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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to friends birthday meal with a grand title of £16

245 replies

user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 07:14

I'm on income support. I simply don't have any more money until Monday which I need for job interviews anyway.

I have no cash leftover each month.

My best friend is having his birthday party at a restaurant and the prices are between £7-£13 for a main meal.

It will cost me £5 for the train. So I will then have £10 for the meal. This means no splitting he bill, no drink, no tip, no being able to pay for things 'for the table'.

I've had to do it for years as I've been a desperate job seeker for most of my life. I have it down to a fine art. But i am worried people will order things and expect me to contribute such as bottles of water.

We never ever split the bill for the table and my friend orders about £100 worth of food and drink and so he insists it's only fair to pay for ourselves.

I wish we were going to good old weatherspoons or something but this restaurant was his choice.

I've perfected drinking tap water after the meal so no one knows I'm too skint to buy a drink. I'm leaving to get the 11 o clock train anyway.

I arrive at 7:30pm.

So, am I being insane? Would it be better to not go at all? I can't meet them afterwards for drink as they won't be finished until around 9pm and I'd only have an hour and a half before my train.

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 05/05/2017 12:18

Not read the full thread, but I really think you need to be honest with your friend. If he's a good friend then he will get it, even if he's never been in your financial position.

You say it's something you will do because you feel you need to, but that you'll find it stressful. If so, don't go! He should get that - good friends cut each other some slack!

MySordidCakeSecret · 05/05/2017 12:20

It's really hard. I'm also on income support and have £9 til monday! Ultimately you have to weigh up your options and do whichever will make you happiest I guess, for some that would be some security and saving themselves the stress, for others it would be making the best of it.

Nestofvipers · 05/05/2017 12:21

I will never have any savings on this income. So savings £15 really isn't necessary.

If you saved £15 every week you'd have £780 in savings over the course of a year. Even if you could only save half that, you'd still have almost £400 which is a reasonable amount compared to nothing.

theres no point in saving £15. I'd need it the next week for something. Isn't that EXACTLY the point of saving the £15, so that you've got it the next week should you need it for something?

Cheby · 05/05/2017 12:26

I've been in your situation OP, when I was younger. I think I would go. But I would explain to friend first that I couldn't split the bill and check he was ok with it. I'd also probably try and sneak on the train without a ticket to save £5. Don't know if people still do this but we certainly did when young and poor.

Specialmeasuresofgin · 05/05/2017 12:27

People still do WorraLiberty
I posted a thread a few weeks ago under my old name moaning about school giving me a few days notice to pay a large deposit for a trip dd would like to go on and got offers. I refused with kind thanks obviously as it was a thread more about lack of notice and not to beg.

Open if he's your best friend you have to be honest with them.
I have a friend who doesn't understand what it is to be poor

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 12:28

I wouldn't accept ANY offer of money.

If you've never been on income support you don't know what it's like.

Anyone saying to save on income support is on another planet Grin

Thanks for the suggestions. I will decide what to do tomorrow.

OP posts:
Doublevodkaredbull · 05/05/2017 12:31

OP I have very limited means but I save. Even if it's pennies I save it. I don't socialise either because I can't afford to but in your shoes I would save the £15. I don't understand why you can't see that.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2017 12:31

That's both nice and worrying at the same time Special.

OP, lots of us here have been on income support at some time in our lives.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 12:34

I don't have enough to save. It would be so minimal in my opinion it wouldn't be worth it. While some months I may save a small amount, that needs to go on something else another month.

It's only enough to get by.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/05/2017 12:38

What do agencies say when you interview with them?
They should be guiding you on this.
Could you do temp work?

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 12:38

The agencies I've signed up to won't put my CV forward for anything. They say I need more experience before hey will forward my CV.

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 12:39

I well remember going down with my mum to the post office every Friday, when she would put her savings - anything left over - into the post office account. She always split it between her savings account and ours. Deposits of just a couple of 10ps each were very common, often just into 1 or 2 of the accounts. A really proud week was being able to put in a banknote - a whole £1.

We were absolutely church mice poor - never in debt, always fed, but food was plain, clothes were home-made or hand me down - but that Friday ritual was sacrosanct.

At 18 I and my siblings were given our post office books - and in all of our cases those accumulated pennies were saviours in hard times.

cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 12:41

(I know that my mum had to raid her savings book every now and again - secondary school blazers were the occasion I remember most vividly. Without that careful accumulation, goodness knows what she would have done - they simply couldn't have been bought out of income or child benefit)

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 05/05/2017 12:41

It would be so minimal in my opinion it wouldn't be worth it.

Really????

But if you had saved £15 over the last few weeks/months, then you'd have enough money for the meal, plus some left over. So you could enjoy a treat without stressing over it. I honestly can't decide if you really don't get this (which is quite worrying) or you're just on the wind up.

I've been in a similar position with barely enough money to get by. THAT was the time I saved (proportionately) the most. Even if it was only £1, that was £1 less to worry about the next time I had something I had to pay out for.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 12:44

I'm not discussing this saving issue anymore. I don't need to be preached to. Thanks.

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 12:44

Needmore,

I'm hoping in this case that the OP means that she feels that the benefit of spending her £15 tonight outweighs the benefit of saving this particular £15 towards another occasion / need, rather than that she never sees the point of saving anything from one month to the next and always spends right down to the last penny regardless.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 12:44

Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 12:45

can'tkeepaway of course that's what I meant. This is so boring now.

OP posts:
Doublevodkaredbull · 05/05/2017 12:46

You've been given a lot of advice and you've chosen to ignore it all. This is AIBU.

YABU.

cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 12:48

OP, what is it exactly that you want in response to your posts?

You have had advice about how to best manage with very limited funds.

You have had advice about how to raise it with your friend.

You have had sympathy.

You have had advice about how it might not arise in the future.

You have prompted a discussion about the balance between saving and spending when on a very low income.

What is it that you need / want?

Notsoslimshady · 05/05/2017 12:55

It's been a while since i was on income support with young children, but i remember it well. It's shit. I always made sure the bills were paid and there was food in, but i remember the knot in my stomach while my shopping went through in case i'd counted wrong and didn't have enough or the devastation of a cost not anticipated that threw things completely. I couldn't afford to save because there was basically nothing left at the end of the week.

In your shoes, i'd go. But i'd let my pal know i only had a tenner to spend and wouldn't be staying out for long.

With regards to job interviews - doesn't the job centre pay for travel to interviews? And they used to have a fund to help with the cost of clothes for interviews.

And for work experience, could you contact your local Council of voluntary services for volunteering opportunities to gain experience? The charities i work with pay all travel expenses so you wouldn't be out of pocket.

thewallsstareatme · 05/05/2017 12:56

People in this thread are mad! OP, it looks like you got all the essentials covered, so if you want to socialize, of course you should! (we need it to keep sane. Bering poor is incredibly dull and soul destroying).

I would so as PP suggested, show up a bit later, says I've eaten already and just socialize.

WrittenandGrown · 05/05/2017 12:56

He is your best friend. Just tell him.

Notsoslimshady · 05/05/2017 12:58

What is it that you need / want?

I suspect she'd like to be treated like an equal human being who deserves a bit of compassion. But maybe i'm wrong.

cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 13:01

Thewalls, I genuinely think that people have different attitudes to this - some would prioritise socialising in this scenario, others would prioritse have a tiny bit of money by for a rainy day. It uis a case of different people having different approaches and values and making different decisions.

I think the only thing that has kept the thread alive for so long is that the common sense solutions suggested - tell your friend, arrive later, just have dessert, meet only for the socialising afterwards, consider not going if it's so stressful - have met with such a blank response,