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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is 32 and 36 young to lose both parents

203 replies

Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 21:51

I'm struggling at the moment. My dad passed away almost 6 years ago when i was 32 and my mum passed away last year when i was 36. Most of my friends have both their parents and all have at least one surviving parent. I know it's the grief talking but i'm feeling so upset when i think how many years are ahead with out them, i can't hardly bare thinking of it.

My mum was in her sixties when she lost her mum and my dad was in his fifties when his mum died.

I know there are children who lose their parents at a young age so I know I am lucky to have had them for as long as i have but I can't shift this horrible feeling of isolation and anxiety and i suppose a bit of fear that I have no birth family left. I have my husband and children but it's not the same.

I know I need to speak to a grief councillor but it's finding the time when i don't have my youngest as he is only 2 and I don't have anyone to have him and I couldn't take him with me as I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I don't really know what i'm asking, just want to see if anyone else is in the same position and how you dealt with it? I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this.

Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over.

OP posts:
1nsanityscatching · 04/05/2017 22:28

I was 17 when I lost my mum and 31 when I lost my Dad. I'm almost fifty now and see the parents of people I went to school with in the obituary column with increasing regularity in the last couple of years and feel cheated tbh.

zen1 · 04/05/2017 22:29

That is young OPFlowers. DMIL is 71 and still has both parents alive. I find that hard to get my head round sometimes.

Unjudgemental · 04/05/2017 22:29

I lost my mum when I was 8 and my dad at 26. I often dream of how different and easier things would be if they were here.

I think of them each in different ways. I don't remember very much about my mum but as I was so young think of her almost like a fairy tale character. My dad was a fantastic dad but being an adult remember him faults and all.

Sorry for your loss.

Hotdamn · 04/05/2017 22:29

It's young - and horrid. My parents never met my children, and I listen to friends who've had a difficult week because their husbands work away so they've had to ask their parents over to help. I listen and nod. It's so hard not to scream obscenities at them (I'm a single parent too) so I imagine punching them in the face instead

steff13 · 04/05/2017 22:30

I lost my dad at 21 and my mom at 24. But, yeah, it's young.

moreslackthanslick · 04/05/2017 22:30

It's very young Flowers I was 36 losing mum and 44 losing dad (this year) so I had a few years longer than you and still feel robbed.

I have friends in their mid to late fifties with both parents and sometimes cry about the unfairness of it all.

Hugs OP.

Hotdamn · 04/05/2017 22:30

😁

hollieberrie · 04/05/2017 22:31

I lost both mine in recent years (I'm 37). Its caused me a massive sense of isolation and anger / jealousy - all my friends still have their parents and no-one gets it at all. Its been shattering and i feel like i'll never recover from it tbh. I miss them so much.
So sorry for your loss OP. Its good to hear from others that it gets easier. Try counselling maybe, thats helping me.

user1493759849 · 04/05/2017 22:32

Yeah it really made me scream with rage (internally!) when one child after another at the kids school spend this weekend and that weekend with grandparents, and we never got any help from anyone. No time off, no couple time together, no nothing. We love our kids of course, but the odd weekend without them would have been nice. Grin

steff13 · 04/05/2017 22:33

So, do you not having siblings, OP? I have to say, having my brother was a huge comfort when my parents passed. It was just nice having that other person who was in the same boat as me, so to speak.

LarkDescending · 04/05/2017 22:33

Yes, it's young. I am 48 and am lucky enough to have both parents still going strong, physically and mentally, in their 80s. Most of my friends of similar age also have both parents alive, and I can't think of any who have lost both.

Sorry for your losses OP and all the others mentioned on the thread Flowers

Tootsiepops · 04/05/2017 22:34

I lost my dad 4 years ago when I was 33, and my mum just last year. Some days the injustice of it is almost too much to bear.

