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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not showing up to surprise party.

319 replies

RuggerHug · 07/05/2017 08:56

If someone has been very clear over the years that they despise the idea of a certain type of party held in their honour, or in fact in general this type of party and someone goes ahead and organises one anyway. Is the 'guest of honour' then a total bitch if they make excuses and don't go on the day rather than pretend to be happy about it? I know pulling on big girl pants and looking at it as 'but they meant well' is what should be done but how bad exactly would it be to make an excuse? SadBlush

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 08/05/2017 09:24

Well done OP - good to see someone standing up for themselves!
I also think Madmags suggestion is spot on.

KingLooieCatz · 08/05/2017 09:24

Madmags has nailed it.

1bighappyfamily · 08/05/2017 09:24

Well done for not going OP. I wouldn't have either and made it VERY clear that I didn't want any such nonsense.

DD1 was the result of a long road through infertility and after a couple of MCs. And I've never liked the idea of buying for the baby before it's here (I'm Irish and think it might be more of a thing there).

When I was expecting DD1, I had a small packet of nappies, two bottles and some ready made formula just in case BF didn't work, one pack of babygros and vests, and some muslins and two cot blankets. We had a moses basket which stayed in DMIL's until a week before my due date and then went into our loft where it stayed until DH got it down when I was in hospital. The pram was in my neighbour's house (still boxed) and we did have the car seat, in case it needed to be grabbed at 2am. That was it. I refused to have anything else in the house. DSIL brought a bag of hand me downs when I was pregnant. I explained why I didn't want them and to her credit, she brought them home without question and then brought them back when the baby arrived.

It's massively disrespectful of your friend to not listen to your views on this.

Funnily enough, I have a friend now who I met while we were pregnant and she had EVERYTHING you could need for the first two years. She laughs about the fact that both of our children have survived despite me having almost nothing!!

TopDoggityDog · 08/05/2017 09:24

I'm glad it worked out ok.

I was once given a surprise leaving party by my friends when I moved overseas. I literally didn't have a clue until I walked into my friends house. I was 😧😮😲 It must have taken some organising as there were friends from all different areas of my life - I don't know how they got in touch with each other. My first thought was 'oh shit this is awful' but then I just decided I might as well enjoy it and I did.

One thing that helped was that the organiser suggested if people wanted to get a gift that i would probably prefer it if it was very inexpensive so I ended up getting things like a beer mat from the local pub which I thought was perfect.

I would have hated a baby shower though as I don't like receiving things for the babies until after they are born. 🤷🏻‍♀️ They are also really naff.

1bighappyfamily · 08/05/2017 09:24

Nice MadMags. I like that.

Wotshudwehave4T · 08/05/2017 09:27

Well done OP, sounds like friend has skin made of hide, even tagging with your Dsis to give you the presents she'd collected from everyone!!
Mad mags wording for a note to send to each giver is perfect. hope yesterday wasn't too stressful, put your feet up and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Lancelottie · 08/05/2017 09:27

Learn from it, Punjana.

Some people die inside at this sort of social event. If you don't suffer from any sort of social anxiety yourself, I expect you do find it hard to understand. Think instead of being forced to be on stage without rehearsal, or in an exam without revision, or on a diving board without knowing how to swim - does that give you an inkling?

If you well-meaningly organise an event for someone without realising that they might hate it, that's one thing; but never, never organise one for someone who has already told you it will hurt them.

PunjanaTea · 08/05/2017 09:35

It was lunch with her friends that she was going to go to until she found out it was a baby shower.

Maybe I lack empathy because I do feel anxious a lot of the time, but I just get on with things because otherwise I'd never leave the house and wouldn't have any friends. Maybe I just think it's normal to feel like this but do things anyway rather than hide away.

redshoeblueshoe · 08/05/2017 09:39

Count I understood that but some people are saying she shouldn't accept any presents because she didn't go to the baby shower.
I always thought it was normal to give gifts after the baby arrives.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 09:41

PUnjana - do you have any children yourself? Do you understand why some people might not want to have gifts prior to having the baby? Does this really not change your views on this?
I could be more specific but I don't want to on this thread. Other people have alluded to why some people don't want to have gifts early.

diddl · 08/05/2017 09:47

"Do you understand why some people might not want to have gifts prior to having the baby? "

But Op is OK with stuff-as long as it is unopened & not in her house.

I see where Punjana is coming from tbh.

Op could have made sure that the presents were taken to her mum's & had lunch with her friends.

