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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU?? Is this taking the piss?

296 replies

TesticleMeElmo · 04/05/2017 17:56

Right, bit of a rant here but hear me out. Our DD is 4 next week, so we're having a party on Sunday for her. We've hired a hall, got the nibbles sorted, and invited everyone she wants and a fair few family members and their children as well. Apart from the fact that it's taken best part of a sodding month for anyone to rsvp, I'm now suddenly getting messages galore asking 'Are parents staying or are we just dropping off?'
Surely this is ridiculous?? I wouldn't DREAM of leaving DD at a party free for all with roughly 40 other kids that she's unlikely to know many of (we have a large family) while she's so young. Is this a thing now? What if they need the toilet?? What if they break themselves? What if they break someone else?? What if they're being horrible little shits and need to be told off??! Am I right in thinking they just want an afternoon of free childcare while they bugger off and do something that's actually fun? How old were yours when you left them?

OP posts:
halcyondays · 05/05/2017 11:18

round here people always stayed at 4 year olds parties particularly in halls, softplay etc.

TinyTear · 05/05/2017 11:23

I wouldn't leave them until 6 or 7...

At my daughter's 5th birthday earlier in the year a mum (who hadn't rsvp'd by the way) dropped and went and didn't leave a contact number.

We had no way to get in touch if something had happened!!!!!
now that was crazy...

purplecollar · 05/05/2017 11:41

In this scenario, I'd just ask them to attend with their dc.

It's on the cusp age wise I think. But the set up of the party is such that you can't keep an eye on them all. If there were five guests in your living room, it would be entirely different. You get used to telling them off. They know what the boundaries are, but they will test them.

Always meet and greet the parents and take a contact number at the door.

AnathemaPulsifer · 05/05/2017 13:08

I remember being aghast when someone left their youngest (aged 3) and scarpered at my PFB's 2nd birthday party. By 4 I think it's more reasonable and up to you to decide what you want and communicate it.

Must be a hell of a big hall if it can fit in big activities for that many kids plus the adults that go along with 40 kids!

waterrat · 05/05/2017 13:16

I just had my sons 5th and I wrote on the invitation that people could stay or go.

You are being totally U in having a go at them for asking politely !

also 'free childcare' are you having a laugh??? Your kids party is taking up a chunk of their weekend - you should be politely grateful that they ar e bringing and supervising a child at your event.

Rossigigi · 05/05/2017 13:41

40 odd kids, plus family plus parents..... You must have a huge hall and be catering for between 80-100+ potentially- you're madShock

ProseccoBitch · 05/05/2017 14:10

YANBU, just chill out so you don't raise your blood pressure and send everyone a message politely saying that as so many people have asked, yes parents need to stay.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 05/05/2017 16:50

Last year of nursery ds invited his friends, would have been his 4th birthday and parents didn't stay there. Sometimes due to space, plans etc hosts won't want parents to stay. Very hard to ask them to 'bugger off now please!" so host won't always see it as a positive if you want to stay. Of course, you know your child best and not all will want their parents to dump and run. Think though, you should be prepared for children to be unaccompanied if that's what they've decided. There again, as a parent at another child's party, if I were asked to stay I would. Like I say, many parents may feel they are doing you a favour by not staying, not taking the piss!

Maireadplastic · 05/05/2017 17:33

This isn't really a child's party is it? I left mine from age 4, younger if I knew the family hosting. I hope you have told people that it's an adult party, then they can ask/stay/refuse if they like.

pollymere · 05/05/2017 17:33

People are asking so they know. I would want to know. It's embarrassing to stay when obviously the organiser has no plans for you to be there. It's equally embarrassing to have made other plans and then realize your expected to stay! I would suggest that your dd fifth birthday only have no more than eight guests as people will expect to leave them.

Indaba · 05/05/2017 17:45

I think it is very polite of your guests to ask.

NoSquirrels · 05/05/2017 17:59

As they're left together at nursery, some people will assume their 4 yr old is OK to be left with their nursery friends for a few hours. But I do think it's on the young side, and I would never ever have left mine at that age in a large hall-type party - I'd have considered it for drop-off at someone's house party (usually smaller numbers).

