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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to friends birthday meal with a grand title of £16

245 replies

user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 07:14

I'm on income support. I simply don't have any more money until Monday which I need for job interviews anyway.

I have no cash leftover each month.

My best friend is having his birthday party at a restaurant and the prices are between £7-£13 for a main meal.

It will cost me £5 for the train. So I will then have £10 for the meal. This means no splitting he bill, no drink, no tip, no being able to pay for things 'for the table'.

I've had to do it for years as I've been a desperate job seeker for most of my life. I have it down to a fine art. But i am worried people will order things and expect me to contribute such as bottles of water.

We never ever split the bill for the table and my friend orders about £100 worth of food and drink and so he insists it's only fair to pay for ourselves.

I wish we were going to good old weatherspoons or something but this restaurant was his choice.

I've perfected drinking tap water after the meal so no one knows I'm too skint to buy a drink. I'm leaving to get the 11 o clock train anyway.

I arrive at 7:30pm.

So, am I being insane? Would it be better to not go at all? I can't meet them afterwards for drink as they won't be finished until around 9pm and I'd only have an hour and a half before my train.

OP posts:
6demandingchildren · 05/05/2017 07:40

I would give him a ring and tell him the situation and ask if you can pay separately.
I remember those times and as depressing as they were I still had my friends, don't worry life changes all the time xx

soupplate · 05/05/2017 07:42

Surely if he's your 'best' friend he knows this stuff, and if can afford to spend £100 on food and drink he can afford to sub you for a £13 main and a couple of drinks. Are you sure he's your 'best' friend?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 05/05/2017 07:43

Tell your friend the truth, you have only £16 left, the train will cost £5 so you'll not be able to join in with the meal. That you'd love to see him, and perhaps tomorrow night you could meet for a drink somewhere close to you (so you don't need to get the train).

If your friend knows your financial situation and arranged this night anyway, he probably doesn't expect you to be able to go, he'd like you to, but if he knows you have this little to live off, then he wouldn't expect you to be able to go.

Save your £16. In a couple of weeks you may well be in the situation of needing a bit more than the basics again.

AnathemaPulsifer · 05/05/2017 07:44

I'd just tell him you're looking forward to celebrating his birthday with him but you're just going to eat a main course because money is tight. Or don't even mention it if you're sure there won't be pressure to split the bill.

You could always eat before you go and have a starter as a main? Or starter and side often still works out cheaper than a main. Make sure you allow enough to chip in to the tip though, otherwise that does look tight.

yaela123 · 05/05/2017 07:45

I'd eat beforehand, then join a bit later for desert/a drink.Like a PP said, these will be cheaper and you probably won't be expected to contribute towards table stuff. You can still enjoy a night out (which it sounds like you need)

If it's your best friend, I'm sure they'd understand

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/05/2017 07:45

I would go in, say Imve eaten at home/
am on a diet and order a couple of drinks.

CaulkheadNorth · 05/05/2017 07:46

I've been in this situation before. I'd go, because I like being around people and would feel shit sitting at home.
One option is to say to your friend that you've *lost/had cancelled/cloned your bank card and so you only have £15 cash on you so you can only really afford your meal. This then lets him know him know that you contribute to anything else.
Does the restaurant have special offers or vouchers that you could download to make it cheaper? Unlikely on a Friday night but you never know.
Is there a bus cheaper than the train?

*im not advocating lying but it might feel less embarrassing than saying you can't afford it.

lougle · 05/05/2017 07:46

If he's your very best friend he wouldn't be putting you in a situation like this, surely? Either go and say upfront that you'll just be having X, or go late and spend 1.5 hours with them from 9-10.30 pm and enjoy a couple of drinks, or explain that you can't afford to go.

DameDeDoubtance · 05/05/2017 07:47

If he's your best friend then talk to him, it's not hard to understand. Tell him your skint, and you'll join him for a drink at the end or do something else when you have a bit more money.

It sucks Flowers

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 05/05/2017 07:49

I would ring your friend, explain that you can't come to the meal because you only have £16, £5 of which is needed for the train, but you will come for a drink at the end. If he then offers yo pay for you, you need to think about whether to accept the offer. Personally, I wouldn't as I hate owing money. But do be honest with him.