PunjanaTea · 08/05/2017 09:47

Yes I have and I do understand why people don't want gifts but the OP got them anyway and took them to her mothers as she could have done if she'd gone to lunch.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 09:50

Have you never been in the situation where someone pressures you to open a present immediately? I have. It's hard to resist that sort of pressure.

Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 09:50

MadMags that's wonderfully phrased and exactly what I want to say, thank you!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2017 09:51

And you're both kind of missing the point that it was meant to be a surprise party, so how could the OP have arranged for gifts to have been taken anywhere prior to the event?

dailyshite · 08/05/2017 09:53

If I received the "i wish I'd seen you" in an email / text, I'd think FFS make your mind up - we bought you presents, turned up, you didn't and now you wish you'd seen us?

Send the rest of it but just say I'm looking forward to seeing you soon

diddl · 08/05/2017 09:57

Because in this case Op knew & could have said something!

She chose not to-entirely up to her of course.

I would have been really pissed off with the "friend"-& the others!

My desire to have lunch with them may have won out & I might have looked for a compromise-especially if it's difficult to get everyone together.

Or I might have done what Op did!

Meeting up after the baby & opening stuff then seems like a nice idea.

PunjanaTea · 08/05/2017 10:00

Well she could have given them to her sister and she could have taken them to her mums.

Oh look that's exactly what did happen Wink

I just wanted to make the point that following bolshy mumsnet advice on certain topics will sometimes upset your friends and isn't always a reflection of the politest course of action,and whilst it may get you back slaps on mumsnet in real life where people follow the more usual social norms people are going to think you're a bit rude.

Original poster
RuggerHug · 08/05/2017 10:07

Diddl when I heard inclings of it weeks ago I stated in no uncertain terms that I did not want it and I understood that the idea was stopped then. I only found out yesterday that it was still going ahead and posted here because I didn't know what to do or say about it that late.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 10:10

Punjana
Try
OP Did nitbtske the presents anywhere her friend Did as she had already planned to ambush OP with a baby shower at her mum's house. OPs other friends stopped her as they knew she would hate it. Friend had all the crap with her to go ott with.

OP Didn't know about the presents till later.

Again organising something you KNOW your friend will HATE is a shit thing to do no matter how many balloons you add to it.

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 10:11

Did not take

ClementineWardrobe · 08/05/2017 10:12

One thing I noticed when I was about to turn forty was how many people asked me what I wanted, and then when I proceeded to tell them, replied 'oh no that's really boring, I/we were going to do/buy XX ?!'
In the end I just started saying 'why does everyone keep asking me what I'd like if you've all decided to do what you want or what suits you anyway?'
It shut a few folks up.....
Well handled OP.

LadyPW · 08/05/2017 10:15

I can't understand why your friends brought gifts if they all knew you didn't want any part of this,
I'm guessing that most of them probably thought Hmm to the idea but were talked into it by "friend" claiming that OP would love the idea really & figured that "friend" would know her better than they did. When OP didn't turn up they prob then realised what a twat "friend" was but figured they'd better hand the gift over anyway. Can't believe (well, can but...) that she then turned up to surprise OP with DSis. Shock It really is all about her isn't it?!

cooldarkroom · 08/05/2017 10:22

Too late:
But it wasn't a Surprise was it? you got wind of it, so it just doesn't add up. You had time to look nice, mentally prepare yourself.... whatever.
taken the organiser aside, & said once & for all. You weren't happy, & not to ever try that stunt again.

Had you arrived to a "Surprise" situation you could have turned around & left. & faced the fall out later.

The gesture was one of pure friendship, (albeit misconceived )
I hate surprise situations with a vengeance,

but as I say, this wasn't a Surprise.

Willow2017 · 08/05/2017 10:37

cooldarkroom

Friend knew she didnt want one.
Friend orgainised a lunch but planned on ambushing the op with a full on shower at her mums. Therefor she lied to OP from the start.
OPs friends refused as they knew OP wouldnt want it. OP didnt know this so didnt go to the lunch as she knew her friend had planned something she didnt want. Thats her choice not to be bullied into something her friend wanted, not OP.

What give friend the right to run roughshod over OP's feelings? Its not being nice, its saying "I have done this for you despite you not wanting it so you should be grateful and suck it up for my benefit, as my feelings are more important than yours."

OP arranged to meet her DSIS and 'friend' invited herself along to 'surprise' OP.

Friend is a selfish git, the whole thing is all about her.