AIBU to buy DH dinner from Wholefoods and let him think I made it?

[whatafaff]

I'm a SAHM to 3 school age DC so you would think I have loads of time. On Tuesdays though, I'm not in at all because after dropping the younger DD at school for 8.30, I'm then in a course 9.15-1pm. Then I have to get to the school for DD's Suzuki violin lesson which I have to go to as well as her between 2-2.30pm. Then I'm hanging round for her to come out at 3.30 because the school is in a busy part of London and if you're not there for 3pm you can't park.
We get in for 4pm and the 2 DS' arrive home around 5pm. They all need to have had dinner, get changed and out again by 5.50 latest as they're in a performance choir which they love and insist on going to and the traffic can make it tricky to get there for 6.30. I then wait for them for an hour and we're home for 8pm.

DH is on a "clean eating" diet at the mo in preparation for some event or other. DD is a fussy eater anyway (always has been) so in that hour between 4-5, I tend to have to make her some variation in what the boys are having and I just don't have time to do the meat, veg etc as DH wants it. Plus I'm vegetarian and prefer not to eat after 6pm.

Yesterday I was in Wholefoods and you can basically buy cold roast chicken, roast sweet potato, really nice veg etc exactly how I would make it anyway. I just bought 2 boxes of it, put in on a tray with foil over on a low heat and he was none the wiser. I didn't tell him I'd actually cooked it, but he presumed I had. Tuesday is the day he gets in early at about 6.15 so he can train and he knows I'll be out with the DC.

AIBU to do this regularly and just be done with it under the circumstances?

I honestly hope this is made up. I simply can't get my head round "I'll book you in for a spa break with the other wives". What adult can't make that decision for themselves wnd book themselves. I've never heard anything like it.

To be fair, I think he was only saying that because it's the first thing that comes into his head. The reason I didn't get into it too much last night is because there's no point talking to him in vague terms as he gets confused and then wants to just do a,b,c or state solutions to "fix" things. So I want to sort my head out so I can be specific.

I don't want to make out as if he's completely crap around the house. On weekends he'll load the dishwasher, or put washing in (not really sorting/ironing though). He will do the bins if he's here and he does some stuff in the garden. He's not messy. I'm not moaning as I have a cleaner twice week who mainly hoovers and dusts. I deal with ironing, beds and everything in between, so it's ok.

Sorry if I sound weird

Bluntness - I could book book into whatever I want, but I just tend to not get round to it and there's always something else on at weekends.

Such equality does sound like a sad existence. I hope you manage to get things sorted out.

Inequality not equality - I shouldn't try typing when I'm meant to be concentrating at work!

He could make dinner for you both on Tuesday?! Or make his own, just once won't hurt in a busy week. If you feel guilty, make a homemade ready meal the day before, or cook something for you and the kids that can easily be reheated when he gets in.

Totally agree

I sympathise a lot with what you say OP, and I totally get your Wholefoods-thinking

Maybe in your head you feel you need to justify things, like not cooking for a night?

I was were you are now a few years ago. I decided I was losing myself and it did not make me happy. I told DH the set up worked brilliantly for us as a family unit, but not for me personally.

I became more "difficult" and "selfish" in small ways, I now never cook on a Saturday, and we don't have a cleaner (on Sunday afternoon teen boys, DH and I all blitz the house together)

Am also making the kids help more. And I bugger off to sport classes rather a lot and they have to fend for themselves. Also work now, but only part time and it has not taken off yet.

A much healthier set up.

Anyway, change is possible.

This won't fix itself overnight. Pick things off one at a time. For example, this week, get DH to agree to sorting his own dinner out on Tuesdays; next week, teach the kids to cook one simple thing; gradually stop doing breakfast in bed (or reduce the frequency); etc etc.
You're in a routine you're no longer happy with. It's tricky to change these things once they're established, but it's not impossible. You will feel guilty (not that you should!) but honestly, that will go away in time.
And use any spare time you have doing (or finding) something you enjoy, not looking for more reasons to beat yourself up.
Be kind to yourself OP. Life's too short 💐

SAHM or not if he is choosing a restrictive diet he buys and cooks his own food....

