is 32 and 36 young to lose both parents

[Freddofrog1983]

I'm struggling at the moment. My dad passed away almost 6 years ago when i was 32 and my mum passed away last year when i was 36. Most of my friends have both their parents and all have at least one surviving parent. I know it's the grief talking but i'm feeling so upset when i think how many years are ahead with out them, i can't hardly bare thinking of it.

My mum was in her sixties when she lost her mum and my dad was in his fifties when his mum died.

I know there are children who lose their parents at a young age so I know I am lucky to have had them for as long as i have but I can't shift this horrible feeling of isolation and anxiety and i suppose a bit of fear that I have no birth family left. I have my husband and children but it's not the same.

I know I need to speak to a grief councillor but it's finding the time when i don't have my youngest as he is only 2 and I don't have anyone to have him and I couldn't take him with me as I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I don't really know what i'm asking, just want to see if anyone else is in the same position and how you dealt with it? I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this.

Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over.

I lost my absent father at 24 and my wonderful mum suddenly at just 31, it does leave you feeling totally adrift

At that point I was still single so particularly bad points were when I married and had children

Like you I'm a very practical person but I would urge you to get some counselling if you've any major stages like these to go through as it really hurts to see normal families at these times

I'm 17 years down the line now and whilst the pain changes it never goes

Sorry for your losses OP.
I lost my dad when I was in my late twenties.
It's been a hard road to travel. That's made me cry. You're right though.

I lost both parents at the same time in my early 30s and went to a dark place. My anger and jealously seemed to get worse as the years went on and I ruined other relationships because of it. 7 years on and I decided enough was enough and went on a Google clickfest, reading everything I could on how to control my feelings. It took a while but eventually I got there, I now choose to be happy. When those old feelings stir up I know that it's my choice whether to dwell on them or let them go and replace them with a happy memory and move on. Took a bit of effort but I'm now happy for my friends when they tell me little Johnny is going to his nan's for the weekend (this would have been a red rag to a bull at one point).

It is young; I'm in my forties and my mum and dad are both still very much alive and kicking, which I suppose is the advantage in being the result of a teenage pregnancy. I don't know what I'd do without my folks, especially my mum, so I really feel for you OP, plus the PPs in similar situations

Boulshired, that's how I feel in regards to wanting to call my mum. I used to call her everyday usually when my husband popped to the shop in the evening. For just under a year I called my MIL but that's all gone pear shaped since I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago(she hasn't even asked how I am).

I feel angry and resentful of my friends who have their parents although I don't show it to them. It's things like when I'm at home struggling with the children while trying to sort out my mum's affairs and my 2 year old is trying to grab something off the table and I'm trying to concentrate on what I'm doing. My mum would have watched them. My patience is also short and I want to be on my own a lot but I can't because of the children. I don't like feeling like this, I feel trapped.

Yes. Any age is too young, but in your 30s its harsh to lose both.
I lost my dad when I was 35. I'm so grateful he got to meet my children (DS2 was 5 months old at the time) I find a lot of women are closer to their mothers (sweeping generalisation, but I've rarely seen otherwise), but my mum left when I was 2, so I lived with my gran (who died when I was 10) and my dad had always been my 'main' parent even though he met my stepmum when I was 8 and she is still around. I love her, but we don't have the same relationship I think a child has with a parent who has been their from when the child is tiny.

I miss my dad. Its been 7 years and I don't think about him every day, but when I had troubles he was always the one I spoke to. When I have them now I feel like I have no-one to tell. He was super down-to-earth. Pragmatic. Far more tolerant than many men of his era (he would have been 80 last month) Wise. I can't tell my stepmum anything as she just frets and worries. I miss him still. I want to tell him whats going on. I want him to be proud of his grandsons. But he's just not there :(

That seems very young to me. My mum is 52 and had both parents, my dad is 57 and has his mum (he was 38 when he lost his dad).

has*

Yes it's young. I'm in my 40s and very few of my peers have lost both parents. I'm sorry that you are finding it so hard at the moment.

I can sympathise. I was 36 when I lost both of mine, unexpectedly, within 6 months.

My only advice is to be kind to yourself. I spent quite a while head down, ploughing on, sorting everything I could and trying not to think. It probably wasn't healthy but it's what I needed to do to get through the past few months since they've both been gone. It was just too raw for me to deal with. Sometimes little things will set you off (I'm typing this with tears on my face), but it's good to let yourself cry. I have lots of happy memories, but don't be ashamed of wallowing in self pity sometimes, because it is unfair. Like PP have said you want to phone and share news and you can't, and you feel like no-one else would be interested in the same way that they were.

Sorry, I wasn't planning to write an essay x

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I think it's young but also the close proximity between the deaths makes it hard. I lost my dad at 24, my mum at 26 and my grandad at 28. It's really hard to be a mum without a mum. I would take solace in the fact that she got to meet her grandchild. And think of it in these terms: you have more time to be independent and in your 30s you are generally at your strongest physically and mentally. Losing parents is something that will eventually happen to everyone. Those that have had their parents for 40+ plus will find it much harder to adjust esp when they are noticeably ageing themselves. They might also be in the sandwich generation who have young children/teenagers and elderly parents to care for as well. It's hard whichever age you are. It takes time to recover. Try not to be too resentful and be glad they haven't had to go through it yet. Your parents are still with you and they are looking after you from the beyond. X

Of course at any age it is hard to lose your parents, but there is a particular kind of loss when you lose them before the major events of your young(ish) adulthood: graduations, marriage, pregnancy, becoming a parent, establishing a career, or whatever your major events may be.

