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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wealthy in laws seem reluctant to spend money on a decent car seat

170 replies

LauraPalmersBodybag · 05/05/2017 00:35

...and now I'm arguing with my dh about it!

At no point has anyone come and said 'just choose a cheap one'....tbh, if they did at least it would be simpler. Instead they asked which one, I said I'd much prefer rear facing for as long as possible, gave some basic reasons why. My mil said 'all fine, whatever's safest and good value for money' but since then there's ongoing chat, an email sent suggestioning numerous cheap forward facing ones and now my dh and I just had a protracted and wearisome debate about it.

We were going to suggest they buy the same one as us, but somehow my dh finds that problematic. I'm sure he and his mum have been talking about it but he won't let on.

He challenged whatever research I'd found on rear facing, was hinting that there's no difference. I asked if money was the bottom line and said if it was just buy the best for their budget. He tells me no, but then says why spend £500 when you can spend £100....and "they're both safe drivers" "chances of a crash are minute".

They've got plenty of money, really. Absolutely fucking loads. Surely just buy one of the ones that tests really well.

I'm mostly pissed off because I feel like I have to continually defend my position and I end up taking the role of 'Hysterical Mother' arguing with my in laws which is so BORING.

AIBU???

OP posts:
TerrorAustralis · 05/05/2017 02:42

Take your own seat when you visit them. Problem solved.

StealthPolarBear · 05/05/2017 02:51

Will people read the thread. Op is happy for them to spend less or for op herself to pay. Bit they're not accepting either of those options and just arguing with her thay she is wrong.

Ginger782 · 05/05/2017 02:57

Agree with the others who have suggested take your own seat when you fly to visit them.
You can either book a seat for baby on the plane with your car seat OR most airlines allow you to check a carseat free if baby is travelling on your lap.
Then there is no need for arguements and no need for extra $ to be spent.

Another alternative - look into hiring a seat from a local baby store or hire company when you visit.

TerrorAustralis · 05/05/2017 03:13

OR most airlines allow you to check a carseat free if baby is travelling on your lap.

If you do check the seat in, keep the original box and use that to protect it. We had a carseat damaged during transit.

24HourTrainer · 05/05/2017 03:39

I've never had a problem checking in a car seat for free as an additional item and outside of the weight restrictions.

As a PP said, all of the UK-sold car seats pass the same safety checks so yes, you're being very unreasonable. I think commenting on you in-law's financial state is in poor taste. It has nothing to do with you and, do you know how wealthy people stay wealthy, by understanding the value of things. I've noticed a real correlation between lower-income and extremely expensive pushchairs and car seats.

Frazzledmum123 · 05/05/2017 04:02

Stralthpolarbear - I think actually you haven't read the post properly, she actually said she'd love to just say she'll pay but they can't afford it right now

I do get where you're coming from OP but I also think Yabu. I have wealthy in laws and we really aren't but we paid for our own car seats for them and we had to buy them 2 as we had 2 dc (will have to buy a third soon). My inlaws are very generous and spend a lot on my kids but I'd never have expected them to pay for these. Ok do they offered and that's great but then you have to go with what they are prepared to pay, regardless of your thoughts, ultimately like another poster said, they will have to have passed a safety test.

If it really worries you I'd say to them 'I'm sorry if I sound neurotic but I'm just not comfortable with them using that, please get this one and we will pay the difference as I understand it's not fair for you to spend so much on something that won't get used very often' and stick to your guns, transfer them the extra if they start to argue again. I just don't think you can say you can't afford it, sorry but it is your child and if you want an expensive item for them you have to buy it

I do get the frustration though of asking your opinion then ignoring it

Frazzledmum123 · 05/05/2017 04:04

*excuse the typos at the start and the excessive use of 'actually'!!

Honeypickle · 05/05/2017 05:49

Absolutely take your own car seat with you, you'll need it to get to and from the airport anyway. On BA and easyJet flights, you can check them in the hold for free.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/05/2017 05:57

I couldn't face the hassle of taking an ERF car seat on a flight 4 times a year, but happily I can afford to buy another one. I found eBay was a good place for brand new car seats from business sellers where the box had been opened. It works best if you've identified the brand and model you want.

Yanbu to want a safe solution. I wanted ERF for everything. After 9-12m, I agreed to buy my mum a forward facing car seat as it was too difficult to get DS in and out of it. He continues to use ERF in the bigger cars.

SquatBetty · 05/05/2017 06:02

Another one saying why can't you just take your car seat on the plane? Yes it's an arse to cart it about but sounds like this is the simplest solution.

Quickieat2 · 05/05/2017 06:05

Car seats are one of the things you shouldn't buy second hand unless through a reliable friend.

Maybe look at the cheaper rear facing models and offer to give the £50 towards it.

claraschu · 05/05/2017 06:05

Why don't you bring your seat with you?

