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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to buy DH dinner from Wholefoods and let him think I made it?

340 replies

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 09:39

I'm a SAHM to 3 school age DC so you would think I have loads of time. On Tuesdays though, I'm not in at all because after dropping the younger DD at school for 8.30, I'm then in a course 9.15-1pm. Then I have to get to the school for DD's Suzuki violin lesson which I have to go to as well as her between 2-2.30pm. Then I'm hanging round for her to come out at 3.30 because the school is in a busy part of London and if you're not there for 3pm you can't park.
We get in for 4pm and the 2 DS' arrive home around 5pm. They all need to have had dinner, get changed and out again by 5.50 latest as they're in a performance choir which they love and insist on going to and the traffic can make it tricky to get there for 6.30. I then wait for them for an hour and we're home for 8pm.

DH is on a "clean eating" diet at the mo in preparation for some event or other. DD is a fussy eater anyway (always has been) so in that hour between 4-5, I tend to have to make her some variation in what the boys are having and I just don't have time to do the meat, veg etc as DH wants it. Plus I'm vegetarian and prefer not to eat after 6pm.

Yesterday I was in Wholefoods and you can basically buy cold roast chicken, roast sweet potato, really nice veg etc exactly how I would make it anyway. I just bought 2 boxes of it, put in on a tray with foil over on a low heat and he was none the wiser. I didn't tell him I'd actually cooked it, but he presumed I had. Tuesday is the day he gets in early at about 6.15 so he can train and he knows I'll be out with the DC.

AIBU to do this regularly and just be done with it under the circumstances?

OP posts:
EnidButton · 03/05/2017 14:53

It's highly possible that your dc will grow up thinking that's how it is too. Your DS's will expect their wives (if they marry a woman that is) to do everything for them and your DD will do as you're doing now. Hopefully not but it is possible as you know yourself.

You're really not doing them any favours. It's good for them to do things for themselves and each other.

You don't sound happy. Flowers Maybe if you were really happy to do everything, as some women are, then it'd be a little different but you're not. You know this isn't right.

Questioning yourself over a ready cooked chicken, that is exactly the same as one you'd cook yourself, is like something a 1950's housewife would do. It's not the food you feel guilty about, it's that you didn't use your own time and energy to make it but why do you think you should have to if you don't want to or can't? You don't have to. Having a vagina doesn't make you the maid.

UppityHumpty · 03/05/2017 15:00

I think you need to manage your time better and delegate more to your DH and the kids. My DD is 8 and likes to make Saturday brunch so I can sleep in a bit - DH will make sure she doesn't hurt herself but she's really adept in the kitchen and DN who lives with me is also following her example. We all have specific chores that have to be managed weekly (day is up to them as long as it gets done) and there are real punishments if not done - DD/DN will lose pocket money or toys, DH will get a lecture and if push comes to shove I'm fully prepared to let his dishes/laundary etc fester until he does it. Thankfully I don't have to because he's not an idiot.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2017 15:14

Same here, Uppity, both mine have chores and yy, real consequences.

CrazedZombie · 03/05/2017 15:26

Most of my k

NoLotteryWinYet · 03/05/2017 15:34

I agree you're setting your dc up for adult life disappointment if they expect to have breakfast brought to them in bed every day and not to have to cook. They're all of an age to be starting to cook on their own - an important life skill.

Original poster
whatafaff · 03/05/2017 15:55

Thsnks everyone. Point taken and I clearly need to reassess what I'm actually doing.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2017 16:38

Blimey OP! I expectthis thread has been a bit of an eye opener / shock for you. Hope you're OK

I will the chorus though and say that you do sound very downtrodden and taken for granted because you are consumed by guilt if you don't do it. But I hope that this thread has shown you that you aren't doing you or your DC - or indeed your relationship with your DH - any good in the long run.

As for your DH...where to start? He doesn't just go to the gym to train does he? He cycles and runs at the weekend as well doesn't he? Don't tell me, hours at a time. So don't worry that he doesn't have enough time to himself. He does. TBH he sounds like bit of a self-absorbed arse who has got used to you doing the skivvying

Motoko · 03/05/2017 17:03

Only got to page 6 so far, but BREAKFAST IN BED? EVERY DAY?

Having breakfast in bed should be a treat, a luxury. Do you ever get breakfast in bed?

Your children are going to have a shock when they're adults and find they don't get breakfast brought to them every day. You're supposed to be teaching them how to become well rounded, independent adults.
Sorry OP, I'm just really shocked at this.

BoboChic · 03/05/2017 17:05

Please don't worry OP - my DSSs did zero shopping/cooking/laundry/housework while living at home but have adjusted very well indeed to independent living as students.