By contrast, my best friend (same age as me) still has both her maternal and paternal grandmothers.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 22:36

Thank you for all of your replies and i'm sorry to everyone else in a similar situation. In regards to how i feel about losing my mum i was wondering if its because i lost my last parent or whether its the fact it's my mum.

When my dad died i became much closer to my mum and she looked after my 9 month old son when i went back to work and i think it kept her going as she was a full time carer to my dad in the end.

I feel my children have missed out as she thought the world of them and they of her. I also want another baby and i can't imagine her not being there during pregnancy and not being involved in a new baby's life.

There have been happy things that have happened during this last year but although i have been happy there is this emptiness and heavy sadness.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 04/05/2017 22:36

I think it is young. My dh and I are in our 40s and 50s and have a full set of parents between us.

Sorry about your loss.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 22:38

Steff13, no i don't have any siblings which is something i have always found difficult but especially now.

OP posts:
StorminaBcup · 04/05/2017 22:40

I was 28 and 34 when I lost my DF and DM. If I'm being totally honest I haven't really grieved properly for my DM yet (and we had a complex relationship) but it has definitely changed my perspective on life and as a pp has said, I did feel orphaned. I remember thinking that there was no one left to tell me off!

It's a really strange situation to be in at this age I think, although not particularly unusual I only know one other person who has lost both parents. Having a family has really bought the loss home to me. I also think it makes me look aloof when I don't discuss my parents helping out, with people I meet at baby clubs but it's a bit of a conversation killer when you announce your parents are dead.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP, it's a cliche but you will find a way to live with it. Some grief counsellors will do phone appointments, perhaps you could arrange something that works for you and your family?

Alyosha · 04/05/2017 22:42

So sorry for your loss. I think it is young.

I hope you're doing well, remember there's no shame in seeking out additional help.

Storminateapot · 04/05/2017 22:42

My Dad died suddenly on my 30th birthday. Utter trauma for us all and it still leaves my birthday and his death inextricably bound. I've learned to make it a special double remembrance for us both.

I still have my Mum nearly 20 years later. I just know not to take her for granted.

notanevilstepmother · 04/05/2017 22:43

Sorry for your loss.

Izzy24 · 04/05/2017 22:43

Very sad for everyone who has lost their parents- and yes OP I think it is young.

I still miss my mum 20 years on. I feel really sad when I see other mums and daughters out shopping together or having a coffee or a meal. Really really sad.

GoatLePew · 04/05/2017 22:45

Very much identify with what you've said about feeling like an orphan OP. I feel somewhat cheated out of more years with my parents.
I was 25 when my dad died, 38 when my mum died. I was very close to her and still miss her now, many years later.
I had some grief counselling and TBH I'm not sure how much it helped, but if you can make some time, by all means give it a try.
Flowers OP.

mumofthemonsters808 · 04/05/2017 22:45

I have a 15 year old daughter and 5 of her school friends have a parent who has died.My heart breaks for a 6th friend who has recently lost her Mum , having lost her Dad six months ago.Yet my 50 year old friend still has her Grandma, life is so very unfair.

So sorry for your loss.

brownear · 04/05/2017 22:48

Sorry for your losses. As you say, it sounds like talking to a grief councillor might help you come to term with things and work through your grief.

I know it's hard to see at the moment, but perhaps with time you will be able to look back at the years you did have with them and think yourself lucky, rather than thinking of what could have been.

It's best to try not to compare yourself to others - there will be plenty of people in better situations, and plenty in worse. Lots of people have no family at all. Lots of people lost parents while they were children. And yes there will be peers of yours who still have grandparents.

Best just to focus on yourself and healing your grief. Best of luck xxx

JimBullardBullard · 04/05/2017 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eve · 04/05/2017 22:50

It is young, but it's hard at any age

I lost dad 3 years ago mum 6 months, both to very aggressive cancers that were 6-8 weeks from diagnosis to gone, I'm 46 and struggling to be grown up about it.

Most day I want to curl in a ball and cry to get my mum back.