AIBU to buy DH dinner from Wholefoods and let him think I made it?

[whatafaff]

I'm a SAHM to 3 school age DC so you would think I have loads of time. On Tuesdays though, I'm not in at all because after dropping the younger DD at school for 8.30, I'm then in a course 9.15-1pm. Then I have to get to the school for DD's Suzuki violin lesson which I have to go to as well as her between 2-2.30pm. Then I'm hanging round for her to come out at 3.30 because the school is in a busy part of London and if you're not there for 3pm you can't park.
We get in for 4pm and the 2 DS' arrive home around 5pm. They all need to have had dinner, get changed and out again by 5.50 latest as they're in a performance choir which they love and insist on going to and the traffic can make it tricky to get there for 6.30. I then wait for them for an hour and we're home for 8pm.

DH is on a "clean eating" diet at the mo in preparation for some event or other. DD is a fussy eater anyway (always has been) so in that hour between 4-5, I tend to have to make her some variation in what the boys are having and I just don't have time to do the meat, veg etc as DH wants it. Plus I'm vegetarian and prefer not to eat after 6pm.

Yesterday I was in Wholefoods and you can basically buy cold roast chicken, roast sweet potato, really nice veg etc exactly how I would make it anyway. I just bought 2 boxes of it, put in on a tray with foil over on a low heat and he was none the wiser. I didn't tell him I'd actually cooked it, but he presumed I had. Tuesday is the day he gets in early at about 6.15 so he can train and he knows I'll be out with the DC.

AIBU to do this regularly and just be done with it under the circumstances?

whatafaff I think you need to get both your children and partner doing more around the house - cooking, cleaning etc. Not only is this good for them but it will also free up your own time which you can then use to find something to do for yourself - including but not limited to finding paid work.

I actually do enjoy cooking, but just not 3 different things every night!

No one taught my DSSs to cook but, since they know what a proper meal should look like, and they can read, it didn't take them long to work it out. I'm sure the OP has intelligent children.

Exactly whatafaff which is where your husband needs to step up if he wants something different.

What things do you do that are just for you?

OP, you mention times, 5.30-8.30 and 3.30-10pm. That alone is 9.5 hours, plus the other hours you work whilst the kids are at school, when you do shopping etc.
I bet you work longer hours than DH and have less time to yourself to do things that have nothing to do with running a house/looking after your family. You also work at the weekends, whilst your husband doesn't. Have a think about that.

Then, baby steps. Breakfast is downstairs. At the weekends, you get a lie in and everybody else makes their own breakfast.
On Tuesdays, either DH sorts his own food out, or you get something easy to cook.
Get the kids a cookbook. I bought my son a book when he was a teenager, by Sam Stern called Cooking Up A Storm. It was written by a teenager for teenagers. I see Sam Stern has written more cookbooks since then. My son made his first roast chicken dinner using that book when he was about 14.

And don't feel guilty about spending time on yourself.

You need to value your workload and input more. You keep saying how hard everyone else works whilst dismissing your 9.5 hours + and weekends.

Start with sorting out the Tuesdays and continue from there.

My husband told me that when he went to uni, at the holidays when he went home, he took a massive rucksack full of dirty washing for his mum to wash!
Also, the only thing he cooked that wasn't beans on toast was layered belly pork with potatoes and onions.
When I met him, he had the local pizza place as one of his "Friends and Family" options, as BT had suggested it due to the amount of times he rang it!
He grew up with healthy, home made food too.

Thankyou. I do get a sense of fulfilment from helping the kids, I really do. DH is lovely towards me in so many ways too and we're very lucky, but I feel a bit lost and I'm not even sure why.
As you say, small steps all add up.

I've found adult life much easier because I could cook, clean and wash from an early age.

What's the point of a privileged life if you're going to spend it skivvying around after some bloke?

I can well understand why you feel lost. It's been 13 years of doing everything for everyone else. Time to make some adjustments!

though I'm super privileged in another way

What way though? Do you feel super privileged because you don't work outside the home so think you have to do all this? You make and carry four breakfasts up to your family in bed every morning? Cook three different meals each night? Feel you have to lie when you have too many chores to manage it? There is nothing privalged about this life op unless uou think being the household skivvy is a privilege.

A family is a unit. They work together and care for each other, they treat each other with respect and as equals. They do not have one member of the family acting like the house maid.

I'm going to have to guess you've matched your mum and went way further. Did she make and bring her whole family breakfast in bed every morning?

Definitely small steps. Could you buy a suitable cookery book and ask DH and DC over the weekend to cook a meal for the freezer for everyone to eat on Tuesday? Most kids love cooking and love that feeling of pride that comes from everyone enjoying their meals.

And breakfast, if you don't want to keep up the room service is easily changeable. They will probably enjoy helping themselves (at least for a while :) )

No, my mum didn't bring breakfast in bed, I'll be honest.
I suppose I feel privileged that we have a lovely home and I don't have to think about money, that kind of thing. Also that I can be there for the kids and we have a happy marriage. Things could be so much worse! But I do need to think on my own terms more and I'm realising this.

Maybe don't look at it from a point of being privileged but more of a helping your DH and DC to acquire an essential life skill and allowing the boys to realise that providing meals isn't about gender but about being able to feed yourself and others and feeling confident about being able to do it.

Sorry I forgot to say and allowing your DD to realise that it doesn't just fall on women to provide meals.

OP it's fine if you want to cook for him but why are you so worried about it? Surely his response, when you tell him you got him some ready made tasty food will be "ooh lovely, thanks for doing that". Why would he respond negatively? Is everything ok?

You don't sound like you have a happy marriage based on the fact you had to overthink this so much

Yeah totally if you can afford it go for it!

Where is this amazing shop anyway?

It's good in the sense that we get on and don't really argue. I love his company and he makes me laugh and the attraction side of things is still there. Also I feel like he has my back and I trust him 100%. So there are lots of good things.
He's very focused and has a lot of energy. I have to almost force him to relax so I feel bad putting anything else on him, if that makes any sense?
No problem with the boys learning to cook a few things though. I think it's a great idea and don't know why I haven't done this yet.

Rach - Do you mean Wholefoods? I think it's pretty much in most towns?

It definitely isn't in most towns.

I'm pretty sure there are only two in London for eg - stoke newington and Chelsea IIRC.

I'm pretty sure there are only two in London for eg - stoke newington and Chelsea IIRC

That's not true, there's 5-6 in London now. Richmond, Soho etc, but yes they are mostly concentrated to London.

I've just looked it up. Nearly all in London. Clapham, Camden, stoke newington, Fulham, South Kensington,Richmond, Piccadilly Circus. All the fancy pants places.

And Giffnock and Cheltenham outside London. That's it.

Oh sorry. I shouldn't have just presumed people knew what I was on about Ours is in High St Ken but there's another in Fulham and they get raided by people with no time to cook!