AIBU to buy DH dinner from Wholefoods and let him think I made it?

[whatafaff]

I'm a SAHM to 3 school age DC so you would think I have loads of time. On Tuesdays though, I'm not in at all because after dropping the younger DD at school for 8.30, I'm then in a course 9.15-1pm. Then I have to get to the school for DD's Suzuki violin lesson which I have to go to as well as her between 2-2.30pm. Then I'm hanging round for her to come out at 3.30 because the school is in a busy part of London and if you're not there for 3pm you can't park.
We get in for 4pm and the 2 DS' arrive home around 5pm. They all need to have had dinner, get changed and out again by 5.50 latest as they're in a performance choir which they love and insist on going to and the traffic can make it tricky to get there for 6.30. I then wait for them for an hour and we're home for 8pm.

DH is on a "clean eating" diet at the mo in preparation for some event or other. DD is a fussy eater anyway (always has been) so in that hour between 4-5, I tend to have to make her some variation in what the boys are having and I just don't have time to do the meat, veg etc as DH wants it. Plus I'm vegetarian and prefer not to eat after 6pm.

Yesterday I was in Wholefoods and you can basically buy cold roast chicken, roast sweet potato, really nice veg etc exactly how I would make it anyway. I just bought 2 boxes of it, put in on a tray with foil over on a low heat and he was none the wiser. I didn't tell him I'd actually cooked it, but he presumed I had. Tuesday is the day he gets in early at about 6.15 so he can train and he knows I'll be out with the DC.

AIBU to do this regularly and just be done with it under the circumstances?

I also agree that you should probably have a think about what you want.

It's hard to have discussions with anyone that go 'I'm not happy!' 'Ok, what do you need?' 'I don't know, I'm just not happy!'

You don't need ALL the answers but just some general idea and at that point it can be good to talk to your partner as they may have ideas and actually be willing to come up with supportive ideas.

I had numerous circular conversations with xh about him not being happy and feeling stuck in a boring job and wanting to work in science but he felt his 2.2 in physics wasn't good enough to get a science job. I said I'd totally support him to do postgrad to compensate for low undergrad qual but he just wouldn't do it, researched all the ways he could drop hours, where he could go etc.

He still blames me for preventing him getting his dream science job 🙄 Even though he'd spent 7 years in his current job before I even met him! Is slightly infuriating!

(And I still call bullshit on can't cook, if he can't cook he needs to learn!!!)

I didn't pop out of the womb cooking lobster bisque... I just learned to cook, like everyone else!

So many men earning fortunes who need basic life skills explaining carefully to them in simple ways they can understand.

How can you have several dcs and a twenty year marriage with someone you can't even talk to? It's like a parallel universe.

I do think as a first step your DC's could prepare their own breakfast and perhaps treat you by preparing yours at the weekend? There is no reason why your DH can't prepare some of the evening meals. If you were out, he would have to.

I can't understand your concern about telling him that you have bought in an evening meal from Wholefoods. We'd starve some weeks if it wasn't meals we had ready in the freezer from COOK. What would his reaction be if you gave him beans on toast as you were busy and no time to prepare a more time consuming meal?

Thanks for the updates OP. Agree you have a lot to offer, if anything more than you did before, to your career through your life experience. Given what your chosen work was, I doubt teaching Pilates will satisfy you. You are not a husk, but it might seem that way to others because your focus has become so insular. It's time to break out and make a difference in the world again. Thank chicken for that!

Have another conversation suggesting you take it in turns to make each other breakfast in bed as a treat at the weekend and stop it in the week. Thank him for his spa/camp suggestion, but say it made you realise it's not about having a break it's about balancing your time throughout the week and request his partnership, starting with with breakfast.

Thank chicken for that!

I will have a job trying to get him to cook anything beyond toast. I know it sounds pathetic. It's hard to describe unless you actually know him. He just doesn't engage and left to his own devices he would just order food in. It's as if he thinks It's just something I "do". He is quite normal in other aspects and I don't know how he's got me feeling responsible in this area.

We're going out tomorrow night and I will have a talk to him then. I'm not sure if going back to CP work will be too much. I think it would all impact me more now that I have my own kids. It's been a long time too. I do definitely feel at a turning point now though and I'm so grateful for all the MN advice. Thankyou.

Great OP! It might be nice to receive coffee, toast, fruit, yoghurt, juice in bed from him, totally within his current capability.
I totally get what you are saying about having your own children and the work you did, please don't give up on exploring how you can make a difference though, there are some big problems out here and the world needs more people like you to be active in it. Good luck xx

I don't know how he's got me feeling responsible in this area

That would be an interesting question to ask him.

I thought it was very telling that you say that if were pushed into providing a meal he'd order food in without compunction. Yet you were stressing your head about giving Jim pre prepared food.

Trying to be kind here, perhaps he genuinely has no idea how much work is involved in planning, shopping, prepping, cooking and clearing up from catering for a family at 2-3 different sittings / menus. He needs to know and he needs to know that it ain't your job to do it all.

I know you say that he's lovely in other ways. But from what you say it sounds like he's the kind of man who will throw money at a problem rather than spend time and effort actually engaging with you and the family. His "solution" of a Spa weekend would seem to demonstrate that.

Blue - thankyou for the great advice and the vote of confidence. I'm certainly not ruling anything out at this stage.,
BitOut - no he has no idea basically. I think gets away with it because he's always doing something else. This morning he's already been out on his bike for almost 2 hours. DS1 has a D of E expedition this weekend so they've just left for that and last night he was helping him get all his kit packed. Plus there was some work drama he was dealing with. He's always busy and presumes the food happens in the meantime as if it's automatic.
Anyway at least I'm more conscious of it now. The last time I had breakfast in bed was Mother's Day, but no reason why it can't be a far more regular occurance!
Thanks so much again.

Please don't tell us you made him breakfast before he went out for his bike ride. And if DS is doing D of E, he should be more than capable to make his own breakfast too.

Don't they cook when they go camping?

What does he do if he gets in expecting a meal and it isn't ready?

Really late to the conversation sorry, but I just wanted to say teaching Pilates is a very satisfying and fulfilling job, and easy to fit around the family. I only got interested in teaching because I loved going to classes so much. I have been teaching for about 10 years now and it is so rewarding so if it is something that interests you then you should absolutely look into it. And good luck with everything else, you do sound lovely.

Lots of things to think about op! Two points though - don't tell him you don't have time to cook on Tuesday. It's not true. Tell him the truth , time is tight on Tuesdays and the most you can squeeze out is two meals not 3. You did whole foods for his meal last week, What does he suggest as a long term solution? He sounds an ok guy, just a bit oblivious, so presumably won't suggest your children starve so you can cook his meal ( not even going to start with no one cares what you eat).
Also, when you try to discuss things more generally , think about how he reacts and the effort he puts in to thinking about it, compared to how you'd react if he shared something similar with you. My guess is you would put in ten times the effort, because you don't really have an equal marriage. He works hard, but it's not for his marriage. (My dh used to tell me he was really doing z y and z for me. I said but I don't want you to. If it's for me you can stop today please. You don't want to do that because it's 100% for you and I'm losing out by becoming your lowest priority compared to all these things. -He doesn't try and feed me that kind of bullshit so he can be selfish anymore)

I really really hope you get breakfast in bed from your dh soon! (non cooked, an 8 year old could do it) and the kids can fend for themelces or he can make them cereal for a change that morning. They will probably come running downstairs excitedly for the unusual treat