Parties my DC have had:

4th: hall party, one person wanted to drop & run (coincidentally the non-RSVP-er...)
4th: house party, everyone stayed (mates of mine mostly anyway!)

5th: party at home, informed parents they'd be dropping (small house!)
5th: hall party, everyone stayed - 1 person checked it was OK to leave for 30 mins before her DP could get there - totally fine with supervising 1 extra child, but not 40!

6th: small tea party, regular playdate friends only, drop off
6th: hall party, everyone stayed

By 7th, most people are going to smaller groups anyway when you wouldn't expect them to hang around.

Usually as PPs have said by school-age you need to consider siblings, and then it can be better to have people drop off rather than stay for that reason, otherwise you end up with more than you bargained for.

mumto2two · 05/05/2017 18:00

Personally I tended to stay until they were about 6, but it also depended on who else was there, and whether the party host needed help etc.
However, I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent to ask the question, isn't that more polite?
Some kids are just dropped off regardless, without a bye nor leave!

Daydream007 · 05/05/2017 18:01

I totally agree with you. Some people do use it as a couple of hours free childcare.4 is too young IMO.

Cubtrouble · 05/05/2017 18:02

Good god no, yaddnbu.

The kids are four! No way I would leave mine and I would expect other people to stay unless stated "you may use me for free child care"

I've been to 19 parties this year and no one has left their kids 4/5 age. No one!

NotYoda · 05/05/2017 18:03

bye nor leave!

Isn't it by your leave?

LittleNellsDog · 05/05/2017 18:04

I never left my dcs at 4 more like 6.

Maireadplastic · 05/05/2017 18:06

Cubtrouble. My experience is utterly different! I'm just wondering why....we're in London in a pretty close-knit school (3 form entry so I don't know how they've managed it). We are pretty open that children's parties are an opportunity to do something else- do stuff with our other kids, have sex with spouse, whatever....

impossible · 05/05/2017 18:07

I think it's quite normal to ask. I wouldn't have left my dcs so young but if it was just 20 dcs in a large hall with someone manning the exit they would be easy to supervise. I guess parents need to know what sort of party it's going to be and if they're welcome to stay.

I do agree with you about the late rsvps though - really annoying and it always happened when my dcs were small (if I got rsvps at all).

Garlicansapphire · 05/05/2017 18:08

Its fair enough i think if parents stay or leave them at that age - dependent on the confidence of the child. When you have a party you offering to look after and entertain their child aren't you?

AlexRose5 · 05/05/2017 18:21

Some parties my son has been invited to has been drop off and pick up by 6...
Others it's been requested that parents stay.
So it does vary OP.
It would be worse if they dropped them off and ASSUMED it was ok to leave . All these people are doing is asking what way you're doing things.
Give them the answer and draw a line under it .

cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 18:21

You also have to bear in mind that many of the children will have siblings, so the question that the parent is really asking is 'Do I have to find someone to look after the other sibling for the afternoon?', which is not always easy. IME staying with a younger sibling - ie a toddle 2 year old who you look after while the 4 year old is at the main party - is manageable, but when the 4 year old has a boisterous 6 year old brother, that's a recipe for disaster so childcare is needed...

Don't assume everyone has an 'other parent' who can be at home with siblings, or an aunty / grandma who lives any closer than 150 miles away...

Chloe84 · 05/05/2017 18:21

I wish posters would say what is taking the piss in the thread title as I have opened this thread 3 times now thinking someone else was taking the piss.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/05/2017 18:23

YANBU. DD turned 5 this year and I've never seen a drop and run party. She wouldn't be happy to be left, and it wouldn't occur to me to leave her.

cantkeepawayforever · 05/05/2017 18:25

If you had specified a) that it was a large mixed page party and b) that the invitation was for x and parents were to stay, then it would be unreasonable for people to be asking.

However, if you didn't specify, how do they know it isn't 10 children with a few party games, an entertainer and a birthday tea, which you would rather not have parents there for?