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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2017 12:44

Is she stupid enough to lie to you on the phone and say "oh no, there won't be any of that, it's just lunch?" Because if you think there's even a hint of that chance, then I'd be very clear on the phone that IF she pulls even the slightest stunt, you'll be out of there immediately, saying you don't feel well, so she'd better shut down any ideas of "forced jollity" RIght Now.

Good luck - you might already be there, if you've gone - hope you either decided not to or "friend" gave her head a wobble and realised that she was being a shit "friend".

NightWanderer · 07/05/2017 13:00

Just lunch with friends and a few small presents would be nice, I think. Games and shit like that... no thank you!

SparklyMagpie · 07/05/2017 13:11

Hope you speak to your " friend " OP and you don't go. I'd be livid.

Also worry she might try to play it down and say it's "only lunch " stand your ground op x

confuugled1 · 07/05/2017 13:37

Wondering if you're there and enduring hell or a nice quiet lunch, or if you skipped out of it altogether...

Bit late but I'd have rung the restaurant to see if the 'friend' had left instructions for anything, any decorations or games or so on... and asked them for help to say that that sort of thing isn't allowed. Would also have given you an idea as to what the friend was planning.

I'd also have taken a black bin bag/big ikea bag/ etc to put the presents in without opening them. Just firmly state that it's bad luck to open them before the baby is born if they want you to open them. And that it doesn't matter whether they see you opening them or not - if they want to then they can come and see you and the baby once you're up and about after the baby is born.

good luck...

TheySayIamparanoid · 07/05/2017 15:53

As a PP said this morning, your friend wants one!
She's probably organised you the kind she'd like herself but maybe toned down a bit..
So when everyone sees how wonderful she is for doing this 'for you', they'll want to do it for her!

GiraffesAndButterflies · 07/05/2017 17:30

How did it go OP?

guinnessgirl · 07/05/2017 19:12

Blimey. That escalated quickly! Yes, in retrospect it was a bit batshit. In my defense, through - I didn't demand anything from people. I got in touch with them, explained that friend was too shy and embarrassed to be the centre of a full on baby shower, and politely suggested that if they wanted to send a small gift for a quiet no fuss presentation, they'd be welcome to do so. But that it was fine if they didn't want to. Some did, some didn't, and that was just fine! I just (perhaps naively) wanted to do something nice for my friend to make her feel loved. Nobody was offended. I was just trying to make the point that real friends take each others wishes and feelings seriously Hmm

C0untDucku1a · 07/05/2017 19:20

Did op go to lunch?

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 07/05/2017 19:50

No guinnessgirl, just no

Kittykatclaws · 07/05/2017 19:56

How did you get on OP?

BenjaminLinus · 07/05/2017 20:17

Any news OP?

PeaFaceMcgee · 07/05/2017 20:26

Why were you the one to do the royal 'presenting' of the gifts Guinness ? Who do you think you are?

You took away the pleasure of gift-giving from her other friends who were probably to polite and embarrassed to say no to your ridiculously self-service plan.

Not the done thing at all. Bad form.

mummabubs · 07/05/2017 20:35

I have the same dilemma OP!! I've been more than clear that I don't want a baby shower (I respect others' rights to them but like you I hate the very idea!!) One of my sisters has given me the heads up that sister-in-law is busy planning me one... she knows I don't want one at all! My sisters have tried to do damage control and explain that I don't want it but my mum thinks I should just go anyway as it will make sister-in-law / others happy. I've said I'll do afternoon tea, that's it! (Figure that doesn't have to be as intense as the typical shower can be). Why can't people just respect that just because they loved having a baby shower not everyone else wants it!? Hope your situation is bearable for you! X

MadMags · 07/05/2017 20:35

No, guinnessgirl that was dreadful behaviour from you.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/05/2017 20:36

Nobody was offended, you do realise you were bitched about big time behind your back? Your behaviour really would have made an excellent thread, truly batshit! I bet your friend had to contact everyone to apologise

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 07/05/2017 20:51

guinnessgirl I would like to request that you start a thread about what you did so that you can get honest opinions.

titchy · 07/05/2017 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SheldonsSpot · 07/05/2017 20:55

Anyone telling me that if I wanted to give a gift to a friend, then I had to do it via them - a third party - would have been told in no uncertain terms to fuck right off.

I'm genuinely surprised that anyone passed a gift to you guiness, it's the most bonkers and utterly glory-seeking behaviour on your part.

Beelzebop · 07/05/2017 21:11

What's happened? X

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 07/05/2017 22:13

guinnessgirl Sun 07-May-17 09:50:19

I have a friend who, when she was pregnant, made it clear that she wouldn't like a baby shower because she hates being the centre of attention in a big group and would be very uncomfortable in this situation. I knew that she liked gifts, though, and was preparing for baby. So I arranged for everyone who would have attended a baby shower to send a gift for her to me, and then I quietly arranged a low key afternoon for the two of us where I presented her with all the gifts and made some nice cakes etc for us to enjoy together. She loved it. I did this because I love her and because I knew her well enough to know that it was the "centre of attention" thing that bothered her.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 07/05/2017 22:54

nobody was offended

I highly doubt that. Hmm

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 07/05/2017 23:05

Titchy that's really harsh. I agree that Guinessgirls plan was ahem, unusual, but there's no need for name calling. As she has pointed out she didn't hold a gun to anyone's head to take part!

InfiniteCurve · 07/05/2017 23:10

I think what Guinessgirl did was a really nice,kind thing and not in anyway batshit!

NightWanderer · 08/05/2017 00:31

Oh, come on. It was quite batshit!

Why not just get together for lunch and at the end pass over the presents? I think that would have been a nice thing to do.

Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 00:39

Okay not to lower what people think of me but, I'm a coward and didn't phone. I messaged saying I couldn't make it and to go ahead without me. I arranged to meet the person who had travelled (Dsis) afterwards and organiser friend was with her with the paraphernalia and gifts. There wasn't an audience so I got to say 'why would you have done this' and it worked out ok-ish. She had told everyone there might be a last minute move to DMs house to surprise meConfused but that was shot down. Everyone else knew I would hate it and went along because they were stuck in between offending both of us.

OP posts:
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