I could afford it, but I wouldn't choose to spend £500 on something that gets used a few times and makes no difference. I wouldn't believe that the brand of car seat would make any sort of a significant difference to the life chances of a baby being carefully driven for a short space of time on quiet roads.

Chrisinthemorning · 05/05/2017 06:07

My parents and my MIL are both comfortably off but we still bought DS car seat for their cars. It didn't seem fair to ask them to pay.
We kept DS rear facing until 18kg (the 25kg RF ers hadn't really come in then) in our main car. We decided to get 123 seats for grandparents though, it was a compromise. They don't take him on long journeys or motorways. We got kiddy guardians.

WeAllHaveWings · 05/05/2017 06:07

You want an 2nd car seat for your convenience when visiting you buy it, within your budget (which won't be the expensive one!)

If your in laws offer to buy the seat you were going to purchase, thank them and accept.

You don't decide because your in laws are offering and loaded you go for the best seat on the market.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2017 06:11

Dh and I are very hot on safety. We always took dds car seat with us in the hold. You are not painting yourself in a good light here. A bit of a princess tbh. My mother is worth a pretty penny. She never even offered to buy a car seat for her car for dd or anything else and she drives dd around a lot more than that. It doesn't cost much to take the car seat in a hold. You can buy a massive cardboard box and use the spaces to pack it out with a few lightweight toys - we always used to put the water play toys with the car seat, no problem.

headhurtstoomuch · 05/05/2017 06:18

Let you in laws give you a budget of how much they'd like to spend and find something within that range. YABU. What if their reduced budget is still more than what you can afford if you have to pay the bill yourself? They are being generous to pay for a car seat accept it gracefully.

Btw have you bought the £500 car seat for your own house as well?

Bananamanfan · 05/05/2017 06:27

Exact same problem with my in laws, they were even trying to wade in to the debate about what seat we were buying for our car. I bought seats for their car that were Which "best buys" (a big range of prices). Recently they wanted to get rid of the seats & put my 3 yr old on a backless booster, so i bought 2 more seats that are highback boosters. I had exactly the same role as you. If they're such good drivers, let your dc just roll around on the back seat.Confused

Donthate · 05/05/2017 06:38

Of course you can take your car seat with you when you fly. I have done it loads of times!

Sunshinegirl82 · 05/05/2017 07:00

I don't blame you for wanting to stick with rear facing, even in an occasional seat. There is an article somewhere where a family were involved in a crash. Both children in car seats one forward facing one rearward. The child rearward facing got away with a bruise, the forward facing child suffered life changing spinal injuries. Perhaps find it and direct your DH to it!

I think the issue really is that if they just admitted they didn't want to spend quite so much on a seat (which I can understand for occasional use) then you could deal with that by finding something appropriate in their budget or paying the difference. It's the sending links to cheap seats but saying it's not about the money that is the issue?

I would tell DH that rear facing is non negotiable then perhaps look at the Joie range for a cheaper erf seat. We have the I-anchor advance in dh's car which we got for £175 with a free base. Joie Tilt and Joie stages also rear face until 18kg and are cheaper, the Tilt is only about £70.

sugarplumfairy28 · 05/05/2017 07:04

It's a tricky one because while yes it is their money and they offered, you still need to feel that your child is safe. Seeing as the issue hasn't been stated as money, you need to find out why they want a forward facing one and not a rear facing one. Once you know that, and baring in mind car seat laws then you can talk about it more productively.

When my DC were born, my parents looked after my children 2 or 3 times a week, and my mil once a week, my step mil perhaps had them in the car 4-5 times a year, I provided all the car seats. My Mum got a bonus and wanted to buy a stroller for at her house, I got very little say in it. I think it was because she wanted the excitement of buying and choosing it herself. So long as it age appropriate that was the main thing.

NapQueen · 05/05/2017 07:05

Take your carseat when you fly.

Ginger782 · 05/05/2017 07:07

I'm not sure if OP said how old her child is? Here is Australia it's a legal requirement to have them rear facing for the first 6 months minimum, then it's recommended as the safest option until they are 2 years old.

The inlaws arguement that front facing is just as safe is absolute rot. The main reason is rear facing prevents whiplash, which in a tiny person can cause internal decapitation even in a minor accident.

welshweasel · 05/05/2017 07:07

The joie every stage is on offer for £150 currently at smyths. It's a brilliant seat, suitable from birth to 12 years, ERF and easy to transport and swap between cars (we regularly take ours on flights and put in in and out of taxis etc with no bother, it's no more difficult than fitting an infant seat). There is no need to spend £500. Why not ask them if they'd be prepared to buy one of those. If they won't agree to that then you've got a problem.

Dishwashersaurous · 05/05/2017 07:09

For 4/5 times a year take your car seat with you.

Batwomanrisesagain · 05/05/2017 07:10

I think you need to buy the car seat! I would never expect my parents to buy a seat in this situation. Or ever really!