AIBU to buy DH dinner from Wholefoods and let him think I made it?

[whatafaff]

I'm a SAHM to 3 school age DC so you would think I have loads of time. On Tuesdays though, I'm not in at all because after dropping the younger DD at school for 8.30, I'm then in a course 9.15-1pm. Then I have to get to the school for DD's Suzuki violin lesson which I have to go to as well as her between 2-2.30pm. Then I'm hanging round for her to come out at 3.30 because the school is in a busy part of London and if you're not there for 3pm you can't park.
We get in for 4pm and the 2 DS' arrive home around 5pm. They all need to have had dinner, get changed and out again by 5.50 latest as they're in a performance choir which they love and insist on going to and the traffic can make it tricky to get there for 6.30. I then wait for them for an hour and we're home for 8pm.

DH is on a "clean eating" diet at the mo in preparation for some event or other. DD is a fussy eater anyway (always has been) so in that hour between 4-5, I tend to have to make her some variation in what the boys are having and I just don't have time to do the meat, veg etc as DH wants it. Plus I'm vegetarian and prefer not to eat after 6pm.

Yesterday I was in Wholefoods and you can basically buy cold roast chicken, roast sweet potato, really nice veg etc exactly how I would make it anyway. I just bought 2 boxes of it, put in on a tray with foil over on a low heat and he was none the wiser. I didn't tell him I'd actually cooked it, but he presumed I had. Tuesday is the day he gets in early at about 6.15 so he can train and he knows I'll be out with the DC.

AIBU to do this regularly and just be done with it under the circumstances?

I hope you look back on this thread and that bloody ready meal as a turning point in your life op.

You have tons of options it seems which is absolutely great. Make sure you follow them up and take back some control on your life. I suspect your relationship and the kids will all benefit too.

And I have never made the dc do any of it. I just stopped making DS breakfast when he went to high school and stopped making them all breakfast at the weekend and reminding them where the stuff is if they complained.

DS loves cooking and he makes our dinner if he wants to. That has been 2/3 meals he has been home for this week. DD loves baking and this can be a pain as she takes over the kitchen. She has all her own utensils and her own mixer. She just does it because she is good at it and she likes it.

DTD always helps me cooking. She washes things, chops things, peels things, grates things, fills pans with water for boiling things etc

DTS is the only one who rarely mucks in but he isn't interested in eating food never mind making food, though has in the past helped me make pesto or ketchup or other things he wants to eat, and he gets things out of the fridge or cupboard himself, gets his own drinks etc.

No not offended at all! I'm quite aware of how ridiculous a lot of this sounds and how I could be perceived. I did ask, didn't I!
Sorry I'm a bit rushed right now but this has been very helpful to me.

If you are keen to get the children interested in cooking I'd say start, at the weekends when there is plenty of time, getting them to help you make meals and gradually increase their kitchen responsibilities. That's if you don't already!

It's an investment rather than an easy switch because at first they are really slow, messy and crap at everything but the more they do the better they get.

We also get a recipe box every week from Abel and cole and the recipes have been easy enough for even DS to follow. There are 3 meals in the box, they send everything measured out. DS always chooses what one we make. The only issue he encountered was not knowing what lambs lettuce was and asking me. The recipe boxes have considerably reduced my workload TBH.

And they are lovely and inventive things that sound and look really appetising and that DS and I am often quite excited about cooking. Time is usually between 25mins and 50 mins start to finish. We get the light box and it almost always feeds three and is often veggie so DD can have some.

Op you sound lovely and kind and easy going and very sweet natured... no wonder your dh has chosen you as his wife. What concerns me is that you seem to also be his lovely, (useful) pet. You say he is good to you and treats you well, but I wonder how lovely he would be if you started to kick off a bit over the issues you mention here? At the least he will be very confused, bewildered and will quite possibly react quite harshly to any upset in the status quo. You will therefore find it easier to maintain the peace than be the unpopular one in the household (don't forget your dcs will probably react to the withdrawal of breakfast in bed). This is someone who sounds, reading between the lines, like a successful man who is used to getting what he wants in life.
If you suddenly start to implement new changes he will wonder if you're the same woman he married, might even feel 'ripped off' . I suggest you move slowly here, but resolve to make changes firmly.