Original poster
whatafaff · 03/05/2017 17:17

Well I'm in a certain mode, I guess and I need to focus on what I want out of my life. It's difficult though. On one hand I feel very confident in myself and secure, but in another way I think I've lost confidence somewhere along the way.

Bobo - I hope mine will be the same! Tbh they are very reasonable kids.

BitOut - well he does do those things plus lake swimming, but he does it early before the kids get up to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatafaff · 03/05/2017 17:19

Also the boys have a lot of homework and they do work hard, plus do their after school stuff which is why I don't put any more on them.

OP posts:
BoboChic · 03/05/2017 17:21

It was the same for me - I wanted the DSSs to do well at school and have a life outside it. And that didn't leave room for much else.

Managing your family is an ever-evolving skill Smile

BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2017 17:25

So he manages to carve plenty of time out for himself. So you should stop feeling guilty that you do the same. I'm pretty damn sure he never feels guilty about whether you've eaten well, or managed to get your own stuff done.In fact I doubt he gives anyone's diet except his own pain in the arse "special" diet a second thought. Which tells you something too

Original poster
whatafaff · 03/05/2017 17:34

Well that's true he never thinks about what I've eaten Grin

Bobo - yes it's true that as they grow up the issues evolve! Did you ever return to work if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
RB68 · 03/05/2017 17:36

It really doesn't harm kids to be a bit more self sufficient there are plenty of simple meals they can be taught, which can be had once or twice a week - they could even help each other to deliver e.g. with something and salad one does the salad the other the cooking. Even if they have lots of other things this is important - otherwise they will always be busy with work work and see housework as wife/girlfriend work. I am not saying they have to do loads every day but they need to do it enough so that they can take a bit of pressure of you and learn to fend for themselves or they will end up living in squalor

Amiawful23 · 03/05/2017 17:39

Bobo many of us manage to have our kids do homework, extra curricular stuff and still do basic stuff round the house.

When I was a kid my mum had to work nights and I would make my younger siblings a meal. Still did well at school.

BoboChic · 03/05/2017 17:39

I have several roles, but they are all part time and freelance (DP and I have our own consulting firm to allow us to do this - he has a few sidelines). I couldn't imagine being employed/working for someone else ever again! And that is really due to having got so used to managing to my own standards at home (which I admit are on the high side) that I cannot cope with the idea of working to someone else's standards!

theclick · 03/05/2017 17:41

*Only got to page 6 so far, but BREAKFAST IN BED? EVERY DAY?

Having breakfast in bed should be a treat, a luxury. Do you ever get breakfast in bed?

Your children are going to have a shock when they're adults and find they don't get breakfast brought to them every day. You're supposed to be teaching them how to become well rounded, independent adults.
Sorry OP, I'm just really shocked at this.*

At 27, one of my friend's mum's was still bringing her tea in bed every morning (yes she lived at home). We thought it was disgraceful.

BoboChic · 03/05/2017 17:43

I'm 50 and still expect coffee in bed every morning. Am I disgraceful?Grin

Original poster
whatafaff · 03/05/2017 17:54

At some point the kids will go to uni and they'll just have to get on with it though, surely. I hope I'm not spoiling them. The boys are in.a very demanding school and they do cope with it. They have a good work ethic when it comes to school at least. Maybe they do take me for granted a bit? It's hard to say.

OP posts:
Amiawful23 · 03/05/2017 17:56

I have worked at a university and you would not believe the number of students who arrived not knowing how to make a basic meal or put a load of laundry on.

BoboChic · 03/05/2017 17:56

The best thing you can do is to ensure they are used to eating delicious, regular, nutritious meals. They will then reproduce the pattern they are used to.

Amiawful23 · 03/05/2017 17:57

Patently untrue, Bobo.

Original poster
whatafaff · 03/05/2017 17:59

I'm thinking I may need a focus that's not DH and the kids and the house. DH could give me a job, but I think that would be problematic. I do manage some properties, but that's not much. I don't think I can go back to what I did before as it's been so long now and also it was very stressful. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis? Confused

OP posts:
TwentyCups · 03/05/2017 18:00

I'm not sure I agree with that Bobo. Lots of people grow up eating delicious homemade nutritious food and want to continue eating that way - but unless they have the skills to make it they will fall to expensive imitations like the fancier ready meals or takeaway neither of which are as healthy as homemade or as affordable for students.

If you want children to become adults who can reproduce healthy home cooked food you should teach them how to make it. I'm forever grateful to my mum and stepdad for teaching me how to cook well.