is 32 and 36 young to lose both parents

[Freddofrog1983]

I'm struggling at the moment. My dad passed away almost 6 years ago when i was 32 and my mum passed away last year when i was 36. Most of my friends have both their parents and all have at least one surviving parent. I know it's the grief talking but i'm feeling so upset when i think how many years are ahead with out them, i can't hardly bare thinking of it.

My mum was in her sixties when she lost her mum and my dad was in his fifties when his mum died.

I know there are children who lose their parents at a young age so I know I am lucky to have had them for as long as i have but I can't shift this horrible feeling of isolation and anxiety and i suppose a bit of fear that I have no birth family left. I have my husband and children but it's not the same.

I know I need to speak to a grief councillor but it's finding the time when i don't have my youngest as he is only 2 and I don't have anyone to have him and I couldn't take him with me as I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I don't really know what i'm asking, just want to see if anyone else is in the same position and how you dealt with it? I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this.

Another thing i feel guilty about is, since my mum passed away I haven't really thought about my dad and yet i do still miss him but the grief i feel about my mum has taken over.

It's a horrible feeling isn't it Velvetspoon, that's how I feel. No one is alive who I grew up with. Also because I want one more child it saddens me that she will never see it while she lived for her other grandchildren. I also feel my children have been cheated from having her in their lives.

I am sorry to hear that . I can understand that it feels unfair to not have them when you are only in your 30s and to not have your own parents to lean on when you are a parent yourself.

My husband had lost both his parents by the time he was 34 (his sister was only 28). They both died relatively young (late 50s/mid-60s). I think it helped that they have always been very close as siblings.

Totally agree velvetspoon re the memories thing. I have no-one to verify them any more and even talking to my only aunt doesn't help that much as she hasn't lived in the U.K. since before I was born.
Also, I will ask this of those who have lost parents/siblings - how do you find Christmas and/or other family occasions where you are 'supposed to' get together or invite your families? Do you see in-laws instead, have your own celebration with your partners/DCs? We had a big family occasion recently which involved inviting family members and close friends - family was v thin on the ground which was gutting really as other relatively young family members (on both sides) have also passed away since we got married. Luckily my friends were great and all turned up and had a jolly old time, but it's at these times it puts it in to perspective.

Sorry for your losses OP I know how it feels I lost my mum at 12 my sister at 13 and my dad at 18. So I was left with no family at all at a very young age. It doesn't help when they all died young it makes it harder to deal with as it obviously wasn't expected.

gosh elderwand, thats really hard

I dont think having siblings still alive helps if they are distant to you. My siblings are a lot older then me and left home when I was really young and they live in another country. When mum died I heard so many stories of her that I didnt recognise from them, simply as I wasnt alive when they happened. My childhood was really one of an only child, with siblings kind of like distant aunts/uncles you seen once a year. I dont have anyone to share stories of growing up with either.

I have terrible anxiety about dying and leaving my children to feel as I've felt since losing my parents. It consumes me. CBT did not touch the problem. I think time is the only healer, seeing my kids grown and independant and not needing me so much. We dont have any extended family and the thought of my kids being left and alone literally panics me.

I think having family gives you a security I feel I haven't had for years. I have dh and the kids and I love them to bits, but not having any extended family just leaves a massive hole that nothing can fill.

thank you everyone for this thread, its made me feel normal

Lost dad at 20 and mum at 38. The hardest bit is the fact that my kids will have few memories of grandparents as the in-laws have also passed.
Sorry for your losses.

My DH had lost both parents by 27, his brother was 25 by then, so still quite young. They still have one grandfather whereas all my grandparents died before I was 23. We don't have kids yet but it's a shame that they'll only have one set of grandparents.

That must be hard for you it seems very young to me as I'm 36 and I'm blessed to have 3 grandparents still with me.

Similar situation here. I lost my dad when I was 35, and my mum 10 weeks later (by which time I was 36).

I find it very weird when I meet people in their 60s who still have a parent alive. Also weird that many people my age still have a grandparent or two.

