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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to friends birthday meal with a grand title of £16

245 replies

user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 07:14

I'm on income support. I simply don't have any more money until Monday which I need for job interviews anyway.

I have no cash leftover each month.

My best friend is having his birthday party at a restaurant and the prices are between £7-£13 for a main meal.

It will cost me £5 for the train. So I will then have £10 for the meal. This means no splitting he bill, no drink, no tip, no being able to pay for things 'for the table'.

I've had to do it for years as I've been a desperate job seeker for most of my life. I have it down to a fine art. But i am worried people will order things and expect me to contribute such as bottles of water.

We never ever split the bill for the table and my friend orders about £100 worth of food and drink and so he insists it's only fair to pay for ourselves.

I wish we were going to good old weatherspoons or something but this restaurant was his choice.

I've perfected drinking tap water after the meal so no one knows I'm too skint to buy a drink. I'm leaving to get the 11 o clock train anyway.

I arrive at 7:30pm.

So, am I being insane? Would it be better to not go at all? I can't meet them afterwards for drink as they won't be finished until around 9pm and I'd only have an hour and a half before my train.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 05/05/2017 09:37

If you can't afford to save money this could be start of it. If you're willing to spend all the £16 on this meal how about you save it and it will start you off.

If you really feel you have to go can you borrow from someone?

Will everyone be okay if you say no to things or will they try and force you as that would be upsetting.

Jux · 05/05/2017 09:44

Tell your friend how skint you are and what your budget is. If you were my friend, and I was making you go out for my birthday and you told me how badly placed you were I'd pay for you.

DianaT1969 · 05/05/2017 09:51

On the subject of employment, can you get work through an agency? They are often more understanding of interview nerves and 'on your side' based on your CV.
Is it the location you are living in that's holding you back?
Have you tried working in other jobs until you get the start you need in your chosen profession? Agree thst it's a shame you are in this situation at 27. Can you volunteer in your sector to make contacts and network?
Hope it works out for you.

CherryMintVanilla · 05/05/2017 09:53

How could you plan any better when you have no money left each week? I'm sorry, birthday or no birthday, if your friend would be devastated not to have you there he could discreetly pass you £20 to cover your meal.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/05/2017 09:54

On the one hand - if my best friend was in this position I would be horrified and would not expect you to attend at all or I would cover the cost/lend/give you money.

In the other hand - you have known it was going to be his birthday for a looooong time so perhaps he hoped that you would be able to save a few pounds per week in order to comfortably afford it.

I don't know if you have children or childcare issues but I do know that getting a job is not that hard.

Cleaning, bar work, care work, dog walking are all a way to earn income plus many other ways.

If the guy is as knowledgeable about your situation as you claim then I think he has a different view on your situation/spending habits than you do.

gleam · 05/05/2017 10:03

I'm sorry but I think your friend is selfish. He knows how skint you are and hasn't offered to cover your meal. Shock

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 05/05/2017 10:05

In fact, I may be inclined to ask upfront if he can borrow you £20 to cover your meal. I wouldn't see this as begging if it was from a good friend. Be clear how much you can spend atm.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/05/2017 10:07

Don't go, a social event is not necessary. Contact your friend and tell them you can't afford to go, you can't.

FrenchMartiniTime · 05/05/2017 10:07

You said your friend would be heartbroken but have you actually spoken to them yet about this?

I would be mortified if my best friend felt that they had to spend the last of their money to spare my feelings. I would either offer to pay or plan something separate.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 05/05/2017 10:08

Go. Tell him you are broke, and how little you can afford to spend. But go.

YouDancin · 05/05/2017 10:12

You really should go if you want to. How about you eat at home before you go then order a starter as a main course and say if anyone asks make some excuse like "I had a big lunch and am not feeling hungry at the moment" Or "I fancy this (thing on starter menu only) butdon't need anything else" (technically true)

I have been that skint too. It is totally demoralising. But you still need to get out and have fun days.

YouDancin · 05/05/2017 10:14

AllRoadsLead - why borrow money and get into debt to pay for something you can't afford and will struggle to repay? That's just pushing the problem forward. There is no day when she'll have £20 "spare" to pay back the loan. If you are skint you have to live within your means at the time. Debt is a spiralling disaster. Especially for frivolity.

ohtheholidays · 05/05/2017 10:15

He's your very best friend then why can't you tell him?

Honestly when ever we've envited anyone out to celebrate one of our birthdays we've always paid for everything,the meals and everyone's drinks and there's usually over 15 of us.