I wrote down work options I was interested in and qualifications required then looked at what roles were being advertised. That helped me narrow choices and I now work in a HR related field. With your previous skills and experience many organisations would be suitable. I work in health regulation, there are always jobs available part and full time (unfortunately only full time for me as my role is niche and only me who does it currently). If you want office based role there are plenty in public sector available for your skill set. If you prefer fitness option that is usually really flexible and you can be self employed. My husband is a personal fitness trainer and sports coach as a 2nd job (hopes to make 1st Job over time). He went away to study his level quicker and really enjoyed the experience. I think it was over 2 weekends or perhaps 2 weeks - it was a while ago. There are usually different study options available to suit your needs. You live in a great location for this type of work. I bought myself a lovely printed notebook to jot down my ideas and thoughts. I was able to show this to my husband so he could see how important it was to me. I have lived in various places and London is by far the most stressful due to traffic and public transport issues. Also the most exciting by far due to opportunities and activities available. If you want to increase money for fitness related work you could also explore offering mindfulness sessions and general health and well being. Many organisations spend considerable sums getting experts in to do sessions a with teams. It sounds like you are in a good stable position to consider the options. Good luck with the next chapter in your life. It's scary making the move but very rewarding. You will grow in confidence and your family will benefit from this in the same way they have benefitted in having you stay at home.

I think we're all being rather tough on the OP's husband here..

I work with a lot of Mr whatafaff's in a high pressured environment and their domestic arrangements follow two main patterns if they have a wife who stays at home. There are those whose wives do EVERYTHING - from booking holidays and working around husbands' business trips to getting children into top-tier independent schools.. They see this as a job of sorts, and take the downside (boredom) with the upside (gyms, holidays, possible 2nd/3rd homes). These men are happy, as are most of the women from what I can see.

The other type of SAHM resent their husbands' time away from home. They don't see why he has to travel, or meet with clients over dinner, or miss the parent-teacher meeting. They like the status and money, but not the trade-offs that come with it. I've seen this lead to marriage breakdown.

It sounds like you're in the first category - mostly happy and feeling privileged but starting to look down the road to the future when the kids are more independent. The worst thing you can do is over-react..

First things first, I'd ditch some after-school activities. Kids need time to be bored at home, rather than sitting in traffic. You'll all feel better for it!

Secondly, look for something that is yours and yours alone. A new venture, a hobby, some new friends, renovating a cottage, volunteering at a charity.. It doesn't really matter too much what it is, just that it's all yours.

Obviously just ditch the breakfast in bed etc. and a wholefoods meal/takeaway once a week will not kill anyone! There are also services that can drop around organic fresh meals if that appeals instead.

Your husband wasn't being cruel in suggesting a spa trip. He was doing what he does all day long when people present problems - he tries to solve them. Tell him it's okay to listen without trying to solve the problem.

Wow! What an amazing contribution you made to people, dealing with real problems through your work. Now your concerns are reduced to whether to buy a ready cooked chicken every week and Pilates. Why do you say you "couldn't get back in to" your career? Is it that you don't want to? YANBU buying weekly from Wholefoods. YABU lying (by omission) to your husband & squashing your self expression and contribution in the world. It shows a poverty of existence. Find a worthy problem and concern yourself instead with that.

At eight, why would you have to attend the violin lesson with your daughter? Surely, the teacher doesn't need to be chaperoned in this day and age.

Honey. You need to take a step back take a deep breath. Your running around like a B A F. I don't care if you tell him or not. I do worry that as he is in earlier he can't prep his own dinner or reheat. Frankly if he disapproves of the excellent use of whole foods dinner then - he can get his own. When do you get time for yourself? Your not the hired help, your job is to look after the family not to be a slave. If everyone is safe fed and cared for. Job done.

Op you sound very familiar to me. I think you have posted on here before. Forgive me if I am wrong but I don't think I am - the breakfast in bed thing is something I have heard before from you -

In each post your sound lovely. You love your husband. Your marriage works on most levels.

But - you are not happy with this life. So much so that you post a lot on this forum about it.

Think about that - you are not happy with this life. You can actually listen to this statement. You don't have to leave your husband and children. You could actually just fashion your life into something that you are happy to live.

My guess is your dh and children are living a life they like - why aren't you?

You have a lot of opportunities, so grab them and make the most of your life.

It sounds like you are living in a gilded cage, trying to make everyone happy but yourself. Like the pp said, you don't have to do that.

