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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his sandwiches?

482 replies

DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 18:40

Dp has been feeling rubbish at work lately. It's because instead of taking some proper food in he takes a couple of breakfast bars to see him through his shift but he is on his feet a lot so this obviously isn't substantial enough.

I suggested he should maybe make himself a sandwich or something to take with him. His response was that he can't be botheredHmm it takes five minutes to knock up a wrap or sandwich. He asked me if I could make them for him but I refused on the basis that he is more than capable of making his own sandwich for work and that I have enough on my plate with 2 young dc, the majority of the housework and cooking and my own myriad of MH issues.

I am a sahm, but I don't see why I should be expected to make him sandwiches when he has ample time either before or after work to make one himself. I'm his partner, not his mother. Aibu?

OP posts:
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MummysBusy · 05/05/2017 22:33

Yabu. You have to make the kids' sandwiches presumably, just make an extra one and stick it in the fridge.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 05/05/2017 23:25

Well your presumption would be wrong because my dc don't actually have sandwiches all that often to be honest. Maybe a couple of times a week.

OP posts:
Bargainqueen · 05/05/2017 23:36

This is a really open question imo. It totally depends on what sort of relationship you guys have to me.
If he is the type of DH that isn't lazy and doesn't expect you to do everything around the house, pulls his weight and you've got a good relationship in terms of give and take, I would be happy to make my OH lunch, so I knew they were eating properly and because I love them
If he thinks it's your job to do this amongst other things and you think he's just being downright lazy and doesn't help himself, then I wouldn't.
For me based on my marriage, I would make them. Purely because I know that my OH would do it for me if the roles were reversed, and if it's something that they think is a big deal to do and I don't, then it's no problem.
There are things that I hate doing that isn't really a bother to them, and vice versa. My OH hates mowing the lawn, I don't. So i mow the lawn and they do all the brooming and weeding because I don't really like doing that.
It's about give and take, and fairness for me.
Hope this helps Smile

KindDogsTail · 05/05/2017 23:58

You put that well imo Bargain. That's along the lines of how I would think of it too.

cheval · 06/05/2017 00:02

Ha ha. This is why women will never be emancipated. For sure, make something for someone you love, but equally they would do the same for you. It is not your job. He has/had a mother. You are mother to the next generation. I do this mothering stuff too much. So my post is at myself to stop doing it!

MumOnBus · 06/05/2017 00:04

My DH makes my sandwiches every morning, at the same time he makes his and our DD's. We both work. It's not like "I cannot be arsed" as the OP is inferring about her DH, but I am a bit dreadful in the morning (I would rather sleep those extra 5 minutes than make my lunch - LOL this maybe the very definition of "can't be arsed"). The thing is, I am very grateful for him doing these sandwiches as when he doesn't I would need to buy lunch at work and I don't always get the time.
The way I see it: I cook dinner, he does lunch. This is our working days arrangement (but during the weekends and holidays, I do everything).
Having said that, when I was a SAHM I used to make him packed lunches (often leftovers from the previous day), and even had lunch together as his work was less than 20 mins from home. I remember fondly those days...

SabineUndine · 06/05/2017 00:09

I used to flatshare with someone who got in from work every day and made her sandwiches for the following day, straight away. Maybe a routine like that would work for your OH?

Deejoda · 06/05/2017 00:59

Sabine but he cant be arsed! Don't think it matters when from the sounds of things.
OP YANBU if he phrased it as he cba and it should be your job. I would do it if I was making sandwiches for my DC too or if he wants leftovers, I would endeavour to cook enough food so there is some. But he'd need to be appreciative and acknowledge I am doing it because I want to and not because.
P.s he might be depressed. My main symptom when I went through a bad patch was a total loss of appetite. My DH made me sandwiches and cooked/bought dinner every day for about 6 months because I had zero interest in eating and I only ate because he had made so much effort. So maybe explore this a little. He may need some help. But if you dont judge his mood to be low, don't be guilted into doing his lunchesFlowers

Asmoto · 06/05/2017 01:17

My husband makes my sandwiches if asked - he works part time and I'm full time, so the deal is that he does the lion's share of the housework (we have no children). I normally prefer to grant myself the minor pleasure of choosing and buying one at the local posh sandwich shop, though.

Freomom · 06/05/2017 01:20

On the basis that "he can't be bothered" but would like you to be, I was he can GFH. However I agree that if he does stuff otherwise for the fam and it wouldn't be arduous then it might be just a kind thing to do. I'm a little worried that he "feels rubbish and can't be bothered" is he perhaps also a bit depressed? Your right those breakfast bars are really just sugary biscuits and will leave him with crashing blood sugars, rising and falling. Te be honest even if he took a few bananas and apples to supplement them it may help. No prep required.

