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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is 32 and 36 young to lose both parents

203 replies

Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 21:51

I'm struggling at the moment. My dad passed away almost 6 years ago when i was 32 and my mum passed away last year when i was 36. Most of my friends have both their parents and all have at least one surviving parent. I know it's the grief talking but i'm feeling so upset when i think how many years are ahead with out them, i can't hardly bare thinking of it.

My mum was in her sixties when she lost her mum and my dad was in his fifties when his mum died.

I know there are children who lose their parents at a young age so I know I am lucky to have had them for as long as i have but I can't shift this horrible feeling of isolation and anxiety and i suppose a bit of fear that I have no birth family left. I have my husband and children but it's not the same.

I know I need to speak to a grief councillor but it's finding the time when i don't have my youngest as he is only 2 and I don't have anyone to have him and I couldn't take him with me as I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I don't really know what i'm asking, just want to see if anyone else is in the same position and how you dealt with it? I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this.

Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over.

OP posts:
UnaPalomaBlanca · 22/07/2017 21:26

Yes that's fairly young. And it is hard, especially if you have no siblings.
I was 44 when my last parent died. I felt orphaned but felt ridiculous for feeling that way at 44. Even worse when my husband died 4 months later. I really feel the weight of lone responsibility for my children. I rely heavily, emotionally, on my siblings.
Re counselling, Cruse might come to your house whilst your 2 Yr old is napping or in the evening.
You can't really let go, knowing your children are in the house, but it is obviously better than having no counselling at all.

PurpleTraitor · 22/07/2017 21:30

I am sorry for your losses.

I understand the odd feeling. I won't say much more but I do understand it. It's becoming the keeper of the family history.

Lost mine at 13 and 25 OP.

Chattycat78 · 22/07/2017 22:04

Me too. Lost mum at 30. Dad at 32. Had to basically sell my childhood home age 32. I have a brother but he's not really that great a support and lives miles away. I maybe see him twice a year.

Since my parents died I've had 2 dc. TBH the grief has got worse since they've been born- the fact my kids will never meet them.

It is shit. I feel the same as you. I cry sometimes still when I'm alone. I also found it awful not having a mum to ring when I had a newborn to ask anything baby related.

I've thought about counselling too. Not sure...I think I have a lot of unresolved issues because of it all tbh.

Flowers
Chattycat78 · 22/07/2017 22:09

And yeah Christmas and "happy" occasions aren't so happy after all. I found Mother's Day the worst one tbh. Literally passing the card shops would destroy me. It's not quite as bad now, but still.

pinklemonade84 · 22/07/2017 22:12

It's definitely young.

We lost Dad 8 years ago when I was 25. And we lost mum this year not long after I'd turned 33 (my youngest brother was 20 and 28).

It breaks my heart everyday that dd won't remember who her Nana was and that she never got to meet her Grandad [sa]d

Sending you gentle hugs xxx

Localher0 · 22/07/2017 22:17

It's hard at any age. I lost my dad at 30 but my nephew and niece lost both their parents before they had turned 21. They died within 18 months of each other. My heart breaks for them...

OurMiracle1106 · 22/07/2017 22:20

It feels too young. My dad passed when I was 15 months old and my mum passed when I was 24, both lost their battles with cancer. It feels very unfair sometimes that I have lost both of mine.

I miss my mum terribly. I feel like I've lost a major piece.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 22/07/2017 22:26

yes, it's young. I'm sorry.
i lost both my parents by the time I was 20. I'm now 39, and everyone I know of roughly the same age still has one surviving parent. DH still has a grandparent.

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 22/07/2017 22:37

I was 49 when I lost my mum and 66 when I lost my dad.

Letsgotocornwall · 22/07/2017 22:41

It is young, as everyone else has said. Your feelings are completely valid. My DF died when I was a child and my DM when I was 36. I feel completely bereft and like an orphan. I desperately wish my children could have had more time with them as they have no GPs now.

