and drank my way through it.
But i felt betrayed by those closest to me, and never looked at them the same way.
Seems a bit dramatic, but i suffer from social anxiety quite badly.

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 09:00

Punjana
That doesn't even make sense.
The friend was NOT trying to do something in a way to make op less uncomfortable. She planned a whole baby shower shit storm in the disguise of a lunch meet up. OPs friends stopped her but OP wasn't to know. She didnt go because she knew her friend wouldnt have just organised lunch and she was right

Forcing something on someone is a crap thing to do it's not being a friend at all.

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 09:03

Buffy
That's awful.
We need to stop this idea that women have to suck it up because we are responsible for ensuring everybody else is happy and putting everyone else's feelings before ours. Why the hell should we ?

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 09:05

Biffy (Stupid auto correct!)

Crumbs1 · 08/05/2017 09:09

Honesty is best policy. Always.
Talk to friend explain you know and your hatred of such events and that you don't want it to happen on your behalf. Tell her you'd love to go,for lunch but you cringe at the idea of being in a spotlight. That gives her time to cancel.

GerdaLovesLili · 08/05/2017 09:12

Ugh. Well done for not going. If the gifts are at your Mum's and you know who has given them, then you can send a "thank you but I won't be opening this kind gift until after our baby is safely with us. " card/message/text to your friends.

Having had several late mc's I know how it feels to be forced to look happy about lots of adorable, tiny heart-breaking gifts whilst simultaneously crying on the inside about the possibility of never getting to use them (again).

Anyone who wants to put a "friend" in that situation does not really have your best interests at heart.

welovepancakes · 08/05/2017 09:16

Guiness girl is getting a hard time here. I think she meant well & she says her friend liked it. Other people were under no obligation to hand over presents

MadMags · 08/05/2017 09:17

I would send:

"Thank you so much for the thoughtful gift. I wasn't expecting anything and I wish I'd seen you to receive it. I won't be opening anything till after baby has arrived so let's arrange for you to meet baby and I'll open your gift at the same time. Thank you again."

Or something.
So you're making it clear that you appreciate them, you don't want yet another gift, and you're not giving "friend" the chance to revel in glory about the whole thing.

PunjanaTea · 08/05/2017 09:18

What doesn't make sense?

OP you'll get loads of reassurance that you did the right thing here because it's mumsnet and generally people hate baby showers and surprises.

Personally I think you're being a bit overly dramatic and should have just gone for a nice lunch with your friends, who just wanted to wish you wel.

Iamastonished · 08/05/2017 09:20

Crumbs1 read the OP's updates.

guinnessgirl · 08/05/2017 09:21

Op, I think madmags' suggestion is perfect.

C0untDucku1a · 08/05/2017 09:22

red the op said she hates baby showers because of the giving of gifts before the baby is born. She said she doesnt like the idea of receiving gifts for a baby who hasn't yet arrived. So she refused to go to the party, that all the invited guests were already attending, but took the gifts home.

Ops friend shouldnt have arranged a baby shower. although a meal is not what i would call a baby shower anyway. Were there games? But op could have dealt with things a lot better.

People had made the effort to met to see her before the baby arrives.