Wealthy in laws seem reluctant to spend money on a decent car seat

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...and now I'm arguing with my dh about it!

At no point has anyone come and said 'just choose a cheap one'....tbh, if they did at least it would be simpler. Instead they asked which one, I said I'd much prefer rear facing for as long as possible, gave some basic reasons why. My mil said 'all fine, whatever's safest and good value for money' but since then there's ongoing chat, an email sent suggestioning numerous cheap forward facing ones and now my dh and I just had a protracted and wearisome debate about it.

We were going to suggest they buy the same one as us, but somehow my dh finds that problematic. I'm sure he and his mum have been talking about it but he won't let on.

He challenged whatever research I'd found on rear facing, was hinting that there's no difference. I asked if money was the bottom line and said if it was just buy the best for their budget. He tells me no, but then says why spend £500 when you can spend £100....and "they're both safe drivers" "chances of a crash are minute".

They've got plenty of money, really. Absolutely fucking loads. Surely just buy one of the ones that tests really well.

I'm mostly pissed off because I feel like I have to continually defend my position and I end up taking the role of 'Hysterical Mother' arguing with my in laws which is so BORING.

AIBU???

Yabu why are they paying for a car seat it's not their child.

They offered. We didn't ask.

Hmm difficult one. On the one hand, £500 for a seat that will only be used when with grandparents is a lot of money.

But on the other hand I can see where you're coming from. We had similar issues with my (also wealthy) in-laws in that they clearly expected to be able to buy a cheap £30 car seat for their car, but having read about certain cheap brands being recalled fairly recently, we said no and that we'd prefer a better quality seat for their car. Not super expensive, but a lot safer than the very cheapest seats on the market.

You clearly have your heart set on erf, how often will the car seat be used? is there any way you can compromise? I know Joie do a few reasonably priced rear facing seats now, they start at around £100. Would something like the Steadi or the Stages be an option for their car?

Well then there's three choices:

You buy the seat you want
They buy the seat you want
They don't drive your DC

Ask your DH to politely give them these options.

Do see your point though.

I'd love to say here that we will just buy one ourselves but we genuinely can't afford to right now. Also, if money is the issue, we will choose a cheap one.

Oh and I hate he whole "they are good drivers they won't crash" line. In laws took great offence over the whole car seat discussion as they assumed we were implying they were bad drivers. We weren't, fact is accidents happen and it's other drivers you need to worry about!

£500 for a car seat!!? I'm sure you can find safe rear facing seats for cheaper than that? You can even get them second hand, it's not about money it's about safety.

Delete I would much prefer rear facing, but the cheaper end. More like £250 which I know is still a lot - we'll use it 4/5 times a year for the next 3-6 years I'd guess as we're planning on having another baby.

If it comes to it I'd be happy enough with a good forward facing one. I just hate my role in this.

We bought a joie rear facing car seat in a sale for around £100. I don't think that spending £500 would make us more loving parents

4/5 times a year?? If you are using it so infrequently why can't they just use yours?

We had this issue except it was me feeling guilty for spending my parents money, in the end we got an extended rear facing joie I-anchor advance, safe, on a base, will last till 4. About £200 on special offer with free base, google it. Please keep your child rear facing, if they can't do that and provide a safe seat then just don't let them drive them. Cheap seats are generally not safe!

We live several hundred miles away and fly to get there. They in turn live in a hamlet so we can't just rely on having a buggy or public transport whilst we're there.

Thanks 31 will do.

Sorry, am drip feeding aren't I?!

Thought I put all of the relevant info in my op, but did a bad job. I'm my defence I had a feeding/thrashing toddler on my lap

Delete I would much prefer rear facing, but the cheaper end. More like £250 which I know is still a lot - we'll use it 4/5 times a year for the next 3-6 years I'd guess as we're planning on having another baby.

The Joie steadi and the Stages rf up to around age 4, i think? Worth looking into anyway, especially if it's only for very occasional use.

I understand though it's a tough subject to navigate. Especially with the previous generation as they weren't so hot on car seat safety as we are now and they sometimes find it hard to get their head around (in my experience).