Figure out what you want to do and go for it. Your family will adapt and it will be good for your children to see a happier and more fulfilled mother.

You say you don't really argue. I have a really happy marriage and love DH and still find him attractive. We argue. My theory is if you don't really argue, someone is NOT getting their needs met.

I think that person is probably you.

There's a whole foods in London 😱 Missing the point of the thread!

I'm very grateful for all the advice and I wish I could reply to everything, but it's quite overwhelming.
TealStar - you're right DH is kind of used to getting what he wants and he's not really one to dwell on anything either. Because of the way he is, I've had little choice but to fit around him (work-wise). I take full responsibility for the situation I'm in though. He hasn't forced me into anything. I wanted to be with the kids and my family are my priority and I have no regrets, but now I feel as if I need to do something beyond this, but I've forgotten how to prioritise myself, if that doesn't sound to pathetic. No I don't want him to feel "ripped off" and I don't feel like I can change things overnight. I think he will get it but it will be a shift.
FanDabby - yes I am probably in that first category and you're absolutely right in what you say.
I have to go now, but will respond more later. Thankyou so much! Mummy all your ideas make me wonder why this has taken me so long.

Thanks for getting back to us OP, there's some brilliant advice here; Blueink and Fandabbyfloozy make some great points. It would be wrong to suggest you plough in aggressively trying to assert your independence all of a sudden, as I said above your dh will be somewhat confused and might knee jerk a bit to this; in his eyes he probably sees himself as providing the most wonderful life for you and the children and your 'objection' to some areas of your life he could see as you being ungrateful and throwing it back in his face. A slow, firm and quiet retraining is the key here; but don't tiptoe round too much. A quietly assertive 'I'm busy on a Tuesday, so I will buy your supper from Wholefoods then; they sell excellent clean foods which mean you can keep up your regime' is all you need to say. The breakfast in bed thing I would start with your dses, saying that you can see how grown up and independent they are these days and it's time to stop treating them as babies. Perhaps you could have a deal where you will do breakfast in bed on a Saturday and they will do it for you on a Sunday? Might be worth asking... teach them how to make eggs benedict, it's actually very manly to know how to cook!

And a project of some kind that restores your sense of self is a great idea. The fact you are doing a course is already a great start.

I'm glad someone else said gilded cage - that's exactly what I've been thinking.

I think your previous job sounds very interesting and worthy OP, I'm sure you could get back into it if you wanted??

what - It's very easy to sleepwalk into this situation when you have a DH who is a driven "hyper" type and when children come along you just have to get on with it. You are only 40 though. Think how you will feel at 50. It's great that you've recognised some changes are necessary and as a pp said, everyone will benefit. Your DH will have to adjust though to see you as more of a person with ambitions in your own right, rather than mother and a supporting act to him. Hopefully he won't be too resistant - just ease him in slowly. Good luck!

I have a friend whose dh sounds just like yours. At uni she was a really feisty feminist with great career aspirations; she worked really hard, did really well, met her dh and fell in love, but then when they had kids she ended her career, believing it to be easier to support her 'energetic' dh's instead. Now she's like a former husk of herself and I MISS her. She reminds me of a STepford wife with Stockholm Syndrome. Such a shame. It didn't help that she had quite low self esteem to begin with, always wanting to please her father and having a mum that was very traditional in her role too.

it is actually very manly to know how to cook

NO, it is actually very normal for a man to know how to cook, just like it is for a woman.

He can just sort himself out that day or bung something in a slow cooker that morn. Super easy and healthy

Pall - no I haven't posted about him before. Tbh, I expected people would just tell me to make my life easier and go with the Wholefoods thing . I am in a weird place though so this has been very thought provoking!
DH has always been very good to me, he really has, but he is the way he is. He is self made and nobody ever gave him anything. I believe him when he says that everything he does has been for me and the kids and I do think he genuinely believes that, but I also know he would have been exactly the same if he'd been single all these years.
I hope I'm not a husk of my former self. Having the DC has made me stronger and more fulfilled than before and I know I've done my best so no regrets in that sense. Thanks for helping me realise I need more now though. This has been dawning on me for a while.

At some point though what he will need to recognise that 'doing my best for you and the DC' does involve listening to you, understanding what 'best' means for you and supporting you all to achieve that. Him just deciding to give you all what he thinks is 'the best' is not going to cut it forever. If he is a good man he will get that very quickly.