DoorsAndWater · 22/07/2017 22:41

Yes absolutely it is young, I lost my mum two years ago at 34 and I feel completely lost some days without her, I'm so very sorry for your losses, losing your mum and dad must be incredibly difficult. I really wish I could say something to help but I know that's no comfort, just sending you love and kind thoughts Flowers

Ysolla · 22/07/2017 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fannydaggerz · 22/07/2017 23:25

I think it's young. I'm so sorry that you've lost both your parents.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/07/2017 23:36

I lost my only parent at 16 so I don't think it's particularly young. DH still has both parents at 50 and that is unusual compared to our peers.

StrawberrySquash · 22/07/2017 23:38

Yes, it's young. I really feel for my cousins on the other side of the family who are in a similar place to you. My mum was only a little older than you when she lost both parents and it hit her really hard. The not having anyone to talk to about your past life, it made her feel very unmoored, I think. And don't feel guilty about feeling the 'wrong' sort of grief; a second bad thing can sort of overwhelm the first. No such thing as wrong grief.

MaMisled · 22/07/2017 23:57

I was 22 when I lost my father, 30 when I lost my Mother. I too felt very orphaned! I always resented my friends still having their parents but, now I'm much older, I'm kind of relieved I don't have elderly parents because I'd worry terribly about them.

So sorry for your loss.

Frazzle76 · 23/07/2017 00:07

Me too!!
My dad died when I was 23 and my mum in Jan when I was 6 months pregnant.
The grief is sometimes overwhelming and I am so jealous of people who have their parents.
It's nice to talk to other people who've lost their parents because no one else understands that grief.
When it's bad I come on here and look at the bereavement pages so I don't feel so alone.
Sending love xxx

MinnieSprinkles · 23/07/2017 00:11

Hope you are ok x
Lost my mum at 26. Dad is still alive.

khajiit13 · 23/07/2017 00:14

I lost my dad at 18. He lost his dad at 13. My mum is still here, she is my person. I don't want to think about the future

loaferloveforyou · 23/07/2017 01:18

I realise this is an old-ish thread but I just wanted to say I don't think it matters how old you are, losing your parents is going to be hard.

I'm lucky, I'm 32 and still have my parents around. My dad was 18 when he lost his dad but in his 50s when he lost his mum. Doesn't make is any easier no matter how old you are Flowers

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/07/2017 02:16

It is young.

I'm into my 50's and most people I know still have at least one parent left.

I lost mine at 19 and 46.

OlivesandCheese · 23/07/2017 07:57

I'm 36 and I lost dad when I was 35 and my darling husband when I was 33. God knows what I would do if I lost my mum now - she's my best friend. It's young and it hurts but my sons were 10 and 11 when their father passed away so I find it hard to feel any sympathy for myself.
Maybe that's why I'm such a mess in private - but nobody knows it except me and...now all of you.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 23/07/2017 08:29

I lost my only sibling as a child and my mum 4 months ago when I was/am 38.

It had been just the two of us since I was a young teenager and we were very close. It doesn't feel tragically young to lose her, but most of my contemporaries and those a fair bit older, still seem to have both their parents. But maybe I just know a lot of lucky people!

There seems to be an assumption, at least in western countries, that people in their 20s/30s/40s will still have their parents.

A colleague in her 50s who lost both parents in her late 40s says she still encounters that expectation from other people, who seem shocked that she's an "orphan" aged 55!

apostropheuse · 23/07/2017 08:40

I lost both my parents when I Was 38. They died five months apart, aged 62 and 65. I was totally and utterly devastated. In fact I did actually feel like an orphan. It took my years to get over it, but it happened eventually.

Mollieben · 23/07/2017 08:41

My dad died when i was 13 and my mum when i was 20. Although to other people i have coped well with this, it is very hard. I sometimes feel very alone. I have a sister but she very rarely talks about our parents and I would like to talk about them with her. The lack of extended family is heartbreaking - i feel my children are missing out. My dh lost his mum 5 years ago which was a massive blow as it leaves my 2 children with only one grandparent. Thinking of you op xx

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