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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wealthy in laws seem reluctant to spend money on a decent car seat

170 replies

LauraPalmersBodybag · 05/05/2017 00:35

...and now I'm arguing with my dh about it!

At no point has anyone come and said 'just choose a cheap one'....tbh, if they did at least it would be simpler. Instead they asked which one, I said I'd much prefer rear facing for as long as possible, gave some basic reasons why. My mil said 'all fine, whatever's safest and good value for money' but since then there's ongoing chat, an email sent suggestioning numerous cheap forward facing ones and now my dh and I just had a protracted and wearisome debate about it.

We were going to suggest they buy the same one as us, but somehow my dh finds that problematic. I'm sure he and his mum have been talking about it but he won't let on.

He challenged whatever research I'd found on rear facing, was hinting that there's no difference. I asked if money was the bottom line and said if it was just buy the best for their budget. He tells me no, but then says why spend £500 when you can spend £100....and "they're both safe drivers" "chances of a crash are minute".

They've got plenty of money, really. Absolutely fucking loads. Surely just buy one of the ones that tests really well.

I'm mostly pissed off because I feel like I have to continually defend my position and I end up taking the role of 'Hysterical Mother' arguing with my in laws which is so BORING.

AIBU???

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 05/05/2017 08:00

Yes, I'm wondering that too - the idea of driving toddlers who can't see out the window sounds awful!

Things change so fast, I'd question the logic of a 4 year old looking at the back of the chair, and, your inlaws are coming from 40 years ago when we didn't even HAVE rear seatbelts.

It's quite a cultural shift for them, they probably need some guidance about what the recommendations are.

Westray · 05/05/2017 08:02

I don't get it.

I only had one car seat. Why can't they use yours?

Optimist1 · 05/05/2017 08:06

There are companies that rent child car seats (about £25 a week IIRC) - the seats are inspected and cleaned between each rental. This might be the way to go?

eurochick · 05/05/2017 08:10

I agree with the advice to take your own seat. Most airlines carry two pieces of baby equipment for free.

I have an almost three year old in an erf seat. She can see out of the windows just fine (erf seats are usually on a base so quite high and not tilted back like infant carriers) and seems perfectly happy. Touch wood car sickness doesn't seem to be a problem. Hopefully she takes after my husband in that regard - I suffer badly from travel sickness.

DonutCone · 05/05/2017 08:11

So if you have to pay you'll get a cheap one.

Because they are 'wealthy' you expect them to spend £500.

Oriunda · 05/05/2017 08:14

My Besafe Izi Combi erf was £350 new and that was 5 years ago. The price of erf has come down since the new recommendation that children remain erf until much longer. You should be easily able to buy a cheaper erf - and you've been given the Joie as a suggestion.

Or - if you know the provenance - buy a second hand erf off one of the local selling pages. I sold my Besafe to a local lady for £50 as it was in excellent condition.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 05/05/2017 08:16

Hi OP, for what it's worth the only thing I'd be concerned about is that the car seat they bought was rear facing. They've offered to pay so I'd take them up on it, but just point out to your husband and them that rear facing is an absolute must.

This is a useful video to help explain why it's so much safer

A baby's head is a much larger proportion of its body than an adult, this coupled with the fact that their spine is developing and soft means that whip lash injuries can be fatal or caused significant spinal damage. It's so much safer to have them rear face until they are older when their proportions are more adult like.

RoseGoldProsecco · 05/05/2017 08:17

My DF told me: "always drive on the assumption that everyone else on the road is a twat." Not bad advice really (he meant in terms of turning left in front of you without indicating, that sort of thing). Your ILs need to remember that it doesn't matter a damn if they are the offspring of vettel and Hamilton if some twat bashes into them.

Secondly, my DF bought a £500 car seat for when we are staying with him - it lasts until she's 4 or thereabouts, so if you look at it that way, it's not too bad. He got a Porsche one, and then (for various boring reasons) later a fiat one as well, which was cheaper. The fiat one is brilliant, it looks so comfortable. Of course they go in any car, with the isofix base, so you don't need a fiat or a Porsche!

YANBU, maybe they would listen if you showed them how long some of them last?

Westray · 05/05/2017 08:21

OP do you have a baby yet?

I would step back from the situation completely.

Do something nicer instead.

You are getting worked up about something very trivial.

If they want to buy a car seat they will. If they don't they can borrow yours or baby doesn't travel with them.

the situation will resolve with or without your input.

InDubiousBattle · 05/05/2017 08:24

YABU. You're expecting your in laws to pay £500 for a car seat that will be used 4/5 times a year, which you yourself have said you wouldn't shell out for if you were paying?