KentMum2008 · 05/05/2017 07:55

I've been there OP. It's really tough and super shit, and I also have a few friends who genuinely don't understand what it's like to be properly skint. When DCs were little and I'd just left ex, we sometimes had about £20 a week for a food shop.
In this situation, if I really wanted to go I would say I can't make the whole evening but I'll stop by for dessert and a drink (even if that drink was a Diet Coke)
Alternatively, just don't go. Make your excuses and don't feel bad about it. If you still want to see your friend, suggest a few drinks at yours another day? That used to be my socialising fail safe when I was properly skint. Everyone brings a bottle, you can buy a big bag of tortilla chips and a dip and enjoy the evening.

8dayweek · 05/05/2017 07:56

If you're on Income Support and need help with getting to job interviews pop into the Job Centre and ask for help with this from the Flexible Support Fund. They will need to see proof of your Job Interviews but should be able to sort it ASAP (my Team always try to get drop ins seen within an hour)... that might possibly free up a bit of cash? Also, depending on where you are it might be worth asking about Rail Cards?

honeycheeerios · 05/05/2017 08:00

Go, enjoy yourself, but take only the cash, no purse, and say that "you lost your purse and have no bank cards".

Explain you will order a basic meal but literally only have the cash to put in what you order.

Saves any embarrassment over bill splitting and you don't have to feel awkward explaining your situation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2017 08:02

Just tell him. He's your best friend. He will either offer to pay for you (discreetly) or understand you can't go.

santini · 05/05/2017 08:03

You can't afford it - I wouldn't go. You should be able to be honest to your best friend. You'll need that £16 for essentials. Why not just get together separately - invite him over to yours for a home cooked meal one evening instead.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2017 08:05

He'll be 'heartbroken' if you don't go Hmm. C'mon, he's an adult, he'll live! I think it's foolish to go or not just tell him the truth. Personally I think it's more miserable to go and be constantly worried about the bill.

honeycheeerios · 05/05/2017 08:06

Just a thought,

Do you have any CDS, DVDs, computer games, old phones, consoles etc that you don't need or want?

Places like CEX give cash straight away for items like this, and you can check their value on their website.

I got £40 just for dvds a few months ago!

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 05/05/2017 08:09

Do you know what? Being skint doesn't mean you have to become trapped in your own home. If you don't need that money for bills, then go. Look at the menu online, order a £7 meal and keep the £3 for a treat another day. Enjoy your night out and the company of friends.

If, however, you can't pay for gas, electricity, rent, water etc in full then you need to prioritise those costs I'm afraid.

Have you checked all your bills, outgoings etc to be sure you're paying the best prices and aren't in credit on any of the accounts? Send in your meter readings to keep bills accurate.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 05/05/2017 08:14

I'm with PP's in thinking you need to be honest with him.

If he complains that you won't spend your last few pounds to be there, he's not the friend you thought he was.

Why not suggest you do something next week together? A home-cooked meal at your house and a catch up?

I had to do this a few years ago. My friend actually slipped me £20 in the ladies so I could be "seen" paying for my share 😂

BusterGonad · 05/05/2017 08:22

I agree with telling him you can't really afford it and see what he says.

Ginslinger · 05/05/2017 08:39

If my very best friend was spending her last few quid on food in a restaurant for my birthday I would be outraged - and if I hadn't noticed that she'd been doing that for years would make me wonder just how unobservant I could be.

MummysMaison · 05/05/2017 08:44

If he is your best friend you should be able to be honest with him and tell him you're having a few financial issues and cannot afford to go. I'm sure he would much rather you were honest with him than you be struggling.

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 08:48

I would like to be able to go.

I'm poor. That doesn't mean I should stay in lonely every day. I rarely go out and think it's important I have some fun times.

I just don't know how to make it work.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 05/05/2017 08:49

Go, get a main and tapwater, enjoy your night out, and don't feel guilty about not joining in with anyone who expects to split the bill and hence have skint and light eaters such as yourself subsidising those who've stuffed themselves with three courses and buckets of wine.

Something to watch out for though - expensive restaurants can be more likely to serve smaller portions without any sides so you have to order separately and pay extra for them if you have them. If the restaurant has an online menu, study it in advance, maybe also google images to see what the food looks like and don't go very hungry if your £10 is going to buy a slither of fish with nothing more than a drizzle of jus round it.

MrsPringles · 05/05/2017 08:51

You could 'miss the train', 'oh dear I'll get the next one, eat without me' and then just join them for a drink? That'll be cheaper, just have a soft drink?

Having no money is shit, I think if you genuinely have enough food at home to see you through then go but just do above. No need to stay at home being completely miserable if it doable on a teeny budget