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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is 32 and 36 young to lose both parents

203 replies

Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 21:51

I'm struggling at the moment. My dad passed away almost 6 years ago when i was 32 and my mum passed away last year when i was 36. Most of my friends have both their parents and all have at least one surviving parent. I know it's the grief talking but i'm feeling so upset when i think how many years are ahead with out them, i can't hardly bare thinking of it.

My mum was in her sixties when she lost her mum and my dad was in his fifties when his mum died.

I know there are children who lose their parents at a young age so I know I am lucky to have had them for as long as i have but I can't shift this horrible feeling of isolation and anxiety and i suppose a bit of fear that I have no birth family left. I have my husband and children but it's not the same.

I know I need to speak to a grief councillor but it's finding the time when i don't have my youngest as he is only 2 and I don't have anyone to have him and I couldn't take him with me as I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I don't really know what i'm asking, just want to see if anyone else is in the same position and how you dealt with it? I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this.

Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over.

OP posts:
summerisleair · 04/05/2017 22:08

I feel that so many normal things others can enjoy are not and never will be mine. It saddens me.

Trb17 · 04/05/2017 22:09

My mum died when I was 11. My dad died when I was 39. There's no right age but the impact was more severe as a child.

Mrstumbletap · 04/05/2017 22:10

It's bloody crap and so annoying when your friends have both of theirs. I hate it when I see old ladies walking down their street with their EVEN older mothers. I feel like screaming "how is that fair?!" How do they you get to be old and still have your mum? It isn't fair.

But no one said life would be fair.

Cleanermaidcook · 04/05/2017 22:10

I lost my dad at 10 and mum at 21 so it doesn't feel young to me. However if it's really affecting you can you get some grief counselling? Sorry for your loss op. X

RainbowPastel · 04/05/2017 22:10

My DH lost his Dad at 20 and his Mum at 26.

My Dad still has his Mum alive at 72 his Dad died when he was 41.

AgathaMystery · 04/05/2017 22:12

It's very young. I'm so sorry Flowers

BeastofCraggyIsland · 04/05/2017 22:14

I think it is young to have lost both parents, I'm so sorry OP Flowers

SwedishEdith · 04/05/2017 22:16

It is young. I'm sorry. I understand about the grief of one stops you grieving/thinking about the other as well. I was 24 when my dad died - my mil is in her 70s and still has her dad.

user1493759849 · 04/05/2017 22:17

Yes early to mid 30's is way too young to lose both parents. You should not lose your parents til you're middle aged yourself (like 45-50.) Me and my DH lost both sets of parents before we were 30. We both have a sibling each, but aren't close. No rift just not close. Each sibling has a partner whose parents are still alive though, whereas me and DH don't.

Like 'still driving' we never benefited from the practical and emotional support that many of our peer group had, and it made me angry and bitter sometimes many years ago. It has been very tough indeed and we have had to grow very thick skins. And it can be very upsetting to see people in their 40's and 50's with parents, when mine are long gone, and it's sad to see other children with grandparents when yours have none. None of my children ever knew having grandparents and it makes me so sad.

It has made us very strong though, and our little family unit is fiercely tight. We would die for each other and have an utterly brilliant relationship with our young adult children.

But yeah, losing parents under 35 (under 30 in our case) was very tough. Even now, not a week goes by when I don't wish they were still here. To see our beautiful children, to see the 21st century in all it's glory, and to spend time with us.

If I could have 3 wishes, one of them would be to have both sets of parents back for a year. I love my children, I love my life, and I love my husband, but it makes my soul cry when I think about losing my parents in my late 20's.

bigredtractor · 04/05/2017 22:18

Yes, its young. I was 24 When my dad passed away and 29 when my mum did. I feel for you and also get overwhelmed sometimes, so just wanted to reach out and give you a (virtual) hug.

TheElephantofSurprise · 04/05/2017 22:18

It isn't self-pity. Flowers

oohloolala · 04/05/2017 22:18

It's awful and you have every right to feel how you do. It does get easier. I lost my parents when I was 23, like you I missed (and still miss) my mum so much. The feelings around my dad's death were mostly guilt as we had a difficult relationship. It's shaped who I am, in a good way (I think) but still makes me so sad to think about it. Be kind to yourself and allow time for grief. It's a really hard time.