When ever I've wanted to meet up with my bestfriend if she's been skint but wanted to meet up I've paid for everything(she'd lost her job)and then when things got better with money for her she treated me.

Surely that's what you do for your bestfriend?He might not know what it's like to be skint but there's no reason you can't tell him.
I'd hope more than anything if any of my friends were struggling they'd tell me and that they'd let me help them out,I know they'd all do the same for me and my family.I've been in both situations,I've been the one that could help out and the one who needed help.
The only effect it's had on those friendships is that were closer.

SecretNetter · 05/05/2017 10:19

I've been in similar situations and as long as you're casual you can usually pass under the radar IME.

So turn up, get a glass of tap water and say you don't fancy a starter, you always find you can't manage all the main if you do. Order a cheap main you can afford. If anyone offers you wine, say you had a heavy night last night and couldn't possibly face it. If anyone questions why you don't have a coke or lemonade, say you can't drink fizzy with food, it gives you awful heartburn.

Dessert is easy to decline...you're so stuffed, you couldn't possibly, you'd probably burst etc.

If splitting the bill is suggested, just politely decline...oh it will be too awkward to make it fair, me and Sally haven't had wine, Mike didn't order dessert, let's pay for ourselves.

If it gets to the point where some pushy arsehole is insistent and drags the group along, casual honesty/firmness is needed. 'Sorry Jane, no chance! I've only had a main, no way I'm putting in twenty quid to cover the wine too haha! Any way I'm skint till payday, poor me needs to watch her pennies ATM!' (And big smile as you stick your tenner in).

Silverdream · 05/05/2017 10:25

I'd go because you want to go. If you can't go out occasionally it'll really grind you down.
As he's your best friend I'd explain before hand that you're on a tight budget so need to pay for your own food etc. He should understand and appreciate that you are still going.
Have a lovely evening and make the most of it.

thepatchworkcat · 05/05/2017 10:32

I'd be inclined to either not go or say you'll get there late and just have a drink. I know you said they don't usually split bills but I'd be worried that this would be the one time that someone suggests it!

InTheKitchenAtParties · 05/05/2017 10:33

Why are you on income support and not JSA op? Do you have children?

Original poster
user1493797837 · 05/05/2017 10:34

I have a child.

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 05/05/2017 10:37

"I'm not going to tell him. He's so excited for the meal. It's not fair."

Don't be silly. You will ruin his night anyway by playing the martyr. You will make him feel bad. Just be upfront.

I would feel awful if a good friend came to a meal wearing sackcloth and ashes and only ate bread and water because they couldn't afford anything better. I would rather they had told me beforehand about their finances. If I really wanted them there I would be very happy to pay for their meal. You don't need to feel beholden to your friend. Perhaps you could repay the favour by doing something nice for them at a later date, even if it is something boring like doing their ironing.

ShelaghTurner · 05/05/2017 10:37

Go. Being skint is bloody miserable and you miss out on enough of the things that other people take for granted. Just say to him when you arrive that you're a bit skint this week and so will be just having a main. If he's as good a friend as you say then he'll understand.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2017 10:38

I wouldn't go tbh.

But since you really want to, can you borrow a tenner off of your mum and pay her back at £2 per week or something?

SapphireStrange · 05/05/2017 10:43

I can't meet them afterwards for drink as they won't be finished until around 9pm and I'd only have an hour and a half before my train.

I don't understand this. An hour and a half is ages to meet just for a drink, isn't it?

DisorderedAllsorts · 05/05/2017 10:45

Echoing what Hellonheels said re your job situation please do contact your university careers service and put your name down for various agencies. Do you have a university local to you? If so have a look on their job page for temporary & entry level admin jobs just for experience & money.

It's better that you spend your last £15 on job hunting rather than socialising. What would you do if you have a job interview on Monday? You couldn't afford to attend because you've spent your money. Get your priorities straight, invest that cash on yourself not on lining the pockets of the restaurant owner. Think long term, your friend isn't going to put food on the table only you can do that by getting a job. Invest the money on yourself first not your friend.

jobs.mumsnet.com

jobs.theguardian.com

fluffiphlox · 05/05/2017 10:45

Why on earth can't you just say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry but I can't run to a meal out this month'?

FrenchMartiniTime · 05/05/2017 10:46

If you have a child your last £15 should not be going on a night out.

What if there's an emergency over the weekend?

If you did go who would be looking after DC? Could they not lend you the money if you felt you had to go?

You have bigger issues you need to address than whether or not you should be going out for a birthday meal.

Sorry to sound harsh OP.