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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wealthy in laws seem reluctant to spend money on a decent car seat

170 replies

LauraPalmersBodybag · 05/05/2017 00:35

...and now I'm arguing with my dh about it!

At no point has anyone come and said 'just choose a cheap one'....tbh, if they did at least it would be simpler. Instead they asked which one, I said I'd much prefer rear facing for as long as possible, gave some basic reasons why. My mil said 'all fine, whatever's safest and good value for money' but since then there's ongoing chat, an email sent suggestioning numerous cheap forward facing ones and now my dh and I just had a protracted and wearisome debate about it.

We were going to suggest they buy the same one as us, but somehow my dh finds that problematic. I'm sure he and his mum have been talking about it but he won't let on.

He challenged whatever research I'd found on rear facing, was hinting that there's no difference. I asked if money was the bottom line and said if it was just buy the best for their budget. He tells me no, but then says why spend £500 when you can spend £100....and "they're both safe drivers" "chances of a crash are minute".

They've got plenty of money, really. Absolutely fucking loads. Surely just buy one of the ones that tests really well.

I'm mostly pissed off because I feel like I have to continually defend my position and I end up taking the role of 'Hysterical Mother' arguing with my in laws which is so BORING.

AIBU???

OP posts:
Ginger782 · 05/05/2017 07:10

Oh and OP if they continue to say "we are good drivers we won't crash" you can say yes, you are good drivers and you may have to brake heavily to avoid an accident with someone who isn't a good driver. If baby is in a front facing seat, braking heavily could cause whiplash.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2017 07:17

I wouldn't want to take a vat seat on a flight personally as I think they chuck them around. We had a hbb damaged after I thought it would be fine.

But I'd be happy with a britax Prince or Eclipse, whichever their budget model I'd now.

famousfour · 05/05/2017 07:18

It all seems a but muddled - what can their objection to rear facing be if not the money? Does your DH feel you are coming across as precious? If so that is irrelevant in my view - I haven't the faintest concern about coming across precious where my children are concerned Grin

I think you need to either take your own car seat, come up with specific suitable cheaper suggestions for a rear facing option as suggested in this thread and/or pay for it yourself.

Fwiw I purchased the car seats for my children at both in laws houses. Both in laws are generous but we felt this was our cost. Same for travel cots etc at their houses.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 05/05/2017 07:18

I'm surprised people are so blasé about car seats in the hold. You have no idea what's happening to them down there. There's very chance that a baggage handler either at your end, or at your destination, will fling the seat up into the hold.

Given that advice is to replace a car seat after even a very minor car incident, I don't think you can be confident that a car seat flung about a hold with dozens of heavy suitcases hasn't also been compromised.

I'm not precious at all. My kids ride in forward facing cheapo seats 4/5 times a year at their grandparents. But I wouldn't put my car seat in the hold. And it's tightness on my part as much as anything else - I don't want to risk getting a damaged seat back and having to fork out for a new one.

annandale · 05/05/2017 07:21

I think sending inlaws Daily Mail links is asking for trouble in the future.

YANBU to want a rear facing car seat for your child. YABU not to pay for one, pay the difference or take your own. At least your inlaws will go for a car seat - my FIL thought I was ridiculous to want one and attempted to drive off with ds rolling on the back seat on a couple of occasions.

FruitCider · 05/05/2017 07:23

You can't just "take your car seat on the plane", there are no guarentees the ops car seat would fit in the in laws car!

Op I had similar argument with my in laws. I just told them - if the seat is not extended rear facing they will not be driving my child.

Mamabear14 · 05/05/2017 07:25

We have the joie every stage for our toddler. She's still rear facing at almost 2 and has plenty of room. It's a good, easily fitted comfy seat and it didn't break the bank.

SquatBetty · 05/05/2017 07:30

I took a car seat in the hold, flying with BA, long haul to the USA. We just put it in one of those cheapo plastic stripy laundry bags and it was absolutely fine. Perhaps we were just lucky though.

As for it fitting in the in-laws car, surely you can check online which makes/models of car the seat will fit in beforehand?

Auspiciouspanda · 05/05/2017 07:32

I have the simplist solution, don't visit 😬

welshweasel · 05/05/2017 07:35

We go abroad a lot. Sometimes hire a car, often rely on taxis. In my mind taking our erf seat (that we know the history of) with us and accepting the small chance of damage in the hold is better than having him either in a ff seat that's broken/been in an accident/unsuitable for his size or not in a seat at all. I have been amazed at the number of countries we have visited where you just don't see kids in car seats. Unless there's an alternative that I haven't thought of, being pearl clutchy about taking a seat with you is rather unnecessary. And if you get a seat such as the every stage, you can pretty much guarantee it will fit in whatever car you end up in, we've not found one yet where the fitting was an issue and it's been in loads.