PollytheDolly · 06/05/2017 01:26

That's what I think fre

I can see beyond the sandwich in this. Wink

Ineke · 06/05/2017 02:29

If he sits on the sofa all morning he has time to make his own packlunch.I know teenage children of working parents who are expected to make their own pack lunches. If he leaves early for work and you are up making kids breakfast, easy to make a sandwich for him.However, it's the attitude I think that irks you, you are doing him a favour, and this may well come to be expected behaviour and this could be a slippery slope to subservient obedience! Maybe, he could get the kids to bed when he comes home from work because you can't "be bothered". Give and take but don't take for granted..

Ineke · 06/05/2017 02:43

Or..if he is feeling rubbish at work, and it's not because of eating sugary bars but maybe something else, depressed perhaps, this leads to disinterest in food. Having a healthy lunch to look forward to might cheer him up. In return, suggest he spends time with kids when he comes home so you can sit down with a glass or something, or not feel harassed if you are cooking evening meal.

haveacupoftea · 06/05/2017 06:57

It sounds like you don't want to do it. If you don't want to then don't! I made mine a sandwich this morning because I was up buttering toast anyway and I wanted to. But 99/100 times I'd be cheerfully snoozing in bed. His lunch, his problem.

It's hard to want to do things for someone who expects it of you.

Goodadvice1980 · 06/05/2017 07:18

OP, does your dh get irritated about your MH problems?

StandardNameHere · 06/05/2017 07:49

I really can't get that worked up over a sandwich, it literally takes a minute to put a sandwich together unless you have as many options as subway in your fridge?
I suppose it depends on the dynamics in the house but this would be a non issue for me, I make DD porridge every morning so could easily make a sandwich as she was eating and DP was getting ready for work but then we are a team so don't see things as 'my' job and 'his' job.
I am a sahm so do the majority of the household jobs.

Sylvannas · 06/05/2017 07:58

I make DH lunch to take to work. I'm on maternity leave so I've got the time. I'd say if you have a spare 5 mins why not make the poor lad a sandwich?
If you don't and are rushed off your feet all day it's another story I guess.

purplecoathanger · 06/05/2017 08:02

Everything always depends on circumstances. If DP does stuff for you then perhaps it's reasonable to make him a sandwich. It's all about equity and who does what.

missdebaroo · 06/05/2017 08:04

I can't it people who think stay at home moms are not working to be a slave to the house and cooking. If he can't be arsed then leave him to it. I'm a stay at home mom and my partner work and he also comes home from work and helps out aswell.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 06/05/2017 08:42

OP, does your dh get irritated about your MH problems?

No he is very understanding on the whole. He has no experience with MH problems so it's been a learning curve for him but he has always tried to be supportive. It was because of him that I went to the GP in the first place.

why not make the poor lad a sandwich?
This made me laugh, poor lad? He's not a 'lad' he's a grown ass man who has plenty of 'spare 5 minutes' to make his own lunchGrin

I don't think he is depressed but I am willing to explore this with him just to be sure.

A week's supply of pasties are coming with the food shop later today!

OP posts:
Shockers · 06/05/2017 08:50

If it's a very elaborate sandwich, you could make it together.

#butty bonding

Shockers · 06/05/2017 08:51

My phone stuck a gap in my hashtag.

sashadasher · 06/05/2017 08:53

I always made dp his packed lunch for work,to me it's a very small act to show appreciation and love for him working12 hour shifts to support our family.He didn't expect it,maybe that's difference.He in return is very caring &attentive person and I think I'm a very lucky person.
So think YABU a bit, make his sarnies what's 5 mins.If there's a day you forget or are ill/can't be bothered yourself make sure he has a supply of cereal bars and instant mug meals etc.That way you aren't always tied and he will appreciate the sarnies you making more.

sashadasher · 06/05/2017 09:01

....talking of butty bonding ,my dp comes home extra happy when there's something extra nice or his fave in his sarnies ,he's easily pleased..at work it's sort of a competition...oh what's in yours? They revert back to school age I'm certain😂..on Valentine's day I cut his into heart shapes and stuck some love hearts to lid of lunch box!He secretly loved it and it was cheap!

Sylvannas · 06/05/2017 09:30

Poor lad was really just an expression.

Of course he is able to make his own. But if you are home all day and you have a few mins to spare to make it. Why not do that little thing for the person you love?

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