Why on earth would anything else be fair?!

Also PMSL at He is clean eating? May I suggest a dirty protest?

OP I haven't had time to read whole thread, sorry. I think it is reasonable to provide a ready made healthy meal option if finances can support cost. My husband is on 'clean' competition type diet and we both work full time and live in London, spending far too much time stuck in traffic! I cook around 70% of meals. We batch cook chicken breasts and other meats (bought from muscle foods on-line and great quality- we freeze some of delivery when it arrives, test goes in fridge) in oven night before our 'very busy no time to stop days'. Muscle foods do a fab seasoning so usually put that on chickens and add water. Sometimes I will add onions, mushrooms veg but often just the chicken. We make a huge salad and put in Tupperware. This lasts 1-2 days and is usually something like red cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots all raw and drizzled in lemon juice, olive oil and dash of salt. This prep/cooking is done when either of us is cooking another meal (so night before the busy day), that meal would be something like steak or salmon. We cook sweet potato in microwave, just takes few minutes to accompany meals. I also buy ready made basmati rice😮 When I have oven on I usually throw in muscle food sausages/veg sausages/ home made burgers and put those in Tupperware for meal options. It is rare I cook just one meal and if I do that is usually a cottage pie or spaghetti bolognaise with plenty left over for 2nd or 3rd meal. This also gives us flexibility to allow the children different options (e.g. My son likes potato my daughter rice). Sometimes we buy a ready cooked chicken. We always have cartons of egg white in fridge/freezer for quick omelette/scrambled egg meal option and stuff like cous cous, pasta and lentils in the cupboard. Whatever makes your life and routines work is fine to do. There are plenty of ways to eat healthy but conveniently. I sat down with husband to decide how we weee going to make it work for us. my next aim is to go for more vegetarian/fish options as I think we eat too much meat!

And FFS this week my 11 year old had made himself (and me) a pearl barley risotto primavera and an Asian chilli crab and lime noodles (both from recipes)....

Why the fuck can't a grown ass man buy and cook his own food?

My DD (10) just made meringues, she bakes cakes all the time and makes a mean lemon drizzle. Even My 7 year old twins get their own breakfast at the weekends when there is no rush. I make it in the week while they get dressed then they come downstairs to eat it - this enables them to only have to get up at 7.30 for school.

It's nuts to be doing so much slaving over capable people.

(And I enjoy that if I get up at 6.45 I can get at least half an hour of quiet enjoyment with a coffee)

Couldn't you just teach the children to get their own cereal/toast on school days and just do the bringing breakfast in bed at the weekend (if you still want to)?

DD at 8 should be able to start at least learning to make her own pasta and the two boys should definitely be able to make their own dinner at least on occasion but there is no excuse for your can't cook/won't cook husband to be expecting you to buy and cook his special diet.

Err first world problems here. So you can afford to be a SAHM with children obviously in private school who have the luxury of playing instruments, being driven around London and being in choirs. Oh and you can afford to shop in Whole Foods. Maybe just count your blessings and chill out about ready meals. Oh and tell DH that "clean eating" is a load of old nonsense and think about the impact that weird parental food habits can have on kids.

Wow - thankyou for all this. Often, I can't believe your kids do all that. Mine have a lot of catching up to do clearly.

Mummy - thankyou. I do similar types of things to that atm, though had not heard of the muscle food online. I just buy it all locally. We have loads of sweet potato and those kinds of salads which is great for me as I'm vege and you're right the chicken, salmon or steak is easy. It's just that DH doesn't get involved at all, even at the shopping stage, though he does order his protein supplements online. He is half Indian and we eat much more curried stuff at other times.

