To not make his sandwiches?

[DeleteOrDecay]

Dp has been feeling rubbish at work lately. It's because instead of taking some proper food in he takes a couple of breakfast bars to see him through his shift but he is on his feet a lot so this obviously isn't substantial enough.

I suggested he should maybe make himself a sandwich or something to take with him. His response was that he can't be bothered it takes five minutes to knock up a wrap or sandwich. He asked me if I could make them for him but I refused on the basis that he is more than capable of making his own sandwich for work and that I have enough on my plate with 2 young dc, the majority of the housework and cooking and my own myriad of MH issues.

I am a sahm, but I don't see why I should be expected to make him sandwiches when he has ample time either before or after work to make one himself. I'm his partner, not his mother. Aibu?

Am I in the minority for thinking what my partner eats for lunch is his own business? Like the OP, I might point out that he's choosing a pretty silly option but I wouldn't think it's therefore my responsibility to provide an alternative. He has plenty of time to make a sandwich and as successive posters have pointed out it only takes five minutes.

Free yourselves from the tyranny of other people's lunchboxes!

Sylvannas I take it you haven't at least skimmed the whole thread. It's been established that the whole "if you love him you'll make him a sandwich" thing is bullshit.

OP - It could be that what he's asking you for is not actually a sandwich, but some attention. Maybe he feels like you do a million and one things for the kids but not much for him and he feels bottom if your list of priorities? The "poor me I'm only eating cereal bars" act could be his way of telling you he doesn't feel very loved.

Different acts mean different things to different people and sometimes it's the small gestures that count. I'm a SAHM too - DH doesn't need sandwiches for work, but he is really appreciative that I cook for him most days. In his mind, it makes him feel loved and valued and it also means that he doesn't hold back with other types of considerate acts, so it works both ways. Does your DH do small things for you?

I married an adult, not a lad. I might consider him a 'poor man' if a) he had no physical ability to provide self care b) his bank account were empty. But otherwise, he's perfectly capable of feeding himself and doesn't expect his wife to take over that function to prove she loves him. So do I. We're even successfully teaching our children to prepare their own food so they, too, can go through life not expecting a partner to do this for them. This is good policy for a variety of reasons. DD2 even makes her own cup of tea.

How is it bullshit? I love my DH. I make him sandwiches because I want to do something nice for him. He is always treating me and complimenting me. Why is it bullshit that I want to do something nice for the man I love?

Might be bullshit for you, not everyone has your point of view. But you posted in AIBU you get different points of view from everyone.

Dear god, any reasonable person thinking their partner does a million and one things for the kids does not, surely, say MEMEMEME DO THINGS FOR ME TOO?

They get on with it and perhaps, you know, even take some of the burden off the person they purport to love.

Just because I don't want to make him a sandwich doesn't mean I don't love him and never do anything nice for him. If you'd at least bothered to read my posts throughout the thread you would now this, ffs.

*know not now

Delete - well ok fair enough, but it's a long thread and you did ask on AIBU.
What sort of things do you do for him, just as a summary?

Read the fucking thread, anonymous. Why should the OP take the time to give you a personalised summing up, when it's all been said already. How arrogant.

If I had a thread and people took the time to comment, I wouldn't be offhand. If it's all been said already then why are we still here?

Sandwiches are a very emotive subject, aren't they?

It doesn't take much to quickly scroll through a thread to at least read the op's responses. But anyway in answer to your question...

Yesterday for example he finished work early, so I packed the dc up in the car in their pj's (it was their bedtime) and drove to pick him up as a surprise rather than him walking home.

I look after our dc to enable him to work the shifts he does in a job he enjoys and wants to progress in. If I worked too, the logistics of sorting out childcare would fall to the both of us. He doesn't have to worry about where or who has the dc whilst he is working because I have them.

I take care of the food shopping and ensure he has the things he likes and wants for the week so he doesn't have to worry about it.

I wash, fold and put away his laundry along with everyone else's.

I keep on top of bills so he doesn't have to worry about it.

I will buy things he asks for from the shops during the week that he wouldn't otherwise be able to get himself due to work/sleeping after a night shift.

That's just off the top of my head. I'm not perfect but I do do things for him and he does things for me. It was the whole "I can't be bothered so you should do it" attitude that made me not want to do this particular thing for him.

If it's all been said already then why are we still here?

Because posters like you who haven't been arsed to read it keep coming and asking the same questions and making the same comment over and over.

Thank you WellErrr.

AIBU always goes in circles regardless and how do you know I haven't read the thread?
I don't know this guy from Adam, obviously. Shall we just say he's a lazy git then and leave it at that? YANBU OP.

You're welcome delete

anon because you're asking the same questions that have already been answered many times, and you even said 'it's a long thread.'

This is the reason AIBU is often maddeningly circular.

And the OP was good enough to write you a long and detailed answer, the least you could say is 'thank you' before chucking another spear into the ring.

I think the OP does a lot.

Pasties it is!

Such a big drama! My gosh. I do everything the OP does, plus doing my dh lunch. Its very simple, when cooking dinner make extra and this is the following days lunch -sorted. If dh doesnt have access to a microwave then whip up a sandwich whilst the dinner is cooking (my dc has packed lunch so do it then anyway as everything can be washed up at once).
I also work F/T, but dh works longer hours and shift work.
I do wonder how people get on in this world!

I sometimes work a similar shift to your dh and I sort out my own food. I also get up early with the 3 DC and take the older ones to school. (Because I want to see them). I used to have a long lie pre DC but not fir years.

DH may be the SAHP but he's not the house skivvy.

We bulk cook stuff and freeze it so I just have to take it with me, maybe with wraps or pasta/rice. DH does most of the cooking if it matters.

If I've not had time to get food ready, I go to a shop and buy food. If your DH has enough time to be lazy enough to have a lie in EVERY DAY, then sit on his arse for over an hour he can surely pop to the local shop or stop at a supermarket?

Unless there is something wrong with his arms then you are not being unreasonable by not making his sandwiches. He can't be bothered but he expects you to be?
My husband is responsible for his lunch while he works just as I am for mine while I am at home with two kids. I might go as far as buying some things he can throw in to a lunchbox but I would expect him to do some of the organisation.

Mundo the issue isn't about be kind or caring it's because the op's partner openly admitted he couldn't be arsed and therefore is taking the piss by asking the op to do it whilst he sits on his ass for 2 hours before work!

I'm gobsmacked that anyone thinks OP should make him sandwiches because she's a SAHM. He's not a child!

Me and DH do nice things for each other, but it's a) reciprocal and b) voluntary, we don't demand it or take it for granted. I can't imagine either of us going, 'oh I can't be arsed, can you take over this aspect of my basic self-care for me?' I cook most of the meals we share, I do the food shop so I get in the stuff DH likes for his lunches, but I've got loads to do in the mornings already. If he had the opportunity to do his own lunch but wanted to dump the task on me just because he didn't feel like doing it, I'd be telling him where to put his bread and ham.

It's nice to do jobs for your partner if they properly appreciate it, respect you and reciprocate the effort. And, usually, so long as there's a good reason for them to need the help. Shuffling stuff off onto the SAHP out of laziness doesn't sound like teamwork to me.

I'd make him a sandwich, especially as he is feeling run down.