It was hard but I think I managed to cope with my mum and sister dieing because my dad was amazing at helping me through it. He really put all his effort into giving me a happy life even though he was sick himself. After my dad died I really didn't know how I would manage to cope with life was so depressed and went off the rails basically it wasn't until years later I felt normal again for everyone who has had to deal with bereavement on this tread. It really is a horrible experience to go through

it is indeed horrible

I think it is dreadful to lose your parents when you are a young adult., But there are small crumbs of comfort. EG, I know several women about my age/my generation (middle aged,) who still have their parents alive (quite a few of them have just their mother alive,) and they also have teen/adolescent/young adult children, and they are what's known as the sandwich generation

sandwich generation
a generation of people, typically in their thirties or forties, responsible both for bringing up their own children and for the care of their ageing parents.

These women (and it's usually the women who bear the brunt of the work!) have very stressful lives, looking after school/college age children, (with one or two at uni,) holding down a job, looking after house and home, and also looking after their elderly parents/elderly mother.

One woman (Pat) who I know, works 26 hours a week, has one school-age child who is 12, one at college who is 17, and one at uni who is 19. She also has an elderly mother aged 63, who, for some reason can't do a damn thing for herself. (The dad died of cancer 2 years ago, and used to do nearly everything.)

Pat's mother gets Pat to take her to the doctors, even though the doctors is a MILE away, and Pat lives 15 miles from her. So Pat has to do 30 mile round-trips to take her mother to the doctors. The mother could get a taxi or the bus (one passes her house 3 times an hour.) She also gets Pat to do her shopping (or Liz, her son's wife, or one of her teen grandchildren.) The shops are 10 to 15 minutes walk from her house.

Several adult family members do everything for her, including housework, washing, meals, gardening etc, in addition to taking her to the doctors, dentists, opticians, physiotherapist, hospital visits etc etc, while she does absolutely nothing. They also run her anywhere she wants to go. And she throws a strop if someone doesn't visit her every day.

That is just one example. I know many more. Where the senior citizen parent does nothing for themselves and expects the middle aged children to do it, even though the middle aged 'child' often have a job and school age children.

Pat admitted to me the other day that she is 'worn down by mother,' and her SIL Liz and brother Steve are getting pissed off by her too.

Harsh? Maybe. Maybe not. But I know a few over 60's, some as old as 80-85, who are child free, or who have adult children who live in another country who are far more independent and do almost everything for themselves. I think when people have someone to do stuff for them, they lose their independence and can't do anything anymore (or don't want to.) I know one woman of 77 who travels alone 4-5 times a year, 2 weeks at a time, yet Pat's mother (who is 14 years younger) can't get herself a mile down the road for a doctor's appointment.

I have spoke to several people lately who have very high stress levels because of demanding elderly parents, and teenagers, along with their job, bills, mortgage etc...

So whilst losing parents at a younger age sucks, there are a few advantages later on. My parents (and DH's) died when we were less than 30, and our kids never knew grandparents, which saddened me, and we struggled alone without the support that our peers had. But now we are middle aged, our kids have left home, and we have no demanding elderly parents draining us of our energy. (I am not saying ALL elderly parents are like this, but I know quite a few who are!)

I am sad that my parents died long ago, but would not want to swap places with some people I know who constantly put up with shit and stress from elderly parents. (Along with the financial costs of running them up and down everywhere, or having to pay for care for them or to put them in a home.)

Just some food for thought. It was hard losing our parents around 2 decades ago, but because of this, we are, (in middle age,) devoid of the stresses and strains that many of our (middle aged) peers seem to be having right now.

One friend of mine has her elderly mother AND MIL to contend with who both seem to be unable to do fuckall for themselves. She also has a job, 3 adult children aged 20-28 in the house; 2 who don't work, and spend all day on the couch or in bed, or getting underfoot, eating her out of house and home, racking up the cost of bills, and contributing nothing. She is a nervous wreck.

Whilst I sit reading a novel in the sunshine, with the cat at my feet, supping a cranberry juice, and listening to birds tweet, I find it hard to envy her.

Please don't think I am saying 'be glad your parents have died young!' because I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that although you feel (understandably) upset at losing your parents at a youngish age, when you are older it may present a few advantages, and you almost certainly won't feel jealous of your peers then.

