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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to friends birthday meal with a grand title of £16

245 replies

user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 07:14

I'm on income support. I simply don't have any more money until Monday which I need for job interviews anyway.

I have no cash leftover each month.

My best friend is having his birthday party at a restaurant and the prices are between £7-£13 for a main meal.

It will cost me £5 for the train. So I will then have £10 for the meal. This means no splitting he bill, no drink, no tip, no being able to pay for things 'for the table'.

I've had to do it for years as I've been a desperate job seeker for most of my life. I have it down to a fine art. But i am worried people will order things and expect me to contribute such as bottles of water.

We never ever split the bill for the table and my friend orders about £100 worth of food and drink and so he insists it's only fair to pay for ourselves.

I wish we were going to good old weatherspoons or something but this restaurant was his choice.

I've perfected drinking tap water after the meal so no one knows I'm too skint to buy a drink. I'm leaving to get the 11 o clock train anyway.

I arrive at 7:30pm.

So, am I being insane? Would it be better to not go at all? I can't meet them afterwards for drink as they won't be finished until around 9pm and I'd only have an hour and a half before my train.

OP posts:
3boys3dogshelp · 05/05/2017 10:48

If you only have £16 left in the bank then you can't afford to go. It's shit but it is what it is.
If you don't go that £16 could be the start of saving some money each week.
I'm sure he would like to have you there but if he wanted to pay for you and knows your situation surely he would have offered himself. If my best friend couldn't make my birthday because they couldn't afford it I would be disappointed but not at all cross or upset. Sorry OP, I think you should just tell him you can't go, invite him over to yours one night instead.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2017 10:48

And yes, Sapphire makes a good point.

That's plenty of time to meet for a quick drink and wish him a happy birthday.

WowserBowser · 05/05/2017 10:52

Going out for a meal is always nice. Even if you go for the cheap option. Enjoy it.

Although if i was your friend id at least buy you a drink. And if i wasn't as skint as i am, your meal.

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2017 10:57

I wouldn't go. If I had such a small amount of money and a child, I would save it so that the next week I started with £16 in credit.

I'd be too worried throughout the night in case my bill was more or I lost my return bus ticket or something. It would be incredibly stressful.

If he's the kind to get upset then you could say your child isn't well or the babysitter let you down.

Alyosha · 05/05/2017 10:58

If I were your friend I'd buy you a starter and a drink.

I would still go , it's important to socialise. Perhaps order two sides?

I often did that when I was skint. More food & cheaper!

BeMorePanda · 05/05/2017 11:02

I'd be honest and tell him you are skint -surely he knows how you live if he is a good friend?

I do find it strange that your "best friend" knows you're skint, is happy to spend £100 on his own meal, and wouldn't say to you "don't worry about it, come and enjoy yourself, I'll cover you" - that is what I would do for a friend and why my friends would do for me (and we have all done this for one another at some point in the past).

I hope you get to go and have a lovely evening.

rightwhine · 05/05/2017 11:03

secretnetter
Why bother going to all that palaver making all those excuses all night long? Just be upfront with everyone. It's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact I'd admire people who limit what they have because they can't afford more.
You do need to say to the whole group though because if you only say to your friend and he says split the bill, they will still won't understand that you don't want to pay for bottled water and are happy to have tap water yourself. Even if they say don't be silly just have some of ours I'd still stick to the tap water so they don't think you are one of those that says you are skint when really you are just mean and want everyone to subsidise you - as we all know that type. They will know you are genuinely skint and will admire you for it.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2017 11:08

The OP doesn't say whether she knows all the other people going.

If she doesn't, announcing her financial position to the entire table, could be very awkward both for her and everyone else.

On another note, I'm surprised MNHQ haven't posted their usual warning on this thread.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 11:12

My son is looked after and well fed and will be at with his dad.

It's tough but just because I have a child that doesn't mean I shouldn't socialise.

I never ever go out.

It's one night a year roughly. I could have saved better. Even £5 a week.

theres no point saving £15. I would need it the next week for something.