Sunshinegirl82 · 05/05/2017 07:37

I wasn't suggesting that the OP forward her in laws the link but that she show her DH to help convince him that his idea that there is "no difference" between rearward and forward facing seats is wrong. It's clear she needs to get him on side here as at the moment he doesn't seem to be.

fanfrickintastic · 05/05/2017 07:39

YANBU. I'm a stickler for car safety. Smyth's toys (online) have the Joie every stage for £149.99 at the moment- it fits 99% of cars and is rear facing to 18kg, forward facing to 36kg

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2017 07:39

Outside of the rear vs forward facing debate the rest of the cost difference is style and brand safety and functionality is the same. All car seats have to pass strict safety standards. My rear facing seat til 18kg was 120

PocketNiffler · 05/05/2017 07:46

This one is highly rated, rear faces longer than most and you can use it in the cabin on the plane (forward facing). Suitable from birth too and currently £175.

www.amazon.co.uk/Diono-Radian-Seat-Group-Plus/dp/B01DU74HCG?th=1&psc=1

(It is much more complicated to fit etc than our other car seat though)

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 05/05/2017 07:46

I'd love to say here that we will just buy one ourselves but we genuinely can't afford to right now. Also, if money is the issue, we will choose a cheap one.

This line said it all for me. You're far to expecting with other peoples money. If you would buy cheap then you have no right to expect anyone else to purchase expensive models.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 05/05/2017 07:46

Plenty of rear-facing car seats that aren't £500! No point in buying a really expensive one if you're just going to use it 4-5 times per year, just get one that meets UK regulations (which are very strict).

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 05/05/2017 07:47

Agree with PP that you either

  1. Child not allowed in car without car seat approved by you
  2. Pay yourself when you have the money
  3. Take carseaf with you in the hold, but check the cost to replace if it's damaged and whether your insurer will cover

I would not allow my DS to be forward facing For any journey with any safe driver. My DH and I are both good drivers however we have ERF seats in each of our cars and if we let anyone else drive him we fit the carseaf into their car after checking it's suitable for their car type. You can be a "safe driver" and not be able to avoid a collision.

Mothercare recently had ERF maxicosi and Joie on sale - both approved to the new Isize standards. We.purchased the Joie one as it provided the base for free so £200 total. Only a/v online so you could have that delivered to the DGPs if you could afford it

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 05/05/2017 07:49

Forgot to say, forward facing car seats are illegal in most developed countries until the age of 4, so please don't allow them to buy a forward facing seat!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 05/05/2017 07:50

UK law is only till 15 months, but still:

www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/using-a-child-car-seat-or-booster-seat

santini · 05/05/2017 07:55

So, what would happen if they hadn't offered? Presumeably, you would still source one yourselves. If you can't afford it, you take your existing one don't you or hire one. What if they only want to spend £50 - £100 on one and is probably outraged by the thought of a top of the range £500 price tag. If you want it, you pay the vast difference otherwise, in the real world, you'll settle for what is actually in your budget. It's a no brainer!

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 05/05/2017 07:56

I've been in a similar position to you, in the end I bought the car seats (2 DC) and that was the end of it. No, I couldn't afford the top of the range erf ones but I did find the cheaper alternatives just as safe. As much as I understand your issue it's never going to be solved, take matters into your own hands. I had the same with car seats, a pushchair, bedding - they just didn't see things the same way as I did because their generation just wasn't informed like we are now.

I did point my mum in the direction of car seat safety literature and it scared the life out of her, she hates driving with my DC in the car now so it wasn't exactly a success.

grumpysquash3 · 05/05/2017 07:57

Genuine question, when did it become a thing to have toddlers reverse facing until 25kg?
When my DC were little (youngest now 11), babies were reverse facing (up to 9kg) then forward facing with a 5 point harness. So forward facing from about 8 or 9 months old depending on size.
Do reverse facing toddlers get car sick?

jarhead123 · 05/05/2017 07:57

I think if you can't afford to buy your own, you can't then insist they buy a £500 one.

They perhaps need to say to you, "we'll buy it, the limit is £x amount"

YABU