I knew when my mother died when I was a teenager that it meant that the happiest moments of my life would all be bittersweet instead of just plain joyful. I didn't expect my dad to miss them all too, as it turned out I spent much of my wedding day, graduation days and the days of my children's birth, grieving my wonderful parents' absence and feeling sadness rather than joy. I felt happiness too, but as I said, bittersweet.

Also, I never got to say to either of them after being a parent myself "my God, I didn't know until now how hard it can be and how much you sacrificed for me... Sorry about being an adolescent nightmare." And for my mum, she put in all that work and love and worry, and never got to see me turn out to be a decent, functioning adult human. That makes me very sad for what she must have been feeling when she knew she would have to leave us.

Bluebells I just reread your (lovely) post and realised that the start of my post "of course it's hard at any age..." could appear to be a snippy reply to part of yours. It wasn't meant to be, just a coincidence that I started out on that train of thought.

Yes. I was 28 by the time both mine had passed away. Now I'm in my mid-40s so have been a long time without parents. My closest blood family part from DH & the DCs are my first cousins. I only have one aunt left (their mum, but she is a 'by marriage' aunt technically). I have some incredibly good friends who see me through life, but it's hard not having that anchor in parents or siblings, and my in-laws are pretty hideous to be frank.

I lost my brother last year, so I could not even imagine what it is like losing both parents. My grief has taken some funny dips and turns (especially as he died by suicide) and I am only just now starting to think I ought to get some kind of counselling (he died in September)

I can complete relate to, though of course not fully understand as I am not in your shoes, how you feel your bedrock has gone. My mum has now lost both her parents, and of course now her son, so her whole identity have shifted. Of course she still has me and dd and my ddad, but I know she is finding things really hard.

My advice would be to seek out some counselling. Maybe enough time has passed so it is not so raw now? And of course try and cherish who you have left - though I know this is easier said than done when grieving.

I am about to start ttc another child, and although maybe I am doing it for the wrong reasons to give us all a new little person to love, in some ways I think a death helps us realise how precious family is and how important family and a good network around you is in hard times.

💐💐💐💐

It is young. I lost my dad at 18 and my mum at 28. It's really hard going through life without them but time is a great healer. Although it never goes away and I think about them everyday, it's not as raw anymore(I'm 35 now).

Be kind to yourself: it will take time.

I'd have given anything to have my folks live that long.

25 and 28 here. I'm the eldest. My bro was 18 and 21

I lost my brother last year, so I could not even imagine what it is like losing both parent

Having lost both my parents, whom I was incredibly close, I can tell you that to lose my brother would be worse. Not only grieving the loss of him but also the grief that comes with losing someone that is so young

It is young. My mum lost her mum when she was 44 - a couple of years older than I am now. I can't imagine not having my mum in a couple of years time. I'd be totally buggered. DH (48) still has his parents and BOTH his grandmothers (both 92). One lives independently still, the other needs some assistance physically but still as mentally bright as a button and sharp as a razor. He's very lucky I think.

Thank you blinky. It definitely is sad when someone so young losing their life. But I lean heavily on my parents, especially now. I would bereft without them! Love to all on this thread who've lost loved ones. Life is a bitch sometimes. X 💐💐💐

I became very close to my mum since my dad's death, it was my husband, mum and children. Although we didn't live together she was always there wanting to be involved with the children but not interfering. She came to all the childrens birthday parties, helped me when my husband worked late just by being there and occupying the children while I got jobs done or put my children to bed and she would either watch my newborn or my eldest who has ADHD so wouldn't always settle down to sleep. It's the little things like that I miss.

Like I said I know I'm not unique and yes I am lucky to have had them as long as I did but not having a sibling too does make me feel lost and on my own.

What doesn't help also is the terrible relationship we have with in laws. I have sat here in tears before when I have been stuck realising I don't have a single person I can call on for help as I don't have many friends as I'm quite shy.

My man died at 94 and my mum told me that she didn't grieve for her as she had a good life and was strong until the end. Obviously she missed her but because of her age she could accept it. My mum and dad were only 67 and 68 which is so young these days. My mum was only talking just before she died about going away for her 70th and it pains me that she didn't live to see it. Also my baby would have been born the month my mum turns 70 and I lost that too.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a jumble. to everyone who have lost loved ones.

yes 32 and 36 is far too young, yanbu. Don't feel guilty that you aren't thinking about your dad.. your grief for your mum is fresh and you are still processing it. My friends lost his parents at 27 and 33... they were 54 and 60 respectively. Far too young. Be kind to yourself op x

It doesn't seem that young to me because my parents died when I was 21 (mum) and 25 (dad). I tend to feel anyone who had one or both parents still around once they had their own children is pretty lucky. That said, 2 of my friends have died in mid-late 40s (leaving mid teen DC), and my 18yr old DS knows 3 kids from school who have lost a parent in the last couple of years...I cannot imagine how difficult losing a parent when you're only a teenager would be. I really struggled with losing my mum at 21.

The hardest things for me, as my grandparents died before I was born/ when I was a child, and I have no siblings, is that not only am I not anyone's child any more, I have no shared history with anyone. All the memories I have from childhood, of my parents, are mine alone :(

I think it's young. I lost one parent at 18 and the other at 35. I find it particularly difficult now I have my own children. Also we just lost my lovely MIL and I didn't meet FIL before he passed.

I miss the support and having GPs to tell all the little bits of news about the kids. Things that you wouldn't necessarily mention to other people. I miss asking my parents about their lives before & after having children.

Sometimes the weight of all the grief catches up with me. It also increases my anxiety about losing others who are close to me.

I'm sorry for your losses OP