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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is 32 and 36 young to lose both parents

203 replies

Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 21:51

I'm struggling at the moment. My dad passed away almost 6 years ago when i was 32 and my mum passed away last year when i was 36. Most of my friends have both their parents and all have at least one surviving parent. I know it's the grief talking but i'm feeling so upset when i think how many years are ahead with out them, i can't hardly bare thinking of it.

My mum was in her sixties when she lost her mum and my dad was in his fifties when his mum died.

I know there are children who lose their parents at a young age so I know I am lucky to have had them for as long as i have but I can't shift this horrible feeling of isolation and anxiety and i suppose a bit of fear that I have no birth family left. I have my husband and children but it's not the same.

I know I need to speak to a grief councillor but it's finding the time when i don't have my youngest as he is only 2 and I don't have anyone to have him and I couldn't take him with me as I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I don't really know what i'm asking, just want to see if anyone else is in the same position and how you dealt with it? I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this.

Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over.

OP posts:
moreslackthanslick · 04/05/2017 23:19

But I'm all for a fb group!

brownear · 04/05/2017 23:19

Be careful at getting to involved in groups focussing on the past and lost loved ones - it might stop you moving forward OP. Listening to other people's sad stories might not be very productive and helpful for you.

ssd · 04/05/2017 23:20

not meaning to hijack at all, but is anyone else paranoid like me about their children and find it really hard to leave them? I feel I'm almost too close to them as I don't have parents and I'm finding it hard letting them grow up and grow away from me..they are teens

sobeyondthehills · 04/05/2017 23:20

My partner lost his mother at age 6 and his dad at 32.

I know he finds it hard, especially as both my parents are still alive, he looks at both his sons and wishes they could have the experience with his parents that they do with mine.

It is very hard

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/05/2017 23:21

No. I lost my mum at 10. TBH, 30-odd would have suited me better.

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 23:23

Ssd, I do worry about my children, they are only young though 2,4 and 6 but I worry something will happen to them now.

I also worry that something will happen to myself and my husband and I have no one who would take care of them.

OP posts:
Lemond1fficult · 04/05/2017 23:25

I think it's young - for nowadays, anyway. I'm 35: my beloved dad died in January and I'm so envious when I think of how many more years my friends will probably have with theirs. Of course I don't begrudge it, but some of them even have full sets of grandparents too (I have none). It just doesn't seem fair.

The only thing that makes me feel a bit better (apart from the enduring health of my lovely mum) is the fact that I'll never have to see my dad get old and infirm - he was a very youthful 73 when he died suddenly. He'd have hated old age.

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/05/2017 23:25

At school in the 1970s, I was in the same class as another little girl who lost her dad the year before, a boy who lost his dad when the lad was only a baby, and another girl who had also lost her dad a year or two before. So if we were a class of 30, that means one in ten kids had already lost a parent.

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/05/2017 23:27

Just realised my 14 and 16 year olds have not a single grandparent left alive. Their dad's dad and my mum died as far back as the 1970s. Their remaining grandparents died ten years ago. They are probably unusual amongst their friends to have no living grandparents.

ssd · 04/05/2017 23:27

op, I'm the same, I've had CBT for health anxiety but it didnt address why I have it

pollypeanuts · 04/05/2017 23:29

I lost mine at 29 and 30. Its a long time ago now and I am used to it, although I still feel it at times, usually if something in my life isn't going well. But it was really hard at the time, I felt so out of synch with my peers. I was dealing with stuff that was very different to the way my friends were living.

I can't really explain how I dealt with it, I just did because actually there's no choice but to deal with it. It's such a cliche, but time helps you come to terms with it. It's still early in the process for you, I don't think it gets better at all for the first 2 years, then it does but slowly.

Try to find a way to get some bereavement counselling and just be kind to yourself Flowers

CassandraAusten · 04/05/2017 23:31

My Dad lost both his parents in his 30s and his younger brother (who was his only sibling) when he was 47. Very sad for him, but I always felt that it made him even more appreciative of his remaining family, and he has been a very loving husband to my mum and father to my brother and me.

Flowers to everyone on this thread grieving a parent.

Whenwillthesunshine · 04/05/2017 23:33

I lost my dad when I was 20 and my mum when I was 23.

I am now 40 and it is coming up to the time when I have been alive longer without my parents than with them.

I miss them everyday and when I see people in their 50's/ 60's with both their parents I feel jealous.
They never really knew me as an adult and as a mother.

Hugs to youFlowers

Original poster
Freddofrog1983 · 04/05/2017 23:36

Whenwillthesunshine, that's my fear, I know you have been without yours longer than I have but it scares me to think if I live to an average age then I will spend more of my life without them than with them.

OP posts:
UntilTheCowsComeHome · 05/05/2017 00:12

I lost my parents at 30 and 35. It's so hard isn't it?

I know that 'abandoned' feeling too. It doesn't help that my brothers live away, I yearn for them to live closer so I can feel the comfort of them near.

I'm so glad I had my DC young, it's the one thing that brings me comfort, knowing I had parents around when they were little and my DC can remember them.