For very occasional use on secondary roads, one doesn't need the best car seat on the market. Suggest some more moderately priced models in an email or text. Remember your inlaws brought up your spouse, and s/he turned out fine.

Why don't you just ask outright what their problem is with a rear facing seat? Sometimes people have genuine concerns. Baffles me why they won't just bring those out but they usually don't until they are asked.

Get DH to explain his concerns to you first, then tackle MIL as a united front.

And yes I think you're being fair - cheaper RF seat (Joie good as mentioned) or a high scoring FF seat. Unless you have an enormous baby they do fit into those baby capsules for absolutely ages, and if you'd prefer a fixed one, then any which is suitable from birth usually rear faces until 13kg and are often taller than a baby seat anyway, so you can easily keep them RF until 18m or longer even without an extended RF seat.

Just draw a hard line on avoiding the ultra cheap, Nania, Babystart, Argos own, Kiddicare Own and any of the other ones which are made by the same company ones.

It doesn't matter how well off they are, it's their money and you don't get to spend it for them. Simple solution I used with my dc over expensive designer versions of things I was prepared to pay the 'basic' version rate for - they have a fixed amount they want to spend and the models you want cost more therefore they give you their contribution and you pay the difference. Seems ridiculous to me to spend a huge amount on car seats that will only be used very rarely anyway, as a PP suggested, why not just put your car seats in their car on those occasions?

BTW it's not true that "cheap seats are generally not safe". ALL seats in the UK have passed safety standards. There are absolutely certain cheap brands I'd avoid but there are plenty of in between brands which are adequate even if not The Best - Mamas and Papas, Graco, Cosatto, Koochi, etc, and the basic Britax models have excellent safety too.

In Group 1 seats a telltale of the supercheap companies are when the straps adjust separately like backpack straps rather than being a single pull adjustment. If nothing else you could/should rule out seats with this feature, because it's fiddly to adjust especially if you'll only be using the seat periodically.

""Remember your inlaws brought up your spouse, and s/he turned out fine.""

That doesn't work with the car Seat argument. We've changed the law because children are no longer the sole property of the Parents/family to be put at any risk they see fit.

I'm nearly 50, I rode on the back of my Dads motorbike, from 4, without a helmet and obliviously without seat belts in the car. As did anyone of my age around today.

OP, price around, because cheaper seats don't mean that they aren't as safe. In the tests, it was the incorrect fitting of them and not buying the seat/base that suits the car.

IF you fly there, wouldnt it work out much cheaper to pay a bit extra to take your seat and check it in as luggage ?

That way you get the seat you are happy with and no one has to pay out a small fortune for something that isnt going to be used often enough to justify the cost.

£500 seems very expensive.
It's up to you if you want to spend that much of your own money on one for daily use by yourself, you'll need the durability as it'll be used every day.

But can see why inlaws don't want to spend so much on something that will be used half a dozen times. There's plenty of cheaper rear facing ones for way way less that are just as safe.

I remember watching something a while back about fitting them wrkng being the biggest risk. That a correctly fitted uk regulations £50 -£100 car seat is way safer than an ill fitted very expensive one.

Would taking your seat with you on the flight be an option?

Is the car seat one that will fit in an airline seat? In which case, take yours with you and strap your child into it on the plane - which you should do anyway as it is far safer than flying with a child sitting on your lap all ready to be flung around the cabin, or crushed between your body and the seat belt when you hit turbulence.

We had Britax Wizard car seats which are quite bulky. When the children were little they were strapped into them during the flight, when they were old enough to sit in the airline seats without them, we gate checked the car seats to go with the over-sized baggage.

send them a direct link to whatever seat you use in your own car

I see both points of you. Obviously you want the safest seat for your child. However, your child won't be in the car seat very often if visits are four or five times a year and it is a large sum of money for an occasionally used seat. If it was for your own everyday car, then I'd absolutely get the one that you want.

My inlaws sound similar, its the cheapest item MIL can find, whether it fits/is out of season/is needed or wanted is all irrelevant. It gets very tiresome.