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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go to friends birthday meal with a grand title of £16

245 replies

user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 07:14

I'm on income support. I simply don't have any more money until Monday which I need for job interviews anyway.

I have no cash leftover each month.

My best friend is having his birthday party at a restaurant and the prices are between £7-£13 for a main meal.

It will cost me £5 for the train. So I will then have £10 for the meal. This means no splitting he bill, no drink, no tip, no being able to pay for things 'for the table'.

I've had to do it for years as I've been a desperate job seeker for most of my life. I have it down to a fine art. But i am worried people will order things and expect me to contribute such as bottles of water.

We never ever split the bill for the table and my friend orders about £100 worth of food and drink and so he insists it's only fair to pay for ourselves.

I wish we were going to good old weatherspoons or something but this restaurant was his choice.

I've perfected drinking tap water after the meal so no one knows I'm too skint to buy a drink. I'm leaving to get the 11 o clock train anyway.

I arrive at 7:30pm.

So, am I being insane? Would it be better to not go at all? I can't meet them afterwards for drink as they won't be finished until around 9pm and I'd only have an hour and a half before my train.

OP posts:

Daydream007 · 06/05/2017 19:14

Don't go and explain why. A good friend should understand why.

butterfly198615 · 06/05/2017 19:16

I know how you feel same happened to me this week , after everything is paid there is no way I have any money left to use for a meal etc. So I just said im sorry I cannot make it as at the moment I am skint. And maybe arrange another time to do something together in a few months.
Surely he will understand and he will know about your situation and transport so he should be understanding. If he isn't do you really need people like that in your life especially since you have a hard time as it is.
If this was me and I knew you and about your finances I wouldn't expect you to pay for yourself be it I buy your drinks or meal or give you money to use, especially as I would really want you there if you were my best friend.

Hope things sort out for you soon . Hugs x

frozenfairy123 · 06/05/2017 19:33

I wouldn't go but if u do go u may need to budget towards the service charge and don't expect others to pay yours unless u are honest with them. X

Lynnm63 · 06/05/2017 19:37

I haven't rtft but have read ops posts.
I'm sorry for you as being poor is shit. I've been there a long time ago going to bed when the 50p ran out and if we could afford a chip supper I'd go as I always got bigger portions as the chip shop owner fancied me! This was a long time ago!!
If i was your friend I'd want you to tell me and if I wanted you there I'd pay for you discreetly.

Bobbi73 · 06/05/2017 19:54

I think spare change has the best idea. Tell him you'll be too late to join them for food but will join them for a drink afterwards. Eat at home and save your money for a drink. I've been in that situation and that's what I did. I hope things pick up soon 🙂

cottoncandee · 06/05/2017 20:21

Here's the thing, OP (even tho I know you might already be there at his birthday dinner now), even if he's never been poor try to explain it in the most straightforward, it is what it is kind of way.
I've never been poor, myself. Until I got married, I was more of the girl who's always had drivers and housekeepers. Even after I got married, my life is still verrry comfortable.
But I have a friend who is in similar situation as you (she can't find a job, her husband just got fired, she just had to go through multiple treatment because of her cancer in the past few years) and she's not my best friend but we are very close. But she was honest to me and explained to me in a very straightforward way when she can not join me for certain events because she needs to save. No matter how your friend has never been poor, if you are straightforward with him and tell it like it is, he will understand. And he is your best friend, you have to be honest sometimes even when it is uncomfortable.
Good luck :)

Armadillostoes · 06/05/2017 21:09

Hugs OP. I really feel for you and understand why going is so important to you. If this is your very best friend, can you not confide in him? If he loves you and deserves to be your best friend he will want to help.

funstr · 06/05/2017 22:15

i've been in same situation. i went and ordered soup of the day, cheapest thing on the menu. a starter but asked it to be served with the main courses, asked for jug of tap water which was lovely, served with lemon and lime slices. i just laughed it off saying i was on tablets so couldnt drink alcohol or carbonated drinks and as upsetting stomach was playing safe with food. no one commented, even snooty waiter. apparently not an uncommon request. had a great night and friend was so happy i had attended.

ruthieruthuk · 06/05/2017 22:53

Speak to your friend, tell him the situation and see what he says, if he is a bessie he will understand and maybe be able to advise u, if it was me id probably just go for drinks even if it was just for an hour cos least them you've made some effort

ChangelingToday · 06/05/2017 22:55

Would your sons dad lend you a tenner?

RosieRuby · 07/05/2017 00:03

Go and enjoy it, sounds like you need reassurance that it's ok to go along even if you don't have as much money as the other guests. You won't be the first or the last in that situation and people are far more understanding than you realise X

Cab65 · 07/05/2017 09:29

I would go and say to the whole table "I'm here because I couldn't bear to stay away, but I'm really skint at the moment so will only be having the main course" then laugh, no one will care about it at all, and you will have made your position quite clear, be brave, after all you were brave enough to go to uni,, it always works for me.

OnGoldenPond · 07/05/2017 11:11

Tell your friend the truth. You would have no money for food for the rest of the week if you come.

If I was your friend i would offer to pay for you. I'd rather have the company of good friends on my birthday and pay for them than miss out because of lack of money.

I have done this several times for a good friend who has had a long period of financial misfortunes. I'm happy to do it as he has repaid me many times over in non money ways by being there for me when I have needed him.

Awhoosh · 07/05/2017 12:01

Hope you went and had a good time OP.

angelfacecuti75 · 07/05/2017 20:48

I wouldn't go but you do need a social life. Is there no one who could lend you a bit like your mum?

Isetan · 07/05/2017 21:30

I get it, I really do but you need to stop apologising and being embarrassed about being poor. I would be physically ill if I knew anybody (let alone a best friend) spent their last pounds on my birthday meal, especially if they had a child.

MotherHen1 · 08/05/2017 23:17

A better idea. Don't go to the party. Keep £12.19 for something nice or useful or whatever, and spend £2.81 (inc postage) on Amazon on a second hand copy of a very old book by Eric Berne "Games people play" and spend the evening reading it. In particular, read the section on the game "'Why don't you – yes but'" which is the game that is going on throughout this thread.

You've got a problem. You aren't doing anything to solve it and you are resisting anyone who tries to solve it. It's pretty clear you don't want to give up having the problem: you've got a lot invested in being the person who has this problem, and any potential solution is a threat to be warded off, because the last thing you want is for someone to take away your problem, because then where would you be? A person feeling miserable about being poor and having to face a tedious evening with no interesting problem?

This is how the game is summarised:
"This game begins when a person states a problem in their life, and another responds by offering constructive suggestions on how to solve it. The subject says 'yes, but...' and proceeds to find issue with the solutions. In adult mode she would examine and probably take on board a solution (an Adult stance), but this is not the purpose of the exchange. Its purpose is to allow the subject to gain sympathy from others in her inadequacy to meet the situation (Child mode). The problem-solvers, in turn, get the opportunity to play wise Parent. "

(I clearly have a lot of need to play Wise Parent, since I have not only read every one of the round-and-round-and-round "why don't you-yes but" exchanges, but have even taken the time to offer you another piece of wise parent advice! Read the book. Enjoy it.)

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/05/2017 23:54

You're a good friend op.

Spare change had the best idea. You ciykd just order a soft drink and use train as an excuse.

Hope you're there now!

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/05/2017 23:56

Wtf motherhen.

MotherHen1 · 09/05/2017 19:31

WTF mother hen? Read the previous 245 ,messages, all written by women being sympathetic and kind and making resourceful and practical and helpful solutions... and our friend finding reasons for rejecting all of them. You will get the gist.

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