OlennasWimple · 04/05/2017 22:19

Yes, it is young Flowers

(And a timely reminder that I need to appreciate mine more while they are still around)

Noteventhebestdrummer · 04/05/2017 22:20

It's shit. I lost mine when I was 20 and 23 and it's made a difference to every day of the rest of my life, I have a lot of kids and I am happy but I have felt the loss for 30+ years.
It has helped me to accept that other people are luckier and that's nice for them. It has helped to enjoy friendships from much older people. It has helped to be angry sometimes.
I talk to my adult kids about the grandparents they didn't know and they look and sound like them to some degree, that is a lovely thing.
I recognise in other people the look that shows they too are adult orphans and I try to help. But...it's hard.

user1493759849 · 04/05/2017 22:20

Also wanted to add that I also find it sad and hard to swallow when I see someone older than me (say mid to late 50's,) with their parents still alive. Jane McDonald is an example; she has a brilliant relationship with her mother, and Jane is about 50! I really envy that. I would love to have my parents still here, and for them to be grandparents to my children. Sad

SirVixofVixHall · 04/05/2017 22:22

I have many feelings in common with you but I am early 50s. My Dad died four years ago and my Mum 12 months ago. Like you I feel I'm thinking more of my Mum. Much of what you describe feels like processing grief, I too am shocked at having no parents, irrationally jealous of DH whose parents are still alive, and struggling with getting my head round this new world where I no longer have the family I grew up in. You are younger than average to lose your parents, yes. I have had children as an older mother and I constantly worry about how long I will be around for the dcs. I would have loved to have children younger and so get more time with them myself, but also for them to have time with my parents. They never knew my Dad as a well person, or remember him much. They don't remember much of the time before my Mum became ill either, so it is painful to see friends with their very hands-on parents being lovely grandparents. It is very sad that your parents don't have more years with you. I'm sorry you are in this situation. The only thing i can say to comfort you is that your parents are here, in you. I am more aware of the things I carry from each parent, since I have lost them. Flowers to you.

Goodythreeshoes · 04/05/2017 22:22

Sorry for your losses OP. Yes, it is young. I was 49 when I lost my mum and I'm fortunate to still have my dad who is still in reasonable health and I'm 58. I'm lucky that my mum saw my DC almost to adulthood and was able to enjoy their childhood. They benefited enourmously having her in their lives. I'm so grateful for that.

Scandelicious · 04/05/2017 22:22

This thread has struck a chord. I was a bit older but still young to lose both and it bloody hurts. It's such a huge hole especially with kids missing out on grandparents and there's fuck all you can do about it.

Goodythreeshoes · 04/05/2017 22:23

Sorry, dreadful spelling.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 04/05/2017 22:24

Hi Freddo, sorry you're feeling so isolated and anxious. It is hard when you don't have roots anymore isn't it. I lost both my parents in my 30s and it is hard going through life experiences, DCs, divorce, new jobs, meeting new man, without having the support of your parents.

I hear other people talking about having two interested sets of GPs, helping with childcare and support and I do feel I'm missing out. My DP lost his mum as a teenager so he does understand to a certain extent, but he still has his dad and is close to his siblings, whereas I don't see much of my siblings and feel very much alone in the world.

It feels melodramatic to call myself an orphan in my 40s and I know of plenty of people who lost parents at a much younger age, but whatever age you are you will miss them.

I go for many days or even weeks without really thinking about them, which feels sad now I say it, but occasionally I will dream about them or think about them and it brings it all back.

No advice about how to deal with it, but just letting you know you're not alone Flowers

dustmotesinthesun · 04/05/2017 22:24

It is young and I feel very much for people who have to negotiate life without their parents. I can't imagine it's easy losing them at any age but of course in your thirties you still want them around. My mum lost her mum when she was 60 and I do look at her and think how lucky she was. I hope my mum is around when I'm 60. That would be amazing.

Be gentle with yourself. You must feel very lost and sad at times and that's ok.

Luhannahx · 04/05/2017 22:24

I lost my dad when I was 7 and I have just lost my mum at 34. Yes, I do think it's too young. I also feel robbed.

My mum only died last month so I finding it really tough at the moment. I don't really have advice or wisdom.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 04/05/2017 22:25

And yes I do also feel bad for my kids not having GPs - they notice the void and wish they had a bigger family. I need to make more effort to widen our social circle to have other adults in their lives Sad

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/05/2017 22:26

Yes Flowers it's young and it's very sad and I understand what you say

Don't feel like you can't grieve OP

That's ever so sad and it's understandable to feel sad x

I lost my dad - bit the thought of
Losing my mum too scares
Me and I am 43

Get some grief counseling and look after yourself - and don't suppress it and allow
Yourself to feel this way

Marvellousmarg · 04/05/2017 22:27

Lost my dad when I was 23. Mum became an alcoholic. She died when I was 42.

It's shit, very isolating.

Not as shit as it was for dh though. He had lost both parents by the age of 11.