Also, to the ones who feel (naturally) quite blue and envious when they see a 50-60 y.o. woman with their (very elderly) mother - just remember, things may not be as rosy as they seem,.

As I said, just some food for thought.........

My mum died when I was 34 and she was 60 I still have my dad, I'm terrified of something happening to him.

My MIL is 72 and her own mother died last year aged 94, I always feel cheated that she had her own mother so long.

HI, I can see you posted a few months back but felt I would add a comment.

When I was 30 my dad was diagnosed with Cancer, 2 weeks later my mother unexpected passed away from a heart attack, she was only 56. what followed was the worst years of my life, I struggled to cope with her loss, along with my dads cancer treatment, and sadly I then lost my dad only 1 year and 1 month after my mum and I was as only 31. I think it is a very young age, and like you I tried to reason that much younger people loose their parents, and that i was lucky to have them as long as i did, the truth is no matter what your age, its a huge gapping whole that feels like it will never heal, and if I am honest it probably never will. But the good day do eventually start to out way the bad days.

My circumstances were very similar to you, I had 2 young children age 2 & 3 at the time, I felt I didn't have the time to think about my feelings and for the first 6 years I carried on as best I could, my husband was my rock but I was lost without them, I was so lost in the grief I could never imagine ever being happy again!

Please Please find the time to speak to someone, I eventually gave in and had only 1 hour of therapy (all I could afford at the time) a week, it was the best thing I have ever done. it enabled me some me time, and a voice of reason on how to process my thoughts and feelings. My mum was my best friend, I miss her so much, sometimes more than my dad, but that depends on where I am at. If I am sad and emotional its my mum I want, where as I can be doing something and my dad pops into my head, or i think he would love this, or i miss our breakfast dates etc and i feel the tears start to rise! That i can promise will never go away but what i can say 11 years later, i feel i am healing, i miss them, i always will but more often than not i smile when i think of them. I feel i can now be happy again, something i never ever believed! Those lost hopeless days feel like you will be there forever! i promise you wont.

I read an article once where someone was asked to explain grief, it summed it up perfectly for me:

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too....

I hope to day and all those that follow are better days for you :)

Yes it's very young.
My nan is in her 70s and still has both parents here.
Sorry op

I'm a little older than you. I was 38 when mum died but within a year Dad was diagnosed with dementia so whilst he's physically here, there is nobody else who remembers my childhood. Childhood photo albums are full of people who have died. I frequently resent being the oldest competent adult in my life.

I think it's very young, OP. Not the same but I lost my mum when I was 32 and my brother at 34. My dad is still alive but I only hear from him say once a month, and see him 2-3 times a year (background of abusive behaviour). I feel orphaned even though technically I'm not.

I was 20 when I lost my Dad and late 30s when I lost my mum. Dh was in his 30's when he lost his Dad and 40 when he lost his mum.
Sorry for you loss.

We're 37 and in our circle of friends (aprox 10 people off the top of my head) only two have lost a parent. So that's 18 out of 20 parents still alive.

Our friends are all similar age - give or take a few years. Parents all range in age from late 50's - early 70's. Those who have lost parents have both been quite recently and parents in question were both early 60's and had illnesses. Only a few friends have living grandparents now though. Say 3 our of 20.

Sorry a very long winded way of saying, yes you are young to lose both your parents OP.

Sorry for your loss op. I think is young, I am mid 30s and have a handful of friends who have lost one parent, bit only one who has lost both, he was around 33 when it happened, both of them within 18 months and no siblings. V sad but he's doing ok.

Yes I think it's young too. I lost my Dad 8 years ago when I was 32 and mum mum when I was 39. My children were only 3 and 5 at the time my dad died and even though they were older when mum died I feel so sad at all both my mum and dad have missed out on. They didn't see
My youngest start primary school haven't seen either start secondary school and there's just so much I want to share every day and they are not here. I see other people who are retired themselves and still have parents. I do feel bitter and very sad as annoyed with others that don't realise how lucky they are to have their nearest and dearest still in their lives.