I want to go. But I think I will meet them after the meal for dessert. Otherwise it's going to be too much stress. No reason why I can't go. I just probably can't do the meal.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/05/2017 11:13

You'd have to be a bit of a daft poster to offer an OP money to go out for a meal when there are people without money to eat inside their home.

rightwhine · 05/05/2017 11:13

But if she doesn't know them it's even more important that they don't think she's a freeloader or mean.
There is nothing to be ashamed about saying you can't afford it.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2017 11:16

Yes, but you've been here long enough to know there are some daft posters about, who still do it Imperial - hence the HQ warning.

rightwhine · 05/05/2017 11:16

I think you should go to it all and just say that you will pay for what you have.

You do deserve to have a night out.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/05/2017 11:19

I think you should go to it all and just say that you will pay for what you have

I agree. Turning up half way through a meal is a bit odd. How do you time it so you don't get there while everyone is halfway through their mains and have to sit and watch them eat?

DianaMitford · 05/05/2017 11:19

Putdownyourphone nails it:

f he's your best friend and super excited about the meal, I don't think asking to borrow a tenner is going to ruin it for him. Send a text and say 'look I really want to come but I only have 15 quid til next week so I don't think I can make it'. If he says ok then don't go, but a good friend will offer to help you out.

Excellent suggestion that gets across the entire situation. And I agree, any decent friend should offer to cover your share. I'd do it in a heartbeat and think nothing of it if it were one of my friends.

QuintessentialShadow · 05/05/2017 11:21

Hmm.

You have a child.
You have 15 pounds only.
You have a wealthy friend but wont tell him you cant afford to go, you wont NOT go.
You wont go towards the end of the meal and join them for drinks.
You are poor. No savings. No job. Sounds tough.

But, you are not listening or taking on board anybodys suggestions, so what DO you want? What are you expecting from this thread?

Notmyrealname85 · 05/05/2017 11:26

theres no point saving £15. I would need it the next week for something

I'd say fake a sickness and not go. you don't know that an emergency will pop up next week where you'll need that £15

Maybe I'm just suspicious

BastardBloodAndSand · 05/05/2017 11:29

Why's everyone naval gazing ??

I think the OP just wanted to have a moan about a shit situation she's in. There's nothing wrong with that. Confused

FrenchMartiniTime · 05/05/2017 11:32

Joining the meal at the end just to have dessert is a bit odd.

I wasn't suggesting that people with children shouldn't socialise or treat themselves. But if I only had £15 in the bank I wouldn't be going out but that's just me.

You have obviously decided you are going and aren't taking any advice from posters so can I respectfully ask it is you wanted from this thread?

FrenchMartiniTime · 05/05/2017 11:33

*what it is

BarbaraofSeville · 05/05/2017 11:33

What is the point of 'just having a moan' but not making it clear that's what you're doing?

Saves all the people offering helpful solutions from wasting their time. But then, everyone saying 'there there, it's so unfair' doesn't get the OP a night out that she will hopefully enjoy does it?

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 05/05/2017 11:37

See, tbh, what I don't quite get in the UK is the birthdays thing. In my country if you are invited to a b'day part you buy a gift & the birthday person offers drinks/meals/whatever.

Here, however it's more like: it's my birthday, having a party at cafe/restaurant x, pls come, you'll pay. Also, bring a gift as well.

MatildaTheCat · 05/05/2017 11:38

Why is going late odd? It's a good solution. You can't get away early for X reason so will be coming along for pud and a glass of wine.

I'm really puzzled though that you simply cannot tell your very best friend that you are skint and can't spend more than £10. In his place I'd be really upset that you hadn't mentioned it so I could cover the cost. Surely he wants you there for your friendship? Also,mw hat if someone has ordered a birthday cake or champagne with puds and is expecting everyone to chip in? You'd be far, far safer just telling him straightforwardly.

And to everyone saying 'don't go', what's wrong with wanting one night out? She's not on here begging, just trying to work out how to make it work.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/05/2017 11:38

Oh OP I really wouldn't go. I went to a friends last year wkrh not wnoubj money ans it was really awkward. I told them in advance I didn't have the money, which did produce a "we'll pay for you" but then I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu whilst everyone splurged and then had to drool over sit whilst everyone else had puddings, friend didnt ask me I'd I wanted one and its rude to ask anyway. I made a pint of coke last me all night whilst they were downing drinks.

Can you make up an excuse as to why you cant go?

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2017 11:39

The OP isn't just having a moan.

She's asking a clear question.

So, am I being insane? Would it be better to not go at all? I can't meet them afterwards for drink as they won't be finished until around 9pm and I'd only have an hour and a half before my train.