1pink4blue · 05/05/2017 02:08

I lost my mum 14 years ago when i was
25 my dad at 26 and my only sibling at 27.
It is shit and it feels like it's not fair.
my dp is 50 and still has both of his parents and siblings and just doesn't understand the loss.
I was expecting ds3 when I lost my brother so him and my other 2 dc never met any of my family which hurts as they have lost out on them in their lives.
But life goes on and the years do seem to fly by but I still miss them so much.

Happyfeet1972 · 05/05/2017 03:00

I lost my Mum a week after my 30th birthday and am in a minority amongst friends. While I appreciate I am far luckier than those who lose parents younger it is still younger than most if you consider most people are now living until well into their 70s. My mum was 57. It was unexpected and has been hard.

My Dad is in his 60s and still has his Mum so yes I do feel that I've lost out somewhat. I'm grateful to still have my Dad of course and appreciate that losing both parents must be extremely hard. I am 34 and have only one friend who has lost both parents. Most friends older than me (early 40s) still have both parents. I don't think you're wrong to feel how you do, look after yourself.

fiftyplustwo · 05/05/2017 03:47

I have the similar situation to summerisleair. Lost mum at age 16 and dad in my forties but basically I had stopped seeing him after I turned 30, for much the same reason as summerisleair. Actually dad passed away right over the week-end of my fortieth birthday, spot-on.

It does as you say cause a long-lasting feeling of anxiety and isolation. In any case you shouldn't have to feel guilty over anything, it's only natural that you were (are) more attached to your mum.

One of the worst parts is that, with time, you start to forget. You might want to consider writing a journal exploring good times you had with your mum, perhaps make a scrap book if you have pictures, or include pictures (public pictures if you have none of your own) from places you've visited with your mum and dad and write about that particular memory. This could be one way of dealing with the grief, too.

My mum was 33 when she lost her dad, and my dad was 34 when he lost his dad, both granddads were in their sixties. The grannies lived into old age, though.

HicDraconis · 05/05/2017 03:57

It's very young to lose any parent, yes, let alone both.

I was 29 when my mother died very suddenly - before I met and married my lovely husband, before I had my beautiful children... I feel that there is so much of my life I should have been able to share with my mother but I couldn't. I do feel guilty occasionally because I know other people have it so much worse - I do still have my father who is in his 80s. I sometimes get irrationally angry with DH because his mother is still alive and mine isn't (not helped by the fact that I have a strained relationship with his mother at best).

I will be devastated when I lose my father and I'm in my mid 40s now. I see my friends' families occasionally and find it very difficult not to feel resentment that their children have full sets of grandparents and mine don't.

Daftly I am getting anxious as my sister (very fit and healthy!) is now within 10 years of the age my mother was when she died. Feels very strange to think that my sister may soon reach an age older than my mother.

Flowers Flowers Flowers for everyone missing parents.

frums · 05/05/2017 05:01

It is young.

I lost my dad when I was 4 and my mum when I was 25. I am an only child and so growing up it was just mum and me and we were exceptionally close. Losing her floored me. I had nobody: not one living blood relative ( bar an aunt and two cousins in Australia who I saw for the first time in a decade at the funeral).

I now have three kids, I had three to minimise the chance of them ever being utterly alone like I was. I have a feeling that I won't live a long life, my parents didn't and nor did their parents before them. Leaving my kids and not seeing them grow up is a prospect I find very hard to deal with.

Boulshired · 05/05/2017 07:32

I lost mine within a year at thirty, having small children and one not born yet was a constant reminder. The first person I would call was no longer there but the urge to call was. Every bit of joy and worry was a constant reminder they were not there. It has got easier as my DCs have got older.

Whatsforu · 05/05/2017 07:43

It is very difficult and don't be hard on yourself how you are feeling is perfectly normal. I lost my mum at 13 and my dad at 30 and even though my relationship with my dad was distant I did feel very odd when he passed as in like an orphan. I wouldn't say it gets easier but you learn to live with it. My kids have never known gp's which saddens me but I would say as a family unit we are very close. Flowers you will get through this.

hackmum · 05/05/2017 07:49

Yes, it is young. I am in my 50s and I have friends who still have both parents alive.

And it is hard. Both my parents lost their parents relatively young, so by the time I was born, I had no grandparents. I never really thought, until I was much older, how hard it must have been for them.

You're perfectly entitled to feel sorry for yourself, OP. It doesn't make you a selfish person. Grief is normal - it would be much odder if you didn't grieve your parents.

hilbil21 · 05/05/2017 07:49

My dad died when I was 31 and my mum when I was 35. I am now 36. It's hard but it's made worse by being an only child I'm sure of it Sad

msannabella · 05/05/2017 07:59

I lost both of my parents suddenly when I was 27. I found it really hard. I have an older brother but in many ways I ended up a surrogate parent as he is very immature. This means I have to be the responsible one and had to deal with all monetary and other decisions when I had no clue about any of that stuff. I found that really hard especially as I didn't have someone acting in the same capacity as I was for my brother. I find it especially hard now I have my kids. The fact that they never met them and I feel the children are missing out compared to their friends. I also feel sad about the bond my in-laws have with them and although they are lovely, I feelsad that I don't have my parents to ask questions etc.