It's easy to go for the most expensive when you're spending someone else's money. Take your own or pay the difference.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/05/2017 08:24

It doesn't matter that they're wealthy. If they don't want to spend hundreds on a car seat that's their prerogative.

The joie stages car seat is extended rear facing and I think I paid about £149 for it.

IKnitSoIDontKill · 05/05/2017 08:30

We bought the Joie Tilt for both of our sets of grandparents- easy to fit, rear faces until 18kg and usually on special offer somewhere. Ours were about £55 each.

user1471441738 · 05/05/2017 08:32

YABU

Will you also be insisting your in laws buy a safer car for the 4/5 times a year they carry their grandchild?

The safety difference between two different cars can be much larger than two different car seats.

Very few little children are killed in cars anyway, statisitically they'll be at more risk as they get older

XiCi · 05/05/2017 08:33

I think you've got a cheek expecting them to pay £500 for a car seat they're going to use 4 times a year. It makes no difference that they're wealthy, it's their money.

I bought both sets of in laws the same car seats as we used. There's no way I'd expect them to fork out.

Why not take the car seat with you when you go and visit? You cam check them in aa luggage or use them on the plane seats.

XiCi · 05/05/2017 08:44

Sorry OP, have just seen they offered to pay. In that case I would just buy them a seat of your choosing. You don't have to spend £500 to get a good, safe seat. Either that or take yours with you when you visit.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/05/2017 08:49

I can't believe someone has suggested a second hand car seat!

Please don't buy second hand.

Fwiw we have Britax seats. Good safety record and not very pricy.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2017 08:52

Just buy the seat or fly up with your own. None of your business really what they choose to spend if you supply it? It's for your DC?

cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 08:58

Hire, if you don't want to fly with one.

Fruu · 05/05/2017 09:00

My 2 year old has been able to see out of the window in his ERF seat since he was first in it from about a year old. It's quite high up. I think it's actually better than a forward facing seat would be because he entertains himself waving at other drivers when we're stuck in traffic with multiple lanes. :)

I sympathise with stubborn grandparents who don't value modern safety standards. My DM kept suggesting we do without a car seat entirely when visiting because their house is only 20 minutes from the train station. Along fast, winding country A roads. And they live in the middle of nowhere so we'd have to drive to do anything other than be trapped in the house. I can't understand valuing the life of a family member less than a couple of hours of shopping and £200-£300 when you have humongous savings. We didn't mind who paid but they just didn't want the hassle of having to go to a car seat fitting! It got sorted out in the end after I booked a fitting for a few different options, scheduled their visit to us around it and then told them which car seat we were getting after trying them in their car. I think the discussion about who paid only happened at that point. You might have to be really bossy and organise it all, and leave visiting until you can save up enough to pay if they won't.

I hope you manage to resolve the argument without too much grief or upset on either side. :)

GinSwigmore · 05/05/2017 09:01

£250-500 car seats?

My three had Graco and lived to tell the tale.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/05/2017 09:01

I think we paid £35 for one of our car seats. It was a good seat.

cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 09:08

I think you need to sor out in your mind what is non-negotiable, and what is 'nice to have'.

If a car seat exactly like the one you have in your own car is a non-negotiable, you have to work out whether it is best to take it with you each time, hire one there or whether it is absolutely necessary for them to buy one.

If it is rear facing that is non-negotiable, then find the cheapest decent rear facing seat that you would be happy with, and sent them the direct link.

Their relative wealth is a red herring. Your child's safety is the priority, but you should not expect excessive expenditure for only very marginal gains, if that makes sense - so if an 'absolutely good enough' seat costs £150 and a 'perfect' one costs £500, then it is completely unreasonable to expect them to shell out an extra £350 just because they are well off and you want them to.

Suze1621 · 05/05/2017 09:09

Another vote for the Joie range of car seats - we have the Joie I-anchor. For what it's worth Which magazines highest scoring extended rear facing car seat is the Concord Reverso plus typical price £249.

loulou0987 · 05/05/2017 09:13

Can't you go halves?

JustMystified · 05/05/2017 09:13

They're probably wealth because they don't pay over the to prices for items you can buy cheaply. To me, half a grand is too much for a car seat, regardless of which way round it faces. Even if I was rolling in it I'd probably think twice. However I'd respect your wish for the seat to face whichever way you see fit, since you're the parent. I'd just suggest a more budget end one, especially for just a few times a year. I really don't see how you can demand a high end seat when you're not paying for it!

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