Thankyou Thereal and LadyPenelope. I am thinking about going back to work, but I'm not sure if this is because I actually want to, or if it's because I feel I should now the kids are getting older. And it's been such s long time! Unless things shift here, it's hard to even contemplate it in a way. I think DH would support me though if there was something I wanted to do. I feel bad discussing him here because he is very kind in so many ways. It's been so helpful for me to see things in print, so thankyou again.

Read rest of thread now. I used to be SAHM but it wasn't enough to fulfil me. I started volunteering (mayors office - team London is good place to start looking), then started to pick up small contract type/consultancy jobs. The money I earned was not important, I just wanted something for myself. Whatever you studied and/or career you had previously can be put to use. The voluntary work can address gaps and get you back in work mindset. I did a variety PTA/charity roles. The paid work was found via asking around and research. I looked at various websites and set myself up on linked in. I also returned to study. My husband didn't understand it at 1st as we could afford for me to stay at home and have properties etc. So although not cash rich we have assets to fall back on. 4 years ago I returned to full time employment. I would have preferred part time but that has proved tricker to secure. I stayed in 1st role 2 years then took a role with another company to return to a management position. That lasted a year before made redundant. Been in new management role (slightly less pay but more flexibility) just over a year. Still looking for suitable part time role but work in public service organisation with 30 days holiday and work from home 1 day a week. There are options to work 4 longer days or a 8 day fortnight. I may eventually be able to go part time where I am, hoping for 25-30 he week. Take the spa break and use that time to work out what you want. Then take small steps to achieve that. Be prepared for some comeback from your DH as it will affect him in some way. It is reasonable for you to want to achieve something for yourself outside of the family. Your husband has work, family and his hobbies. You currently just have family. That is what I explained to my husband and he now realises that my emotional happiness is important for the family to continue functioning well and is supportive. Your children are old enough to start taking on some household responsibilities so decide which tasks you would like to delegate and discuss with them.

You sound absolutely lovely whatafaff. I really hope you start to feel a bit less lost. If it's any consolation, I understand why you do what you do.

My husband is of Middle Eastern heritage, his dad did most of cooking in their household. My husband can cook but prefers for me to do it! Show your husband link to muscle foods website to capture his interest and ask him to choose the food options he would like. There are other companies that do similar. We found quality of their meats was really good, with no visible shrinkage on cooking. Their mince makes great burgers. My husband set up two different types of recurring on-line orders and this is his responsibility now. It has made my shopping life so much easier! I live in Ealing borough so little easier to get around and so many shopping options. My ex husband (and eldest daughter when she is with him) lives South Kensington near tube station and has majority of his food delivered as quicker and easier.

Totally boasting. No need to mention the fact that the violin lesson was a Suzuki one. Wtf is wholefoods anyway? If you have nothing else to worry about apart from whether or not to lie about something as trivial as this you lead a very charmed life.

Yes I also think you sound lovely but also pretty stretched and some of the work you are doing, particularly re DH and his diet is work he should be doing.

Thankyou. I feel quite emotional reading some if this. The kids are asking me who I'm texting!
I used to work in Child Protection (mothers and babies, fostering /adoption) as well as Youth Justice. It was quite stressful and a world away from what DH does. I'm not sure if I can get back into that now. I could do a property business and am also thinking of training to teach yoga or Pilates as I do a lot of these. I've enquired about the Pilates training actually as I'm there a lot. The theory is equivalent to 2 A-levels over a year so should be ok, plus practical. That might be more flexible around everything else. A lot to think about, but I do need to do something more going forward. I'm realising that I think.

Falsnge - the only reason I mentioned Suzuki in the OP was to explain why I also have to go to the lesson or it would have sounded odd me going in to the school. So what? Its just a way of learning the violin

Why why why do some stupid people think the (relatively) wealthy have no problems? And then to feel they should have a go at someone who is clearly struggling a bit and day they are boasting?

OP I hope that person didn't upset you. You sound lovely and caring.